Family completely unsupportive, distant

GingerMay said:

What to do

Hi KarenMG. I am sorry you are going through this. My husband got his cancer diagnosis two years ago. I also have experienced non-supportive family and two of my in-laws are oncologists.  I can only speak from a caregiver perspective, but it is heartbreaking when you think family would have some sort of instinct to help but just plain don't.  I do not understand it, but have stopped trying to figure it out or go to any of them for help.  

So without support from those who are closest to us, I will share some things I do and perhaps it may give you some ideas you may also find helpful. Online forums like this one are good. I wish this was more active, but keep posting here to vent among others who understand.  You may also find others that are helpful too. Senior centers or community centers in your area often have rooms reserved for in-person support groups so you could stop by one in your area and see what may be posted, or do an online search for their calendar of events. If you need help with transportation to or from doctor appointments, there are services that offer that and many have brochures or ads posted in waiting rooms. As for helping to keep up with house cleaning, you can hire somone to come over to your house for 1-2 hours a couple times a month to vacuum, clean bathrooms, dust surfaces, and perhaps even change linens on the beds and put in a load of laundry. As for groceries, many of the Big Box stores have online ordering available and will deliver it to your home.  For meals, find a restaurant that delivers or check out something like GrubHub or Uber Meals that deliver meals at your door within a couple hours of placing your order. 

As for the people in our lives, just my opinion, but unless we have minor age children I believe our first responsibility is to ourselves - especially during times of illness. Reducing stress and drama to have the best chance of gaining and sustaining health must be first. As for funding an adult child's life, please consider what cost this is to you both financially and emotionally. You have every right to put up boundaries where you think it is needed. 

I'll be keeping you in my good thoughts today.    

Hi Ginger May,

Thanks so much for your response! Yes, I wish this board were more active. I was on the colon cancer board some but found it all too real and in my face at the time. It seems the emotional part of all this is more difficult to deal with than the actual physical symptoms. Wow, just writing that out made me realize how true that is for me. Good to know.

I do a lot of those things you mention. I have hired housekeepers, used delivery services. They definitely have their value. I guess I just so prefer to do shopping myself and especially when I need clothes. I find that very difficult due to feeling depressed. Nothing looks good to me. 

I do need to seek out more community help and counseling for sure, for some reason I am reluctant. I think if I do get out I want it to hopefully be for something pleasant. I do enjoy eating out sometimes but now since I cannot deal with riding with my son anymore that is not an option. My other son is super busy with his life and my sister is not really available. Nor do I care to socialize with her right now.

I probably come off as a big drama queen and or a flake. I might be. However, dealing with a life threatening illness is enough to make anybody crazy I say!

I am planning to have a "talk" with my sister today about the overwhelming negativity she is putting out, maybe she doesn't realize it, but for sure she will get defensive and the conversation most likely will not end in a pleasant tone. I don't expect her to change but I do need to let her know that I do not need any extra negative vibes, I produce enough of thos myself!!!

There are no easy answers for sure!

Today I sent a text to a hopefully new hairdresser and would love to get a really good haircut!

Thanks again Ginger and I would love to hear from you again. Also, so sorry about your husband's diagnosis and unsupportive family. I just don't understand people at all!

Hugs

BlueIris48 said:

More on what to do or not to do

      Hi Karen MG,   Oh my.     There are so many things that you wrote in your post that I can relate to.   I have been treated for the past year for a cancer that is what is called

       'indolent'.    So.    for that,  I take new pills which have come out.     I consider myself fortunate in that regard that they are 'working'.    Having said that,  I am divorced and

      live alone.   Thirteen years ago,  I had the precursor to what I have now.   No one's ever heard of it.   There were various symptoms.   Things like prone to infection and the

      main one was fatigue.     I had to retire from work which I was close to doing.    I had many expenses for out of pocket treatments because I didn't understand what I had and

      was told I had Chronic Fagiue which went along with all of this.    I had two grown daughters.   One of them,  flat out said 'she couldn't be bothered with 'istening to all of this'.

        The other lived in another state.    I pretty much navigated on my own.    In the meantime,  I started going to counsling which I highly recommend.   It wasn't 'a shrink' but

        a licensed MFT who iis not and was then, a caring person and an excellent listener.   Also,  I found a support group at that time for chronic fatigue.   Both of these things

        lifted the weight of having to deal with all of this 'stuff' on my own.    Fast forward, to this past year.   My other daughter has returned tto the area where I live.   Now that they

        are actually usuing the cancer word,  well that got eveyone's attention.    She's taken me to a few appointments and we have shared some very special times together.    But, as

       you know,  we're the ones who deal with all the things that go into our everyday lives.     So,  yes,  it is tragic,  and it is sad that you're not getting the family support you so

       desperately need.   All I can say,  is 'I hear you'.    I hope that some of what I wrote and what Ginger wrote can be helpful.   I do urge you to find a counselor to talk to.   To keep

       reaching out however you can.    My community offered free meals for cancer patients when I needed them.   A tremendous help.    I continue to go to support groups.   We 

      truly have to be our own advocates.    I send your many hugs and blessings as you move through each day.   

So sorry, I just am now reading your reply. I thank you very much for it. I was in pretty much a crisis when I wrote this so things are a tad bit better. Thankfully now I have since seen a therapist, have another one lined up to see because the first one is completely booked until November 13th. So if I can see two I will be fine with that. I cannot wait until the next appt!

So sorry that you have the same sort of issues, it really is unbelievable sometimes. The only way I can rationalize it to make myself feel better is to realize that each person has their own way of dealing with death and dying and to think that your mother is going to die within possibly a year is really hard to cope with. I feel bad that I am going to leave all of them, my 2 sons and 4 grandchildren. Not get to see the 10 year old twins grow up, the 13 year old grandson and the 17 year old granddaughter. It's really too horrible to think about, so I just don't! I'm just trying to fight the good fight and not give up.

I hope you read this reply and feel free to write back. We all just have each other to lean on and that is what we should do.

Take care, Karen