Family completely unsupportive, distant

KarenMG

Hello all. Knowing that cancer is a horrific and terrifying disease is one thing, having your family be totally unsupportive and seemingly uncaring through the rough times is a whole new level of awful.

Yes, I realize that I am super anxious and emotional now. Basically have been throughout this process which started September 2016. Two months after my Dad died.

I have one sister, two grown sons and four grandchildren. The sister and I have had a rather strained relationship most of our adult lives. She is very aggressive, overbearing and opinionated. Never the less, after many disagreements and periods of not speaking to each other, I have tried very much to be in her life. Once she told me that she didn't have time for me in her life because she "had too much on her plate". So that pretty much explains her.

Since I got this diagnosis, she is "all in" and said, I am going to be her for you and help you as much as I can. Well, I have tried to accept this graciously but many, many times that she went to the doctor with me or treatments we argued. Because she cannot stop being negative about my kids, grandkids and my various beliefs which clash with hers. She is very negative in general. I've told her NOT to bother going with me to doctor visits a few times. I just spoke with her today and once again, she spoke very negatively about my family and my situation. If I confront her she is highly defensive. So this is my support person?

My two adult sons seem to lack empathy or I just don't understand what they are thinking. One is very distant and when we do talk, it is about superficial things. He never asks how I am doing, or what is happening with my treatments or what is the plan. The older son took off a year of work and is now not working to "help" me. He occasionally goes to pick up food or groceries for me or maybe a prescription occasionally. He lives close so sometimes takes out the trash. I have been more able to go shopping at times and do things for myself lately so he is not doing most of that. He will never help me clean house or vacumm, even if I really try hard to get him to. So if I am whatsoever able to do anything at all for myself, my sons seem to assume that I can do everything.

As of right now, I am paying ALL my older son's expenses...rent and all for him to "help" me. He had gone back to work for a month and quit again. He seems to have gotten dependent on me financially, but we are in a non stop argument about various things and he can be very hurtful. I had to tell him that I will not allow him to drive my car or take me anywhere due to his road raging. It had to get very bad to get to this point. We used to go out to dinner and such but I cannot risk riding with him, I already have severe anxiety in a car at times. I feel like I am getting used and treated like sh*t by my family right now and it is making the thought of continuing to pursue treatment very difficult.

My daughter in law has never called just to ask me how I am. She and my younger son only call or visit if they need me to babysit or need something else. Both sons have taken my pain meds without my knowledge a few times!

The grandchildren are all too young to be understanding or supporting but the 17 year old granddaughter does the same as my sons, only calls if she wants money or help with something. I don't feel that I should try to impress upon her or anyone that I might not have that much longer to be around.

This all seems too sad and tragic to be true, especially as I write it all out here. Yes, I have spoken to my nurse at the cancer center about some counseling but she referred me to a psychiatrist which I could not bring myself to go see. I've been down that road years ago and do not want to take antidepressants or psych meds. I am taking Ativan now. I do intend to seek out counseling but I do put it off due to feeling bad most of the time.

As I said earlier, one reason for writing this is because I am having trouble thinking about doing some treatments next month. I am scheduled to do a mapping for the Y90 radiation beads to be injected into my liver. This will entail three treatments. It may make me very sick. How can I think about doing this with my unsupportive and seemingly uncaring family. It feels like I'm fighting this all alone. It's terribly sad I think and I just do not know what I want to do about it all.

Thanks for reading,

Karen

GingerMay

What to do

Hi KarenMG. I am sorry you are going through this. My husband got his cancer diagnosis two years ago. I also have experienced non-supportive family and two of my in-laws are oncologists.  I can only speak from a caregiver perspective, but it is heartbreaking when you think family would have some sort of instinct to help but just plain don't.  I do not understand it, but have stopped trying to figure it out or go to any of them for help.  

So without support from those who are closest to us, I will share some things I do and perhaps it may give you some ideas you may also find helpful. Online forums like this one are good. I wish this was more active, but keep posting here to vent among others who understand.  You may also find others that are helpful too. Senior centers or community centers in your area often have rooms reserved for in-person support groups so you could stop by one in your area and see what may be posted, or do an online search for their calendar of events. If you need help with transportation to or from doctor appointments, there are services that offer that and many have brochures or ads posted in waiting rooms. As for helping to keep up with house cleaning, you can hire somone to come over to your house for 1-2 hours a couple times a month to vacuum, clean bathrooms, dust surfaces, and perhaps even change linens on the beds and put in a load of laundry. As for groceries, many of the Big Box stores have online ordering available and will deliver it to your home.  For meals, find a restaurant that delivers or check out something like GrubHub or Uber Meals that deliver meals at your door within a couple hours of placing your order. 

As for the people in our lives, just my opinion, but unless we have minor age children I believe our first responsibility is to ourselves - especially during times of illness. Reducing stress and drama to have the best chance of gaining and sustaining health must be first. As for funding an adult child's life, please consider what cost this is to you both financially and emotionally. You have every right to put up boundaries where you think it is needed. 

I'll be keeping you in my good thoughts today.    

KarenMG

GingerMay said:

What to do

Hi KarenMG. I am sorry you are going through this. My husband got his cancer diagnosis two years ago. I also have experienced non-supportive family and two of my in-laws are oncologists.  I can only speak from a caregiver perspective, but it is heartbreaking when you think family would have some sort of instinct to help but just plain don't.  I do not understand it, but have stopped trying to figure it out or go to any of them for help.  

So without support from those who are closest to us, I will share some things I do and perhaps it may give you some ideas you may also find helpful. Online forums like this one are good. I wish this was more active, but keep posting here to vent among others who understand.  You may also find others that are helpful too. Senior centers or community centers in your area often have rooms reserved for in-person support groups so you could stop by one in your area and see what may be posted, or do an online search for their calendar of events. If you need help with transportation to or from doctor appointments, there are services that offer that and many have brochures or ads posted in waiting rooms. As for helping to keep up with house cleaning, you can hire somone to come over to your house for 1-2 hours a couple times a month to vacuum, clean bathrooms, dust surfaces, and perhaps even change linens on the beds and put in a load of laundry. As for groceries, many of the Big Box stores have online ordering available and will deliver it to your home.  For meals, find a restaurant that delivers or check out something like GrubHub or Uber Meals that deliver meals at your door within a couple hours of placing your order. 

As for the people in our lives, just my opinion, but unless we have minor age children I believe our first responsibility is to ourselves - especially during times of illness. Reducing stress and drama to have the best chance of gaining and sustaining health must be first. As for funding an adult child's life, please consider what cost this is to you both financially and emotionally. You have every right to put up boundaries where you think it is needed. 

I'll be keeping you in my good thoughts today.    

Hi Ginger May,

Hi Ginger May,

Thanks so much for your response! Yes, I wish this board were more active. I was on the colon cancer board some but found it all too real and in my face at the time. It seems the emotional part of all this is more difficult to deal with than the actual physical symptoms. Wow, just writing that out made me realize how true that is for me. Good to know.

I do a lot of those things you mention. I have hired housekeepers, used delivery services. They definitely have their value. I guess I just so prefer to do shopping myself and especially when I need clothes. I find that very difficult due to feeling depressed. Nothing looks good to me. 

I do need to seek out more community help and counseling for sure, for some reason I am reluctant. I think if I do get out I want it to hopefully be for something pleasant. I do enjoy eating out sometimes but now since I cannot deal with riding with my son anymore that is not an option. My other son is super busy with his life and my sister is not really available. Nor do I care to socialize with her right now.

I probably come off as a big drama queen and or a flake. I might be. However, dealing with a life threatening illness is enough to make anybody crazy I say!

I am planning to have a "talk" with my sister today about the overwhelming negativity she is putting out, maybe she doesn't realize it, but for sure she will get defensive and the conversation most likely will not end in a pleasant tone. I don't expect her to change but I do need to let her know that I do not need any extra negative vibes, I produce enough of thos myself!!!

There are no easy answers for sure!

Today I sent a text to a hopefully new hairdresser and would love to get a really good haircut!

Thanks again Ginger and I would love to hear from you again. Also, so sorry about your husband's diagnosis and unsupportive family. I just don't understand people at all!

Hugs

 

 

 

BlueIris48

More on what to do or not to do

      Hi Karen MG,   Oh my.     There are so many things that you wrote in your post that I can relate to.   I have been treated for the past year for a cancer that is what is called

       'indolent'.    So.    for that,  I take new pills which have come out.     I consider myself fortunate in that regard that they are 'working'.    Having said that,  I am divorced and

      live alone.   Thirteen years ago,  I had the precursor to what I have now.   No one's ever heard of it.   There were various symptoms.   Things like prone to infection and the

      main one was fatigue.     I had to retire from work which I was close to doing.    I had many expenses for out of pocket treatments because I didn't understand what I had and

      was told I had Chronic Fagiue which went along with all of this.    I had two grown daughters.   One of them,  flat out said 'she couldn't be bothered with 'istening to all of this'.

        The other lived in another state.    I pretty much navigated on my own.    In the meantime,  I started going to counsling which I highly recommend.   It wasn't 'a shrink' but

        a licensed MFT who iis not and was then, a caring person and an excellent listener.   Also,  I found a support group at that time for chronic fatigue.   Both of these things

        lifted the weight of having to deal with all of this 'stuff' on my own.    Fast forward, to this past year.   My other daughter has returned tto the area where I live.   Now that they

        are actually usuing the cancer word,  well that got eveyone's attention.    She's taken me to a few appointments and we have shared some very special times together.    But, as

       you know,  we're the ones who deal with all the things that go into our everyday lives.     So,  yes,  it is tragic,  and it is sad that you're not getting the family support you so

       desperately need.   All I can say,  is 'I hear you'.    I hope that some of what I wrote and what Ginger wrote can be helpful.   I do urge you to find a counselor to talk to.   To keep

       reaching out however you can.    My community offered free meals for cancer patients when I needed them.   A tremendous help.    I continue to go to support groups.   We 

      truly have to be our own advocates.    I send your many hugs and blessings as you move through each day.   

KarenMG

BlueIris48 said:

More on what to do or not to do

      Hi Karen MG,   Oh my.     There are so many things that you wrote in your post that I can relate to.   I have been treated for the past year for a cancer that is what is called

       'indolent'.    So.    for that,  I take new pills which have come out.     I consider myself fortunate in that regard that they are 'working'.    Having said that,  I am divorced and

      live alone.   Thirteen years ago,  I had the precursor to what I have now.   No one's ever heard of it.   There were various symptoms.   Things like prone to infection and the

      main one was fatigue.     I had to retire from work which I was close to doing.    I had many expenses for out of pocket treatments because I didn't understand what I had and

      was told I had Chronic Fagiue which went along with all of this.    I had two grown daughters.   One of them,  flat out said 'she couldn't be bothered with 'istening to all of this'.

        The other lived in another state.    I pretty much navigated on my own.    In the meantime,  I started going to counsling which I highly recommend.   It wasn't 'a shrink' but

        a licensed MFT who iis not and was then, a caring person and an excellent listener.   Also,  I found a support group at that time for chronic fatigue.   Both of these things

        lifted the weight of having to deal with all of this 'stuff' on my own.    Fast forward, to this past year.   My other daughter has returned tto the area where I live.   Now that they

        are actually usuing the cancer word,  well that got eveyone's attention.    She's taken me to a few appointments and we have shared some very special times together.    But, as

       you know,  we're the ones who deal with all the things that go into our everyday lives.     So,  yes,  it is tragic,  and it is sad that you're not getting the family support you so

       desperately need.   All I can say,  is 'I hear you'.    I hope that some of what I wrote and what Ginger wrote can be helpful.   I do urge you to find a counselor to talk to.   To keep

       reaching out however you can.    My community offered free meals for cancer patients when I needed them.   A tremendous help.    I continue to go to support groups.   We 

      truly have to be our own advocates.    I send your many hugs and blessings as you move through each day.   

Hi BlueIris

So sorry, I just am now reading your reply. I thank you very much for it. I was in pretty much a crisis when I wrote this so things are a tad bit better. Thankfully now I have since seen a therapist, have another one lined up to see because the first one is completely booked until November 13th. So if I can see two I will be fine with that. I cannot wait until the next appt!

So sorry that you have the same sort of issues, it really is unbelievable sometimes. The only way I can rationalize it to make myself feel better is to realize that each person has their own way of dealing with death and dying and to think that your mother is going to die within possibly a year is really hard to cope with. I feel bad that I am going to leave all of them, my 2 sons and 4 grandchildren. Not get to see the 10 year old twins grow up, the 13 year old grandson and the 17 year old granddaughter. It's really too horrible to think about, so I just don't! I'm just trying to fight the good fight and not give up.

I hope you read this reply and feel free to write back. We all just have each other to lean on and that is what we should do.

Take care, Karen

 

MsLindaG

Lack of support

I can soooo relate! I have a daughter and three grown grandchildren and my daughter only seems to want to "help" me if she needs money. I get so aggravated at myself because I find it hard to say no to her, but I can't afford to keep doing this. They are bleeding me dry. Most of the time I don't hear from them at all. Even on treatment weeks they don't bother to call and see how I'm doing or if I need anything. But I can't completely cut her off cause I do need help sometimes. Arrgh!