Need serious emotional support
How or why I have not posted on this board is a really good question. Before I was diagnosed with any cancer, I was already embroiled in a plethora of emotional problems due to a history of depression and major dysfunctional family issues.
Therefore, after being diagnosed with cancer in Sept 2016, my family has tried to put on the hat of being "supportive". It's been very rocky and now that it's continuing on and on, more treatments and major procedures to come, things are getting downright ugly!
Number 1 is my only sister, with whom I've had a tumultous relationship basically all our lives, steps up and says she is going to go through this with me and I won't have to suffer alone. Maybe to ease her guilty conscience? I don't know, haven't quite figured it out to this day. Obviously I have a lot of resentments towards her that are NOT resolved.
So recently, things all came to a head with me, being super exhausted from all the treatments and having heard my doctor say possibly I only had 4-6 mos left if I got no treatments. That was in Dec. So, feeling very low and keeping that info to myself before Christmas and then having a repeat scan in Jan to see if there was aggressive new growth happening, I was about to see my Doctor. I told my sister that I really didn't want her to be in there with me at the appt because I truly thought that it was going to be extreme bad news. She agreed just to drive me and sit outside the office for the visit.
Then she tried the bait and switch. I got extremely upset and started crying, basically barked that I should have just come by myself, so she got huffy and left the room as the doctor was coming in. My son had also come in so I let him stay, because for one thing I was a mess and needed him to just hold my hand.
The scan turned out to show some growth but not a lot and the plan is to get the mets in the liver treated by the radiation beads injected directly into the liver or the Y90. The radiologist sounds very hopeful and also said that he would estimate that I might have a year without treatment and 2 years with this Y90. Who knows right?
Now, my conversations with sis have been very minimal. She acted angry towards me for about a week. As you might guess, she is very aggressive and pushy. She has pushed me through this. She has never respected my boundaries I've tried to set and has said a lot of things to me during this to make me angry, but I get past it and swallow it.
So now, I'm angry. We spoke the other day and I could tell she was getting angry because I'm angry. This is the sick way my family has always operated. They hurt you, you get mad and therefore they get mad back. Twisted. She also commented that I should not "run off people that are supporting me". Ha! I replied that this all is going to get worse at some point and if "they" can be run off, they are going to eventually anyways. Right?
I know that I am very irritable and am probably not being easy to get along with as I have tried to be in the past, but now I'm feeling like I cannot continue to kiss others hineys and take care of myself. I refuse to be treated in this dysfunctional way by my family.
Now as a result of my increased crankiness, my oldest son who is my main support system, is also acting angry after I got frustrated with him treating me rather callously and I got really ticked. So now he is mad at ME and ignoring my calls and texts. My other son is having such difficulty dealing with my illness that he avoids talking to me for the most part and cannot help me through my difficulties with my sister and his brother. What a mess!
I'm having to take Ativan due to all the major anxiety which has bad effects when wearing off but if I didn't I could never sleep and I'm shaky a lot now.
I just think my life is extremely short and precious now and I just am going to refuse to talk to anyone that might upset me or try to do what ever fits into their agenda for me. It's just so wrong. I've never been able to defend myself with my sister or my son, they are all very overbearing. It has to stop now. I don't care if I'm alone 24/7, it would be better than having someone keep me upset.
I have seen the therapist at the cancer center several times. This is such a long standing huge mess that I don't see much hope for functional happy relationships with my family. It's hard to believe that they have to continue to run their own agendas and have their own little happy way at a time like this. I guess dysfunction just never ends.
This is not written ideally like it truly is I'm afraid but maybe I've gotten my message across. You probably think I sound super whiny and difficult. Trust me, I've had therapists tell me that my family is very difficult and they have met them! I've just been the whipping post of the family, trust me, it is a thing.
I'm just trying to figure out the best way to proceed with my life and this battle, be it alone or not. I hope someone here has an idea that might help. I feel like this is a turning point and I want to do better for myself.
Thanks all,
Karen
Comments
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Hi Karen,
Hi Karen,
So sorry you are dealing with all of this. Have you posted on the cancer boards for the type of cancer that you have? Typically those are more active that this part of the forum.
I guess if it were me, I'd try to keep and make peace with my family. You don't have to take abuse, but try to just let go of any of the little stuff. Especially with your children. If you were snippy with your son that has been your support, I'd start with a sincere apology. Remember it's hard on the caregivers too and it may be easier to say oh forget it, she doesn't appreciate what I do for her.
Are you taking an antidepressant also? If not, it would be a good discussion with your doctor.
Sorry for your troubles ....I hope things improve for you.0 -
Sorry for what you are going through
I am sorry you have these dynamics to deal with. I think dysfunction does not stop during difficult times because that's what dysfunction is all about.
You ask for ideas on dealing with some family issues I've seen to a degree with my sibling. I think answers will differ, and what works for one person may not be good for another. However, I do think a healthy step is to avoid the things/people that make you upset. I think focusing on what brings you comfort and peace is great. (A walk in the fresh air?... Watching a favorite movie on-demand?)
If your boundaries aren't being respected, if calls or texts to family members are ignored, then perhpas just stop contacting them for now. You don't have to defend yourself to anyone, nor do you need what only brings on stress. Go about doing the things you need to do on our own. If they want to support you, they will come back around and you can decide if/how much/when/where you want to allow them to accompany you on this road. Whatever you decide is OK.
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Thanksjen2012 said:Hi Karen,
Hi Karen,
So sorry you are dealing with all of this. Have you posted on the cancer boards for the type of cancer that you have? Typically those are more active that this part of the forum.
I guess if it were me, I'd try to keep and make peace with my family. You don't have to take abuse, but try to just let go of any of the little stuff. Especially with your children. If you were snippy with your son that has been your support, I'd start with a sincere apology. Remember it's hard on the caregivers too and it may be easier to say oh forget it, she doesn't appreciate what I do for her.
Are you taking an antidepressant also? If not, it would be a good discussion with your doctor.
Sorry for your troubles ....I hope things improve for you.Hi Jen,
Thank you for your response. The issues with my family are long standing and unfortunately during times of crisis or difficulties, mine tend to make things worse at times as many families do. Sad but true.
I was on a rant here, I've resolved things with my son and finally spoke to my sister today. They blame my emotional reaction to the Ativan which is partly true but it is not all of it. Those types of meds have a really bad effect on me. I absolutely cannot take anti-depressants, I went through years of trying to find the right one. They just also had a bad effect on me and cause insomnia.
Everyone cannot take them...
Thanks again
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This is a great place to rantKarenMG said:Thanks
Hi Jen,
Thank you for your response. The issues with my family are long standing and unfortunately during times of crisis or difficulties, mine tend to make things worse at times as many families do. Sad but true.
I was on a rant here, I've resolved things with my son and finally spoke to my sister today. They blame my emotional reaction to the Ativan which is partly true but it is not all of it. Those types of meds have a really bad effect on me. I absolutely cannot take anti-depressants, I went through years of trying to find the right one. They just also had a bad effect on me and cause insomnia.
Everyone cannot take them...
Thanks again
This is a great place to rant. Sometimes it’s all you need! Hugs...life sure is not easy.
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