Need serious emotional support

How or why I have not posted on this board is a really good question. Before I was diagnosed with any cancer, I was already embroiled in a plethora of emotional problems due to a history of depression and major dysfunctional family issues.

Therefore, after being diagnosed with cancer in Sept 2016, my family has tried to put on the hat of being "supportive". It's been very rocky and now that it's continuing on and on, more treatments and major procedures to come, things are getting downright ugly!

Number 1 is my only sister, with whom I've had a tumultous relationship basically all our lives, steps up and says she is going to go through this with me and I won't have to suffer alone. Maybe to ease her guilty conscience? I don't know, haven't quite figured it out to this day. Obviously I have a lot of resentments towards her that are NOT resolved.

So recently, things all came to a head with me, being super exhausted from all the treatments and having heard my doctor say possibly I only had 4-6 mos left if I got no treatments. That was in Dec. So, feeling very low and keeping that info to myself before Christmas and then having a repeat scan in Jan to see if there was aggressive new growth happening, I was about to see my Doctor. I told my sister that I really didn't want her to be in there with me at the appt because I truly thought that it was going to be extreme bad news. She agreed just to drive me and sit outside the office for the visit.

Then she tried the bait and switch. I got extremely upset and started crying, basically barked that I should have just come by myself, so she got huffy and left the room as the doctor was coming in. My son had also come in so I let him stay, because for one thing I was a mess and needed him to just hold my hand.

The scan turned out to show some growth but not a lot and the plan is to get the mets in the liver treated by the radiation beads injected directly into the liver or the Y90. The radiologist sounds very hopeful and also said that he would estimate that I might have a year without treatment and 2 years with this Y90. Who knows right?

Now, my conversations with sis have been very minimal. She acted angry towards me for about a week. As you might guess, she is very aggressive and pushy. She has pushed me through this. She has never respected my boundaries I've tried to set and has said a lot of things to me during this to make me angry, but I get past it and swallow it.

So now, I'm angry. We spoke the other day and I could tell she was getting angry because I'm angry. This is the sick way my family has always operated. They hurt you, you get mad and therefore they get mad back. Twisted. She also commented that I should not "run off people that are supporting me". Ha! I replied that this all is going to get worse at some point and if "they" can be run off, they are going to eventually anyways. Right?

I know that I am very irritable and am probably not being easy to get along with as I have tried to be in the past, but now I'm feeling like I cannot continue to kiss others hineys and take care of myself. I refuse to be treated in this dysfunctional way by my family.

Now as a result of my increased crankiness, my oldest son who is my main support system, is also acting angry after I got frustrated with him treating me rather callously and I got really ticked. So now he is mad at ME and ignoring my calls and texts. My other son is having such difficulty dealing with my illness that he avoids talking to me for the most part and cannot help me through my difficulties with my sister and his brother. What a mess!

I'm having to take Ativan due to all the major anxiety which has bad effects when wearing off but if I didn't I could never sleep and I'm shaky a lot now.

I just think my life is extremely short and precious now and I just am going to refuse to talk to anyone that might upset me or try to do what ever fits into their agenda for me. It's just so wrong. I've never been able to defend myself with my sister or my son, they are all very overbearing. It has to stop now. I don't care if I'm alone 24/7, it would be better than having someone keep me upset.

I have seen the therapist at the cancer center several times. This is such a long standing huge mess that I don't see much hope for functional happy relationships with my family. It's hard to believe that they have to continue to run their own agendas and have their own little happy way at a time like this. I guess dysfunction just never ends.

This is not written ideally like it truly is I'm afraid but maybe I've gotten my message across. You probably think I sound super whiny and difficult. Trust me, I've had therapists tell me that my family is very difficult and they have met them! I've just been the whipping post of the family, trust me, it is a thing.

I'm just trying to figure out the best way to proceed with my life and this battle, be it alone or not. I hope someone here has an idea that might help. I feel like this is a turning point and I want to do better for myself.

Thanks all,

Karen