scared

i, along with my sister and her two teenage boys, watched my 50 year old brother in law die, back on November 4, 2017. The worst case scenario was 8 months. Thirteen weeks later he was dead. The late August diagnosis was at the same time my mother came out of remission from fourth stage ovarian cancer. That's been going n for about a year. The year prior to that my father had bladder cancer, which has remained in remission. Oh yeah, and my belov dog died a week and a half before my brother in law.

I've spent days in cancer hospitals, late nights at hospice, driven to emergency rooms, attended countless oncologist and surgical appointments for all 3 family members, heard devastating news, planned a funeral, moved my nephew into college because his dad was too sick, bought wigs, bought groceries, moved in with my sister, filled her and her two boys stockings for Christmas and everything else that goes along with the cancer package. On January 3, 2018, my father had a mild stroke. Once again I did the emergency room, hospital meetings with doctors. it was mild, and he was lucky.   I still shop for my parents, take their garbage out and check in on them. 

So I didn't tell my family when my doctor ordered an internal ultrasound and then an MRI for the pain in my lower left abdomen that has been intermittent for many months , but always put on the back burner because of everything that was going on.

Today the pain is wearing me out, much worse than it has ever been. I' m scared. And I can't tell anyone. 

It's not that I'm afriad to die, I've seen how that goes and I know what will happen afterwards. It's the waiting, the not knowing which path will be before me. And I can't tell anyone. God knows my family has been through enough.

So im just waiting, sending this out to the ether world, meditsting, breathing, trying to just be love