scared

Katefont

i, along with my sister and her two teenage boys, watched my 50 year old brother in law die, back on November 4, 2017. The worst case scenario was 8 months. Thirteen weeks later he was dead. The late August diagnosis was at the same time my mother came out of remission from fourth stage ovarian cancer. That's been going n for about a year. The year prior to that my father had bladder cancer, which has remained in remission. Oh yeah, and my belov dog died a week and a half before my brother in law.

I've spent days in cancer hospitals, late nights at hospice, driven to emergency rooms, attended countless oncologist and surgical appointments for all 3 family members, heard devastating news, planned a funeral, moved my nephew into college because his dad was too sick, bought wigs, bought groceries, moved in with my sister, filled her and her two boys stockings for Christmas and everything else that goes along with the cancer package. On January 3, 2018, my father had a mild stroke. Once again I did the emergency room, hospital meetings with doctors. it was mild, and he was lucky.   I still shop for my parents, take their garbage out and check in on them. 

So I didn't tell my family when my doctor ordered an internal ultrasound and then an MRI for the pain in my lower left abdomen that has been intermittent for many months , but always put on the back burner because of everything that was going on.

Today the pain is wearing me out, much worse than it has ever been. I' m scared. And I can't tell anyone. 

It's not that I'm afriad to die, I've seen how that goes and I know what will happen afterwards. It's the waiting, the not knowing which path will be before me. And I can't tell anyone. God knows my family has been through enough.

So im just waiting, sending this out to the ether world, meditsting, breathing, trying to just be love

 

saltycandy13

so sorry

Heartbreaking as it is, please know you are not alone.  I'm sitting here at 2:42 a,m   Can't sleep  I have to have surgery on Friday.  I am afraid and not only afraid of the surgery, of what they find.  I suppose maybe I should grow up.   I am 59 years old.

I keep it to myself, my fears, innner thoughts and think maybe it's time I'm needed "up there."  If so, I guess so.  I've been here a pretty long time.  When you consider kids born with cancer and some don't even have a chance.  And is life all that great?  Not for me.  I've struggled with death, Graves' Disease and a brain tumor so sometimes I even wonder why I keep fighting.

Karen

GingerMay

Growing up

Salty, I don't think any of us can be grown up enough to face the things that cancer brings into our lives. Maybe it helps to take things one day at a time, one step at a time.  Any surgery whether laprascopic, orthroscopic or otherwise is a big deal and scary.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  All the best to you on Friday.  Keep us posted as you are able.         

saltycandy13

thank you so much!

I will!  I appreciate your comforting words!

Karen