Pushed to my limits

Been there and done that.  Everything you just said is very normal for a caregiver.  

In short, your burned out.  And I have reached this phase as well many times.  Here is what you need to do.

1. Stop arguing.  My wife is/was very argumentative.  She was angry about everything and for years (not months but
years) she was very belittling.  But years ago, I just stopped arguing with her for my own health.
I found myself feeling poorly after any type of argument and literally just stopped arguing.  I recommend the
same.  Your going to find it difficult in the beginning to resist the urge to say something back, but after awhile
it grows on you.  I found with my wife that when I stopped arguing that she upped her game and became even
more enraged.  Let her scream, let her yell and walk away.  Your health and your well-being is important.

2. Find a job.  Cooking seems to be your passion (its not mine!).  Find a job cooking.  If not, find a job
doing something else.  But I think a job will get you out of the house more often and that will be a good thing.

3. Eat healthy, exercise regularly get enough sleep.  I found with my wife that if I ever didnt get enough sleep,
didnt exercie and didnt eat right, that her yelling and screaming really got on my nerves.  

My wife came home from the hospital after the birth of our 3rd child and literally went to the basement on the
1st day to live.  She was depressed and slept too much.  I had a 6 year old, 4 year old and 1 day old to take
care of and someone needed to pay the bills.  2 years later my wife finally went to the clinic and was diagnosed
with cancer and I remember the doctor saying she should have come in 5-7 years ago.  Many, many times I
have been burned out but you can avoid burnouts but really taking care of yourself.  Your happiness in this world
in important.

Caregiver72 said:

Need suggestions

i have a sister recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, currently under-going chemotherapy. Another sister and I take turns every two weeks flying to our sister’s town to care for her. Recently she is angry with us, verbally abusive, demanding, demeaning to any suggestion we make. She refuses to follow the plan of care set up by her medical team. We both feel like we are walking on egg shells knowing we will be criticized no matter what we do or say. We both want to tell her we want to be here with you but we cannot tolerate the abuse any longer. She gets angry if we contact her team to discuss problems with them but she isnt following the plan of care. We feel she is being dishonest with her doctors and nurses by letting them believe she does what they recommend. 

My wife finished 11 months of chemotherapy about one year ago.  In the first 2 months after chemotherapy,
my wife was in decent spirits.  I think she was more happy that her hair was growing back then anything.
Peace lasted for 2 months.  Then  we went to visit her family for a month.  But before we left, I told her I
would only go if she stays with her sister and the kids (3 kids in total) and myself stay in an apartment on
this trip.  My wife gets very angry at me and I didnt want to deal with her anger on this trip and I didnt want
the kids to see or be around her anger.  She agreed.  Her sister didnt understand at all my wife's anger and
I remember her saying something on the lines of 'were happy to take her in' before the trip.

The first few days, she was okay to be around but by day 4, she was so angry with her sister that she left to
live with her parents.  Now living with her parents, her sister said to me "she [my wife and her sister] hates
me". By the end of that month, her parents said "nobody can stand to be around her".

I walked on egg shells everytime I saw my wife because she was so angry so often.  My wife took her
anger/rage to a level that I had no desire to see or witness and this rage lasted for years. It took about a month
for my wife's family to finally understand the vast personality change/mood swing that occured in my wife and
their sister/daughter.

Everything you wrote I have personally experienced and I wrote the same comments in my first post on this
forum.  My best advice is to:

1. Not argue with your sister because it takes away from your health and well being. Let your sister yell and be
verbally abusive and take care of yourself. Your happiness is important.  Take breaks from being a caregiver.  

2. Trust your instincts.  Looking back, before my wife was diagnosed with cancer, she was awful to be around.
Instintively I knew there was a problem but my wife and her sister kept telling me that I was the problem. My
instincts were spot-on and whatever her family or anyone else tells me, I know the difference between a healthy
lifestyle and unhealthy one and I sure you do as well.

3. Try not to take insults personally.  My wife accused me a long list of bad things.  She started off accusing me
of light things like cheating on my taxes and cheating my employer... so financial misdeeds.  Over time, the
accusations grew stronger into some really awful accusations that I prefer to not list out here.  Over time, the
demands, insults, demeaning comments, false accusations are things that I laugh off and tell to friends and
family over drinks. You will too some day.

You do what you can do and nothing more. There is a lot you cant do.  It sounds like you want to do more and
when your sister reaches out for help, offer it. My wife was given medicine to take post-chemotherapy and she has
never taken any of that medicine.  I cant force her to take that medicine. Her sister and family were screaming their
heads off trying to get her to take that medicine and she told all of them from the aunts, uncles, cousins, parents,
and sister to all stuff it and she never took the medicine.

There are brief times where my wife has privately told me some things (and not her sister) but this usually occurs
once every 6 months. So perhaps your sister will open up eventually.  Being a caregiver is difficult.