Pushed to my limits
First time posting... Probably should have saught help years ago.
I met my wife almost 8 years ago, she had multiple cancer spots and thankfully some have been successfully defeated. She takes her meds but doesnt talk about it... Only to remind me in an argument that she has cancer... Thinking i forgot.
I have sacrificed and lost jobs, schooling, friendships bc i moved to her town. We are on government aid bc i havent been able to secure a job. All my qualifications and education is out of date or I'm overqualified for regular jobs. As i dont have work i take care of her. I cook the meals, make the hot drinks, bring her what she needs, make the baths (half the time, she has been making most of them recently)... And when we babysit our family members I'm usually the one to watch them. Recently i took a course and she was helping out more, getting into a new groove but still sometime id still be expected to cook the meals, etc on top of going to school for the day. I figured she could have fed herself but usually she would just wait for me to come home and wait till she was starving for dinner.
Today we had a busy day. My wife hasnt told her parents of her 2nd bout of cancer. She pushes herself when they visit or ask for her help. She tends to relax most days to recover afterwards or is in too much pain to do much when it's just us. So today she helped reno a part of the house. I helped as much as i could.
And now she's exhausted... I feel she always does this for others but rarely does everyday things for us.
So when she said she was hungry i didn't offer right away to make food. After an hour she asked what we could eat and i listed off the easy food that just needed to be heated. I was asked what i was willing to cook and decided to go downstairs to check what there was without telling her what i was doing (bad on me for not communicating)
Nothing peaked her interest but she decided on something, so i listed a few other things thinking it would be a better option. This only made her overwhelmed and upset, which started the fight.
I stayed downstairs to cook and she got to go relax upatairs.
I came up and then had a silent meal in front of the tv... Which it was up to me to go and find something to watch...i had hoped something would have been picked out when i got upstairs like usual...
After dinner we tried apologizing which resulted in more fighting bc i was insulted that i had to apologize more for not being responsible (which i took as a whole, but aparently just bc i take a while to apologize)
So we've been fighting for hours... And its always about the same thing... Food. She had even offered that we go out with our last $10 that we were saving to get some groceries... But she was thinking of me... Not wanting to push me to have to cook.... But i unfortunately got pissed bc the other 10 we had went to a pack of smokes... And most of our other fights come down to wasting monwy on cigarettes... But i bit my tongue and kept it focused on the argument at hand...
So i keep feeling like I'm a live in maid.... Like i clean up after us, help her and her family... Which has at times interfered with getting motivated to job hunt, or the amount of time we do offer to help others, I'd have no time for a job! Or be made to feel guilty if i did have one and couldnt help. Im1 tired of feeling like i put in my all for us, and she puts in her all for everyone else. I'm tired of hating cooking, which i loved and now its a chore... Im tired of resenting my wife for being so tired and me thinking she's just being lazy... Or her being tired from helping someone else. I'm angry that i get told (yes during fights so it doesnt fully count... But still) that I'm not responsible and that she's trying. I'm tired of feeling like I'm only staying for our pets.... I keep feeling maybe we need a break but then feel guilty bc who knows how she'll be in her own. Have i done too much and its now expected of me? Have i fed into this lifestyle or have i just done whats absolutely needed for her to live/survive? I feel she has it pretty good in terms of not being responsible for doing chores around the house, for not being expected to get a job... How do other cancer patients function daily? I know some people have jobs and get out of bed and do things. I know some are are happy and positive.... My wife won't seek out help. But i dont know what else to do. I try and do... But im exhausted and fed up. And angry. And i just want to have a day of no responsibilities....
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