Lost Wife

Hi,

I am not sure I have all the advice. I am also going through similar siuation. my husband has been diagnoised with stage 4 lung cancer an on average given 12- may be 24 months. which has taken a toll on him, and he has hit depression. I find it hard or I am hard on myself that I am not doing enough. we too were recently just married once we found out. it is hard when you love someone to watch them become ill. I have high anxiety that is hard to control sometimes. like you, I do not want to loose him. and can not imagine life withouth him. I believe given them as much love and support as possible is the most right now. not sure if you do, but I carry a full time job that I have to maintain on top of caring for him. which makes the guilt even more for me.

surround yourself with family, friends and support systems. and take sometime for yourself. I am still working on that one. but I know it is important to take care of you as well. I wish you the best on your journey. and to contiune reaching out to speak to people.

Sondra

psychedoutca said:

Anticipatory grief in the meantime

Sadly I know all too well what you are going through. My husband is only 45, stage IV nasopharyngeal carcinoma squamous cell metastatic. I am writing this in his ER room right now. He ran a solid fever today, was not hydrating with the new clinical trial. The new uncertainty is whether he will be able to remain on the trial or not. I encourage a strong support base, and when we got news that the cancer spread to his liver and there was talk of palliative care, I took a nose dive. I am a social worker and it totally tumbled me. I sought family and friends and actually saw a counselor that is specialized in oncology and grief, she apologized to me and told me this is what's called anticipatory grief, and that I would again experience grief after he succumbs to the cancer.  Every day with one foot in today and one foot in planing for tomorrow has been helpful, you see we have four children all under 18. I am actually thinking tomorrow I had physicals and doctor appts for the kids scheduled that now has to be rescheduled and plans continue to change etc. my advice. LIVE, LIVE as much as you can RIGHT NOW. Let it be a life altering change in the positive because the truth is we are not promised tomorrow and I would want to go out on my own terms and that means loving each day, do the things you have been putting off, do the things that make you feel free and do them together while you can. In the meantime we are here for you. Keep the conversation going. 

My husband is young as well, only 47. Our kids are grown, I can not imagine having younger children and going through this. You are right, you have to live. we hope to be able to go to the ocean before he gets really sick from this. He asked to see it one more time, and I want to do all I can for him should something take place. Being a care giver is one of the hardest things I have ever done. and having and knowing I am not alone, my hopes it becomes a little easier. my thought and prayers to you and your family.

  I know all too well what each and everyone of you are going through as I've lost my husband and 2004. My husband was very religious ever since I met him at 17 he was never worried about himself were he was going heaven/hell and he was never had any depression.  He was diagnosed in 2000 and he lived for four years and he was stage four when they found it. All I can say is try to do all the things that make him happy I encouraged my husband to buy the Harley he wanted and I sold it to a friend afterwards.  He worked almost the whole time and for the last 2 1/2 years of his life he had a feeding tube because he never could swallow again after the operations I encouraged him if you wanted to drink pour a beer down his tube hell forget what anyone thinkS you do what makes you happy what makes him happy. I don't know if this helps any because he was so close to God he smiles and was happy all the way to the end but I would like you to know he did come to me in my dreams because I was the one who was a wreak with a grown daughter but a 14 year old boy to raise after trying for years to have him...David came into our bedroom through our French doors and had a tray of food, he loved to cook, and I cried and asked him why did he have to leave me. He smiled, no scares on his neck from the cancer. He even had his long red hair, he looked to be 30, he was 46 when he passed. He had that 100 pounds back..he looked so good. He told me not to be sad, he felt so good. He told me I was strong and I'd be fine. We all find a strength that you have no idea that you have until called to use it. You will be ok, sad yes, just make sure everyone goes to get counseled, no insurance go through the state. No excuses if you have kids. Never forget to take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Please don't sit around and waste what time there is. But do remember to dig deep for the strength you have and talk to him and don't forget about talking to God. It help us a lot. Sincerely, Susan

my husband died a month ago yesterday, Everyday i wondered if I did all I could for him, 

All you can do is be there for him, talk to him.. my husband only had a little less than 2 month

from diagnosis, til he was gone. I wish you the best. I'm sure you being there for him is enough.

So sorry about your diagnosis.  Just wanted to suggest that you might get better response if you copy and paste your post in to the "head and neck" cancer specific forum.  Was the diagnosis determined by a biopsy?  When you have the rest of the information from the scans etc., it may be more clear as to whether you want to undergo the proposed treatment.  Best success and God bless.

It may not be fun but there is life after treatment, what helped me was the support of friends and family.  I was determined not to give up for them.  Your life affects many people as these posts demonstrate and proves your life is valuable even with the after/side effects..