Lost Wife

Kidpsych

My 36 year old husband has stage 4 esophageal/gastric cancer. It's been less than 1 year since the first cancer cells were found. He had lost 20 lbs out of nowhere, so eventually his esophagus was biopsied. Since then, it's been  the same story as everyone else. J tube, chemo, surgeries, IV food, side effects, etc. I find myself paralyzed with fear at this time. He has been given a year or so by three different Chicago oncologists. We have decided to just accept our fate. How do I better support my husband in dealing with this fact? I am falling apart and feel that I have nothing to offer him. I support him and think I'm doing a decent job, based on input from family. I'll never feel like I'm doing a good job, particularly since I cannot help him deal with his own mortality. I feel like I want to die with him.  I cannot imagine my life without him. Any advice would be appreciated. 

sondrahays

Lost Wife

Hi,

I am not sure I have all the advice. I am also going through similar siuation. my husband has been diagnoised with stage 4 lung cancer an on average given 12- may be 24 months. which has taken a toll on him, and he has hit depression. I find it hard or I am hard on myself that I am not doing enough. we too were recently just married once we found out. it is hard when you love someone to watch them become ill. I have high anxiety that is hard to control sometimes. like you, I do not want to loose him. and can not imagine life withouth him. I believe given them as much love and support as possible is the most right now. not sure if you do, but I carry a full time job that I have to maintain on top of caring for him. which makes the guilt even more for me.

surround yourself with family, friends and support systems. and take sometime for yourself. I am still working on that one. but I know it is important to take care of you as well. I wish you the best on your journey. and to contiune reaching out to speak to people.

Sondra

psychedoutca

Anticipatory grief in the meantime

Sadly I know all too well what you are going through. My husband is only 45, stage IV nasopharyngeal carcinoma squamous cell metastatic. I am writing this in his ER room right now. He ran a solid fever today, was not hydrating with the new clinical trial. The new uncertainty is whether he will be able to remain on the trial or not. I encourage a strong support base, and when we got news that the cancer spread to his liver and there was talk of palliative care, I took a nose dive. I am a social worker and it totally tumbled me. I sought family and friends and actually saw a counselor that is specialized in oncology and grief, she apologized to me and told me this is what's called anticipatory grief, and that I would again experience grief after he succumbs to the cancer.  Every day with one foot in today and one foot in planing for tomorrow has been helpful, you see we have four children all under 18. I am actually thinking tomorrow I had physicals and doctor appts for the kids scheduled that now has to be rescheduled and plans continue to change etc. my advice. LIVE, LIVE as much as you can RIGHT NOW. Let it be a life altering change in the positive because the truth is we are not promised tomorrow and I would want to go out on my own terms and that means loving each day, do the things you have been putting off, do the things that make you feel free and do them together while you can. In the meantime we are here for you. Keep the conversation going. 

sondrahays

psychedoutca said:

Anticipatory grief in the meantime

Sadly I know all too well what you are going through. My husband is only 45, stage IV nasopharyngeal carcinoma squamous cell metastatic. I am writing this in his ER room right now. He ran a solid fever today, was not hydrating with the new clinical trial. The new uncertainty is whether he will be able to remain on the trial or not. I encourage a strong support base, and when we got news that the cancer spread to his liver and there was talk of palliative care, I took a nose dive. I am a social worker and it totally tumbled me. I sought family and friends and actually saw a counselor that is specialized in oncology and grief, she apologized to me and told me this is what's called anticipatory grief, and that I would again experience grief after he succumbs to the cancer.  Every day with one foot in today and one foot in planing for tomorrow has been helpful, you see we have four children all under 18. I am actually thinking tomorrow I had physicals and doctor appts for the kids scheduled that now has to be rescheduled and plans continue to change etc. my advice. LIVE, LIVE as much as you can RIGHT NOW. Let it be a life altering change in the positive because the truth is we are not promised tomorrow and I would want to go out on my own terms and that means loving each day, do the things you have been putting off, do the things that make you feel free and do them together while you can. In the meantime we are here for you. Keep the conversation going. 

Greif

My husband is young as well, only 47. Our kids are grown, I can not imagine having younger children and going through this. You are right, you have to live. we hope to be able to go to the ocean before he gets really sick from this. He asked to see it one more time, and I want to do all I can for him should something take place. Being a care giver is one of the hardest things I have ever done. and having and knowing I am not alone, my hopes it becomes a little easier. my thought and prayers to you and your family.

JerzyGrrl

You could...

You could ask him what he'd especially like to do or have, as well as what would bet most helpful for you to do (or not do). 

As for feeling as though you're not being a "good enough" caregiver? I think that's a fairly common concern. We're not super-caregivers, able to leap tall piles of whatever in a single bound. We're humans who get tired, worn out, need sleep and nourishment, and only have 24 hours a day to pack everything into. You do what you can and that's OK. Get help when and where you can find it. 

If you can get counseling, also maybe couples counseling, that might be a help to up your communication skills during this tough time. 

Hugs to you and yours - 

Slgray007

Squamous cell carcinoma

  I know all too well what each and everyone of you are going through as I've lost my husband and 2004. My husband was very religious ever since I met him at 17 he was never worried about himself were he was going heaven/hell and he was never had any depression.  He was diagnosed in 2000 and he lived for four years and he was stage four when they found it. All I can say is try to do all the things that make him happy I encouraged my husband to buy the Harley he wanted and I sold it to a friend afterwards.  He worked almost the whole time and for the last 2 1/2 years of his life he had a feeding tube because he never could swallow again after the operations I encouraged him if you wanted to drink pour a beer down his tube hell forget what anyone thinkS you do what makes you happy what makes him happy. I don't know if this helps any because he was so close to God he smiles and was happy all the way to the end but I would like you to know he did come to me in my dreams because I was the one who was a wreak with a grown daughter but a 14 year old boy to raise after trying for years to have him...David came into our bedroom through our French doors and had a tray of food, he loved to cook, and I cried and asked him why did he have to leave me. He smiled, no scares on his neck from the cancer. He even had his long red hair, he looked to be 30, he was 46 when he passed. He had that 100 pounds back..he looked so good. He told me not to be sad, he felt so good. He told me I was strong and I'd be fine. We all find a strength that you have no idea that you have until called to use it. You will be ok, sad yes, just make sure everyone goes to get counseled, no insurance go through the state. No excuses if you have kids. Never forget to take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Please don't sit around and waste what time there is. But do remember to dig deep for the strength you have and talk to him and don't forget about talking to God. It help us a lot. Sincerely, Susan

JosephK

Susan

Mine came back tome in my dreams as well. We broke up in September of 2012 and had little to no contact for almost 4 years. I went back to her in her last 9 months (Auguest 2016) not knowing she was going to die. Iwas with her until the end. She csme back to me in a dream crying and said that she was so happy I came back to her. She had her hair back and she was healthy but she had tears of joy telling me that she so happy I came back to her. I take it as a sign that i will be with her again. I miss her every hour of everyday and I'm so happy we got back together before she died. I am hoping that it is a sign for our reunion in heaven.

DR9r00ms

I feel for you

my husband died a month ago yesterday, Everyday i wondered if I did all I could for him, 

All you can do is be there for him, talk to him.. my husband only had a little less than 2 month

from diagnosis, til he was gone. I wish you the best. I'm sure you being there for him is enough.

 

Trailsendfarm

Trying to decide about pursuing treatment...or not

I hav just been diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma of the tonsil, and have other lymph nodes involved. Awaiting PET scan. Candidly, while I won't have all of the information for a week or more, I am trying to think about whether or not tx is what I want.  I can't see not being able to speak (must for my employment), feeding tube, being sick from tx.... I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer.... any feedback will be appreciated.  By the way, my name is the name of my farm-- for the past 10 years.

 

N

ClaCla

Trailsendfarm

So sorry about your diagnosis.  Just wanted to suggest that you might get better response if you copy and paste your post in to the "head and neck" cancer specific forum.  Was the diagnosis determined by a biopsy?  When you have the rest of the information from the scans etc., it may be more clear as to whether you want to undergo the proposed treatment.  Best success and God bless.

Sinus2016

My thoughts During treatment

Dear Kidpsych,

When I was going through treatment and unsure of my future it seemed to be more difficult for my wife.  All I could do is think of her welfare with out me so I worked on putting the house in order.  All I really wanted was her to be at my side and comfort me when I needed it.  I find myself fortunate to have her love and support through the tough times and if my life expectancy gets shortened then I hope she will support me like you are supporting your husband.  BUT the last thing I would want is for her to fall apart and want to give up.  I would want my wife to move forward and live a long life for both of us and cherish the time we had together.

As this post demonstates from all the responses your not alone and you need to be proud of yourself for not giving up. Stay strong and happy for the time you have together. 

Sinus2016

Trailsendfarm go for it.

It may not be fun but there is life after treatment, what helped me was the support of friends and family.  I was determined not to give up for them.  Your life affects many people as these posts demonstrate and proves your life is valuable even with the after/side effects..