Alone

Hey Randall,

My fiance has been diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma.  We just found out a month ago.  I'm lucky, my parents are close, and I have friends that are helpful, but I feel lost too.  Two months ago we were talking about our wedding day, and now -optimistically- we are hoping we can get through this and maybe have kids.  I find that little things bug me now.  Some people I love I have to resist pushing them away.  Some people I reach out to avoid me, or give me this god-awful look of pity.  I don't want to burden my fiance with how I feel, because he's going through so much.  I feel like I'm being the rock, and if I crumble it will all just fall down.  I cry in the car a lot, because it's the only time I'm alone.  If I'm at work, sometimes I just have this panicked need to go home.  I feel guilty, but then I have to remind myself that this is random.  There is nothing we have done wrong.  We love each other, and we are spending our beautiful time together...

I've found that having honest conversations with my fiance help.  We both talk about how we are feeling.  We can't know what the other is going through right now, but we can support each other.  It's exhausting, and it's ok to be scared and it's ok to be angry at it.

I understand.  I hope you find strength and solace.  Let me know if you need to talk or vent.  My name is Lisa.

My name is Kyle and I am supporting my mother. She is 60 and in January of 2016 she had a full hysterectomy to remove benign tumors on the ovaries. Post surgery cancer cells were found in the fallopian tubes and chemo followed, external / internal radiation treatments as well. One year later cancer cells were found in the lining of her stomach. She is now receiving Doxorubicin every 21 days.

I understand the isolation b/c I'm an only child raised by a single mother, therefore I'm the default caretaker for my mother. She's my whole family. Unfortunately she is also very insecure and untrusting. Despite the fact I've supported my mother through four other surgeries with long recovery periods, despite the open and honest discussions I've attempted in order to fix this gap in trust, despite the fact I am now living in limbo to support her through this frightening and weakening experience she is mean and unresponsive to my requests. I've tried every way I can to approach this subject but there's just no winning with her. She says hateful things to me everyday, and last week after chemo she punched me in the chest. Chyeahh....I didn't know what to do. No one had ever punched me before. She parked to complete her errand and I got out of the car and walked the 6.5 miles home. When I asked her if she felt remorseful for violating me she said she was justified b/c I was "in her face." She also told me to leave. Sadly, my mother is not in a position to care for herself. Long before the diagnosis she was angry, upset, and generally depressed. I don't even know what happiness looks like on my mother, but she's a survivor and up until this point in her life that worked just fine. Now everyday is a struggle worse then the day before and any hopes of social celebrations or family outings has been dashed. What little energy she has to spare she reserves for work. I'm cooking, cleaning, making improvements on her home, and taking care of her business affairs.

So, I'm between a rock and a hard place. I want to be a good son, and I want to be happy. Initially I wanted to be the caregiver b/c I wouldn't want anyone else to care for my mother, but now I ask myself "What are you getting out of this? What is your reward at the end of this all?" My relationship with her has been boiled down to an awful unpaying duty. I'm doing this by myself, no other family and I feel degraded. Friends have suggested I leave and at least be happy, but I just wouldn't be able to carry the guilt. I know she needs me. She knows she needs me, but won't say it. I've done all I can to treat her the way I would expect to be treated and it's unnoticed. I struggle with my anger and sadness daily. Often times I wonder if she would endure this treatment for me. She's not just resistant to change and support she down right refuses and is often times verbally abusive while refusing help. 

I'm struggling too Randall and I hate it for all of us.

I also am so glad for this opportunity to share, since we just found out my husband's cancer diagnosis.  Stage 4 prostate, bone mets all over.  He was slowly getting sick, but this was still out of nowhere as far as we knew.  Two month's ago we were fighting over housework.  Now it's all mine.  It's still too much for me alone, but I'm trying to put in the extra effort for him so things are nicer.   Therapy has the pain undercontrol and will give him some more time.... but he says he feels too good to be dying now that therapy has started working.  But he is, just not as quickly.  Times aren't tough yet for us, as there will be no chemo or radiation.  But there also is not enough time!!!   All I can do is agree with Catholic that a caregiver's happiness matters, too.   So be kind to yourself and try to discuss what both of you need to make some happy memories today.