Alone

Venusan

Hello everyone. My name is Randall. My fiancee has terminal cancer. And I am not taking away from what she is going through, but I feel so alone. Most people in my past have judged me, including her family, and I have no one to go through this with. I myself have no family, so I feel I can not share my anger, or hurt, or anything whithout someone judging me and truthfully not even caring. So here I am. If you understand or feel the same way. I would love to hear from you. Thank you.

kungpowchick

Not so alone

Hey Randall,

My fiance has been diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma.  We just found out a month ago.  I'm lucky, my parents are close, and I have friends that are helpful, but I feel lost too.  Two months ago we were talking about our wedding day, and now -optimistically- we are hoping we can get through this and maybe have kids.  I find that little things bug me now.  Some people I love I have to resist pushing them away.  Some people I reach out to avoid me, or give me this god-awful look of pity.  I don't want to burden my fiance with how I feel, because he's going through so much.  I feel like I'm being the rock, and if I crumble it will all just fall down.  I cry in the car a lot, because it's the only time I'm alone.  If I'm at work, sometimes I just have this panicked need to go home.  I feel guilty, but then I have to remind myself that this is random.  There is nothing we have done wrong.  We love each other, and we are spending our beautiful time together...

I've found that having honest conversations with my fiance help.  We both talk about how we are feeling.  We can't know what the other is going through right now, but we can support each other.  It's exhausting, and it's ok to be scared and it's ok to be angry at it.

I understand.  I hope you find strength and solace.  Let me know if you need to talk or vent.  My name is Lisa.

Catholic

Post often.  Come to this

Post often.  Come to this forum and vent.

Im not sure what you mean when you say "Most people in my past have judged me, including her family...".

My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a year of chemotherapy and now just sits around the house all day.  Its been a year since chemotherapy and she is an angry person (she is angry with the world).  Before she was ever diagnosed with cancer and before she ever set foot in a clinic, she spent a good solid 4-5 years saying really bad things about me to everyone she could and especially her family.  I would have happily divorced her but we have young kids together and I think divorce would have hurt the kids at that age.  My wife's family had neutral views of me but with my wife constantly calling and falsely accusing me of something really bad, they embraced her viewpoint of me.   Her family, who are from China, judged me as a typical "evil American" and my wife's sister would email me and list all of the bad things I have done during my marriage.  As a side note, everything I was accussed of was false but it didnt matter.  Just keep accussing because it distracted from the truth that my wife had cancer and instead of going to a clinic 5 years ago, spent her time accusing me a really awful stuff.  So I know what its like to be falsely judged by others and by my wife's family.  

The tide turned for me when my wife was diagnosed with cancer.   My wife's sister started questioning my wife and not me. The tide also turned when we went to China to visit her family last summmer which is when chemotherapy ended. Her family observed first hand her explosive temper and the dysfunction she has in being around our kids.  Time has been my asset.  In time, the truth has slowly been coming out.

You have to find outlets to talk because it helps.  Just enduring anger is no fun. This forum can help and you can post comments here as often as you like.  Someone once told me "your happiness in this world matters" and it was a great comment.  I pass the same comment to you.  Your happiness in this world matters.

lunchboxjo

You're not alone

My name is Kyle and I am supporting my mother. She is 60 and in January of 2016 she had a full hysterectomy to remove benign tumors on the ovaries. Post surgery cancer cells were found in the fallopian tubes and chemo followed, external / internal radiation treatments as well. One year later cancer cells were found in the lining of her stomach. She is now receiving Doxorubicin every 21 days.

I understand the isolation b/c I'm an only child raised by a single mother, therefore I'm the default caretaker for my mother. She's my whole family. Unfortunately she is also very insecure and untrusting. Despite the fact I've supported my mother through four other surgeries with long recovery periods, despite the open and honest discussions I've attempted in order to fix this gap in trust, despite the fact I am now living in limbo to support her through this frightening and weakening experience she is mean and unresponsive to my requests. I've tried every way I can to approach this subject but there's just no winning with her. She says hateful things to me everyday, and last week after chemo she punched me in the chest. Chyeahh....I didn't know what to do. No one had ever punched me before. She parked to complete her errand and I got out of the car and walked the 6.5 miles home. When I asked her if she felt remorseful for violating me she said she was justified b/c I was "in her face." She also told me to leave. Sadly, my mother is not in a position to care for herself. Long before the diagnosis she was angry, upset, and generally depressed. I don't even know what happiness looks like on my mother, but she's a survivor and up until this point in her life that worked just fine. Now everyday is a struggle worse then the day before and any hopes of social celebrations or family outings has been dashed. What little energy she has to spare she reserves for work. I'm cooking, cleaning, making improvements on her home, and taking care of her business affairs.

So, I'm between a rock and a hard place. I want to be a good son, and I want to be happy. Initially I wanted to be the caregiver b/c I wouldn't want anyone else to care for my mother, but now I ask myself "What are you getting out of this? What is your reward at the end of this all?" My relationship with her has been boiled down to an awful unpaying duty. I'm doing this by myself, no other family and I feel degraded. Friends have suggested I leave and at least be happy, but I just wouldn't be able to carry the guilt. I know she needs me. She knows she needs me, but won't say it. I've done all I can to treat her the way I would expect to be treated and it's unnoticed. I struggle with my anger and sadness daily. Often times I wonder if she would endure this treatment for me. She's not just resistant to change and support she down right refuses and is often times verbally abusive while refusing help. 

I'm struggling too Randall and I hate it for all of us.

phuckcancer

you aren't alone anymore. You

you aren't alone anymore. You  have us!

It's a difficult situation indeed. You feel like you have to be strong and when you feel bad for feeling bad you feel even worse.. vicious cycle. I get it.

sorry you are here

Option B

Just starting the journey.... but his is terminal

I also am so glad for this opportunity to share, since we just found out my husband's cancer diagnosis.  Stage 4 prostate, bone mets all over.  He was slowly getting sick, but this was still out of nowhere as far as we knew.  Two month's ago we were fighting over housework.  Now it's all mine.  It's still too much for me alone, but I'm trying to put in the extra effort for him so things are nicer.   Therapy has the pain undercontrol and will give him some more time.... but he says he feels too good to be dying now that therapy has started working.  But he is, just not as quickly.  Times aren't tough yet for us, as there will be no chemo or radiation.  But there also is not enough time!!!   All I can do is agree with Catholic that a caregiver's happiness matters, too.   So be kind to yourself and try to discuss what both of you need to make some happy memories today.

 

soonermom

It is a hard road

I have found that the only people who really understand are other caregivers.  Over time, I think you can experience every emotion to different degrees.  We all have to find our own path.  I try to be guided by what it is I will feel good about having done 5 years from now and how I hope someone would treat me.  Reality is we can't be perfect all the time and today we are not the one that is sick.  I can really see that we have a journey as a couple.  He has a journey as a patient. I have my own journey as a caregiver.  I grieve for what he has lost and what we have lost.  I am trying really hard to live joyfully in the moment and embrace the life we have now.  One thing cancer does not change....you can only control yourself and how you respond to life.  Being a control freak that was a struggle for me before cancer and it is a struggle now.  Hang in there.  I try to make everyday the best I can.  Some are better than others.