Try to cope with the loss

yeppers said:

Time

Hello, Bill,

I just found this site tonight and your posts here about your walk through this valley of loss are the first I read - and want to share with you too.  Thank you for sharing your experiences in writing here.  Although it is my 14 year old daughter who I lost, not a spouse, you have described much of the same I have thought and felt and I don't feel so alone while reading your posts.  It will be 5 years on Oct. 14th for me and I too am still trying to get used to my "new normal."  She had Peripheral T-cell Lymphoma and died a brutal death almost 6 months after being diagnosed.  She died from the treament not the cancer, which is very difficult for me to live with that fact.

My oldest son is an Iraq war vet who suffers with bouts of post traumatic stress and we share much of the same symptoms.  I beleive the trauma of witnessing a brutal death leaves the same mark, whether it happened in war or by cancer or other.  I have learned that everybody's greif is as individual as the loved one they lost but many "symptoms" are similar.  And that there is no time frame or set order of "stages" in grief.  They will come and go and in any order they want, for as long as they want.  

There is no "moving on" but a new normal  Time does not heal, but will eventually soften the hurt and shorten the waves of raw greif.  I'm still not used to my new life and don't think I ever will be, and really don't want this new life either but have resigned to try hard to accept it and apreciate it as I really have no other choice.  

As far as posessions of the loved one you lost, that too has no time frame or right or wrong way to deal with them.  I still have my daughters clothes and school books and papers she was working on and feel close to her when I see and touch them.  I use her desk for my computer desk now and keep all her things she had in the drawers, even her hair brush with a few strands of her long blond hair that remain in the bristles.  I cherish these things and will never ever let them go.  They aren't for anyone else.  They are for me and should not concern anyone else that I choose to hold on to them and to touch and hold them once in a while.  I too have many pictures of her and talk to her.  I have had several dreams of her and I that I call "real" dreams.  They are not like regular dreams and only those who have had similar understand what I mean.  I love your post about the dream you had of you and your wife.  

Friends do seem to fall away, all mine did.  My freinds were parents of my daughter's friends and her teachers so I think they just didn't know how to handle such a thing, or was a constant reminder that the same could happen to them.  That was very hard on me but now I prefer to be by myself for most of the time I am not at work.  I do have a freind I made from church after my daughter died but we only get together every couple of months.  I stopped going to church because that is where all my "old" friends are and my daughter's friends, and it's just too hard.  And I have made new friends with others at a grief group I recently started going to, which is who I feel most comfortable with now, those who are also greiving.  But nothing like friendships I had before where we would phone and chat and that sort of thing - yet.  I like it this way.  At least for now.  It feels too overstimulating for me (overwhelming?) to do more or have more contact with people than I do right now.  (post traumatic stress symptom)  

My job helps give me an identity and I really need that.  Without my job I think I would be in trouble emotionally.  My job is dealing with children and helping people and I would highly recommend finding something to involve ones self in that is helping others.  Even if just an hour a week or an hour a month.  Meals on Wheels is a great org.  Where I'm at this is organized out of the churches and they will pair you up - a driver and the deliverer, the one who takes the food to the door.  I would choose to be deliverer because I can't spare the extra gas it takes for all the shut-ins to deliver to.  I would like doing things like this now because it is only short bursts of quality time you spend with one person and move on to the next - like I do on my job.  And speaking of identity - my veteran son tells me he thinks the effects or main symptoms of this trauma all boils down to having an "identity crisis" or losing one's identity, and I think he is right.  Who are we now and what are we to do with ourselves, our life.

In the grief group it is all widows and widowers where I am the only one who lost a child, but we share so much of the same grief experiences.  We also get together for dinner once a month, either a park or resruaunt.  And I can tell you that each one of them also feel the same that you have described.  I would not wish it on anyone to go through greiving a child, of course, but wish that I was able to get together with another mom and think that would really help greatly in this walk through the valley ....  to walk side by side with another bearing the same type of loss.

I wish you the very best.  Peace to you.

Your Friend 

i have been off this for a while, maybe thinking I had a grip on this new life but only fooling myself. First of all I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I cannot even imagine your pain. Reading your post really struck me especially when you talked about her hair in her hair brush. I have not touched anything of my wife's since she is gone. A lot of people would  say that's nuts. When I was working I would not take any time off because I did not want to be at home. Some people found that hard to understand. Now that I have decided. to retire this has become a big problem. Now I am more alone then ever and things could not be worse. Especially in the winter when you cannot get out and work outside. We used to love to garden and even when I am doing it alone I can still hear her telling what to do, I miss that so much. I have lived here for eighteen years and we were suppose to live here together and work in garden as we always have done. But as you have said all our married friends are gone. In two months I have not received one phone call, and back in the day this was the place to be. All the parties and pop ins were all here. But now that my wife is gone......nothing. That's fine I can understand somewhat so I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing here for me. I am thinking about moving on and starting the last part of my life somewhere new. Years ago I would think that's not possible, my wife died in this house how could I leave it. I was always afraid that if I left I would be sitting across the street looking at this house. It's been coming up on six years since she has died and I do not know how people just move on and find someone else. I have read your post four times and feeling more pain and sadness each time. I have always told people you just cannot understand the pain unless you have lost some that you loved so much. I am so sorry for you because I do know your pain. I feel it everyday. Take care of yourself, remember the good times, your friend always Bill

Dear Noellesmom,  I agree there is so much to miss about marriage. I was thinking today about what cancer has taken away not only my wife‘s life, but indirectly has killed me also. These last couple of years have been very difficult. The problem is that I am all alone now. My wife was my life. Everyday is a chore, trying to stay motivated and keep busy. This winter was very difficult but maybe with spring here it might get a little better. I recently had some surgery done and I can tell you i felt so alone there. One reason because everyone keep asking me nobody is here with you? I kept saying no my wife had died. I felt so alone in a big hospital. People say time heals all wounds but maybe not for everyone. I sincerely hope that time will help you and just remember you are not alone ever. Your friend Bill