Newbie at this cancer thing and I hate it

To be honest you sound like me when i first started.  In was definetly angry.  Pissed off would be a good word too.  It took me time to process my anger and then i guess it turned into sadness and a bunch of other emotions.  I wouldnt feel guilty for being angry (I know thats hard) its just a part of all this cancer junk.  Mine still pops up once in a while.  Sometimes i feel and especially a first feel that cancer stole my life i had from me.  I know see things a little clearer now that i am done with chemo but it took time.

With hopes that you will find that things get a little easier for you as you keep fighting.

Love, janae

We all get angry once in awhile.  Cancer is not fair.  It is ok to scream, yell, cry, complain and then pick yourself up and go on.  A good cry can sure help to clear the air and get your perspective back.  You can do this nad you will amaze yourself with how strong you can be.  There is a good thread here call " Ladies going through chemo" that might be good to read through.  It has many helpful suggestions and information.  It also never hurts to get a second opinion.  I went the traditional route, chemo and radiation, others did not.  Treatment is a very personal choice.

Hugs and prayers, Lou Ann

Defiant is a perfectly serviceable word, and I try to use it instead of anger.  Somehow, it seems more empowering.  The bad days will come...but the good days soon follow.  

Since you referenced the October 1 post, I need to follow up.  The following day, I was supposed to host an end of summer BBQ for 10 people.  I seriously considered cancelling because of the way I was feeling.  But I decided to go ahead, and I was so glad I did.  It was so wonderful to have my friends around. I sat down, looked at a table loaded with great food and saw all my friends happy to be there, and I was so grateful that I had this wonderful network surrounding me and that I had allowed them to join me.  As you go through this, you will find that sometimes other people will lift you up in the most unexpected ways when you are down.

That anger and anxiety? Accept those emotions as being natural and normal.  Though I don't always manage (like on Oct. 1), I find that when I acknowledge those feelings, they tend to lose their power to control me.  

I will tell you that riding up the escalator at the hospital and seeing the "Oncology/Hematology" sign at the top the first time made me catch my breath.  Somehow, despite the surgery, the chemo was what made it real for me.  You will be anxious, but you will get through it.  And after the first one, it will be better.  You will find your way, we'll help any way we can, and you never have to apologize to us for expressing how you are feeling.  We've all been there.

Chris

Just wanted to say that I sure know those feelings well- as I've read back over the threads here I can see others have felt those same things and that gave me some comfort.  I'm glad you found this now because I didn't til after I was already done with chemo.  I rang the bell of hope Sept. 21, 2016 and you will too

I think researching and figuring out what was going to happen was a huge help for me.  I also had a "go" bag with my own blanket, warm socks, essential oil, lots of water (like a gallon), healthy snacks, something to read and little things friends had given me in a little bag that I took out and looked at as I had treatment.  One of my friends gave me an angel to hang on the chemo pole and she was there for me each treatment. 

I kept walking every day- some days I sat on every bench along the way- other days I turned back early but I got out there.... I saw a naturopath and acupuncturist and we worked out a plan that 48 hrs before and 48 hrs after treatment I fasted with the ketogenic diet and stopped all supplements but as soon as that period was up I was free to resume them.  I never threw up and moved fairly quickly through side effects and I felt somehow empowered not just a helpless victim having that done to me... as everyone says- it's different for everyone and you need to do what makes it acceptable to you.

I think you are going to do great.  You sound like you are a take charge person and you will find your way and we are here to cheer you on or listen to you vent.  ((((HUGS)))) and prayers as you head to the 18th.  Let us know how it goes.... someone told me to sit near that bathroom - it was good advice

Scotgirl said:

Thank you all for your positive replies

I am overwhelmed with the positive replies to my self pitying rant. I am presently mourning the passing of my old self that I new for 63 years and in the process of welcoming the rebirth of my new self with the help of everyone on this discussion board. I see my surgeon today for post op look see and start my first chemo tomorrow. Just when I was starting to get a handle on the chemo schedule and all that goes with that, I get a phone call from radiation Dept to give me my 3 radiation (intravaginal) appointments. Radiation will alternate with chemo called chemoradiation not to be confused with "sandwich" method. I did read that this method can cause more side affects and is harder on the patient so that will be a question at my post op appt today. I have decided to trust the science since they are the professionals, especially at Memorial Sloan Kettering. Going forward I will accept the treatment plan they have designed so I can make peace with what has come my way and get on with my journey to my new self. Thanks again to all who responded it is so appreciated. Best wishes for a good day!

Scotgirl, just think of the chemo as little soldiers working to fight-off the microscopic cancer cells. It's strong medicine but definitely working to help save you. The side effects let you know that it is doing its job. Same thing with the radiation. No doubt that it is tough to wrap your mind around it but you are fighting this cancer for a reason. Always keep that reason front and center in your mind. You will get through this and we will be there every step of the way. Kim