Newbie at this cancer thing and I hate it

Scotgirl
Scotgirl Member Posts: 31
in Uterine/Endometrial Cancer #1

Had my surgery at Memorial Sloan Kettering Sept 15, 2016. All went well, in fact, if it wasn't "clear cell" I might have gone home and never had to be a part of the cancer community, but here I am posting after just reading Editgirl's posting from Oct 1, very bad day. This Tuesday, Oct 18th will be my first chemo and I am getting more and more anxious and funny enough angry too! I also spent most of my adult life exercising with a whole foods approach to my nutrition. I call it mindful eating. I don't over do the supplements but I do take a few. I have gone out of my way to stay off pharmaceuticals even challenging my PC doc when he wanted to put me on BP meds. Long story but took myself to a cardiologist and was diagnosed with "white coat" Hypertension, no meds required. So, here I am with chemo and brachytherapy ahead of me and I am pissed. I feel helpless and out of control and I've got nothing to say about anything regarding the chemicals that will now be pumped into my body and I hate it. So today has been a bad day and I do know that there are more days like this ahead but I also know that I have really good days too. It is a process and I need to transition into a new way, I will get there just not today. Thanks for listening, I promise I will be more positive next time because this is not me today.

Comments

  • MAbound
    MAbound Member Posts: 1,168 Member
    #2
    That's Ok

    Attitude does matter as you go through treatment, but it's also therapeutic to blow off steam periodically and this is the place to do it. Getting mad helps to put you in fighting mode to get going in this battle, anyway. Be sure that your doctor knows about all of the supplements and OTC meds you take before you begin treatment. Some of even the innocuous ones can impact the efficacy of what you are trying to accomplish. 

  • janaes
    janaes Member Posts: 799 Member
    edited October 2016 #3
    To be honest you sound like

    To be honest you sound like me when i first started.  In was definetly angry.  Pissed off would be a good word too.  It took me time to process my anger and then i guess it turned into sadness and a bunch of other emotions.  I wouldnt feel guilty for being angry (I know thats hard) its just a part of all this cancer junk.  Mine still pops up once in a while.  Sometimes i feel and especially a first feel that cancer stole my life i had from me.  I know see things a little clearer now that i am done with chemo but it took time.

    With hopes that you will find that things get a little easier for you as you keep fighting.

    Love, janae

  • txtrisha55
    txtrisha55 Member Posts: 693 Member
    #4
    Getting angry is good to do

    Getting angry is good to do unless you stay there and let it take over then it becomes bad.  For me it was OK I have cancer let's get it out, move forward and get it over. My gyn one told me that I had the most positive attitudes she had ever seen. I take that as a compliment but I did have my bad days.   You will find your pace on dealing with it.  The thing is this cancer does not discriminate against anyone.  We all have a chance of getting it. Race, lifestlye, weight, it does not matter.  One lady that has since passed had the same type grade 3 cancer and same stage 3c1 as me. She was perfect weight, ate healthy, worked out while l am couch potatoe, overweight, eat what I want.  I was devastated when she passed. I miss her on these boards. I am still here and sometimes feel guilty. I am now 5 years NED and no recurrence.  This is the place to come and vent, cry, talk to other women that understand what you are going through. They can help. Praying for a good outcome for you. You can always ask for a second and third opinion.  There are some ladies that have not gone through chemo and radiation but went with a more natural approach. They can give advice and information on that area. This board is full of information, it is sometimes difficult to look for the info but ask new questions and we will help direct you to the link. Trish

  • Lou Ann M
    Lou Ann M Member Posts: 996 Member
    #5
    We all get angry

    We all get angry once in awhile.  Cancer is not fair.  It is ok to scream, yell, cry, complain and then pick yourself up and go on.  A good cry can sure help to clear the air and get your perspective back.  You can do this nad you will amaze yourself with how strong you can be.  There is a good thread here call " Ladies going through chemo" that might be good to read through.  It has many helpful suggestions and information.  It also never hurts to get a second opinion.  I went the traditional route, chemo and radiation, others did not.  Treatment is a very personal choice.

    Hugs and prayers, Lou Ann

  • txtrisha55
    txtrisha55 Member Posts: 693 Member
    edited October 2016 #6
    Lou Ann is right. Cancer and

    Lou Ann is right. Cancer and the treatment of it, is not one size fits all. Each person and their cancer is different. The treatment they choose is different too. The reaction to that treatment will be different.  Be your own advocate. Trish

  • Editgrl
    Editgrl Member Posts: 903 Member
    edited October 2016 #7
    Defiant

    Defiant is a perfectly serviceable word, and I try to use it instead of anger.  Somehow, it seems more empowering.  The bad days will come...but the good days soon follow.  

    Since you referenced the October 1 post, I need to follow up.  The following day, I was supposed to host an end of summer BBQ for 10 people.  I seriously considered cancelling because of the way I was feeling.  But I decided to go ahead, and I was so glad I did.  It was so wonderful to have my friends around. I sat down, looked at a table loaded with great food and saw all my friends happy to be there, and I was so grateful that I had this wonderful network surrounding me and that I had allowed them to join me.  As you go through this, you will find that sometimes other people will lift you up in the most unexpected ways when you are down.

    That anger and anxiety? Accept those emotions as being natural and normal.  Though I don't always manage (like on Oct. 1), I find that when I acknowledge those feelings, they tend to lose their power to control me.  

    I will tell you that riding up the escalator at the hospital and seeing the "Oncology/Hematology" sign at the top the first time made me catch my breath.  Somehow, despite the surgery, the chemo was what made it real for me.  You will be anxious, but you will get through it.  And after the first one, it will be better.  You will find your way, we'll help any way we can, and you never have to apologize to us for expressing how you are feeling.  We've all been there.

    Chris

  • LindyLu
    LindyLu Member Posts: 72
    edited October 2016 #8
    allow yourself to grieve

    Hi Scotgirl, never feel guilty for feeling what you feel.  This cancer is the pits, so vent away!  I sure know about the pre-chemo anxiety. I had my first chemo about 10 days ago.  I didn't know what to expect and was quite nervous, but it turned out to be a very positive experience.  The administering nurses were very gentle and caring.  I had a nice comfy lounge chair and was treated like a queen.  The nurses brought me warm blankets, snacks, and drinks, anything I wanted.  I even fell asleep during treatment while my husband went to get a bite to eat.  

    Bad days are going to happen.  I have emotional days where I just burst into tears for no apparent reason.  My poor hubby asks me what's wrong, am I hurting, and I try to explain that I'm just having an emotional moment.  I don't think he really understands (who would, except for those who've been through this) but always gives me a hug for support.

    So hang in there.  As others have said, going through this is tough, but find we are stronger than we ever thought possible.   ~LL

  • Nellasing
    Nellasing Member Posts: 528 Member
    edited October 2016 #9
    Feel for you Scotgirl

    Just wanted to say that I sure know those feelings well- as I've read back over the threads here I can see others have felt those same things and that gave me some comfort.  I'm glad you found this now because I didn't til after I was already done with chemo.  I rang the bell of hope Sept. 21, 2016 and you will too Kiss

    I think researching and figuring out what was going to happen was a huge help for me.  I also had a "go" bag with my own blanket, warm socks, essential oil, lots of water (like a gallon), healthy snacks, something to read and little things friends had given me in a little bag that I took out and looked at as I had treatment.  One of my friends gave me an angel to hang on the chemo pole and she was there for me each treatment. 

    I kept walking every day- some days I sat on every bench along the way- other days I turned back early but I got out there.... I saw a naturopath and acupuncturist and we worked out a plan that 48 hrs before and 48 hrs after treatment I fasted with the ketogenic diet and stopped all supplements but as soon as that period was up I was free to resume them.  I never threw up and moved fairly quickly through side effects and I felt somehow empowered not just a helpless victim having that done to me... as everyone says- it's different for everyone and you need to do what makes it acceptable to you.

    I think you are going to do great.  You sound like you are a take charge person and you will find your way and we are here to cheer you on or listen to you vent.  ((((HUGS)))) and prayers as you head to the 18th.  Let us know how it goes.... someone told me to sit near that bathroom - it was good advice Wink

  • beccabtown
    beccabtown Member Posts: 234
    edited October 2016 #10
    It's normal to be very

    It's normal to be very apprehensive, but you will come through it more easily than you realize now. A friend who had ovarian cancer told me she tried to visualize the chemo as healing medicine rather than toxic chemicals going into her body. Since she just passed five years NED, that made a strong impression on me, and I've been trying to adopt the same attitude. Once you learn the rhythm of how your body reacts to each treatment, that makes you feel more in control of what's going on--or at least in control of how you respond. Good luck!

  • Scotgirl
    Scotgirl Member Posts: 31
    #11
    Thank you all for your positive replies

    I am overwhelmed with the positive replies to my self pitying rant. I am presently mourning the passing of my old self that I new for 63 years and in the process of welcoming the rebirth of my new self with the help of everyone on this discussion board. I see my surgeon today for post op look see and start my first chemo tomorrow. Just when I was starting to get a handle on the chemo schedule and all that goes with that, I get a phone call from radiation Dept to give me my 3 radiation (intravaginal) appointments. Radiation will alternate with chemo called chemoradiation not to be confused with "sandwich" method. I did read that this method can cause more side affects and is harder on the patient so that will be a question at my post op appt today. I have decided to trust the science since they are the professionals, especially at Memorial Sloan Kettering. Going forward I will accept the treatment plan they have designed so I can make peace with what has come my way and get on with my journey to my new self. Thanks again to all who responded it is so appreciated. Best wishes for a good day!

  • TeddyandBears_Mom
    TeddyandBears_Mom Member Posts: 1,811 Member
    #12
    Scotgirl said:

    Thank you all for your positive replies

    I am overwhelmed with the positive replies to my self pitying rant. I am presently mourning the passing of my old self that I new for 63 years and in the process of welcoming the rebirth of my new self with the help of everyone on this discussion board. I see my surgeon today for post op look see and start my first chemo tomorrow. Just when I was starting to get a handle on the chemo schedule and all that goes with that, I get a phone call from radiation Dept to give me my 3 radiation (intravaginal) appointments. Radiation will alternate with chemo called chemoradiation not to be confused with "sandwich" method. I did read that this method can cause more side affects and is harder on the patient so that will be a question at my post op appt today. I have decided to trust the science since they are the professionals, especially at Memorial Sloan Kettering. Going forward I will accept the treatment plan they have designed so I can make peace with what has come my way and get on with my journey to my new self. Thanks again to all who responded it is so appreciated. Best wishes for a good day!

    Scotgirl, You are on your way

    Scotgirl, You are on your way to dancing with NED. I'm glad you have been able to prepare yourself for the journey ahead. You will find that you are an amazingly strong woman.  I started out with weekly chemo treatments - my first 6 were weekly then I switched to the every 3 week schedule. For me, the weekly did have less intense impacts on side effects. I hope that is the same for you. For me, the internal radiation was very easy. I had a little bit of fatigue and that was it. I'm so glad you are comfortable with your doctors and will follow their advise. That is so critical in getting to the end of treatments.

    Please reach out for any and all questions. There are some very smart women on this board that are willing to share their experiences with you. Good luck on your first treatment!

    Love and Hugs,

    Cindi

  • Kvdyson
    Kvdyson Member Posts: 789
    edited October 2016 #13
    Scotgirl said:

    Thank you all for your positive replies

    I am overwhelmed with the positive replies to my self pitying rant. I am presently mourning the passing of my old self that I new for 63 years and in the process of welcoming the rebirth of my new self with the help of everyone on this discussion board. I see my surgeon today for post op look see and start my first chemo tomorrow. Just when I was starting to get a handle on the chemo schedule and all that goes with that, I get a phone call from radiation Dept to give me my 3 radiation (intravaginal) appointments. Radiation will alternate with chemo called chemoradiation not to be confused with "sandwich" method. I did read that this method can cause more side affects and is harder on the patient so that will be a question at my post op appt today. I have decided to trust the science since they are the professionals, especially at Memorial Sloan Kettering. Going forward I will accept the treatment plan they have designed so I can make peace with what has come my way and get on with my journey to my new self. Thanks again to all who responded it is so appreciated. Best wishes for a good day!

    Scotgirl, just think of the

    Scotgirl, just think of the chemo as little soldiers working to fight-off the microscopic cancer cells. It's strong medicine but definitely working to help save you. The side effects let you know that it is doing its job. Same thing with the radiation. No doubt that it is tough to wrap your mind around it but you are fighting this cancer for a reason. Always keep that reason front and center in your mind. You will get through this and we will be there every step of the way. Kim 

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