frustrated ... sometimes i miss myself

I HATE this desease! Ive been going thru alot of the same emotions as you the last week myself and its so frustrating. I dont go anywhere because my dentures dont fit. My hair is a mess where I lost a bunch in the back. My stylist tried her best to get some semblence of a style, but for now it just looks horrible. This desease took away my feminity and I think I resent that the most. THE GOOD NEWS IS; we ARE going to beat this. I had to get into a new mindset and I resolve today that I am getting off my deathbed and live. We have come this far and by the grace of God we will continue. I will keep you in my prayers my friend.

phrannie51 said:

Not irrelevant at all....

and I say that loudly and with empathy!!!  Cancer changes us....sometimes physically, and always mentally/emotionally.  I miss the carefree part of myself that is long gone....everyday I do a mental checklist of myself, looking for cracks that the cancer can sneak back through....sometimes bordering on hypocondria....I HATE THAT!!!  I ask myself why can't I just go from scan to scan and not spend any time worrying inbetween?  But it is what it is, and I know there is a secret to letting go completely and letting God take the worry from me....this being said my a not overtly religious person....so I'm hoping practice will make perfect.

As for finding a job....are you looking for one you love, or will anything do?  I know throwing out applications to every opening out there is one way to get one.  You might fall into something you really love, but never would have thought of it as something you wanted to do.  One foot in front of the other.....you do the footwork, and let the powers that be determine the outcome.  Don't hold back thinking "well, I don't think I'd like that".  Jobs are transitory....we never have to stay if we don't want to. 

Sharon, I don't know how long it's been since you finished treatment....I can tell you that within a year, that back strip on me was filling in quite nicely.  It has never all come back, but it's allowed me to wear my hair very short, and it's for the most part invisible to everyone but myself and my hair dresser.  As for your teeth (and this is one that I truly empathize on).....I got new teeth after treatment.....my others were falling out of my mouth, and I am one who (like you), ain't going anywhere toothless!!!  Ask around and see if you know anybody who had really good luck with their dentures....I mean a dentist who knew their stuff.....you might only need a reline to fit the new you.  This could be money really well spent!!!  A smile worth all the gold in China!!  Please do this and see if someone can get your teeth back in your mouth!

All that being said.....post treatment carries depression.....managable depression.....If you're not seeing your Oncologists anymore, then talk to your Primary Care Physician.  Using anti-depressents for a while after treatment is very common....sometimes we just need that extra little boost to get us out of the funk, and back into wanting to do what is in front of us.....

Hugs to both of you.....YOU CAN DO THIS!!!  You've done MUCH harder things....one foot in front of the other....one day at a time.

p   

You know just when you think you have had enough along comes someone like you to help build us up again. I have benn out of treatment 2 months and everything was going great. Got my peg out after 1 month and was zipping around feelingas good as I could at that point. AND THEN__ last week I started getting numbness from my arms down to my fingers and my legs from ankle to toes including the bottom of my feet. God it was awful-couldnt even think because it bothered me so. Called my oncologist and he prescribed liquid oxy and some zanex and within the first hour it went away. Will see him Wed to further go into whats up with that. I sure dont want to go thru anymore scans etc,but will do what I have to. I called my dentist and he wants to wait 6 mos because of possible swelling so until that time, I will continue to be a hermit. I have an attorney apt for Thurs so guess I will meet this guy without saying too much. Yes, I know it will get better and I am determined,but some days are really hard. I so related to Goyca. I hate it that my vanity has been stolen. It might not be as important to some people but I an the kind of person that never went anywhere without looking my best. Call me superficial but that how I am. I see little hairs coming out but I think it will be a few more months before more cutting is a reality. The most important thing now is that we are alive and coming along slow but sure. Thank you for your hugs-back at ya. 

Goyca, first your feelings are always IMPORTANT, NEVER irrealivent!!  that is why we come here, people understand.  like P said, depression is part of cancer.  and yes, we have all been changed.  i have a very hard time coming to accept the new me, about 2 yrs maybe a little more.  i was very depressed and did not want to see or talk to anyone.  yes, we're all thankful we made it through tx but that does not mean we have to like what we are left with.  and it is ok to say you don't. the next thing to do is find a way to like the new you and start living again.  this is strange, but here is what helped me:  i went to see American Sniper.  I cried all through the movie but when I saw how those young people were coming back from war, it put my own situation in a whole different perspective.  they are so young, at least i'm 58 and have lived my life.  their life is still ahead of them.  so i told myself, if they can face life with arms, legs, eyes, whatever missing, than i can face it w/o my real voice and natural way of breatheing.  i know you are also young, and I'm sorry.  but like those coming back from war, you have a lot to live for.  don't be too hard on yourself, you will come around it will just take time.  and never feel guilty because you have bad days, that's normal, we all have them.  we are like everyone else and therefore, like them, we are ALLOWED to have bad days too.  it does not make us ungrateful.  you've come so far already.  give yourself a little more time and try againg putting one foot in front of the other and do something you haven't done since cancer.  i am praying for your mood to get better and for you to enjoy life, friends, family, love, laughter and all the good things again.

Sharon, I'm glad you are back on track.  the goal we must all remember is to not let cancer take any more from us.  we have survived and must live like it.

I wish you both the very best life has to offer.  Please, get out there and start enjoying life.

God bless you both,

dj

hang in there Goyca.....I think we all miss the "old" us. I know I do BUT I also know that I will never be that person again. So for me part of my job healing is embracing the new me. 

Talk to you Dr. To see if you need any help to get out of your funk. 

I know it is hard but try to not let this cancer become the definition of who you are....you are so much more....we all are. Again for me this illnes took 10 months of my life and I will be damned if I will let it take any more from me. 

This old goat hopes that things turn around for you very soon

Bill

sharon 1 said:

Thank you for being there phrannies

You know just when you think you have had enough along comes someone like you to help build us up again. I have benn out of treatment 2 months and everything was going great. Got my peg out after 1 month and was zipping around feelingas good as I could at that point. AND THEN__ last week I started getting numbness from my arms down to my fingers and my legs from ankle to toes including the bottom of my feet. God it was awful-couldnt even think because it bothered me so. Called my oncologist and he prescribed liquid oxy and some zanex and within the first hour it went away. Will see him Wed to further go into whats up with that. I sure dont want to go thru anymore scans etc,but will do what I have to. I called my dentist and he wants to wait 6 mos because of possible swelling so until that time, I will continue to be a hermit. I have an attorney apt for Thurs so guess I will meet this guy without saying too much. Yes, I know it will get better and I am determined,but some days are really hard. I so related to Goyca. I hate it that my vanity has been stolen. It might not be as important to some people but I an the kind of person that never went anywhere without looking my best. Call me superficial but that how I am. I see little hairs coming out but I think it will be a few more months before more cutting is a reality. The most important thing now is that we are alive and coming along slow but sure. Thank you for your hugs-back at ya. 

I'm sorry your dealing with these side effects. 

I had 5FU. It thins your hair. I had super thick, long hair before I started. My hair thinned like crazy. When I finished chemo, it kept falling out until they figured out that my thyroid was wacked. Once my thyroid was regulated, it stopped falling out but by that time, I lost about 80% of my hair. I don't care if people think it's vain but it does affect out self-image at a time when we are most vulnerable. 

Hang in there.

Goyca, you really put into words what many of us have felt. People talk about a "new normal", but it is usually not a new and improved version. Friends seem to think we need cheerleaders. You beat cancer. Rah, rah, rah! It's hard to think of it as beaten when we worry it can come back. Like you, because of this disease I had to leave my teaching job of 20 years. Every day was go, go, go, and very structured. I miss the brain stimulation and the kids. Until God shows me what to do next, I am volunteering. It is a way to be active, to think of something other than cancer, and it can sometimes lead to a job. Others have suggested you tell your doctor about how you are feeling. Mild depression can set in after major life changes, and you've had several. It takes the joy out of life. Medication or a support group and getting out of the house by volunteering could be just what you need. You are in my prayers. Please stay in touch and let us all know how you're doing.

I am in the same boat currently, what sucks is the guilt I feel for being upset about feeling lost as well. 

I know what you mean by you felt like everything was going right for you before your cancer forced you to change.

If you need to talk you can message me, maybe we can help eachother out of this slump:)

Hope you are feeling better,

Kylee