frustrated ... sometimes i miss myself

Goyca

Hello all, its been a while since i last posted.

This week is one year from my first surgery before i knew i had cancer. 

And now i am 7 months post radio treatment. 

I always thought everything will be okay once i finish treatment ... well it is ofcourse u get rid of the cancer. But sometimes after treatmemt u get bit lost! 

U change, wether a little change or too much change, u do change. 

I feel bad saying this bcz i know i am blessed and thank God for everything and there are ppl still fighting and in pain and i pray for them. But i do feel frustrated bcz i changed by force not will ! 

I hate the fact that i lost my job and i cant find any, and i dont know whats next, i feel lost. 

Before all of this i had a job that i loved , lots of plans for the future, i was like fire! Always laughing, planning, out doing activities,  ... now i feel im back to Zero! And every day passes by with me thinking whats next ...but not really doing anything. 

Im sorry if my msg is long or irrelavent. But its sad to see that everyone around me are busy making their life count and im just sitting home watching.

Maybe im overreacting... but its what am at right now.  And whats worse is i dont enjoy good things like before. 

Sorry if my msg is irrelevant but again its me venting. 

 

Wish u all a painless day/night. 

Goyca. 

 

sharon 1

So sorry you are feeling like this

I HATE this desease! Ive been going thru alot of the same emotions as you the last week myself and its so frustrating. I dont go anywhere because my dentures dont fit. My hair is a mess where I lost a bunch in the back. My stylist tried her best to get some semblence of a style, but for now it just looks horrible. This desease took away my feminity and I think I resent that the most. THE GOOD NEWS IS; we ARE going to beat this. I had to get into a new mindset and I resolve today that I am getting off my deathbed and live. We have come this far and by the grace of God we will continue. I will keep you in my prayers my friend.

phrannie51

Not irrelevant at all....

and I say that loudly and with empathy!!!  Cancer changes us....sometimes physically, and always mentally/emotionally.  I miss the carefree part of myself that is long gone....everyday I do a mental checklist of myself, looking for cracks that the cancer can sneak back through....sometimes bordering on hypocondria....I HATE THAT!!!  I ask myself why can't I just go from scan to scan and not spend any time worrying inbetween?  But it is what it is, and I know there is a secret to letting go completely and letting God take the worry from me....this being said my a not overtly religious person....so I'm hoping practice will make perfect.

As for finding a job....are you looking for one you love, or will anything do?  I know throwing out applications to every opening out there is one way to get one.  You might fall into something you really love, but never would have thought of it as something you wanted to do.  One foot in front of the other.....you do the footwork, and let the powers that be determine the outcome.  Don't hold back thinking "well, I don't think I'd like that".  Jobs are transitory....we never have to stay if we don't want to. 

Sharon, I don't know how long it's been since you finished treatment....I can tell you that within a year, that back strip on me was filling in quite nicely.  It has never all come back, but it's allowed me to wear my hair very short, and it's for the most part invisible to everyone but myself and my hair dresser.  As for your teeth (and this is one that I truly empathize on).....I got new teeth after treatment.....my others were falling out of my mouth, and I am one who (like you), ain't going anywhere toothless!!!  Ask around and see if you know anybody who had really good luck with their dentures....I mean a dentist who knew their stuff.....you might only need a reline to fit the new you.  This could be money really well spent!!!  A smile worth all the gold in China!!  Please do this and see if someone can get your teeth back in your mouth!

All that being said.....post treatment carries depression.....managable depression.....If you're not seeing your Oncologists anymore, then talk to your Primary Care Physician.  Using anti-depressents for a while after treatment is very common....sometimes we just need that extra little boost to get us out of the funk, and back into wanting to do what is in front of us.....

Hugs to both of you.....YOU CAN DO THIS!!!  You've done MUCH harder things....one foot in front of the other....one day at a time.

p   

sharon 1

phrannie51 said:

Not irrelevant at all....

and I say that loudly and with empathy!!!  Cancer changes us....sometimes physically, and always mentally/emotionally.  I miss the carefree part of myself that is long gone....everyday I do a mental checklist of myself, looking for cracks that the cancer can sneak back through....sometimes bordering on hypocondria....I HATE THAT!!!  I ask myself why can't I just go from scan to scan and not spend any time worrying inbetween?  But it is what it is, and I know there is a secret to letting go completely and letting God take the worry from me....this being said my a not overtly religious person....so I'm hoping practice will make perfect.

As for finding a job....are you looking for one you love, or will anything do?  I know throwing out applications to every opening out there is one way to get one.  You might fall into something you really love, but never would have thought of it as something you wanted to do.  One foot in front of the other.....you do the footwork, and let the powers that be determine the outcome.  Don't hold back thinking "well, I don't think I'd like that".  Jobs are transitory....we never have to stay if we don't want to. 

Sharon, I don't know how long it's been since you finished treatment....I can tell you that within a year, that back strip on me was filling in quite nicely.  It has never all come back, but it's allowed me to wear my hair very short, and it's for the most part invisible to everyone but myself and my hair dresser.  As for your teeth (and this is one that I truly empathize on).....I got new teeth after treatment.....my others were falling out of my mouth, and I am one who (like you), ain't going anywhere toothless!!!  Ask around and see if you know anybody who had really good luck with their dentures....I mean a dentist who knew their stuff.....you might only need a reline to fit the new you.  This could be money really well spent!!!  A smile worth all the gold in China!!  Please do this and see if someone can get your teeth back in your mouth!

All that being said.....post treatment carries depression.....managable depression.....If you're not seeing your Oncologists anymore, then talk to your Primary Care Physician.  Using anti-depressents for a while after treatment is very common....sometimes we just need that extra little boost to get us out of the funk, and back into wanting to do what is in front of us.....

Hugs to both of you.....YOU CAN DO THIS!!!  You've done MUCH harder things....one foot in front of the other....one day at a time.

p   

Thank you for being there phrannies

You know just when you think you have had enough along comes someone like you to help build us up again. I have benn out of treatment 2 months and everything was going great. Got my peg out after 1 month and was zipping around feelingas good as I could at that point. AND THEN__ last week I started getting numbness from my arms down to my fingers and my legs from ankle to toes including the bottom of my feet. God it was awful-couldnt even think because it bothered me so. Called my oncologist and he prescribed liquid oxy and some zanex and within the first hour it went away. Will see him Wed to further go into whats up with that. I sure dont want to go thru anymore scans etc,but will do what I have to. I called my dentist and he wants to wait 6 mos because of possible swelling so until that time, I will continue to be a hermit. I have an attorney apt for Thurs so guess I will meet this guy without saying too much. Yes, I know it will get better and I am determined,but some days are really hard. I so related to Goyca. I hate it that my vanity has been stolen. It might not be as important to some people but I an the kind of person that never went anywhere without looking my best. Call me superficial but that how I am. I see little hairs coming out but I think it will be a few more months before more cutting is a reality. The most important thing now is that we are alive and coming along slow but sure. Thank you for your hugs-back at ya. 

phrannie51

sharon 1 said:

Thank you for being there phrannies

You know just when you think you have had enough along comes someone like you to help build us up again. I have benn out of treatment 2 months and everything was going great. Got my peg out after 1 month and was zipping around feelingas good as I could at that point. AND THEN__ last week I started getting numbness from my arms down to my fingers and my legs from ankle to toes including the bottom of my feet. God it was awful-couldnt even think because it bothered me so. Called my oncologist and he prescribed liquid oxy and some zanex and within the first hour it went away. Will see him Wed to further go into whats up with that. I sure dont want to go thru anymore scans etc,but will do what I have to. I called my dentist and he wants to wait 6 mos because of possible swelling so until that time, I will continue to be a hermit. I have an attorney apt for Thurs so guess I will meet this guy without saying too much. Yes, I know it will get better and I am determined,but some days are really hard. I so related to Goyca. I hate it that my vanity has been stolen. It might not be as important to some people but I an the kind of person that never went anywhere without looking my best. Call me superficial but that how I am. I see little hairs coming out but I think it will be a few more months before more cutting is a reality. The most important thing now is that we are alive and coming along slow but sure. Thank you for your hugs-back at ya. 

When I was going through treatment

the three months after rads were over, they were giving me 3 additional chemo's.....Cisplatin, and the dreaded fanny pack of 5FU.  My mouth was total hamberger....my lips bled when I talked, the insides of my cheeks and my tongue were shredded....I couldn't wear my teeth at all.  The doorbell would ring, and I'd run....I wouldn't allow anybody come visit me....and I hung my head in shame when I had to go out even to the Drs.  The I got yanked out of my comfort zone when our well pump died and I had to get someone here to replace it....I had to do all that organizing (4 neighbors share our pump), talk and get bids from the pump folks...there were constant knocks on the door with questions and people wanting to flip breakers on and off....it went on for four days.  Actually, the day I walked out to pay the pump people, I turned to my husband and said...."if somebody was trying to hand me a check for $4000, and they couldn't even buy some teeth....I'd be highly suspicious that this check might bounce"....LOL. 

I got my new dentures when I was three months out....maybe talk to the dentist about shortening up that 6 month period.  Also, Fixodent can get you through times when you'd like to wear them, and don't want them clacking like a hens beak (like going to the lawyer).  Can you do Fixodent Creme?  

Your hair is going to come back in....and that is a fact.  I remember the day my hair dresser told me that there was a ton of baby hairs coming.....I was delighted.....I don't even think of that part anymore.

The numbness in your limbs....is it like tingly, like as if they were falling asleep?  Cisplatin can cause periphical neuropathy....I have it from my elbows down to my hands (my hands are almost totally numb)....and from the middle of my calf down to my feet.  I've gotten pretty much used to it.....it can be unhandy when I'm washing dishes and can't use my fingers to tell if something is still dirty, but generally a liveable side effect.  Also there is something called  Lhermitte’s sign.....that we all seem to get right after treatment.  When you bend your neck down, electricty runs to your arms/hands/legs and feet.  It goes away as quickly as it appears.

p 

debbiejeanne

Goyca, first your feelings

Goyca, first your feelings are always IMPORTANT, NEVER irrealivent!!  that is why we come here, people understand.  like P said, depression is part of cancer.  and yes, we have all been changed.  i have a very hard time coming to accept the new me, about 2 yrs maybe a little more.  i was very depressed and did not want to see or talk to anyone.  yes, we're all thankful we made it through tx but that does not mean we have to like what we are left with.  and it is ok to say you don't. the next thing to do is find a way to like the new you and start living again.  this is strange, but here is what helped me:  i went to see American Sniper.  I cried all through the movie but when I saw how those young people were coming back from war, it put my own situation in a whole different perspective.  they are so young, at least i'm 58 and have lived my life.  their life is still ahead of them.  so i told myself, if they can face life with arms, legs, eyes, whatever missing, than i can face it w/o my real voice and natural way of breatheing.  i know you are also young, and I'm sorry.  but like those coming back from war, you have a lot to live for.  don't be too hard on yourself, you will come around it will just take time.  and never feel guilty because you have bad days, that's normal, we all have them.  we are like everyone else and therefore, like them, we are ALLOWED to have bad days too.  it does not make us ungrateful.  you've come so far already.  give yourself a little more time and try againg putting one foot in front of the other and do something you haven't done since cancer.  i am praying for your mood to get better and for you to enjoy life, friends, family, love, laughter and all the good things again.

Sharon, I'm glad you are back on track.  the goal we must all remember is to not let cancer take any more from us.  we have survived and must live like it.

I wish you both the very best life has to offer.  Please, get out there and start enjoying life.

God bless you both,

dj

wmc

Venting is good for you.

Venting is good and it is healthy as well. You are getting out how you feel and what you are going through. Please never feel it is irrelavent, it does matter, you do matter too. Yes this illness changes you more then most people ever think it can. Sometimes it is so hard to except the new you, you will never be the same as what you were because of what you have gone through. That does not mean you can't be even better because of it. You see everyone a little differant than before. You are most likely more tollerant of others, just not yourself. Just take one day at a time and on the bad days  go hour by hour if needed. Do not give up as you will find a job and might grow to love it even more. Get that attitude back you can take and beat anything that the world throws at you, because you can. I don't talk the same and I had to retire early and I didn't pick the date the Doctor did. But that is going to be ok, there is still people I can help that are Laryngectomee's as I am, and I feel good just knowing I helped someone get a Pulmonary test that was told they can not test a Laryngectomee, and proved they can. This is not what I ever thought I would be doing, but It is what is right for me. You will find what works for you as well. Remember you fought the beast and have some battle scars to prove it, but you won so be proud of what you did and the rest will fall into place.

Bill

Super-b

Missing Me Too

hang in there Goyca.....I think we all miss the "old" us. I know I do BUT I also know that I will never be that person again. So for me part of my job healing is embracing the new me. 

Talk to you Dr. To see if you need any help to get out of your funk. 

I know it is hard but try to not let this cancer become the definition of who you are....you are so much more....we all are. Again for me this illnes took 10 months of my life and I will be damned if I will let it take any more from me. 

This old goat hopes that things turn around for you very soon

Bill

Bunnymom

Don't Dispair

it's probably safe to say, that many of us understand what you are going through. Cancer changes you there is no way around it. 

Recovery is hard. Period. I thought the same thing...just get through the treatment and all would be better. Little did I know that was just the beginning. I'm also 7 months post treatment and am still dealing with issues that I never thought I'd have at this point. It's a process. Be kind to yourself. 

I'VE hard to look for a job during this time too. It's not fun. First you feel bad, you feel like you look bad, your tired but you have to go on. Hopefully you have support.

it will take a while, but you will find yourself again. In the meantime, what you feel or what you have to say is not irrelevant. Never! We are all here for you and understand.

Bunnymom

sharon 1 said:

Thank you for being there phrannies

You know just when you think you have had enough along comes someone like you to help build us up again. I have benn out of treatment 2 months and everything was going great. Got my peg out after 1 month and was zipping around feelingas good as I could at that point. AND THEN__ last week I started getting numbness from my arms down to my fingers and my legs from ankle to toes including the bottom of my feet. God it was awful-couldnt even think because it bothered me so. Called my oncologist and he prescribed liquid oxy and some zanex and within the first hour it went away. Will see him Wed to further go into whats up with that. I sure dont want to go thru anymore scans etc,but will do what I have to. I called my dentist and he wants to wait 6 mos because of possible swelling so until that time, I will continue to be a hermit. I have an attorney apt for Thurs so guess I will meet this guy without saying too much. Yes, I know it will get better and I am determined,but some days are really hard. I so related to Goyca. I hate it that my vanity has been stolen. It might not be as important to some people but I an the kind of person that never went anywhere without looking my best. Call me superficial but that how I am. I see little hairs coming out but I think it will be a few more months before more cutting is a reality. The most important thing now is that we are alive and coming along slow but sure. Thank you for your hugs-back at ya. 

Sharon

I'm sorry your dealing with these side effects. 

I had 5FU. It thins your hair. I had super thick, long hair before I started. My hair thinned like crazy. When I finished chemo, it kept falling out until they figured out that my thyroid was wacked. Once my thyroid was regulated, it stopped falling out but by that time, I lost about 80% of my hair. I don't care if people think it's vain but it does affect out self-image at a time when we are most vulnerable. 

Hang in there.

HobbsDoggy

Not Irrelevant At All

Wow what a bummer about the job.  I am sure that something will pop up soon, jobs have a way of doing that.  You have every right to rant and are a lot more rational than I was or than I would be going through what you are right now.  I suggest finding a cancer support group in your area if possible.  They helped me for a year or more work though my feelings and frustration.

MrsBD

Missing Yourself

Goyca, you really put into words what many of us have felt. People talk about a "new normal", but it is usually not a new and improved version. Friends seem to think we need cheerleaders. You beat cancer. Rah, rah, rah! It's hard to think of it as beaten when we worry it can come back. Like you, because of this disease I had to leave my teaching job of 20 years. Every day was go, go, go, and very structured. I miss the brain stimulation and the kids. Until God shows me what to do next, I am volunteering. It is a way to be active, to think of something other than cancer, and it can sometimes lead to a job. Others have suggested you tell your doctor about how you are feeling. Mild depression can set in after major life changes, and you've had several. It takes the joy out of life. Medication or a support group and getting out of the house by volunteering could be just what you need. You are in my prayers. Please stay in touch and let us all know how you're doing.

Goyca

Thank u all for sharing ur

Thank u all for sharing ur thoughts on this .. And thank u for the ideas.

its true getting one step at a time is the best way , but it was good to vent here since ppl around me don't really understand what u r feeling.

 

keep me in ur prayers I'LL take by ur advice and gona try to widen my job search even volunteering maybe.. I think the key is to get busy and forget about cancer and its worries.

 

sending u all love,

 

Goyca

Goyca

sharon 1 said:

So sorry you are feeling like this

I HATE this desease! Ive been going thru alot of the same emotions as you the last week myself and its so frustrating. I dont go anywhere because my dentures dont fit. My hair is a mess where I lost a bunch in the back. My stylist tried her best to get some semblence of a style, but for now it just looks horrible. This desease took away my feminity and I think I resent that the most. THE GOOD NEWS IS; we ARE going to beat this. I had to get into a new mindset and I resolve today that I am getting off my deathbed and live. We have come this far and by the grace of God we will continue. I will keep you in my prayers my friend.

Sharon stay strong my friend.

Sharon stay strong my friend. U r in my prayers too.

hugs&kisses.

CivilMatt

who am I?

Goyca,

7 months post is when I pulled the plug on the blender and started eating regular food again.

I feel your pain; those post treatment side effects can really mess with one’s mental and physical wellbeing.  I do not think cancer left any part of me unscathed.  Let me see, tongue no, neck no, eyes no, hands no , feet no, swallowing no, back no, butt no, no, no, no, no…………

BUT and it’s a big BUT, life is worth trying to figure out all over again.  This is it, make of it what you can and seek out help if it is needed. 

I was very fortunate to find a boss who helps me work around my deficiency’s in talking and writing, many employers would tell me to take a hike.

Wish you the best,

Matt

kmcrae77

Hey Goyca

I am in the same boat currently, what sucks is the guilt I feel for being upset about feeling lost as well. 

I know what you mean by you felt like everything was going right for you before your cancer forced you to change.

If you need to talk you can message me, maybe we can help eachother out of this slump:)

 

Hope you are feeling better,

Kylee

JC F

kmcrae77 said:

Hey Goyca

I am in the same boat currently, what sucks is the guilt I feel for being upset about feeling lost as well. 

I know what you mean by you felt like everything was going right for you before your cancer forced you to change.

If you need to talk you can message me, maybe we can help eachother out of this slump:)

 

Hope you are feeling better,

Kylee

I can relate...

I'm approaching eight months post TX and it is still sucking big time. The taste and saliva both are still lousy. Hearing not nearly as good thanks to the cisplatin. Neuropathy in right hand fingertips. Frustrating most of the time and depressing at other times. The taste and saliva issues really compromise quality of life. Hard to relate to people that have not gone through this as they assume everything is just fine when they don't see obvious outward physical signs of what has happened. Doing the best I can but some days are very difficult. I'm well aware it takes time, but it has still gotten old and tiring...will keep on keeping on...