From a guy who is anything but a crybaby

I think it's very normal.  You've just been faced with mortality and you begin to thing about the what ifs and the shoulda, woulda, coulda's. 

there is no right or wrong, normal or abnormal. Everyone has their own experience, and their own, particular response to it. Crying, not crying, fear, no fear; there is no "normal," but the last thing anyone should feel is the need to justify whatever it is that they feel.

Just feel it. Experience it. Don't focus on the right or wrong of it because there is no right or wrong, normal or abnormal of it.  One feels what they feel. That's all.

judyv3 said:

Feeling all the feels

Feeling all the feels, something my daughter often says when she is upset or happy.  For me, I felt emotionally ok during diagnosis and treatment.  Then treatment ended and I expected to feel better but didn't, combined with not being followed as closely (which is nice in some ways, but I can let my mind run crazy), and I went through a period a couple of months ago where I just felt angry.  This has changed my whole life and no one understands (except for the people here).  My family is great but we're right back to:  Judy will do it (she will, she does because she doesn't want anyone to feel bad).  Except sometimes I feel bad physically and mentally.  I see a psychiatrist for anxiety disorder and I saw him in November and he set me up for counseling sessions.  I've been seeing him for at least 10 years.  Today I saw him and he said that he had never seen me so emotionally frazzled.  I'm doing better, but it's a process.  

People think that because you've have recovered from cancer treatment you should just be so grateful to be alive.  I was sick the other night woke up out of a sound sleep ran to the bathroom and just made it.  I'm grateful I didn't have an accident, but really?  What is life going to be down the line?  It pisses me off.  Just being real here.  And my cancer was Stage 1.  

BUT, I don't always feel that way.  Some days I remember to count my true blessings and do the things that I love and it's good.  So grieve away, but try to remember what brought you happiness.  You can find that again.  

Judy

I'd like to add that feelings span an entire spectrum, and include the entire range of human emotion, and that while most people don't seek help when they're feeling ok, and that means that not many people come to this forum who don't experience the most common emotions, and while most do experience a wide range of emotions, from fear, to anger, to sadness, to helplessness and dozens more that I don't need to name, there are some people who experience none of those things and that's equally valid, and equally unecessary to justify. There's the bell curve and then there are those who fall outside the bell curve. There are those who don't feel fear, who don't feel sadness, who dont feel the most common feelings in a given situation.  I repeat what I said earlier; there is no right or wrong, no good or bad, no normal or abnormal with regard to feelings, whether they're feelings related to cancer, feelings related to pizza or feelings related to anything else. Feelings are simply feelings; we all have them but we don't all experience the same feelings when faced with the same situation. Does anyone feel qualified to lable some feelings "right" and some feelings "wrong" or some feelings "normal" and others "abnormal"? Who gets to decide that? The answer, of course, is no one. People just feel what they feel.

there will also be those well-intentioned friends who will tell you to "stay positive" and talk about the connection between body, mind and spirit.  All well and good, I completely buy that, I do...but soemtimes you just have to wail against the hand we've been dealt.  June

music guy....  You are going through WAR!  Your emotions are ragged, your body HURTS, and even if you were married, this is impossible for someone to understand.  There is no real normal....   People look askance when I say I am 3 years past treatment and still have problems....  After all, I am CURED aren't I? maybe.....    Will I ever truly FEEL cured?  I don't know.  Running for the bathroom...sometimes not making it...sometimes getting no warning that I SHOULD be running for the bathroom, IDK. Grumbling, cramping, stomach.....  Nausea....  Sweating from pain...  Yep that's me.

Now here's the other me:  I get up and watch the sun rise over the mountains with my other half.  Nice cup of coffee and a couple of silly dogs.....  Heaven.  Lunch with my friends...  talking to neighbors....  WHITE WATER RAFTING!  DISNEY WORLD!  Junking through the southern states....  Etc.  I make sure to have my emergency bag and supplies and off I go.  If I have an accident I am prepared.

As for never marrying, there are so many people who would love to just cuddle on the porch swing...  Take a walk together, have someone to talk and listen to.  Someone who makes them feel important.  this is what my other half and I now share and it is life making.  YOU could be making someone feel special.

ok, I hope I'm allowed back on, LOL!  Bushels of hugs, MUSIC MAN

RaleighMusicGuy said:

Lorikat

Lorikat,

 

Thank you for your encouraging words.  The idealic picture that you painted with your words, is what I desire. 

 

I wish I could create a cancer survior site where we could connect, personally, meet and see where it goes.

 

Amost sixty years old, next birthday, so, I should be glad to be alive and still in the healing mode.  My first scan is in one month. 

I have always been an optimistic guy, but this is putting all of that to a major test.  I have lost all desire to do the things I once did.  I haven't touched my piano in about 3 months.  This is a new thing for me.  I'm wondering if I will ever yearn to play again.

 

I have a lot of people who are praying, sending positive vibes/thoughts my way.  I am grateful for them and for their love and concern for me.

 

Thank you, again.

Michael

I'm just wondering if you have considered checking out a local in-person cancer support group. Ideally would be a group for anal cancer survivors but they are very hard to come by, yet many groups are open to cancer in general. You can find these through the American Cancer Society or your doctors office.

I have an ostomy as part of my treatment and go to an in-person group for people with ostomies for a variety of reasons, and a couple of people there have had anal cancer so it has made a huge impact on my emotional healing to have people to talk with face to face.

Its a funny thing how those of us who claim to be "optimistic" (myself included) can feel so very tested at times, and almost temorarily blind to seeing any good in some situations. Reality seems to slap pretty hard sometimes, but it makes us who we are. I have to remind myself that who I am today, is not who I was yesterday, nor who I'll be tomorrow, and......thats ok! As long as we are alive we are evolving, cancer changes us but not all change is bad. As far as that piano goes, maybe it would feel good to just sit down, close your eyes, and see what your fingers do!

I'll surely be praying that that upcoming scan helps in restoring some of that optimism you are searching for.

katheryn

RaleighMusicGuy said:

Katheryn

Thank you for your encouraging words.  Like yourself, I have been the eternal optimist, full of hope.  Not anymore, and I don't know how to live with no hope.

 

Maybe I am expecting too much too soon, because today is 1 month that treatments ended.

 

I am pretty depressed, although I have been on depression and anxiety meds for a long time.  They aren't helping now.

I have always been a man with unshakeable faith, but it is isn't as strong as it has been.  That disturbs me.  I know I   was put on Earth to show the less fortunate that there is always hope.

 

Thank you for your insights.

 

One person I remember said it took two years before they felt like their self again. This was helpful to me. Like you I was very impatient with my recovery. Sometimes we optimists have been stuffing pain and hurt as a survival mechanism. I have been in serious therapy for PTSD as the treatment, the cancer and relationship issues arising from sexual disfunction etc caused me to have to endure revisiting past challenges as well. But I am so strong sometimes I surprise myself. I am grateful for my therapists. I do not need medication due to the effectiveness of our sessions. Good luck.

Sandy

RaleighMusicGuy said:

Sandy

First, thank you for your reply.  It's nice to meet another optimist who has been challenged in that dept.  I am grieving the death of my old life and frightened about what this new one will bring. I will say it again, "No one should ever have to got through cancer and the treatments alone."  For me, this is the loneliest journey of my life.  When I am too tired to prepare something to eat, I force myself to, despite the fatigue. We have to eat to keep our weight up and our bodies supplied with nutrients. We do what we have to do, even though we need our rest.  Today, I have been asking why my life evolved the way it did.  And how I envy those who have a spouse, or partner along side them.  I have had some major health challenges in the past, but nothing like this.  I intend to keep my head held high and wait for the hope and optimism to return.

 

Blessing to you Sandy.

You are not alone in your grief.  I too grieved for the loss of the life I had before I heard those words "I'm sorry to have to tell you ..."  That day is a marker of this change in my life.  In the early days of seeing a therapist I spent a long time talking about the before and after.  I think it was an important part of my grieving process.  I didn't start seeing my therapist until nearly a year after the diagnosis and about 3 months after I had returned to work and was unable to live in "the normal world".  I felt like I was living in parallel to the rest of the world and I couldn't cross over to that other side.  I needed to talk with someone who really listened and didn't try to cheer me up or talk me into feeling grateful for my survival or tell me to see the blessings I received from my experience.  It is still not easy sometimes to accept that I live in this new chapter of my life and I long for the way I lived prior to July 16, 2012.  As for the lonely journey, I so relate to your envy of those who have a spouse or partner next to them.  I am surrounded by friends and loved deeply by my beautiful faraway daughter but still have a longing sometimes for someone to hold my hand anytime day or night.

It is just a day or an hour or a minute at a time.  It's good to hear you will hold your head up and I believe your optimism will return.

Janet