My wife

Very nicely said Rick. I'm glad that you're doing well. I know what you mean. It changes us in ways that a person that's not gone through it wouldn't understand. I hate that I have rto think about death more and how much time I might or might not have left. Nobody leaves this earth alive and we can all go at any time but for those of us who have had this diagnosis it's always hanging over us. I've been bugging my husband for several years to get another acreage and move from town so my and my daughter's horses can be at home.  Now I wonder if we'll ever be able to take that chance. If I get sick again I can't look after the horses. If I'm on chemo and have the cold sensitivity I can't go out in the winter and feed them. My husband retires in two years. He'd like to move somewhere warmer. I can't risk not having our health care coverage or going somewheer where the treatment isn't as good. I look at our dogs and my horse and wonder if I'll outlive them. I hate that although I am usually pretty positive about this I still have to have these thoughts and accept that they are a factor in my new life as someone who has been diagnosed with cancer.

Most of all I hate that the experts can't give us an answer for anything. I hate living with the uncertainty.

Jan

It's always good to see you, and brings a smile to my face.

Every once in a while my husband will catch me crying and I tell him about the person I learned has just passed away, and he lets me tell him all about how much that one had meant to me and how bravely they faced their fate, he doesn't understand but he stands there and tells me he's sorry and he listens, I am lucky. 

It didn't use to be like that, when I was diagnosed and he lost his job at the same time he took to drinking, and my life was a living hell dealing with it,  this year in February I think (my fourth anniversary of being diagnosed)he quite drinking and has been supportive ever since.  Sometimes they can surprise you.

I'm just glad you're here Rick and that you continue to post, we've been around awhile.

Winter Marie

sounds similar to your wife, but he was the cancer patient and I the caregiver.  I came to this board to get insight and experiences from all of you.  He thought I was torturing myself hearing other cancer stories.  He told me once to "get my head out of the sand" with his cancer battle.  I was quite shocked since he was the one who would not go to any support groups, join any groups like this or even talk to others getting chemo at the same time he was.  I think he thought I was being too optimisitic, but what other choice did I have?  I was optimistic right through September until they told us there was nothing more to be done, the darn cancer had won.  I have found comfort, fear, good news and bad news on this board,  but that is life, right?  I celebrate good news on here and mourn the losses also.  I will be joining a bereavement group locally this week.  I have found it helpful to talk to others in the same situation.  I'm glad we're all a little different, the world would be a boring place if we were all the same.  Thanks for your update.

Linda

I love how you expressed how many of us feel.  Glad to hear you're doing well.

YoVita said:

What a lovely post

I love how you expressed how many of us feel.  Glad to hear you're doing well.

I once said that I felt like the child here when I first came on and the people here were my parents, then I became a parent and my parents became grandparents, just passing the baton (get it from my years in the military).    All of us here helping the newbies along. It was quite touching. Now I left for a bit due to some  nasty people but came back after a few months. I was here three years during my remission and reoccurrence and each death is a pain in the heart but ever tear that I helped stop, every hope that I was and able to give is very dear and important to me. 

When a friend passess my husband is very sympathetic,  but he also knows how hard it is for us and how we also think of our own mortality.

I'm here to stay at CSN until the Lord carries me away.  

Thanks for coming back now and then and letting us know how you are. 

So good to see you, Rick! And yes, you are right, cancer is like a subject that is hard to breach and talk about to those, who have not gone through it, or have not been closely related to one who died of cancer. As Thanksgiving is approaching and my classmates are all talking about their Thanksgiving dinner, and how cool it will be that there's no school next week on Thursday and Friday, I simply get a bitter taste in my mouth because I cannot have that, and never will. I feel a bit more sensitive, reflecting back and wondering what the heck happened and why. And then I go through the whole phase of the sufferings that my Mom gone through and tell myself to stop self-pitying myself, as for her, to die was a relief. Yes, as much as her heart was aching that she will not see me growing up, it was still a relief for her. And this is hard to describe to those who have never had cancer, or did not lose someone really close to them due to cancer. So hard. It's like you are trying to tell them that you saw a UFO. People imagine as like "oh yeah. I heard it is a bad disease, and it is sad people get it, and some even die from" But with that thought in mind they think it's not that horrible...it's quick, not too painful or anything, kind of like a good "healthy" heart attack (if I am allowed to use the word healthy at all). The emotional and physical pain that cancer entails can barely be described. I am happy you are still lurking around, I am super lazy and have not been on here for a while, but see, like you, I also find myself coming back again and again. The people I've got to know here (those that are still here as well as those who left) are my cyber family. I still remember the people who had made a huge difference in my life in my hardest time of my life at the time and I am very grateful for them. I wish them all recovery, strength, and for those who have left us: happiness up there, hoping from one cloud to another!

sharpy102 said:

@Linda: When I was going

@Linda: When I was going through the fight against cancer with my Mom I did not want to talk about anything like this at all! Indeed, even after she died for a while I was just mad...and the rage that built up inside me kept me in an inner storm and did not want to acknowledge neither that I was completely incompetent to do anything that could save my Mom, or ackowledge after my Mom left that she did. People have very different reaction to things like these.....some people's first reaction is to go seek help, find a group they can talk to about things, while others tuck their head in the sand and try to "ignore" it. I was the latter...what a bad idea, but it is who I am. And it took a good two years before I could realize that I need help, and I need to vent, and cry and cry. For the 2 years before it I "ignored" it, pushed away anytime my brain was trying to remember, and I never cried, and did not let myself cry. Did it work? No! Was it the worst idea/action one can do? Yes Would I be the same way? Possibly. I know it's bad, but it is who I am, it is how I react to things. Maybe it's good that your husband was similar as me and did not want to find any kind of group or anything that reminded him of his condition. It is one type of "defense mechanism" we have to avoid the inevitable. I hope you'll find a good group and that you'll find some peace, and maybe even some comfort knowing that for your husband, this was the best outcome. He will never leave you alone, and will watch you from up above and smile when you do something he loved! He won't ever leave you!!! Please take care!!!

for sharing your experience.  I will be attending the bereavement group tomorrow night, at least I'll give it a chance.  It's a night time group, they told me, because most of the group works so at least I know they will be people similar to me since I went back to work last Wednesday.  I still cry every day, sometimes many times in a day.  I picked up his cremains the other night and it is comforting to have "him" back home.  I also got pendants that hold some cremains for myself and our daughter.  I wear mine on a long chain so I can keep him close to my heart.  It may be kind of creepy to some people, but I love it.

I would not allow any mention of cancer at his service, dinner afterward or in the many picture boards and slide show we put together.  I know it is what ended his life, but it did not define him.

It just makes me sad to know all he went through and in the end, all for nothing.  So many on this board continue to battle and I have to give you all the credit in the world.  Having been through this as a caregiver, I'm not sure what I would do if I ever get diagnosed one day.  It is hell.

Linda

Hey Rick, I am cancer free 22 months.  Cancer never REALLY goes away, it sits in the back of your mind and gets you sometimes.  Not a lot but sometimes.  And if only the people who still had cancer came on these support groups, there wouldn't be much hope for those trying to get through it.  What happens to people who have helped me through is important to me.  I want to give that to someone else in the same supportive way.  You're not alone.  Everyone pops on once in awhile.  I pop on once or twice a month or whenever cancer pops into my head anyway (like now) just so I can say hello and see how everyone is doing or give my support.  I always say there are two worlds, the cancer world and the noncancer world.  Be greatful when you're in the noncancer world (if they only knew).  I also call it the secret world (wonder what other secret worlds are out there) and the other facebook.  lol  Got to keep some humor in all of this.

My husband didn't understand for the longest time why I kept coming back to these forums.  I'm here much less now, but want to be able to help make life even a tiny bit easier for someone who faces what I've faced.  I complete understand you, Rick.

I'm more of a lurker now, but when I see something I feel strongly about, I'll pipe up.

Best,

Alice