My wife

RickMurtagh

My wife thinks I am nuts for continuing to come to these forums. Every time I do (every month or two) I see and occasionally tell her, who has passed and it makes me morn to see people I have come to know die from this disease. She says it is because all of the people who are cancer free move on and the ones that stay...Well you get the idea. She has told me I should move on as well. 

She does not understand the need to connect with people going through the same things. She does not understand scanxiety, the fear that cancer could return at any time or even that I have a need sometimes to give something back to those suffering like I had. 

She does not understand you nor does she fully understand me and hopefully she never will, as I think the only way she could is to get cancer herself.

All that really just to say this:

To those of you still around, cancer free or those trying to beat the beast; thank you!  Your perseverance encourages me and gives me hope.  You are rays of light when I am in dark places.

To those care givers who remain after a loved one passes, the love and care you showed your cancer charge, and show still, warms me and reminds me just how good the human race can be. 

As for those that have passed, I can not express the sorrow I have born at their passing, nor the gladness at having some small glimps of the encouragement, grace and dignity they displayed even to the very end. 

Rick

P.S.  I did not want you to think something has happened; I am well. 

 

JanJan63

Very nicely said Rick. I'm

Very nicely said Rick. I'm glad that you're doing well. I know what you mean. It changes us in ways that a person that's not gone through it wouldn't understand. I hate that I have rto think about death more and how much time I might or might not have left. Nobody leaves this earth alive and we can all go at any time but for those of us who have had this diagnosis it's always hanging over us. I've been bugging my husband for several years to get another acreage and move from town so my and my daughter's horses can be at home.  Now I wonder if we'll ever be able to take that chance. If I get sick again I can't look after the horses. If I'm on chemo and have the cold sensitivity I can't go out in the winter and feed them. My husband retires in two years. He'd like to move somewhere warmer. I can't risk not having our health care coverage or going somewheer where the treatment isn't as good. I look at our dogs and my horse and wonder if I'll outlive them. I hate that although I am usually pretty positive about this I still have to have these thoughts and accept that they are a factor in my new life as someone who has been diagnosed with cancer.

Most of all I hate that the experts can't give us an answer for anything. I hate living with the uncertainty.

Jan

ron50

Good to see you Rick

      I endorse your comments. Many of my acquaintences do not understand why I come back here from time to time. The simplest and truest answer is because I can. I have survived for nearly sixteen years from what my surgeon described as a frightfully aggressive stage 3 c tumour. He did not think that I would make it and neither did my oncologist.   I remind them both from time to time . My surgeon once said stop gloating. I said i am not gloating I am merely reminding you that you are not wasting your time. I am here partly because of you and John my onc. He actually thanked me because he said that he often does forget that he has and is saving lives . So return I will until I am no longer able . Cheers Rick Live long .. RON.

herdizziness

Hi Rick

It's always good to see you, and brings a smile to my face.

Every once in a while my husband will catch me crying and I tell him about the person I learned has just passed away, and he lets me tell him all about how much that one had meant to me and how bravely they faced their fate, he doesn't understand but he stands there and tells me he's sorry and he listens, I am lucky. 

It didn't use to be like that, when I was diagnosed and he lost his job at the same time he took to drinking, and my life was a living hell dealing with it,  this year in February I think (my fourth anniversary of being diagnosed)he quite drinking and has been supportive ever since.  Sometimes they can surprise you.

I'm just glad you're here Rick and that you continue to post, we've been around awhile.

Winter Marie

Trubrit

Thank you, Rick

I love to see your picture and your words pop up every now and again. First, its good to know that you are doing well, and second, that you care enough to share your knowledge with those who are here. 

I don't think anyone really understands unless they have walked the walk.  I stay here because I rememer how much help and comfort I myslef got when I came here, new to Cancer and so scared. If I can help just one person feel comfort amidst all of there fears, then it is worth the tears and heart ache of seeing yet another member or loved one of our special care givers, pass away. 

It hurts to see our friends pass, especially when we lose so many in a short period of time, which always seems to happen, but some of us have to be here for those who arrive new and with fears and questions. 

So, I hope you keep on popping back in and telling us that you are doing well, and sharing your advice. 

Sue - Trubrit

LindaK.

My husband

sounds similar to your wife, but he was the cancer patient and I the caregiver.  I came to this board to get insight and experiences from all of you.  He thought I was torturing myself hearing other cancer stories.  He told me once to "get my head out of the sand" with his cancer battle.  I was quite shocked since he was the one who would not go to any support groups, join any groups like this or even talk to others getting chemo at the same time he was.  I think he thought I was being too optimisitic, but what other choice did I have?  I was optimistic right through September until they told us there was nothing more to be done, the darn cancer had won.  I have found comfort, fear, good news and bad news on this board,  but that is life, right?  I celebrate good news on here and mourn the losses also.  I will be joining a bereavement group locally this week.  I have found it helpful to talk to others in the same situation.  I'm glad we're all a little different, the world would be a boring place if we were all the same.  Thanks for your update.

Linda

Lovekitties

Hi Rick

Good to see you!

I am glad to see you checking back in to the forum.

It is difficult for others to understand what keeps one coming back.  Even with our losses, this has been a place of comfort, information and understanding...and that is hard to give up...especially when it was an important part of a difficult time in our lives.

For those who no longer visit, I can only wish them well and hope that they never have the need to return.

So very good to know that all is well with you.

Marie who loves kitties

YoVita

What a lovely post

I love how you expressed how many of us feel.  Glad to hear you're doing well.

danker

LindaK. said:

My husband

sounds similar to your wife, but he was the cancer patient and I the caregiver.  I came to this board to get insight and experiences from all of you.  He thought I was torturing myself hearing other cancer stories.  He told me once to "get my head out of the sand" with his cancer battle.  I was quite shocked since he was the one who would not go to any support groups, join any groups like this or even talk to others getting chemo at the same time he was.  I think he thought I was being too optimisitic, but what other choice did I have?  I was optimistic right through September until they told us there was nothing more to be done, the darn cancer had won.  I have found comfort, fear, good news and bad news on this board,  but that is life, right?  I celebrate good news on here and mourn the losses also.  I will be joining a bereavement group locally this week.  I have found it helpful to talk to others in the same situation.  I'm glad we're all a little different, the world would be a boring place if we were all the same.  Thanks for your update.

Linda

LindaK

Glad to hear you are hanging in there!  We will get used to the lonelynesss. Have a nice Thanksgiving!

Nana b

YoVita said:

What a lovely post

I love how you expressed how many of us feel.  Glad to hear you're doing well.

 I once said that I felt

 

I once said that I felt like the child here when I first came on and the people here were my parents, then I became a parent and my parents became grandparents, just passing the baton (get it from my years in the military).    All of us here helping the newbies along. It was quite touching. Now I left for a bit due to some  nasty people but came back after a few months. I was here three years during my remission and reoccurrence and each death is a pain in the heart but ever tear that I helped stop, every hope that I was and able to give is very dear and important to me. 

 

When a friend passess my husband is very sympathetic,  but he also knows how hard it is for us and how we also think of our own mortality.

 

I'm here to stay at CSN until the Lord carries me away.  

 

 

Thanks for coming back now and then and letting us know how you are. 

Annabelle41415

About these boards

I've been here for quite some time and it seems to always draw me in.  Obviously you feel the same way.  Here we understand one another and even if we aren't related by marriage or blood, we are related through experience of a terrible disease and what we or our loved ones have been through.  We know how each other feels without even having to say anything because we've been there.  Support, caring words, understanding, knowedge, experience, etc. keeps us connected.  Glad you keep checking in and you are doing well.  It's good to see you again.

Kim

sharpy102

So good to see you, Rick! And

So good to see you, Rick! And yes, you are right, cancer is like a subject that is hard to breach and talk about to those, who have not gone through it, or have not been closely related to one who died of cancer. As Thanksgiving is approaching and my classmates are all talking about their Thanksgiving dinner, and how cool it will be that there's no school next week on Thursday and Friday, I simply get a bitter taste in my mouth because I cannot have that, and never will. I feel a bit more sensitive, reflecting back and wondering what the heck happened and why. And then I go through the whole phase of the sufferings that my Mom gone through and tell myself to stop self-pitying myself, as for her, to die was a relief. Yes, as much as her heart was aching that she will not see me growing up, it was still a relief for her. And this is hard to describe to those who have never had cancer, or did not lose someone really close to them due to cancer. So hard. It's like you are trying to tell them that you saw a UFO. People imagine as like "oh yeah. I heard it is a bad disease, and it is sad people get it, and some even die from" But with that thought in mind they think it's not that horrible...it's quick, not too painful or anything, kind of like a good "healthy" heart attack (if I am allowed to use the word healthy at all). The emotional and physical pain that cancer entails can barely be described. I am happy you are still lurking around, I am super lazy and have not been on here for a while, but see, like you, I also find myself coming back again and again. The people I've got to know here (those that are still here as well as those who left) are my cyber family. I still remember the people who had made a huge difference in my life in my hardest time of my life at the time and I am very grateful for them. I wish them all recovery, strength, and for those who have left us: happiness up there, hoping from one cloud to another!

sharpy102

LindaK. said:

My husband

sounds similar to your wife, but he was the cancer patient and I the caregiver.  I came to this board to get insight and experiences from all of you.  He thought I was torturing myself hearing other cancer stories.  He told me once to "get my head out of the sand" with his cancer battle.  I was quite shocked since he was the one who would not go to any support groups, join any groups like this or even talk to others getting chemo at the same time he was.  I think he thought I was being too optimisitic, but what other choice did I have?  I was optimistic right through September until they told us there was nothing more to be done, the darn cancer had won.  I have found comfort, fear, good news and bad news on this board,  but that is life, right?  I celebrate good news on here and mourn the losses also.  I will be joining a bereavement group locally this week.  I have found it helpful to talk to others in the same situation.  I'm glad we're all a little different, the world would be a boring place if we were all the same.  Thanks for your update.

Linda

@Linda: When I was going

@Linda: When I was going through the fight against cancer with my Mom I did not want to talk about anything like this at all! Indeed, even after she died for a while I was just mad...and the rage that built up inside me kept me in an inner storm and did not want to acknowledge neither that I was completely incompetent to do anything that could save my Mom, or ackowledge after my Mom left that she did. People have very different reaction to things like these.....some people's first reaction is to go seek help, find a group they can talk to about things, while others tuck their head in the sand and try to "ignore" it. I was the latter...what a bad idea, but it is who I am. And it took a good two years before I could realize that I need help, and I need to vent, and cry and cry. For the 2 years before it I "ignored" it, pushed away anytime my brain was trying to remember, and I never cried, and did not let myself cry. Did it work? No! Was it the worst idea/action one can do? Yes Would I be the same way? Possibly. I know it's bad, but it is who I am, it is how I react to things. Maybe it's good that your husband was similar as me and did not want to find any kind of group or anything that reminded him of his condition. It is one type of "defense mechanism" we have to avoid the inevitable. I hope you'll find a good group and that you'll find some peace, and maybe even some comfort knowing that for your husband, this was the best outcome. He will never leave you alone, and will watch you from up above and smile when you do something he loved! He won't ever leave you!!! Please take care!!!

LindaK.

sharpy102 said:

@Linda: When I was going

@Linda: When I was going through the fight against cancer with my Mom I did not want to talk about anything like this at all! Indeed, even after she died for a while I was just mad...and the rage that built up inside me kept me in an inner storm and did not want to acknowledge neither that I was completely incompetent to do anything that could save my Mom, or ackowledge after my Mom left that she did. People have very different reaction to things like these.....some people's first reaction is to go seek help, find a group they can talk to about things, while others tuck their head in the sand and try to "ignore" it. I was the latter...what a bad idea, but it is who I am. And it took a good two years before I could realize that I need help, and I need to vent, and cry and cry. For the 2 years before it I "ignored" it, pushed away anytime my brain was trying to remember, and I never cried, and did not let myself cry. Did it work? No! Was it the worst idea/action one can do? Yes Would I be the same way? Possibly. I know it's bad, but it is who I am, it is how I react to things. Maybe it's good that your husband was similar as me and did not want to find any kind of group or anything that reminded him of his condition. It is one type of "defense mechanism" we have to avoid the inevitable. I hope you'll find a good group and that you'll find some peace, and maybe even some comfort knowing that for your husband, this was the best outcome. He will never leave you alone, and will watch you from up above and smile when you do something he loved! He won't ever leave you!!! Please take care!!!

Thanks

for sharing your experience.  I will be attending the bereavement group tomorrow night, at least I'll give it a chance.  It's a night time group, they told me, because most of the group works so at least I know they will be people similar to me since I went back to work last Wednesday.  I still cry every day, sometimes many times in a day.  I picked up his cremains the other night and it is comforting to have "him" back home.  I also got pendants that hold some cremains for myself and our daughter.  I wear mine on a long chain so I can keep him close to my heart.  It may be kind of creepy to some people, but I love it.

I would not allow any mention of cancer at his service, dinner afterward or in the many picture boards and slide show we put together.  I know it is what ended his life, but it did not define him.

It just makes me sad to know all he went through and in the end, all for nothing.  So many on this board continue to battle and I have to give you all the credit in the world.  Having been through this as a caregiver, I'm not sure what I would do if I ever get diagnosed one day.  It is hell.

Linda

LindaK.

danker said:

LindaK

Glad to hear you are hanging in there!  We will get used to the lonelynesss. Have a nice Thanksgiving!

Thanks

Thanks Dan!

Linda

Helen321

Hey Rick, I am cancer free 22

Hey Rick, I am cancer free 22 months.  Cancer never REALLY goes away, it sits in the back of your mind and gets you sometimes.  Not a lot but sometimes.  And if only the people who still had cancer came on these support groups, there wouldn't be much hope for those trying to get through it.  What happens to people who have helped me through is important to me.  I want to give that to someone else in the same supportive way.  You're not alone.  Everyone pops on once in awhile.  I pop on once or twice a month or whenever cancer pops into my head anyway (like now) just so I can say hello and see how everyone is doing or give my support.  I always say there are two worlds, the cancer world and the noncancer world.  Be greatful when you're in the noncancer world (if they only knew).  I also call it the secret world (wonder what other secret worlds are out there) and the other facebook.  lol  Got to keep some humor in all of this.

Helen321

LindaK. said:

My husband

sounds similar to your wife, but he was the cancer patient and I the caregiver.  I came to this board to get insight and experiences from all of you.  He thought I was torturing myself hearing other cancer stories.  He told me once to "get my head out of the sand" with his cancer battle.  I was quite shocked since he was the one who would not go to any support groups, join any groups like this or even talk to others getting chemo at the same time he was.  I think he thought I was being too optimisitic, but what other choice did I have?  I was optimistic right through September until they told us there was nothing more to be done, the darn cancer had won.  I have found comfort, fear, good news and bad news on this board,  but that is life, right?  I celebrate good news on here and mourn the losses also.  I will be joining a bereavement group locally this week.  I have found it helpful to talk to others in the same situation.  I'm glad we're all a little different, the world would be a boring place if we were all the same.  Thanks for your update.

Linda

Hey Linda, He was probably

Hey Linda, He was probably angry dealing with his own unexpected mortality.  I'm 44 and the idea that I could actually die sent me for a loop too.  I hope you get through the best way you can.  Not an easy time of the year.  You and Danker are in my thoughts.  I'm in the midst of divorce and I thought that was hard but I can't even imagine.  Hang in there=)

abrub

My husband didn't understand

My husband didn't understand for the longest time why I kept coming back to these forums.  I'm here much less now, but want to be able to help make life even a tiny bit easier for someone who faces what I've faced.  I complete understand you, Rick.

I'm more of a lurker now, but when I see something I feel strongly about, I'll pipe up.

Best,

Alice

Fight for my love

I have been lurking a lot

I have been lurking a lot too. Luckiy my husband always supports me to do the things I want to do(ps:he is the patient, I am the caretaker). Although I don't post much, I do pray for everyone and I do feel hearbroken for bad news and happy for good news. I never left the forum, just lurking too much. I think I will pop up more often from now on. Thank you, Rick.