sad and depressed.

foxhd said:

I've watched

dozens of people go through this over the last 3 years. The goal and plan is to stay strong and tough through it all. But for most of us it eventually hits home. We break down. And cry. We accept that maybe we aren't super heroes. You've done a good job getting to this point. So let it out. You'll feel better. And verbalize your feelings. Write them out and post them here. Even if there are not alot of responses, we will all share your load. It helps a lot. You can trust me on this one. And yes, demand more pain meds. that is why they make them. If the surgeon says no, get them from your pc.

Same thoughts as Fox. That first week can be hell. Things will get better, day by day, week by week.

Icemantoo

Laura,

In addition to getting more pain meds please ask your doctor for a prescription for some Ativan.  This will help calm your anxiety attacks.

And it's one of those rare occasions where the person saying it really does know how you feel!

Feeling alone, scared, anxious? I've felt that. Sometimes it's worse, sometimes it's better. Sometimes I even forget about the cancer.

But the bad times were pretty bad, I agree. I think just after the surgery and before the pathology came back was an especially rough time. I did ask for and got some Xanax and Ativan. I tried to only use them when the anxiety was so bad I couldn't sleep, and really tried not to take them every night. Once in a great while I would have a really bad attack and I might take one during the day. I found the most helpful thing to do was to type how I was feeling here, or write it in a journal, or call someone that could listen without criticizing or telling me what to do (I only have one person like that, my ex-wife). This all helped.

I ordered Gerald White's meditation CD. Highly recommended. Gerald White is an RCC survivor who wrote a book and has a guided imagery guided meditation CD which is great. I'd listen to it every night as I was falling asleep. You can google for this. If you can't find it, let me know and I'll send you the link. I put the CD onto my iPhone so I could listen on planes, or in hotel rooms, or wherever I was. It helped me calm down and focus on good stuff. I've become a more serious pray-er this past year. I'm not a person that evangelizes and I probably have what most people that do that would say is a really odd/weird attitude and ideas about God (according to them, but not according to me). In fact, they'd probably say I'm heretical. Lol. Still, I pray.

You're normal. This is stressful. You aren't alone. We're all right there with you in spirit and mindset if not physically.

Hope something we've said helps.

Wishing you healing,

Todd

Although it feels like you are alone - we all have been through this.  It does get better! 

You need to find something, even a teenie tiny thing, everyday that makes you smile.  Then work into, laugh and so forth.  None of us wanted to be here, but ...at least we are HERE now and on the road to being better.

Get some more pain meds if you need them.  Stand up straight (best you can at this point and time) and go for awalk (saunter, lumber, stroll) outside (hopefully it's sunny there).

"We" are all here for you.  I found this site to be so helpful in that sense.  I may never go a day/hour wihtout thinking of the C word, but at least here, people know what I am goin gthrough.  And they do for you. 

Don't bottle it up! 

Laurie

danbren2 said:

It will be ok!

Laura,

     Things may seem really scary right now but you will get stronger.  I think I went through being scared to death, then the why me syndrome, then mad, and now just wanting to fight with all my might not to let the "C" word restrict my living!  I have been fighting it for three years and I can tell you, I still think about it every day, and I still get upset when it comes times for my scans, but I am very happy to be here and I am living life with a whole different outlook now, and it is really fantastic!

   Please come here and let us know how you are feeling.  We will always be here for you! Sending you strength and hugs!

                                                       Prayers of good health!

                                                        Brenda

having that song stuck in your head and you can't get it out. Right? The c word is there every day.

Jojo61 said:

Laura
What you are feeling is

Laura

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. This is happening fast and it is difficult to process. We are here for you!!

Hang tough, girl.

Hugs

Jojo

Some point in the future...not sure when, you will wake up and think about your day.  You will think about your life plan.  I was there at 3 months out. And again at 2 years.  You wake up, you go about your life...you do your tasks...and, while you never forget about the big C, is is not the dominant thing in your life -- at least when you are NED.

You start planning things where the next scans are just something on the schedule rather than a milestone where nothing goes after it. 

Oh, and there is nothing wrong with asking for help.  Zoloft is your friend.

danbren2 said:

It will be ok!

Laura,

     Things may seem really scary right now but you will get stronger.  I think I went through being scared to death, then the why me syndrome, then mad, and now just wanting to fight with all my might not to let the "C" word restrict my living!  I have been fighting it for three years and I can tell you, I still think about it every day, and I still get upset when it comes times for my scans, but I am very happy to be here and I am living life with a whole different outlook now, and it is really fantastic!

   Please come here and let us know how you are feeling.  We will always be here for you! Sending you strength and hugs!

                                                       Prayers of good health!

                                                        Brenda

Hi Laura, I hope you are feeling better today. 

It's been said before but, I'll say it again, your fear and anxiety make you normal.  Everyone of us gets it, understands it and experiences it.  As Brenda so eloquently put it, the "why me syndrome" got me too.  It's easy to let your mind go there.  Actually, I think it just goes, I don't think we let it, at least, not initially.  Personally speaking, I could have wallered in self pity for the rest of my days and not gave a damn.  I had cancer and people with cancer die.  Mom, dad, grandparents, uncles, so really, what did it matter if I continued to waller if I was just going to die anyway?  Yeah, I'd say, like you, I was pretty sad, lonely and scared.  That was until I came here.  And for the first time ever, I saw people living with cancer.  I met people like Brenda who, despite her cancer, is one of the most graceful, positive, inspirational people ever.   She, along with so many others have demonstrated what it really means to be a fighter and a survivor.  It didn't take me long to realize, I will die someday, but not likely from RCC.  That said, my cancer was physically removed from my body but the doctors could not remove it from my mind.   So, I still feel like I'm living with cancer even tho technically, I'm not.  Like Fox said, it's like a song you just can't get out of your head.  I can tune it out at times but it never ever silences...it's always playing in the background.  The trick is to not let it become your theme song.  

Anyway, please don't feel so isolated and alone.  The people on this board are an incredible source of support, full of wisdom and always ready to lend an ear.  I don't know if many of us have people in our real world that truly understands what we go thru, I know I don't.  The people here have most definitely saved my sanity and overall emotional well being.  Allow us to do the same for you.  In time, you will pay it forward and be someone else's source of strength. 

Keep your chin up girl.  We are all here for ya.

Sindy

Laura76 said:

Lol ty I was like who's

Lol ty I was like who's that?? 

Good morning Laura,

I'm guessing that the doctor's comment about your case being rare is probably because you are young.  It normally occurs at an older age.   How old are you?

Did they only remove the one lymph node?

When do you see the doctor for a follow-up?  Ask them for a copy of the pathology report when you go and then let us know the details of stage and grade and type (like clear cell or papillary or something).  It gives us a better picture of what you are facing.  It sounds like they must have the pathology report since they say that they have confirmed that it is cancer.

You are still in shock from all of this so just accept that you are going to be going through a lot of emotions for a while.  Then, things will begin to settle down.  You may find that you need medication to help you through the emotions for a little while.

I'm glad to hear that your doctor wants to take an aggressive approach.

Where are you being treated and is your doctor an oncologist?  I believe that you need to see an RCC specialist.