One week and soon to be alone

jim and i
jim and i Member Posts: 1,788 Member
in Head and Neck Cancer #1

My daughter and her family are leaving in the morning. My sister left Thursday. My son lives here but works long hours and my sisters who live near have jobs and family, so tomorrow I will face my first day alone. No one to stay strong for, no one to distract me, keep me busy or make me laugh. Just me and my tears. Oh how I dread tomorrow. Yet, I some how look forward to being alone, crying until I am truly drained and grieving the loss of my one true love. I will be able to scream, holler, yell, punch things, throw things without anyone trying to stop me. When the nurse said, "He is gone." I wailed and sobbed. I think maybe I need that release again. So I dread yet look forward to tomorrow, a day of release and sadness.

This is the last sad post I plan to write. I will continue to visit and post here but only to encourage and advise. Everyone of you have been a help to me during this three year journey. I could not have made it without your advice and encouragement. Thank you CSN family.

Debbie

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Comments

  • CivilMatt
    CivilMatt Member Posts: 4,724 Member
    #2
    not alone

    Debbie,

    Your story is now a part of my story too.  I strive to understand and gain a little wisdom from each post I read.  We have each been given a wake-up call to be a little more respectful of the life we have been given.  I hope to be a little more like Jim and get out and do some fishing and the crazy thing is my wife loves to fish.

    Peace tomorrow and every day,

    Matt

  • donfoo
    donfoo Member Posts: 1,773 Member
    #3
    You are very special.

    I jumped on the at your halfway point but the most final hours of Jim's Last fishing derby showed both your strength and courage like no other. You are amazingly strong ad dedicated to Jim and us here. Your constant updates took a lot of energy and show your caring spirit. You've given the rare gift of insight held tight by most. Sharing your experiences openly to us is a gift I thank you dearly for. You've made me a better person and I thank you. It is your time to reflect and grieve and live on as Jim wishes. ill know you are checking. You'll know when it is time to post again. Don

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    #4
    You

    You are an inspiration to me as I go thru this journey with my husband.  I have always heard that we don't actually grieve until after the funeral and when we are alone because that is when it actually hits us.

    Wishing you peace and comfort -- Sharon

  • phrannie51
    phrannie51 Member Posts: 4,716
    #5
    Debbie....

    I love what Matt wrote.....he was able to put into words what so many of us feel.  Your's and Jim's story is a part of our story now.....your lives are entwined with our lives.  And you know, this place is open 24/7.....

    Yes, everyone will be going to their homes....and you will be alone in the house.  I think that you'll find tho, that family will be keeping tabs on you. 

    p

  • Grandmax4
    Grandmax4 Member Posts: 723
    #6
    A time of grief and reflection

    I'm sure the sorrow and lonliness will be more than you can bear at times, but, now it's time to look at Debbie, what does she want to do, where does she want to travel, reunite with friends in similar situations, go to church ? The safe, secure life with Jim has passed, but, you can still make a new awesome life for you...we all care very much for you, and have appriciated you letting us walk this path with you..please drop in when you feel the need or the want and let us know how Debbie is

  • katenorwood
    katenorwood Member Posts: 1,912
    #7
    peace and comfort

    Debbie,

    We'll be here if you ever need us.  Hugs sent !  Katie

  • debbiejeanne
    debbiejeanne Member Posts: 3,102 Member
    #8
    debbie, i'm so glad you let

    debbie, i'm so glad you let us share this very hard part of your life and hope that we were able to help/comfort you at some point.  as you went thru this stage of your life you always seemed to know just what to do when a new problem popped up and it sounds like you know just what needs to be done tomorrow.  i think that sounds like a very logical and self healing thing to do.  i honestly believe you will feel better to let yourself grive.  once you have done that, i pray you will be able to getting out with friends and family and not isolate yourself from the world.  you are a wonderful human being, debbie, and you deserve to go on living just as jim would have wanted you to!  do it for jim and do it for YOU!

    love, hugs and prayers,

    dj

  • Guzzle
    Guzzle Member Posts: 710
    #9
    debbiejeanne said:

    debbie, i'm so glad you let

    debbie, i'm so glad you let us share this very hard part of your life and hope that we were able to help/comfort you at some point.  as you went thru this stage of your life you always seemed to know just what to do when a new problem popped up and it sounds like you know just what needs to be done tomorrow.  i think that sounds like a very logical and self healing thing to do.  i honestly believe you will feel better to let yourself grive.  once you have done that, i pray you will be able to getting out with friends and family and not isolate yourself from the world.  you are a wonderful human being, debbie, and you deserve to go on living just as jim would have wanted you to!  do it for jim and do it for YOU!

    love, hugs and prayers,

    dj

    YNWA

    Debbie. YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE. Gary.

  • Steve5
    Steve5 Member Posts: 147
    #10
    I went fishing this morning

    Debbie, I went fishing this morning - it was a blast - like Matt said I am doing my best to step up to a new level of loving life and living life - I have always been a fisherman as well, ever since my mother and grandfather taught me how as a young kid - there is something wonderful about the outdoors, and fishing is so much fun - I wanted to share this with you because I believe it will be a big memory that you will share with others that your Jim loved to fish - my mother lost her battle to ovarian cancer 6 years ago - and there is so much that I still recall and relive and share with others from her life - I have a beer when I cook out because she did every year at the cabin, I laugh and get excited over an old western, I love desserts and my mom always had two in the house every night - accounts for my being able to hold my own in football I believe - I feel good about being able to share these wonderful parts of my mom's life much the same way I know you will continue as you have already done to share such wonderful times and parts of Jim's life -I like hearing about it even though we have never met - and I know you will do so for the rest of your life -

    As far as a day of release, have it out as much as you need to - release it and drain it, kick it and yell as much as you need to, and if you need to post sad post sad and when you can post happy post happy- you are one of the wonderful people on this network that had time for me, that has allowed me to post when I needed to and responded, and lifted and carried me, and prepared me, and gave me strength, and helped save me and get me through -

    Thinking of you in this terribly tough time

    Steve

  • jim and i
    jim and i Member Posts: 1,788 Member
    #11
    Steve5 said:

    I went fishing this morning

    Debbie, I went fishing this morning - it was a blast - like Matt said I am doing my best to step up to a new level of loving life and living life - I have always been a fisherman as well, ever since my mother and grandfather taught me how as a young kid - there is something wonderful about the outdoors, and fishing is so much fun - I wanted to share this with you because I believe it will be a big memory that you will share with others that your Jim loved to fish - my mother lost her battle to ovarian cancer 6 years ago - and there is so much that I still recall and relive and share with others from her life - I have a beer when I cook out because she did every year at the cabin, I laugh and get excited over an old western, I love desserts and my mom always had two in the house every night - accounts for my being able to hold my own in football I believe - I feel good about being able to share these wonderful parts of my mom's life much the same way I know you will continue as you have already done to share such wonderful times and parts of Jim's life -I like hearing about it even though we have never met - and I know you will do so for the rest of your life -

    As far as a day of release, have it out as much as you need to - release it and drain it, kick it and yell as much as you need to, and if you need to post sad post sad and when you can post happy post happy- you are one of the wonderful people on this network that had time for me, that has allowed me to post when I needed to and responded, and lifted and carried me, and prepared me, and gave me strength, and helped save me and get me through -

    Thinking of you in this terribly tough time

    Steve

    Thanks for sharing your

    Thanks for sharing your fishing adventure with me Steve. I grew up fishing as well. In fact my first date with Jim was fishing in January. It does get cold in Florida and it was really cold and windy that day. I had not been fishing in years and we were catching fish as fast as we could throw the bait. Jim was ready to go home and I wanted to stay. He said he knew he had met the right girl. I have so many great fishing, camping and sailing memories with Jim and reading your story brought them back. Thanks for a wonderful reminder.

    Debbie

  • TraceyEllyn
    TraceyEllyn Member Posts: 18
    #12
    Comfort

    Hi Debbie,

    I only was able to read a few posts before Jim had his graduation day. That thought of temporary separation has always comforted me. Grief to me is like an ocean wave. Memories cause the wave to form, crest, and pass before the next one hits. As in the natural some days in the ocean are calm, and others stormy. My prayer for you is that you ride your waves with happy memories of Jim. He's always in your heart. 

    As the upcoming days unfold I pray you find new open doors that help you fulfill your life full of love and grace.

    You're not alone!

    Tracey

  • TracyLynn72
    TracyLynn72 Member Posts: 839
    #13
    You may be alone in your home

    BUT you are never alone here!  So many of us think of you, pray for you and are with you in spirit.  Jim is a part of you and he will live on through your thoughts and memories.  You are on my heart lately and know that we are all here for you.  Post a sad post if you need to...we are all here to read and listen.  Sending a lot of love your way!

  • jim and i
    jim and i Member Posts: 1,788 Member
    #14
    TracyLynn72 said:

    You may be alone in your home

    BUT you are never alone here!  So many of us think of you, pray for you and are with you in spirit.  Jim is a part of you and he will live on through your thoughts and memories.  You are on my heart lately and know that we are all here for you.  Post a sad post if you need to...we are all here to read and listen.  Sending a lot of love your way!

    Thank you Tracey and Tracy

    I only got through Jim's treatment because of this Board and I am leaning heavily on this Board to get me through my grief. I just do not want to bring down those who are starting thrir journey. For that reason I want to limit my sad posts on this board. I know when I first found this Board I would quickly exit any post that talked about reoccurence or losing the battle. The blessing is that far less people loose the battle on this Board than win it. I credit that to the encouragement, advice and prayers of the members.

    Thank you

    Debbie 

  • TracyLynn72
    TracyLynn72 Member Posts: 839
    #15
    jim and i said:

    Thank you Tracey and Tracy

    I only got through Jim's treatment because of this Board and I am leaning heavily on this Board to get me through my grief. I just do not want to bring down those who are starting thrir journey. For that reason I want to limit my sad posts on this board. I know when I first found this Board I would quickly exit any post that talked about reoccurence or losing the battle. The blessing is that far less people loose the battle on this Board than win it. I credit that to the encouragement, advice and prayers of the members.

    Thank you

    Debbie 

    You're family

    now to all of us and if you are sad....let it out.  That's why we're here.  I posted MANY depressing posts and the replies, encouragement, prayers and good ol' kicks in the butt got me through so much.  Everyone on here is a survivor in one way or another.  I love you all!

  • TraceyEllyn
    TraceyEllyn Member Posts: 18
    #16
    Comfort

    Me again,

    Below is a link to a message given by a young Pastor Steve Andres whose wife died suddenly on November 22, 2013. He is 32 years old. May you find the same comfort he has.

    http://www.calvarynaperville.org/resources/sermons/

    Tracey

  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #17
    Hi Debbie

    God is with you to guide and bless you each and every day and to continue in your work of serving Him. You have been giving a gift of helps and in your tender care for Jim, you know pain and sorrow. Now use what God has giving you to help some else to know Him. My online ministry has been my blessing and has helped me draw closer to my savior. I pray that God will now bless and show you your path in life that He wants you to follow.

    God Bless you my Sister

    Tim Hondo     

  • jim and i
    jim and i Member Posts: 1,788 Member
    #18
    TraceyEllyn said:

    Comfort

    Me again,

    Below is a link to a message given by a young Pastor Steve Andres whose wife died suddenly on November 22, 2013. He is 32 years old. May you find the same comfort he has.

    http://www.calvarynaperville.org/resources/sermons/

    Tracey

    I can't get the video to

    I can't get the video to play.

     

  • kimnavarette
    kimnavarette Member Posts: 19
    #19
    Please don't ever feel like

    Please don't ever feel like you can't come here and share a sad moment with us. The important thing is not to dwell only in the sad moments. They will come. Let them. Share them with your family here. Then move on to the happier moments. Everyone here understands more than most. Lean on that and gain strength from that, just as everyone here has drawn from you. Hugs

  • jim and i
    jim and i Member Posts: 1,788 Member
    #20
    kimnavarette said:

    Please don't ever feel like

    Please don't ever feel like you can't come here and share a sad moment with us. The important thing is not to dwell only in the sad moments. They will come. Let them. Share them with your family here. Then move on to the happier moments. Everyone here understands more than most. Lean on that and gain strength from that, just as everyone here has drawn from you. Hugs

    Thanks Kim, I appreciate

    Thanks Kim, I appreciate it.

    Debbie

  • TraceyEllyn
    TraceyEllyn Member Posts: 18
    #21
    jim and i said:

    I can't get the video to

    I can't get the video to play.

     

    Video

    Ok. Try the below link. Or try typing in your search bar the next step. If that doesn't work you may need to update your flash player.

    http://calvarynaperville.org/resources/sermons/

    What I did is type in search bar: Calvary Church of Naperville. I use google. Then you'll see Calvary Church of Naperville.org Click on that. Then you should get their main page. On that page is a "Watch A Sermon" button. If you don't see it at first they have a scroll running. You should be able to click the arrows until you find it, and then click on the button. The first sermon is:

    A Message by Pastor Steve
    April 27, 2014

    Click on the arrow and the message will pop up.

    I hope this helps.

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