Try to cope with the loss
Comments
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Don't Get Itallan12 said:thanks bill this site seems
thanks bill this site seems easier than talking to freinds or family as i know they want me to move on and pick myself up but they dont get that im not wollowing in self pity im just lost and alone where ive always had my kate to turn too and now i dont im sure you know how it feels.
So many people just don't get it. I look back and remember when my dad died. I thought I understood what my mother was feeling, but I really didn't. My husband was my rock. Recently, I lost my mom. One of the things that hit me the hardest was that he wasn't here to help me through it. My friends and family rallied around me, but it wasn't the same. And tomorrow it will be 4 years since I lost Doug. I can, though, offer some hope. I no longer wallow for days at a time, and yes, there were times when I wallowed. That's ok. I think that is the best thing I have learned. That it is ok to feel what I feel when I feel it. It's ok if I fell apart in the grocery store the first time I went shopping and reached for something I always bought because Doug liked it. It's ok that I grieved when I needed to do so, counted the months, cried at silly things, etc. It's ok to get any help we need, too, whether that be meds or counseling. Take care of yourself and your family now. Time has helped me. I hope it helps you as well. Fay
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Life stinks
My wife and I where best friends, we did everything together. We loved working in our gardens together, we went shopping together, we enjoyed being with each other.We had a lot of friends together, mostly couples. Now that she is gone I find life unbearable. I am all lone, no family, no one comes by anymore.Its just me and our dogs, which was fine when she was here with us. I understand why people stay away, they have moved on with their lives while my life has stopped. I do not want to move on,I live my life the same as it was before only hoping that one day she will come home.I work all week, then work in the gardens on sat. and clean the house on sun.This is my routine every week and people wonder why I am so miserable.I am so tired of living this life without her, I went food shopping this evening, then when I drove up to our house I sat there and cried, asking why did this have to happen to her. What did we do so wrong do deserve this. I cannot see living the rest of my life this way, it's only getting worse as time goes by. Bill
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life stinksGriffon said:Life stinks
My wife and I where best friends, we did everything together. We loved working in our gardens together, we went shopping together, we enjoyed being with each other.We had a lot of friends together, mostly couples. Now that she is gone I find life unbearable. I am all lone, no family, no one comes by anymore.Its just me and our dogs, which was fine when she was here with us. I understand why people stay away, they have moved on with their lives while my life has stopped. I do not want to move on,I live my life the same as it was before only hoping that one day she will come home.I work all week, then work in the gardens on sat. and clean the house on sun.This is my routine every week and people wonder why I am so miserable.I am so tired of living this life without her, I went food shopping this evening, then when I drove up to our house I sat there and cried, asking why did this have to happen to her. What did we do so wrong do deserve this. I cannot see living the rest of my life this way, it's only getting worse as time goes by. Bill
when i used to say the other half refering to my fiance i did not realise how spot on it was.the clock still ticks and the days go by if it werent for my kids i,d still be in bed in denial but i know she,d kick my arse in fact i hear and feel her all the time when i leave stuff lying around i go back put it away and say sorry babe, being without her rips me in two but as much as it sucks you and me and all the others have to keep going my katie fought cancer and i was so proud of her courage and how strong she was as much as i feel i cant go on it would be an insult to her fight to just give up.stay strong bill we all greive diffrently but your right time as a healer sucks.
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Life Does Stink Sometimesallan12 said:life stinks
when i used to say the other half refering to my fiance i did not realise how spot on it was.the clock still ticks and the days go by if it werent for my kids i,d still be in bed in denial but i know she,d kick my arse in fact i hear and feel her all the time when i leave stuff lying around i go back put it away and say sorry babe, being without her rips me in two but as much as it sucks you and me and all the others have to keep going my katie fought cancer and i was so proud of her courage and how strong she was as much as i feel i cant go on it would be an insult to her fight to just give up.stay strong bill we all greive diffrently but your right time as a healer sucks.
Life stinks and cancer sucks. We all know in our heads that life isn't fair. I told my sons that often enough when they were growing up You would have thought I knew it. The ups, downs, forwards, and backwards of grief are hard to navigate. There are no easy answers. Grief counseling helps some. Others need meds to make it through those first few months or longer. No one can say any magic words to help. Some people say all the wrong things. There is no normal, not even a new normal. I know none of this is news to you both. Time has given me some peace. I had a tough day on October 20. My mother had passed away a month before and Doug has been gone four years. I was blessed by a church full of people who rallied around me. Some took me to lunch; others just offered me hugs. Our sons called. The tears still came when I got home to an empty house. Yep, life stinks. On the other hand, I know how fortunate I was to have both of these two loved ones in my life. I remind myself that some never find the kind of love I did. I have been blessed in so many ways. If I had not known great love and happiness, I would not feel grief. Peace can be pretty allusive at times, but, most of the time, I have found it. Take care. Fay
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My wife and I had the same
My wife and I had the same doctors for many years.Now it's time for me to see a doctor for an yearly checkup. I cannot go back to these doctors after what happened to my wife.How they wasted time doing nothing when she was in terrible pain.I could never look at them again.I am driving two hours away to the hospital that found my wife's cancer.I am going there for another reason also,I am searching for something.I want to sit at the coffee shop in the lobby, as we would sit waiting for her radiation appointment.I want to go to shop at the food stores like we used to.My wife was a wonderful cook and she loved shopping at a fine food store. Going food shopping was the last time we were really out together, Even though she was in terrible pain all she cared about was bringing home good salad and bread and cheese to her friends here at home.That really blows me away how she cared about everyone else during this terrible time.That speaks volumes about her.I know this may be very hard on me, but its something I have to do. I do not know what I am looking for but I hope I fine it. Bill
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ThoughtsGriffon said:My wife and I had the same
My wife and I had the same doctors for many years.Now it's time for me to see a doctor for an yearly checkup. I cannot go back to these doctors after what happened to my wife.How they wasted time doing nothing when she was in terrible pain.I could never look at them again.I am driving two hours away to the hospital that found my wife's cancer.I am going there for another reason also,I am searching for something.I want to sit at the coffee shop in the lobby, as we would sit waiting for her radiation appointment.I want to go to shop at the food stores like we used to.My wife was a wonderful cook and she loved shopping at a fine food store. Going food shopping was the last time we were really out together, Even though she was in terrible pain all she cared about was bringing home good salad and bread and cheese to her friends here at home.That really blows me away how she cared about everyone else during this terrible time.That speaks volumes about her.I know this may be very hard on me, but its something I have to do. I do not know what I am looking for but I hope I fine it. Bill
Thoughts, prayers, and cyber hugs. I have often said if I can live as well as Doug died, I will be a good person. It sounds like you may have had a similar experience. Hope all goes well with your journey. Fay
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I am amazedGriffon said:My wife and I had the same
My wife and I had the same doctors for many years.Now it's time for me to see a doctor for an yearly checkup. I cannot go back to these doctors after what happened to my wife.How they wasted time doing nothing when she was in terrible pain.I could never look at them again.I am driving two hours away to the hospital that found my wife's cancer.I am going there for another reason also,I am searching for something.I want to sit at the coffee shop in the lobby, as we would sit waiting for her radiation appointment.I want to go to shop at the food stores like we used to.My wife was a wonderful cook and she loved shopping at a fine food store. Going food shopping was the last time we were really out together, Even though she was in terrible pain all she cared about was bringing home good salad and bread and cheese to her friends here at home.That really blows me away how she cared about everyone else during this terrible time.That speaks volumes about her.I know this may be very hard on me, but its something I have to do. I do not know what I am looking for but I hope I fine it. Bill
Bill:
I am amazed, and admire your strength! I really do. I would not be able to go back to places where I used to be with my lost one. Indeed, it's been 4 years since my Mom left me and I have not even walked on those streets where she turned around in her life. I just cannot do it. I am too weak. I know if I went somewhere where I would remember her I would fall apart again. It took 2 and a half years to 'glue myself together" again and this would be completely demolished if I ever went to those places/streets where she used to turn around. I'm just too weak, I guess. But you are so strong, I envy you. As your wife, my Mom was also like your wife, always put everyone before herself. Her life priority was to care about others and help them in any ways possible. My hope to you is that you stay strong, and that you'll realize that your wife did not leave forever. She's recovering from her pain, but in no time she'll come back in your heart and you'll never feel alone again. She'll give you advices on how to continue your path because she loves you and wants the best for you and wants you to be happy. You just have to be patient. I am not religious (although I don't judge people who are- that is good for them) but I will cross my fingers for you! Please come back here anytime you want to leave a message whether it's some good news, or a laughing one, or a sad one. This site is amazing, you'll find a "family" and will feel not that alone. I have my "family" here now...
Please take care, Bill!
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grandmafay and bill.grandmafay said:Life Does Stink Sometimes
Life stinks and cancer sucks. We all know in our heads that life isn't fair. I told my sons that often enough when they were growing up You would have thought I knew it. The ups, downs, forwards, and backwards of grief are hard to navigate. There are no easy answers. Grief counseling helps some. Others need meds to make it through those first few months or longer. No one can say any magic words to help. Some people say all the wrong things. There is no normal, not even a new normal. I know none of this is news to you both. Time has given me some peace. I had a tough day on October 20. My mother had passed away a month before and Doug has been gone four years. I was blessed by a church full of people who rallied around me. Some took me to lunch; others just offered me hugs. Our sons called. The tears still came when I got home to an empty house. Yep, life stinks. On the other hand, I know how fortunate I was to have both of these two loved ones in my life. I remind myself that some never find the kind of love I did. I have been blessed in so many ways. If I had not known great love and happiness, I would not feel grief. Peace can be pretty allusive at times, but, most of the time, I have found it. Take care. Fay
what you say is true and your possitive words have made me try to look at things diffrently on times so thank you for that, but the problem with time is it fly,s when your having fun and when your not its like someone keeps pushing rewind pause and fast forward at the same time,sorry to sound neg just cant believe so many cliches are actually true.and all the best going to the hospital bill.
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My trip back
My trip back was a lot harder then I thought it would be.As soon as I turned the car back in the direction for that two hour trip all the memories good and bad came rushing back. For two hours all I could do was keep going over in my head what had happened to her.It seems that when you are alone in a car with your thoughts,that's a tough place to be.It got better once I got there, I sat at food of all nations a fine food store that she loved to shop at.I sat at the coffee shop like we used to and looked at the empty chair across from me wishing that she was there. I went to whole foods and then to Giant and sat in the parking lot and was crying, it all became too much. I realized just how alone I am now, not only losing my beautiful wife, but my best friend also. I am always asking if I can have ten more seconds with her to tell her I love her again.But I do realize how lucky I was to be her husband for twenty five years, I just want some more time. Take care of your selfs, your friend Bill.
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Griffon said:
My trip back
My trip back was a lot harder then I thought it would be.As soon as I turned the car back in the direction for that two hour trip all the memories good and bad came rushing back. For two hours all I could do was keep going over in my head what had happened to her.It seems that when you are alone in a car with your thoughts,that's a tough place to be.It got better once I got there, I sat at food of all nations a fine food store that she loved to shop at.I sat at the coffee shop like we used to and looked at the empty chair across from me wishing that she was there. I went to whole foods and then to Giant and sat in the parking lot and was crying, it all became too much. I realized just how alone I am now, not only losing my beautiful wife, but my best friend also. I am always asking if I can have ten more seconds with her to tell her I love her again.But I do realize how lucky I was to be her husband for twenty five years, I just want some more time. Take care of your selfs, your friend Bill.
I wish there were visiting hours in Heaven.....:*( And you know, I often fantasize too to have one day, just one day again with my lost one....I often sit and wonder if I'll ever hear a tap on the window....to let her in. I guess that's what we all do. We dream and fantasize about them, and always and always hope that somehow we will meet them again. That this is a temporary phase and we'll meet them. I know, I do. People forget to tell us how incredibly long until our lost loved ones die in our heart too. Hang in there, Bill. And know, what you are feeling, and what you are dreaming....we all dream the same on this board. And maybe we'll meet our loved ones later down the road...maybe in another 20 years from now...maybe...:/ I'm sorry I cannot give you such a smart, and sweet answer...I'm in a constant battle with my feelings, my heart, and my head. I haven't been able to synchronize them just yet. One step at a time...it'll work! Our loved ones want to see us happy....and we will be....for them!
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MemoriesGriffon said:My trip back
My trip back was a lot harder then I thought it would be.As soon as I turned the car back in the direction for that two hour trip all the memories good and bad came rushing back. For two hours all I could do was keep going over in my head what had happened to her.It seems that when you are alone in a car with your thoughts,that's a tough place to be.It got better once I got there, I sat at food of all nations a fine food store that she loved to shop at.I sat at the coffee shop like we used to and looked at the empty chair across from me wishing that she was there. I went to whole foods and then to Giant and sat in the parking lot and was crying, it all became too much. I realized just how alone I am now, not only losing my beautiful wife, but my best friend also. I am always asking if I can have ten more seconds with her to tell her I love her again.But I do realize how lucky I was to be her husband for twenty five years, I just want some more time. Take care of your selfs, your friend Bill.
Memories, both, good and bad, remind us of what we are missing. As if we needed reminders! Crying is not a bad thing. It is part of the grieving process. Visiting some places we went together still can bring tears to my eyes. Unlike some, returning to church where my husband's memorial service has never bothered me until recently after my mother passed away. It is my church home, I'm part of the leadership, and it has been an important part of my healing. Now, I look at the pew seats next to me and feel alone in a crowd of people. i know I will move past this and have shared my feelings with others. Both Mom and my husband were members of the church and attended regularly. Even four years out, I am being surprised by the little things that hit me.
You mentioned that you would have liked more time. We were married 42 years, and I can assure you that there is never enough time. I do feel my husband's presence at times, usually when I do something stupid or am worrying about some small thing. As I have said here before, he often told me to just let things go, and I try. I hear him in my head saying, " Just let it go dear, just let it go." It was his way of reminding me that time was too precious to waste on the little things. Knowing his time was short, he didn't want me wasting mine.
ok, enough from me. I don't have any words of wisdom, just words. Take care, Fay
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sat here alone thought idGriffon said:My trip back
My trip back was a lot harder then I thought it would be.As soon as I turned the car back in the direction for that two hour trip all the memories good and bad came rushing back. For two hours all I could do was keep going over in my head what had happened to her.It seems that when you are alone in a car with your thoughts,that's a tough place to be.It got better once I got there, I sat at food of all nations a fine food store that she loved to shop at.I sat at the coffee shop like we used to and looked at the empty chair across from me wishing that she was there. I went to whole foods and then to Giant and sat in the parking lot and was crying, it all became too much. I realized just how alone I am now, not only losing my beautiful wife, but my best friend also. I am always asking if I can have ten more seconds with her to tell her I love her again.But I do realize how lucky I was to be her husband for twenty five years, I just want some more time. Take care of your selfs, your friend Bill.
sat here alone thought id check on this bored your feelings mirror mine loosing your best freind and lover is unbearable i think if it werent for the kids id stop functioning all together.i come on here to make me realise that im not alone greif must be the most selfish emotion ever yet cant stop feeling the way i do,glad you got through your ordeal and that everything was ok with your check up.g.fay is right 14yrs 25yrs 40yrs its never enough good luck to you and everyone else
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Thanksgiving
I really did not think much about Thanksgiving coming up this week, until I started thinking about it. I usually only get that day off and I remember how when I got up I would come into the kitchen and Montrue would already be at work in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner. The Macys Thanksgiving Day parade would be on and I would help her with the green beans, and lifting the turkey into the oven. Now I realize how terrible this Thursday is going to be. It has already brought me to tears thinking how no longer well we have those late night turkey sandwichs that was so special every year. I hope this week goes better for everyone, I know it's going to be a bad one for me. Bill
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Holidays Are Especially ToughGriffon said:Thanksgiving
I really did not think much about Thanksgiving coming up this week, until I started thinking about it. I usually only get that day off and I remember how when I got up I would come into the kitchen and Montrue would already be at work in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner. The Macys Thanksgiving Day parade would be on and I would help her with the green beans, and lifting the turkey into the oven. Now I realize how terrible this Thursday is going to be. It has already brought me to tears thinking how no longer well we have those late night turkey sandwichs that was so special every year. I hope this week goes better for everyone, I know it's going to be a bad one for me. Bill
For 40+ years, Ron was the "Chief Cook" & I was the "Bottle Washer". Thanksgiving was always special as he made "Ron's Turkey"(I even have a printed recipe). I would come up with the sides & dessert. As you say Bill, lots of late night turkey sandwiches, too.
I remember last year when he was so sick he could barely sit up, yet he sat with my son & I in the kitchen instructing us to make the perfect meal, when in fact, he couldn't even eat any of it. But he was not to be deterred.
This year, I simply could not face the thought of "Ron's Turkey" & can find little to be thankful for with the exception of my daughter's winning her latest skirmish in her battle against the StageIV Colon Cancer which she has now been engaged in for more than 5 years. So, I merely picked up a ham & some trimmings for my son, grandson, & I. For the three of us, it will probably be nothing more than a dinner together, which, in itself, is a rarity.
We spent last Christmas in the hospital & although I put up a few decorations & purchased even fewer gifts, there was no joy. Again there will be no joy. I may talk myself into again putting up the tiny pre-lit tree which I gifted long distance to Ron in 2008 when I was across the country helping my daughter during early treatments. But sadly, there will be no gifts. I barely meet expenses now, much less afford gifts. But perhaps the tree & a few of my coveted decorations will brighten the place & my attitude.
Luv,
Wolfen
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Holidayswolfen said:Holidays Are Especially Tough
For 40+ years, Ron was the "Chief Cook" & I was the "Bottle Washer". Thanksgiving was always special as he made "Ron's Turkey"(I even have a printed recipe). I would come up with the sides & dessert. As you say Bill, lots of late night turkey sandwiches, too.
I remember last year when he was so sick he could barely sit up, yet he sat with my son & I in the kitchen instructing us to make the perfect meal, when in fact, he couldn't even eat any of it. But he was not to be deterred.
This year, I simply could not face the thought of "Ron's Turkey" & can find little to be thankful for with the exception of my daughter's winning her latest skirmish in her battle against the StageIV Colon Cancer which she has now been engaged in for more than 5 years. So, I merely picked up a ham & some trimmings for my son, grandson, & I. For the three of us, it will probably be nothing more than a dinner together, which, in itself, is a rarity.
We spent last Christmas in the hospital & although I put up a few decorations & purchased even fewer gifts, there was no joy. Again there will be no joy. I may talk myself into again putting up the tiny pre-lit tree which I gifted long distance to Ron in 2008 when I was across the country helping my daughter during early treatments. But sadly, there will be no gifts. I barely meet expenses now, much less afford gifts. But perhaps the tree & a few of my coveted decorations will brighten the place & my attitude.
Luv,
Wolfen
My first Holliday season was very foggy. I even ran my car into the side of my garage On Christmas Eve. Still not sure how I did that. I'm trying to look at the blessing of the season this year. Not always easy. I do enjoy spending times with sons and their families. I love being with The grandchildren. Those family gatherings always remind me that someone is missing, though. A friend at church who is facing her second Holliday season without her spouse said she thought this year was harder. Maybe that's because the fog has cleared. It is a hard time. Hang in there everyone. We are not alone. Take care, Fay
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I push the "ignore" buttongrandmafay said:Holidays
My first Holliday season was very foggy. I even ran my car into the side of my garage On Christmas Eve. Still not sure how I did that. I'm trying to look at the blessing of the season this year. Not always easy. I do enjoy spending times with sons and their families. I love being with The grandchildren. Those family gatherings always remind me that someone is missing, though. A friend at church who is facing her second Holliday season without her spouse said she thought this year was harder. Maybe that's because the fog has cleared. It is a hard time. Hang in there everyone. We are not alone. Take care, Fay
I push the "ignore" button whenever Thanskgiving, or Christmas or anything like this comes up. I don't celebrate it, and I hate all the decorations that go with them. I have nothing to be thankful for, and don't even try. I usually just spend these days as no other. Studying, surfing the web when I am allowed, or just play with the others. Maybe I'm actually luckier than many of you. I have a ton of other kids whom I can play with. They are in the same shoe as I am, so we don't even have to talk about how crap our life is. We just know. Obviously, it is not the same reason but the outcome is the same. But yes, that is what I can recommend to you all who feel alone. Just go watch TV, surf the web and pretend there's no Thanksgiving, there's no Christmas. o.O Hang in there Bill! She sees you! Don't make her feel sad.
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To you, Bill!sharpy102 said:I push the "ignore" button
I push the "ignore" button whenever Thanskgiving, or Christmas or anything like this comes up. I don't celebrate it, and I hate all the decorations that go with them. I have nothing to be thankful for, and don't even try. I usually just spend these days as no other. Studying, surfing the web when I am allowed, or just play with the others. Maybe I'm actually luckier than many of you. I have a ton of other kids whom I can play with. They are in the same shoe as I am, so we don't even have to talk about how crap our life is. We just know. Obviously, it is not the same reason but the outcome is the same. But yes, that is what I can recommend to you all who feel alone. Just go watch TV, surf the web and pretend there's no Thanksgiving, there's no Christmas. o.O Hang in there Bill! She sees you! Don't make her feel sad.
I know this is a hard time for you, Thanksgiving. You may feel it's all worthless. But remember: your wife wants you to be happy! She wants to see how you're going and going and keep going....And don't forget, you'll pass this phase...just keep going! Please take care of yourself this Thanksgiving! Cook a small meal for yourself, if you drink wine, get one that you used to drink with your wife, take out her photo and place it on the table as you're consuming your meal. Talk to her, let her know that it is Thanksgiving, and although she's gone but you still know you could celebrate Thanksgiving because you definitely have something to be thankful for. Having her for so long by your side!!! That's more than plenty to be thankful for! Celebrate this with her!! Take care!
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I've read this thread a few
I've read this thread a few times now and Griffon reminds my of myself. I lost my wife of 15 years to Leiomyosarcoma on Dec 14. She was diagnosed 5 years ago and underwent several surgeries for reoccurring tumors in her lungs.We were also told there was no cure. After returning home from Mexico at the end of April this year she went in for another scan. The scan showed fast growing tumors in both lungs along with 2 tumors on her pancreas.That was in May of this year. She refused further treatment due to the high risk and I agreed with her. I didn't want her in any hospital if at all possible.By the end of June she was having a harder time walking. I'd have to pull her legs up into the SUV.She always wanted a convertible to drive. So I bought her one. She drove it several times, top down and then only rode as passenger. She stopped be able to get out of the house around Sept-Oct. She had to use a walker and then she used her computer chair to roll from her hospital bed in the living room to the dining room where her PC was.We helped her out of bed to use a commode. We had her best friend staying with us to help and she was needed. Hospice provided all of her equipment and a nurse several times a week. My wife never complained or felt sorry for herself. She knew how it would end and she was more concerned for me & her girlfriend.One morning about 2 weeks before she passed away she woke up bright and alert.She asked for 1 egg and 2 sausgages, a real change from her usual 1/2 slice of toast.After that she asked for the phone and I asked who she was calling. She answered me that she was calling family & friends ro say goodbye to them. I was floored.She actually cared so much to call them and say gooddbye.She knew she had limited time.
I was by her side holding her hand went she left us. I was totally crushed. I feel very fortunate to have been able to have kept her at home the whole time. I also feel honored to have been by her side when she left. I hope it made her feel safe & unafraid. She hated the pain and now she has none but I miss her so much. I'd give everything to have 10 more minutes with her but I know that would never be enough time.
Since then I've had so much trouble coping with her loss. I can't think straight sometimes.I talk to her in the car and at home. I think the mornings are worse for me. I usually wake up and start sobbing a short while later. MY grief has changed, I think I have some limited control. She was such a strong person and I liked that. We were very deeply in love , even after 15 years. She left me a letter that after reading it made me understand the depth of her love. While at home we had many long talks about the things we'd done in the past and places we had been and how much she loved me. I feel very lucky for that. I think it helped resolve any issues we may have had. She always told me she loved me forever and I'd always reply forever is a long itme. She'd reply yes but it's never long enough with you. I have so many wonderful memories I feel blessed. We were a couple...we were a kewt couple. Now there is no more couple and I feel lost and alone. Sometimes I wish someone would hold me and stroke my hair and tell me it'll be alright like a small child.
I see a grief counsellor about once every 2 weeks and plan on taking part in weekly grief sessions with other people that have had a loss. I'm fortunate in having a network of friends to fall back on and my kids have been great.They usually call me 1 or 2 times a day. I don't ever want to forget my wife but I can't function in this state of mind. I've lost other people in my life , family members,aunts uncles, lovers but nothing at all shines a light to the grief I feel losing my precious wife,my princess.
I'm sorry for the long post. I had many tears typing this out.
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Doug LDoug L said:I've read this thread a few
I've read this thread a few times now and Griffon reminds my of myself. I lost my wife of 15 years to Leiomyosarcoma on Dec 14. She was diagnosed 5 years ago and underwent several surgeries for reoccurring tumors in her lungs.We were also told there was no cure. After returning home from Mexico at the end of April this year she went in for another scan. The scan showed fast growing tumors in both lungs along with 2 tumors on her pancreas.That was in May of this year. She refused further treatment due to the high risk and I agreed with her. I didn't want her in any hospital if at all possible.By the end of June she was having a harder time walking. I'd have to pull her legs up into the SUV.She always wanted a convertible to drive. So I bought her one. She drove it several times, top down and then only rode as passenger. She stopped be able to get out of the house around Sept-Oct. She had to use a walker and then she used her computer chair to roll from her hospital bed in the living room to the dining room where her PC was.We helped her out of bed to use a commode. We had her best friend staying with us to help and she was needed. Hospice provided all of her equipment and a nurse several times a week. My wife never complained or felt sorry for herself. She knew how it would end and she was more concerned for me & her girlfriend.One morning about 2 weeks before she passed away she woke up bright and alert.She asked for 1 egg and 2 sausgages, a real change from her usual 1/2 slice of toast.After that she asked for the phone and I asked who she was calling. She answered me that she was calling family & friends ro say goodbye to them. I was floored.She actually cared so much to call them and say gooddbye.She knew she had limited time.
I was by her side holding her hand went she left us. I was totally crushed. I feel very fortunate to have been able to have kept her at home the whole time. I also feel honored to have been by her side when she left. I hope it made her feel safe & unafraid. She hated the pain and now she has none but I miss her so much. I'd give everything to have 10 more minutes with her but I know that would never be enough time.
Since then I've had so much trouble coping with her loss. I can't think straight sometimes.I talk to her in the car and at home. I think the mornings are worse for me. I usually wake up and start sobbing a short while later. MY grief has changed, I think I have some limited control. She was such a strong person and I liked that. We were very deeply in love , even after 15 years. She left me a letter that after reading it made me understand the depth of her love. While at home we had many long talks about the things we'd done in the past and places we had been and how much she loved me. I feel very lucky for that. I think it helped resolve any issues we may have had. She always told me she loved me forever and I'd always reply forever is a long itme. She'd reply yes but it's never long enough with you. I have so many wonderful memories I feel blessed. We were a couple...we were a kewt couple. Now there is no more couple and I feel lost and alone. Sometimes I wish someone would hold me and stroke my hair and tell me it'll be alright like a small child.
I see a grief counsellor about once every 2 weeks and plan on taking part in weekly grief sessions with other people that have had a loss. I'm fortunate in having a network of friends to fall back on and my kids have been great.They usually call me 1 or 2 times a day. I don't ever want to forget my wife but I can't function in this state of mind. I've lost other people in my life , family members,aunts uncles, lovers but nothing at all shines a light to the grief I feel losing my precious wife,my princess.
I'm sorry for the long post. I had many tears typing this out.
Dear Doug, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife.I have read your post a few times which has brought tears to my eyes. I love that you bought her the convertible. She must of loved going for a ride. I am really glad that you had time to be with your wife so you could have those long talks. I was with my wife also, but she was really unable to talk because of all the meds.I did all the talking and I am sure under her breath she was saying oh my god shut up.I am still having a very hard time dealing with losing her. I really do not want to live like this without her.I was off from work this week and it was very difficult being home.I really think it has set me back, because I am very depressed now without much hope for some kinda life without her.Just like you I talk to my wife all the time,I have blown up pictures of her in our house and I sit there every night and talk to her.It sounds like you have good support from friends and family, I am gald, that will help during this terrible time.I wish I could give you some good advice,but I cannot because I am having a very hard time also.Just remember you are not alone and if you need a friend I am here for you.Take care of yourself and your family. Bill
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Trying to cope with this terrible lifeGriffon said:Doug L
Dear Doug, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife.I have read your post a few times which has brought tears to my eyes. I love that you bought her the convertible. She must of loved going for a ride. I am really glad that you had time to be with your wife so you could have those long talks. I was with my wife also, but she was really unable to talk because of all the meds.I did all the talking and I am sure under her breath she was saying oh my god shut up.I am still having a very hard time dealing with losing her. I really do not want to live like this without her.I was off from work this week and it was very difficult being home.I really think it has set me back, because I am very depressed now without much hope for some kinda life without her.Just like you I talk to my wife all the time,I have blown up pictures of her in our house and I sit there every night and talk to her.It sounds like you have good support from friends and family, I am gald, that will help during this terrible time.I wish I could give you some good advice,but I cannot because I am having a very hard time also.Just remember you are not alone and if you need a friend I am here for you.Take care of yourself and your family. Bill
It's now almost 8 months since my beautiful wife has died. I cannot believe it has been that long since I have seen her. Time has not healed that terrible pain I feel that makes me cry and scream out her name. Knowing that I am going to have to be alone for the rest of my life without her is a future I do not want. Facing everyday life with the problems that come with it has become very difficult. Life keeps moving, but has left me behind. I do not want to move on, I do not want to ever forget. I sometimes realize when I am walking in a store that people see me and I have a very angry look on my face. It's only because I am very unhappy, I cannot put on a happy face and tell people I am ok. They might not understand, but my life sucks. I hope you are all doing better then me. Bill
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