Being married improves cancer survivorship

LaCh said:

stats are only stats

I'm single, not looking, and cured. No one helped during treatments; I got through it alone.  I don't recommend it, but neither do I not recommend it. You do what you need to do with whatever situation you have. Looking for cause and effect, the "I'm ok because [whatever--I'm married, single, eat meat, don't eat meat, am old, young--whatever] will only go so far. Sometimes, although you might want to know the whys of the thing, or feel that you're in an advantageous situaion because you're married (or single) you can't know, and those ruminations are simpy an excercise in rationalization.  All you can do is deal with whatever problem is placed before you, and move through it and if you're lucky, past it, with someone at your side, with no one at your side, with whatever situation you're in. Everybody "gets" something, the only question is how one deals with it; how one comports onself during it.  There're no safety nets (diet, life style, marital status) and unfortunately, often, no answers.  To seek them might not be the best expenditure of time. This is my opinion. 

Hi, nice to hear from you. Its as though you overheard me today......just this afternoon when someone who I didn't feel like having a long involved conversation with asked how I ever handled such a rough few years I said almost exactly as you worded it,"you do what you need to do with whatever situation you have" but I said, "you're dealt."

Stay well.

eihtak said:

LaCh......

Hi, nice to hear from you. Its as though you overheard me today......just this afternoon when someone who I didn't feel like having a long involved conversation with asked how I ever handled such a rough few years I said almost exactly as you worded it,"you do what you need to do with whatever situation you have" but I said, "you're dealt."

Stay well.

 

That's really nice, thank you, I sincerely appreciate your warm welcome. I made several comments during treatments that weren't well received and got flak for them and it wore thin after a while, so I'm grateful for the dissenting voices. So really, my sincere thanks to you and to RoseC. I haven't been logging on lately and probably won't very much, since my reason for joining in the first place was for information during treatments, and those are over.  I'm always eager to help other people, whatever the situation or need, but there are more than enough people on this forum to do that and one more isn't necessary. As I always said, once it's  (the cancer) is in the rear view mirror, I'm driving away, and it is and I have (dropping a clanging hubcap and various other parts along the way in the form of treatment side effects, but it's too late to change that, so I keep on driving.) I logged on yesterday on a whim, just a spur of the moment thing. I probably should clarify something about what I said though. Of course, we all have to play the cards that we're dealt, with whatever advantages or disadvantages we feel that we have, and try to do it with as much grace and consideration for others as possible, and that's true for whatever we encounter in life, not just cancer. But being single is a choice I made, it isn't a situation that I'm making the best of.  Being alone presented some problems during treatments that I wouldn't have had if there'd been someone here with me, (and it also had some very real advantages) but at no point did I wish that I were married or even that there was anyone here.  Being single isn't one of those things that I deal with as best I can. Being single is what I chose and continue to choose because it's what I want, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Inconvenient? Occasionally. But convenience isn't a real good reason to be in a relationship.  For those who desire marriage or an intimate relationship and aren't in one, and who also end up with cancer or some other challenge, I think that those stats (marriage=better outcome) can have a negative affect on mood, expectation, and outcome, which was why I posted my comment yesterday. Ok, stats say [fill in the blank]...  but I'm also here to say that stats don't say everything about everybody and that if you're not not married or in a relationship and end up with a tumor in your butt, you can also end up with a cure. I'll also say that luck, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder, but unlike beauty, the beholder is you. I consider myself to have had a ridiculously lucky life. I am very lucky. Other people  might look at the cirsumstances of my life over the last 60 years (and I'm not even including cancer) and say, "Wow, you've had some tough circumstances." So who gets to decide? I do. I have been crazy lucky and I really don't know why some people are and some people aren't, because there really are some very unlucky people in this world; the poor, the indigent, the voiceless, people in third world countries, oppressive countries...the list is very very long. But me? Jeeze, I've been crazy lucky. So someone told me the other day, "Some people wouldn't see it like that, they'd say you haven't been so lucky," and my response was, "They aren't the one's who can make that determination. That'd be like me saying 'I'm very content,' and them saying 'No, you're not.'"  So luck and contentment are subjective determinations, and the only ones--the only one-- who determines those things is the person who bears those labels.  Me. You. Everybody decides for him or herself.  Be well eihtak and thanks again for your warm words of welcome.

LaCh said:

hey eihtak

That's really nice, thank you, I sincerely appreciate your warm welcome. I made several comments during treatments that weren't well received and got flak for them and it wore thin after a while, so I'm grateful for the dissenting voices. So really, my sincere thanks to you and to RoseC. I haven't been logging on lately and probably won't very much, since my reason for joining in the first place was for information during treatments, and those are over.  I'm always eager to help other people, whatever the situation or need, but there are more than enough people on this forum to do that and one more isn't necessary. As I always said, once it's  (the cancer) is in the rear view mirror, I'm driving away, and it is and I have (dropping a clanging hubcap and various other parts along the way in the form of treatment side effects, but it's too late to change that, so I keep on driving.) I logged on yesterday on a whim, just a spur of the moment thing. I probably should clarify something about what I said though. Of course, we all have to play the cards that we're dealt, with whatever advantages or disadvantages we feel that we have, and try to do it with as much grace and consideration for others as possible, and that's true for whatever we encounter in life, not just cancer. But being single is a choice I made, it isn't a situation that I'm making the best of.  Being alone presented some problems during treatments that I wouldn't have had if there'd been someone here with me, (and it also had some very real advantages) but at no point did I wish that I were married or even that there was anyone here.  Being single isn't one of those things that I deal with as best I can. Being single is what I chose and continue to choose because it's what I want, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Inconvenient? Occasionally. But convenience isn't a real good reason to be in a relationship.  For those who desire marriage or an intimate relationship and aren't in one, and who also end up with cancer or some other challenge, I think that those stats (marriage=better outcome) can have a negative affect on mood, expectation, and outcome, which was why I posted my comment yesterday. Ok, stats say [fill in the blank]...  but I'm also here to say that stats don't say everything about everybody and that if you're not not married or in a relationship and end up with a tumor in your butt, you can also end up with a cure. I'll also say that luck, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder, but unlike beauty, the beholder is you. I consider myself to have had a ridiculously lucky life. I am very lucky. Other people  might look at the cirsumstances of my life over the last 60 years (and I'm not even including cancer) and say, "Wow, you've had some tough circumstances." So who gets to decide? I do. I have been crazy lucky and I really don't know why some people are and some people aren't, because there really are some very unlucky people in this world; the poor, the indigent, the voiceless, people in third world countries, oppressive countries...the list is very very long. But me? Jeeze, I've been crazy lucky. So someone told me the other day, "Some people wouldn't see it like that, they'd say you haven't been so lucky," and my response was, "They aren't the one's who can make that determination. That'd be like me saying 'I'm very content,' and them saying 'No, you're not.'"  So luck and contentment are subjective determinations, and the only ones--the only one-- who determines those things is the person who bears those labels.  Me. You. Everybody decides for him or herself.  Be well eihtak and thanks again for your warm words of welcome.

lach,  you express yourself so well..... i do appreciate every word that you say..... check in again after a while..... it helps......your thoughts made me look at how fortunate i am..... i know that it could be soooooo much worse.......  thanks.....sephie

sephie said:

great post

lach,  you express yourself so well..... i do appreciate every word that you say..... check in again after a while..... it helps......your thoughts made me look at how fortunate i am..... i know that it could be soooooo much worse.......  thanks.....sephie

Thanks Sephie, really, I sincerely thank you.  I don't pontificate on what others should do, or how others should feel, or at least I try not to (I suppose I succeed sometimes and fail sometimes, but I try not to). My take on things is solely my own and it would be a bit arrogant of me to tell someone else how they should feel or how they ought to view things. This is just what I do; it works for me and it feels right for me, but that's just me.  I'm keenly aware of how good I have it, and how so many people don't.  Why that is, I have no idea (but it's not for lack of trying to understand how that works).  Just like no one can look at my life, that might not seem all that great to someone else, and tell me, "No, you're not content," when I say that I am, I can't (or shouldn't) tell anyone else, "Hey, you know what, your life could be worse." Those are assessments that only the person can make for him or herself, but I do think that a broader view can be useful.  Everybody has more than someone else, more money, more intelligence, more health, more patience, more opportuity. Everybody also has less of those things; there are people who have less than me and people who have more, whatever measure you use.  But life might not be all that enviable to someone else, by my own measure, as I said, I've been stupidly, crazily lucky and I have no idea why.  Maybe one day I'll figure it out, but as of today, I have no clue. But I'm glad for it : ) I feel lucky that I'm so lucky.