Try to cope with the loss

Hello, I'm so sorry for your lost.  Your words explain how much you love your wife.  I would think your wife loves you the same.  On that note, she would probably want you to live your life and be happy.  Your dogs and house need you right now and you must stay here and live out your life with them. 

I am alone and have been since 1994, I am used to being alone and have many friends and pets.  I know losing someone so close must be so difficult.  One day at a time you must proceed and talk to your wife for guidance, I think she will come through and you'll know what she wants you to do.  I wish you well.

I hope you will put your post in the grief and berevement discussion area, as there are many there who will help you.

Lori

Griffon said:

Dennycee reply

 Dear Dennycee, Thank you for your reply,I cannot imagine what you have been through with your mom and now what you yourself  are going through.Your right about what your family members would be thinking,because that's all I think about now.Last night I could not sleep and felt terrible because all I could see when I thought of my wife was how she looked in the bed trying to fight that terrible cancer.I sat where she past away and told her how sorry I was for all the pain she went through and I how much I loved her.The nights are pretty bad here.Your right about the dogs,they do miss her.They just look at me and are asking where is she what happened.I know you have been through  a lot of heartache and pain  a lot more then me.But if you need something,or just need a friend I will be here. Bill

Griffon,

I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, am just beginning this precarious journey of grief. I lost my husband of 40+ years on May 5 of this year. While searching for other online grief support groups, I ran across this, which in my opinion, speaks volumes.

You are not alone. I discovered that Hospice Of The Valley, who provided comfort and support for my husband and family in his final hours, has an online group filled with others just like us who are lost, confused, & hurting. You might consider reading & joining some of the posts there.

They say it will get "better" in time. I don't find myself better, but each of us will have their own timeline. Just as cancer patients adapt to their "new" normal, so must we. I believe that it is what our spouses would want.

Wolfen

Unique And Devastating Loss(by Wifeless)

With the death of our spouse (which here includes fiancée, significant other,
partner, etc.), we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely
loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We
grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt
the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human
bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the
ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The
one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend
and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended
on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us
as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared
private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.

But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life,
as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse,
and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as
well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them.
The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership
we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced.
The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The
loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned.

Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we
never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival,
increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional
challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We
must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine
our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new
network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To
formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.

And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while
suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back.
Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death,
either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further
endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to
forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.

And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in
the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most
insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted
we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed
to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who,
just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral
support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to
complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.

Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For
nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other.
And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one
other death only. Ours.

Griffon said:

Wolfen

Dear Wolfen,Thank you for your reply, that was beautifully written and how true it is.I thought today was going to be a better day,so I stopped by a friends house.My friend is battling cancer also but having better luck keeping it at bay for now.My wife used to stop over to their house and help them deal with it before her cancer made her so sick.She and her husband were having a disagreement over something trivial.As I sat there I realized that I will not ever have that again.Never will my wife and I disagree about something in our lives.I started to feel very sad and had to leave,as I drove through town back to our house I felt very lost in my own town.Very lost in life,very lost without my wife.  Bill

The world is not the same place it was before your wife died.  Where before there was safety, now it feels threatening.  Where there was companionship, there is loneliness.  Where before you were part of a unit, you are alone.  Your world has, indeed, changed and right now it feels like not for the better.  About the only positive that has happened, so far, is your wife is no longer in pain and that is cold comfort in the middle of the night.

Cancer patients often discuss finding a new normal after diagnosis and treatment.  Treatment is often physically debilitating and they must embrace all the nuances of change.  It isn't easy but because they are still alive, it must be done.

And so it is with you.  Just like the patients, grief is something you must go through.  They grieve the loss of their former selves: you are grieving the loss of your wife and neither type of grief is desirable nor easy.

Grief has many stages - Elizabeth Kubler Ross does an excellent job of describing them.  You can look her work up on line and you will find yourself, and everyone else who has suffered the loss of a loved one, described in detail.  I highly recommend everyone read this work - it is an insight into ourselves.

You are so early in the grieving process.  Unlike many spouses of cancer patients, you had little chance to do what is called anticipatory grieving - when a spouse is ill for a long time, there are preparations the mind makes even when we don't want it to that helps us prepare.  Your wife's death, and, thankfully, her suffering, was not as long as many others although that does not lessen its poignancy.

Be gentle with yourself, Bill.  Look for a grief support group, connect with friends as you are ready, exercise, get fresh air and sunshine.  You must grieve your loss in your own way.

Come back and let us know how you are doing.

Dear Griffon, I feel your loss..my husband John, 1 month ago was umpiring a baseball game..collapsed on the field..they couldnt bring him back..Im 48..had stage 3 breast cancer 5 yrs ago..was told i had 1 yr to live..now..my husband is gone & my 2 sons..15 & 17 are without their father..I lost my dad @ 19 to cancer & my mom died 4 yrs ago..I feel like you..so very lost...Im trying to live 1 day @ a time..very hard..I know I have to go thru all the stages..but maybe we could help each other by talking

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 42 years four years ago this October. You are just starting this grief journey. I can tell you, that for me, time has helped. That doesn't mean i am not still grieving, but the pain is less most of the time. Each of us has to find our own way to deal with the grief, and each of us must take our own time. I have learned to expect and accept the down times. They occur much less frequently now. Joining a grief group or finding a grief counselor can help you see that you are not alone in your feelings. many of us here have experienced the deep sadness that you now feel. Being alone was not in our plans. We were supposed to grow old together. We know in our hearts that our loved ones would want us to find happiness and not dwell on our loss, but it's hard. They were such a big part of our world we can't help but question how and why we are here without them. I don't know the answers. But here we are. Taking things one day at a time, or even one minute at a time isn't easy either, but sometimes that is what we have to do. Don't expect too much of yourself right now. Just do the best you can. My wish for you is that time helps you find some peace. Take care, Fay

Griffon said:

Pegalina loss

 I am so sorry to hear about your husband,I am sorry for all the pain you are going through.We are both lost in a world where our lives have stopped cold.For me the pain is constant,never ending,sick to my stomach everyday.Keep asking,why did she have to die.I cry everyday,just wanting to hold her hand again,or. Look into her beautiful blue eyes.I went back to work this week,very hard,people asking questions,hard to concentrate my mind always going back to my wife.I find my self very angry now,about what could of I done more to help her.I just do not feel that I did enough to help save her.The thought that she suffered in pain is a wound that cuts me to the core.That wound will never heal nor will I allow it to.I am still not sleeping,images of my wife in bed in pain always in my head.I cannot image what you are going through with such a sudden loss.I had three months but then I watched what that terrible disease was doing to my wonderful wife.I find comfort in talking to people who can understand your pain.So if you need a friend or just some one to talk I will be here.Take care of yourself  one day at a time Bill

Like everyone else here I have recently suffered a great loss of my daughter.  It is now six months and I still cry everyday and feel that anxious tingle in my chest.  Pains all over my  body from stress.  I thought in the beginning that I would lie down and die, but no, that is not what she would have wanted.  Also I don't want to die.  I must stress like the other survivors here that time does help.  Grandma Fay is wonderful with giving you advice.  Everyone who reads my post, please note that " TIME DOES HEAL"  THE HURT AND PAIN DOES SUBSIDE.  Oue wonderful God did not create us to just curl up and die, we have to move on and find some peace for ourselves.  I know it is easier said than done.  You will see in time how each day will bring you closer to less pain.  Shoulda, woulda, coulda just causes more pain,(I think we all go through this, blaming ourselves and thinking that we could have done better) you did your best and your wife knew that. 

You are doing great, it's a blessing that you still have a job and still have the strength to continue working even though it will be tough in the beginning.  Stand Firm and be kind to yourself.

Hi Griffon-

I think it’s useful to hear from another man on the issue of loss, because for most of us, as men, we grieve differently yet hurt just as much. I lost my wife 3 years ago to stage 4 colon cancer. We were married 32 years, and I still feel her loss.  Not as intense, but it’s still there. What I have found is the sun still comes up, the clothes still need to be washed, the roof needs to be replaced, and I still have (or get) to go to work every day. You may be retired, I am not sure, but what helped me was to get busy in some work project or find someone else who needs help-a grief support group and therapy was helpful for me. You may be experiencing a degree of survivor’s guilt because again, as men, the general expectation is that our wives will outlive us.

You will still grieve, cry, pound your fists against the wall, laugh, joke, then cry, get angry, miss her, even be angry at her for leaving you (I think what a lot of us don’t dare want to admit is that we may harbor some anger against our spouses for leaving us alone when it’s okay to acknowledge that feeling).

You will think about her every day. You will remember conversations you had, perhaps even feel some regret over an argument you wish you had not worked so hard to win, that it wasn’t worth it in the big picture. You will remember the love making, how perhaps over the years you took it for granted, and you will miss hearing her breathe next to you at night. You may likely relive the incident of her diagnosis and explore what you could have done differently.  You will smile when you remember a nuance of her behavior that was unique to her!

What I’m trying to convey is what you are feeling hurts, it’s hell, but necessary.  Cancer stinks, it’s not fair.  My suggestion is to find a support group for men who have lost their wife’s-hopefully there is one in your area. It helped me not to feel so alone in my pain.

You are in my thoughts and prayers

David

am new here lost my fiance on aug 07 2013 was togrther 14.5 years and have two kids, hope the site helps but just ended up crying my eyes out at other peoples struggles. not sitting at the family table and wanting her to come through the door and make tea in 20mins rather than my 2 hours i feel the same as you and struggle to see the point in anything and it rips me in two knowing  i have to keep functioning for my girls and pretend to be strong.the pain is unbearable but my heart keeps beating 

Griffon said:

Allan12 reply

Dear allan12, I am so sorry for your loss,I know the pain is terrible and life seems so cruel. I lost my wife three months ago to lung cancer.I am not the one to tell you things will get better, because my life sticks.I suffer everyday and do not want to live like this anymore. But you have two girls that need you, they will give you strenth to continue on even though your heart is broken.I still cry wanting her back,but I must take care of my family and home as she would want. All I am trying to say is you are not alone, if you need a friend I will be here.     bill

thanks bill this site seems easier than talking to freinds or family as i know they want me to move on and pick myself up but they dont get that im not wollowing in self pity im just lost and alone where  ive always had my kate to turn too and now i dont im sure you know how it feels.