Ever wonder how and why??

david54 · February 2013

Been awhile since I posted but I find myself drawn here from time to time. Each of you offer inspiration and posess courage and express your feelings so well-I want to thank you for that.

It has been about two and a half years since my wife died. There are still days when I wonder how? How could a woman who could run marathons, never smoked, rarely drank, ate like a rabbitt die of colon cancer? Makes no sense! I really find it a mystery. Talk about denial and survivors guilt all you want but I sometimes shake my head and am mystified at how life does not make sense and here I am. I guess there are days when I feel guilty, or wonder is she woudl approve of my life today. After 32 years of marriage I can't help but feel influenced by her memory. She was a strong woman, one day she ran 3 miles with me two days after chemotherapy!

Not really looking for answers, just sharing.

Thanks guys.

grandmafay · February 2013

Thanks

Thanks, David. I can certainly relate to your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes when I worry about some little thing, I still hear my husband telling me to let it go. one of the women at our church says she is a psyic, and tells me that she often sees my husband next to me or looking over my shoulder. In many ways he is. We were married for 42 years, twice as long as I was single. He was amazing and never asked why, at least not out loud. I asked why not me instead of him. I think most of us did. We'll forever miss them. Closure, for me, is not an option. I don't want to close off that part of my life. Acceptance is a hard fought battle at times, but I'm getting there. Fay

apajak6 · February 2013

Beautiful story. I feel like

Beautiful story. I feel like this is going to be a place for me to always come back to share as well. I just lost my mom to colon cancer and she was one of the healthiest women i knew. Her and my dad were going to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary this year so I knew he feels for you as well. Good luck with everything and you know she'll always be with you.

Tubbs · March 2013

Totally understand. I lost

Totally understand. I lost my wife about 4 months ago and I just don't get why she had to suffer so much, especially when I see others abusing themselves with booze or drugs or just not taking care of their body. I don't look for answers, necessarily, but I wonder why cancer took my wife after she tried to live so healthy and positively.

I also wonder if my wife approves of how I go about my days without her. Not that I'm doing anything 'wrong,' but I sometimes feel guilty if I don't think about her enough, whatever that is. I feel guilty in the morning when I wake up and she is the second, not the first thought of the day. Or when I forget to light a candle for her, as I do every day, after several hours have gone by.

And since I'm in my early-40s, I just don't know what to do about dating. Not that I want to or would be able to right now...I would be a social mess. But I would like to at least have a close female friend just to socialize with. I miss having female companionship, probably because I miss having my wife with me. Fortunately, several years ago after my wife was first diagnosed, she told me if she passed, she wanted me to grieve for a while then find somebody else. I didn't think much of it at the time because I wanted her to be positive and carry on WITH me. But I think of what she said to me and how much that has helped me. If the time ever comes where I do want to date or even settle down again, I will always think of her words.

The awful experience didn't end when my wife passed. It seems it's only gotten more complicated. Questions questions questions....

Tina Blondek · March 2013

Nice to See You!

Hi David and All,

March 9th will mark my dad's 3rd anniversary in Heaven. We miss him.

He crosses our minds daily. I keep the good memories, the happy times

most of all. Not the horrible battle with EC times. We do not want to have

him here suffering with his cancer. He no longer had a quality of life.

I talk to him often. I know he hears me. I tell him to show me a sign, he shows me

butterflies. Now everytime I see a butterfly, I think of my dad! You can all do this

as well. It is helpful. I know that I will see my dad again, as will you see your

loved ones. We will all live together in Heaven. You have to believe, you have

to have faith, you have to let Jesus into your heart. "Let Go, Let God." Hope

this helps. So happy to see you posting David. Hugs to you.

Tina in Va

Tina Blondek · March 2013