Ever wonder how and why??

Been awhile since I posted but I find myself drawn here from time to time. Each of you offer inspiration and posess courage and express your feelings so well-I want to thank you for that.

It has been about two and a half years since my wife died. There are still days when I wonder how? How could a woman who could run marathons, never smoked, rarely drank, ate like a rabbitt die of colon cancer? Makes no sense! I really find it a mystery. Talk about denial and survivors guilt all you want but I sometimes shake my head and am mystified at how life does not make sense and here I am. I guess there are days when I feel guilty, or wonder is she woudl approve of my life today. After 32 years of marriage I can't help but feel influenced by her memory. She was a strong woman, one day she ran 3 miles with me two days after chemotherapy!

Not really looking for answers, just sharing.

Thanks guys.

Comments

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633
    Thanks

    Thanks, David. I can certainly relate to your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes when I worry about some little thing, I still hear my husband telling me to let it go. one of the women at our church says she is a psyic, and tells me that she often sees my husband next to me or looking over my shoulder. In many ways he is. We were married for 42 years, twice as long as I was single. He was amazing and never asked why, at least not out loud. I asked why not me instead of him. I think most of us did. We'll forever miss them. Closure, for me, is not an option. I don't want to close off that part of my life. Acceptance is a hard fought battle at times, but I'm getting there. Fay

  • apajak6
    apajak6 Member Posts: 4
    Beautiful story. I feel like

    Beautiful story. I feel like this is going to be a place for me to always come back to share as well. I just lost my mom to colon cancer and she was one of the healthiest women i knew. Her and my dad were going to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary this year so I knew he feels for you as well. Good luck with everything and you know she'll always be with you. 

  • Tubbs
    Tubbs Member Posts: 51
    Totally understand.  I lost

    Totally understand.  I lost my wife about 4 months ago and I just don't get why she had to suffer so much, especially when I see others abusing themselves with booze or drugs or just not taking care of their body.  I don't look for answers, necessarily, but I wonder why cancer took my wife after she tried to live so healthy and positively. 

    I also wonder if my wife approves of how I go about my days without her.  Not that I'm doing anything 'wrong,' but I sometimes feel guilty if I don't think about her enough, whatever that is.  I feel guilty in the morning when I wake up and she is the second, not the first thought of the day.  Or when I forget to light a candle for her, as I do every day, after several hours have gone by.

    And since I'm in my early-40s, I just don't know what to do about dating.  Not that I want to or would be able to right now...I would be a social mess.  But I would like to at least have a close female friend just to socialize with.  I miss having female companionship, probably because I miss having my wife with me.  Fortunately, several years ago after my wife was first diagnosed, she told me if she passed, she wanted me to grieve for a while then find somebody else.  I didn't think much of it at the time because I wanted her to be positive and carry on WITH me.  But I think of what she said to me and how much that has helped me.  If the time ever comes where I do want to date or even settle down again, I will always think of her words.

    The awful experience didn't end when my wife passed.  It seems it's only gotten more complicated.  Questions questions questions....

  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    Nice to See You!

    Hi David and All,

    March 9th will mark my dad's 3rd anniversary in Heaven. We miss him.

    He crosses our minds daily. I keep the good memories, the happy times

    most of all. Not the horrible battle with EC times. We do not want to have

    him here suffering with his cancer. He no longer had a quality of life.

    I talk to him often. I know he hears me. I tell him to show me a sign, he shows me

    butterflies. Now everytime I see a butterfly, I think of my dad! You can all do this

    as well. It is helpful. I know that I will see my dad again, as will you see your

    loved ones. We will all live together in Heaven. You have to believe, you have

    to have faith, you have to let Jesus into your heart. "Let Go, Let God." Hope

    this helps. So happy to see you posting David. Hugs to you.

    Tina in Va

  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    Nice to See You!

    Hi David and All,

    March 9th will mark my dad's 3rd anniversary in Heaven. We miss him.

    He crosses our minds daily. I keep the good memories, the happy times

    most of all. Not the horrible battle with EC times. We do not want to have

    him here suffering with his cancer. He no longer had a quality of life.

    I talk to him often. I know he hears me. I tell him to show me a sign, he shows me

    butterflies. Now everytime I see a butterfly, I think of my dad! You can all do this

    as well. It is helpful. I know that I will see my dad again, as will you see your

    loved ones. We will all live together in Heaven. You have to believe, you have

    to have faith, you have to let Jesus into your heart. "Let Go, Let God." Hope

    this helps. So happy to see you posting David. Hugs to you.

    Tina in Va

  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    Nice to See You!

    Hi David and All,

    March 9th will mark my dad's 3rd anniversary in Heaven. We miss him.

    He crosses our minds daily. I keep the good memories, the happy times

    most of all. Not the horrible battle with EC times. We do not want to have

    him here suffering with his cancer. He no longer had a quality of life.

    I talk to him often. I know he hears me. I tell him to show me a sign, he shows me

    butterflies. Now everytime I see a butterfly, I think of my dad! You can all do this

    as well. It is helpful. I know that I will see my dad again, as will you see your

    loved ones. We will all live together in Heaven. You have to believe, you have

    to have faith, you have to let Jesus into your heart. "Let Go, Let God." Hope

    this helps. So happy to see you posting David. Hugs to you.

    Tina in Va

  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    Nice to See You!

    Hi David and All,

    March 9th will mark my dad's 3rd anniversary in Heaven. We miss him.

    He crosses our minds daily. I keep the good memories, the happy times

    most of all. Not the horrible battle with EC times. We do not want to have

    him here suffering with his cancer. He no longer had a quality of life.

    I talk to him often. I know he hears me. I tell him to show me a sign, he shows me

    butterflies. Now everytime I see a butterfly, I think of my dad! You can all do this

    as well. It is helpful. I know that I will see my dad again, as will you see your

    loved ones. We will all live together in Heaven. You have to believe, you have

    to have faith, you have to let Jesus into your heart. "Let Go, Let God." Hope

    this helps. So happy to see you posting David. Hugs to you.

    Tina in Va

  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member

    Nice to See You!

    Hi David and All,

    March 9th will mark my dad's 3rd anniversary in Heaven. We miss him.

    He crosses our minds daily. I keep the good memories, the happy times

    most of all. Not the horrible battle with EC times. We do not want to have

    him here suffering with his cancer. He no longer had a quality of life.

    I talk to him often. I know he hears me. I tell him to show me a sign, he shows me

    butterflies. Now everytime I see a butterfly, I think of my dad! You can all do this

    as well. It is helpful. I know that I will see my dad again, as will you see your

    loved ones. We will all live together in Heaven. You have to believe, you have

    to have faith, you have to let Jesus into your heart. "Let Go, Let God." Hope

    this helps. So happy to see you posting David. Hugs to you.

    Tina in Va

    OOOOPS!!!

    Sorry this posted 4 times!!!

    Tina in Va

  • mr steve
    mr steve Member Posts: 285
    apajak6 said:

    Beautiful story. I feel like

    Beautiful story. I feel like this is going to be a place for me to always come back to share as well. I just lost my mom to colon cancer and she was one of the healthiest women i knew. Her and my dad were going to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary this year so I knew he feels for you as well. Good luck with everything and you know she'll always be with you. 

    first time

    I lost my wife 11 months ago. Went on my first date,a few weeks ago, just to try and get out of the house. Date was forgetable. I think it was Rhonda's way of saying not her... but just today I have a smile on my face for the first time since she was dx in 2008. Life is for the living...