Funny Bonz II...

garym said:

Teacher arrested...

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

 

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

 

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

 

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

 

 

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ' Women and children first ' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage!
Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn't make you happier . I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

Home cooking; where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport!
Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robert Benchley

garym said:

The Clintons...

A reporter asked Bill Clinton "How's Hillary's head?"

 

"Well" he said "she's no Monica."

He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I
sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the
guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly
to the guy's table and said with a laugh
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is
thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”


The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500
FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT 'S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how
to screw people".

Texas_wedge said:

Oh Gary!

While it's frightening how quickly Fridays come round these days, we know it will always be a good day so long as you're around.

I'd love to know how much of this you make up yourself but I guess we'll never find out.  The compendium of quotes may be something you've found but the last two priceless messages above I choose to think you made up yourself. 

Whatever the truth may be I'm going to ensure that many more of my friends get to enjoy them asap.

[By the way, I hope for your sake that you never need a lawyer!!]

Only a few are originals, most are gleaned.

Here's an original; (My wife didn't see the humor)

MICHIGAN WINTER

I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Michigan. 

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

garym said:

I wonder why...

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb

 

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ' Women and children first ' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage!
Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn't make you happier . I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

Home cooking; where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport!
Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robert Benchley

Thought everyone might want to get in on this early;

A Canadian engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

The business is growing fast and doing very well.

He Says "Prophets are going through the roof."

(You really should have seen this coming)

garym said:

Hot investment opportunity...

Thought everyone might want to get in on this early;

A Canadian engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

The business is growing fast and doing very well.

He Says "Prophets are going through the roof."

(You really should have seen this coming)

Texas_wedge said:

Ever more cryptic

No links to the pics and who is Maxine?

  She's pretty popular over here, a bit about her origin is seen below, enjoy

Hummmmmm! How True. 
  

 
  
  

   
  

   
  

Creator 
Of Maxine 
  

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when 'fill in the pumpkins' was about the extent of his art classes at St. John's Catholic School in Leonia, N.J. 
  
  
John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the  Vesper   George   School   of Art in  Boston   and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group.   But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John's professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine.

'Cartoonists are sensitive to the insanities of the world; we just try to humanize them,' John says.    'If Maxine can get a laugh out of someone who feels lonely or someone who is getting older and hates the thought of another birthday, or if she can make someone chuckle about stressful interpersonal relationships, then I'm happy.  Putting a smile on someone's face is what it's all about.'

Those smiles have led to Maxine's becoming a bit of a celebrity. She (and John) have been the subject of media stories, including People, USA Today, Good Morning America, The Wall Street Journal, St. Petersburg (FL) Times, and Las Vegas Journal-Review, and they have been included in a major  Associated Press story.  Collector and trade publications have reported fans nationwide are collecting Maxine items. Letters from consumers and fans to John and Maxine reveal a very personal connection to Maxine. 
 
Many people say they are just like her.  

Why the name 'Maxine'? 'People at Shoebox started referring to the character as 'John Wagner's old lady,' and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,' John says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested 'Maxine'.  John says the name is perfect.

John, who says he's humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he's

proud of her.

Now you know the story of how Maxine came to be.   

SOME NEW MAXINES !!!

garym said:

Cell Phone etiquette...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled
out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's
Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long
meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the
boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.When the young woman
sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any more.

An older gentleman was sitting at the bar minding his own business when three attractive young ladies came in and sat down next to him.

Looking to get a rise out of the old man, the girls began talking about what it must have been like to have been born 60 ago and how much smarter and well informed today's young people are in comparison.

A good natured discussion ensued with barbs being tossed back and forth when the old man said "There are things my generation knows that have completely slipped away from the techno generation of today."  "Such as?" the girls asked.  "Well for instance," he said "I'll bet the three of you the whole nights bar tab that with a simple breast examination I can tell each of you when you were born."  The girls decided this was impossible and agreed.

After several minutes of poking, prodding, tweaking, and a kiss or two while bouncing eagerly from one girl to the next and back again the girls said it had been long enough and demanded that he tell them when they were born or get prepared to pay a large tab as they were just getting started on the night.

"That's easy, you were all born yesterday." he said with a smile as he ordered a round for the house.

garym said:

Off the deep end...

I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool the other day.

 

The lifeguard shouted so loudly at me, I nearly fell in.

garym said:

Maxine???

  She's pretty popular over here, a bit about her origin is seen below, enjoy

 

 

Hummmmmm! How True. 
  

 

 
  
  

   
  

   
  

Creator 
Of Maxine 
  

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when 'fill in the pumpkins' was about the extent of his art classes at St. John's Catholic School in Leonia, N.J. 
  
  
John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the  Vesper   George   School   of Art in  Boston   and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group.   But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John's professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine.

'Cartoonists are sensitive to the insanities of the world; we just try to humanize them,' John says.    'If Maxine can get a laugh out of someone who feels lonely or someone who is getting older and hates the thought of another birthday, or if she can make someone chuckle about stressful interpersonal relationships, then I'm happy.  Putting a smile on someone's face is what it's all about.'

Those smiles have led to Maxine's becoming a bit of a celebrity. She (and John) have been the subject of media stories, including People, USA Today, Good Morning America, The Wall Street Journal, St. Petersburg (FL) Times, and Las Vegas Journal-Review, and they have been included in a major  Associated Press story.  Collector and trade publications have reported fans nationwide are collecting Maxine items. Letters from consumers and fans to John and Maxine reveal a very personal connection to Maxine. 
 
Many people say they are just like her.  

Why the name 'Maxine'? 'People at Shoebox started referring to the character as 'John Wagner's old lady,' and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,' John says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested 'Maxine'.  John says the name is perfect.

John, who says he's humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he's

proud of her.

Now you know the story of how Maxine came to be.   

SOME NEW MAXINES !!!

 

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.    "Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and  feet."        He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks them over very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."     The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"