Funny Bonz II...

garym

garym said:

The student nurse...

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.    "Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and  feet."        He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks them over very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."     The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

The dead cow lecture...

 First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

 

garym

garym said:

The dead cow lecture...

 First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

 

God and Adam...

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said,"Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."

Adam said,"What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

 

And Adam said.....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

"What's a headache?"

 

 

Texas_wedge

garym said:

God and Adam...

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said,"Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."

Adam said,"What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

 

And Adam said.....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

"What's a headache?"

 

 

Same the World over?

The stock of politicians isn't at its highest these days in the UK but I gather the same is true of the US?

 

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're

           asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.  Otherwise, they are going to douse
          

           them all in gasoline and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car,

           collecting donations."

          "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.


           The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

garym

Texas_wedge said:

Same the World over?

The stock of politicians isn't at its highest these days in the UK but I gather the same is true of the US?

 

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're

           asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.  Otherwise, they are going to douse
          

           them all in gasoline and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car,

           collecting donations."

          "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.


           The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Good one T...Here's one for you...

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.


Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"


One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"


So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"


And that's the last thing I remember.

garym

garym said:

Good one T...Here's one for you...

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.


Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"


One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"


So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"


And that's the last thing I remember.

Church laughs...

STORY OF ELIJAH   

 

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar.  And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"  

 

  A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

 

LOT 'S WIFE

 

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN

 

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" 

 

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

 

DID NOAH FISH?

 

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

 

"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"

 

HIGHER POWER

 

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.  Can anybody tell me what it is?"  One child blurted out, "Aces!"

 

MOSES &THE RED SEA

 

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

 

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." 

 

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

 

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

 

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

 

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.  On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.

 

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

 

 

Church Smiles

 

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her  brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

 

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

 

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...   

 

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.

 

Caution: Do not step in exhaust.''

 

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.  He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

 

 

garym

garym said:

Church laughs...

STORY OF ELIJAH   

 

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar.  And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"  

 

  A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

 

LOT 'S WIFE

 

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN

 

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" 

 

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

 

DID NOAH FISH?

 

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

 

"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"

 

HIGHER POWER

 

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.  Can anybody tell me what it is?"  One child blurted out, "Aces!"

 

MOSES &THE RED SEA

 

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

 

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." 

 

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

 

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

 

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

 

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.  On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.

 

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

 

 

Church Smiles

 

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her  brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

 

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

 

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...   

 

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.

 

Caution: Do not step in exhaust.''

 

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.  He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

 

 

The truthful golfer...

He left home around 8:30am to play golf with his friends. On the way out the door, he answered his wife’s

“What time will you be home?” question with “Probably around 1:30 – I’ll have lunch at the club.”

1:30 came and went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00pm he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage,

and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

 

"We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home."

 

His wife looked him right in the eye and said "Don't bulls**t me -- you played 36 holes, didn't you?”

garym

garym said:

The truthful golfer...

He left home around 8:30am to play golf with his friends. On the way out the door, he answered his wife’s

“What time will you be home?” question with “Probably around 1:30 – I’ll have lunch at the club.”

1:30 came and went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00pm he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage,

and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

 

"We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home."

 

His wife looked him right in the eye and said "Don't bulls**t me -- you played 36 holes, didn't you?”

A Letterman Top Ten...

Why men prefer guns over women...

 

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

 

garym

garym said:

A Letterman Top Ten...

Why men prefer guns over women...

 

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

 

Mens logic...

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs
 
Lady: How much per 6 pack
 
Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years
 
Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
 
Man: Correct
 
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
 
Man: Correct
 
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been
put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?
 
Man: Do you drink?
 
Lady: No
 
Man: So where's your Ferrari?

garym

garym said:

Mens logic...

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs
 
Lady: How much per 6 pack
 
Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years
 
Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
 
Man: Correct
 
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
 
Man: Correct
 
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been
put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?
 
Man: Do you drink?
 
Lady: No
 
Man: So where's your Ferrari?

For my elder statesman here...

An old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' he said.

The old man replied,

 

'Yep, none of us could get the lid off.'

Texas_wedge

garym said:

For my elder statesman here...

An old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' he said.

The old man replied,

 

'Yep, none of us could get the lid off.'

Drug leaflets

You have to wonder who writes the leaflets that accompany drugs.  Some are hilarious - intentionally or innocently?

I've just had my BP med changed and minutes ago took the first dose, AFTER reading the leaflet thoroughly - it's a laugh a minute!

I particularly enjoyed the advice to tell your doctor or pharmacist if you notice  "an increase in the frequency and amount of urination" - the drug is a diuretic - I'd have thought you'd want to tell them if you didn't notice those changes!

Best of all is this detail in the explanation of possible side-effects:

 "...inability to maintain an erection, dizziness on standing..." 

I would like to think that that was written tongue in cheek but I fear not since the user is also advised to report "if you notice"  "low blood levels of chloride ions with increased alkalinity in the body (hypochloraemic alkalosis)"  - I'll have to make a particular point of watching out for low levels of chloride ions in "the" body.

However, there is some practical advice too.  My Wife enquired last night whether I was going to take my new medication before retiring.  I was dog-tired after little sleep the previous night and had spent the evening with my entire fluid intake being wine and espresso (following a good scan - see blog) so I was glad that I'd read:  "Swallow the tablets with water in the morning (to avoid frequent urination at night)."  I was glad I didn't start it last night.  It's reminiscent of Gary's advice not to take sedatives and laxatives simultaneously!

garym

Texas_wedge said:

Drug leaflets

You have to wonder who writes the leaflets that accompany drugs.  Some are hilarious - intentionally or innocently?

I've just had my BP med changed and minutes ago took the first dose, AFTER reading the leaflet thoroughly - it's a laugh a minute!

I particularly enjoyed the advice to tell your doctor or pharmacist if you notice  "an increase in the frequency and amount of urination" - the drug is a diuretic - I'd have thought you'd want to tell them if you didn't notice those changes!

Best of all is this detail in the explanation of possible side-effects:

 "...inability to maintain an erection, dizziness on standing..." 

I would like to think that that was written tongue in cheek but I fear not since the user is also advised to report "if you notice"  "low blood levels of chloride ions with increased alkalinity in the body (hypochloraemic alkalosis)"  - I'll have to make a particular point of watching out for low levels of chloride ions in "the" body.

However, there is some practical advice too.  My Wife enquired last night whether I was going to take my new medication before retiring.  I was dog-tired after little sleep the previous night and had spent the evening with my entire fluid intake being wine and espresso (following a good scan - see blog) so I was glad that I'd read:  "Swallow the tablets with water in the morning (to avoid frequent urination at night)."  I was glad I didn't start it last night.  It's reminiscent of Gary's advice not to take sedatives and laxatives simultaneously!

Your new name...

T-Bone,

I read your blog and saw your results posted in the Votrient thread, great results btw, but I'm shocked that the sensors didn't jump all over "normal bony appearances", must have been a particularly attractive radiologist I suspect...LOL

alice124

garym said:

For my elder statesman here...

An old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' he said.

The old man replied,

 

'Yep, none of us could get the lid off.'

My last day of work was Thursday, January 31. And I'm thrilled. I mean the Ravens won  the SuperBowl to extend my celebration, despite Gary pulling the power plug  at the beginning of the second half to change momentum.

And I've gotten too many to mention greetings from wonderful  coworkers/friends.  A common theme from them is "slow down" and enjoy. Just got this email to illustrate the point! Kind of cute. . . But my true intention is admittedly to gloat on RAVENS WIN! WooHoo!

______________

As I was lying in bed thinking one morning, I decided, it's the tortoise life for me! WHY YOU ASK? READ ON. . . . .

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is still fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it can live for more than 150 years. Say what?

And, the doctor tells me to exercise? I don't think so.

 

 

Chuckle for today:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Amen!

garym

alice124 said:

My last day of work was Thursday, January 31. And I'm thrilled. I mean the Ravens won  the SuperBowl to extend my celebration, despite Gary pulling the power plug  at the beginning of the second half to change momentum.

And I've gotten too many to mention greetings from wonderful  coworkers/friends.  A common theme from them is "slow down" and enjoy. Just got this email to illustrate the point! Kind of cute. . . But my true intention is admittedly to gloat on RAVENS WIN! WooHoo!

______________

As I was lying in bed thinking one morning, I decided, it's the tortoise life for me! WHY YOU ASK? READ ON. . . . .

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is still fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it can live for more than 150 years. Say what?

And, the doctor tells me to exercise? I don't think so.

 

 

Chuckle for today:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Amen!

Nope...

Tweren't me, I had no dog in the fight...seems like we should be able to pass a law against power outages or perhaps confiscate all electrical switches to avoid such mishaps in the future though.

No joke, congrats on retiring, I hope you and John are able to enjoy another 47 Superbowls together.  Someday maybe my Lions will get there, DOH, who am I kidding!

garym

alice124 said:

My last day of work was Thursday, January 31. And I'm thrilled. I mean the Ravens won  the SuperBowl to extend my celebration, despite Gary pulling the power plug  at the beginning of the second half to change momentum.

And I've gotten too many to mention greetings from wonderful  coworkers/friends.  A common theme from them is "slow down" and enjoy. Just got this email to illustrate the point! Kind of cute. . . But my true intention is admittedly to gloat on RAVENS WIN! WooHoo!

______________

As I was lying in bed thinking one morning, I decided, it's the tortoise life for me! WHY YOU ASK? READ ON. . . . .

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is still fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it can live for more than 150 years. Say what?

And, the doctor tells me to exercise? I don't think so.

 

 

Chuckle for today:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Amen!

Some old men can still think fast...

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond since he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. 

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned. 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond, naked.'

Holding the bucket up, he said,

''I'M HERE TO FEED THE ALLIGATOR.''

garym

alice124 said:

My last day of work was Thursday, January 31. And I'm thrilled. I mean the Ravens won  the SuperBowl to extend my celebration, despite Gary pulling the power plug  at the beginning of the second half to change momentum.

And I've gotten too many to mention greetings from wonderful  coworkers/friends.  A common theme from them is "slow down" and enjoy. Just got this email to illustrate the point! Kind of cute. . . But my true intention is admittedly to gloat on RAVENS WIN! WooHoo!

______________

As I was lying in bed thinking one morning, I decided, it's the tortoise life for me! WHY YOU ASK? READ ON. . . . .

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is still fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it can live for more than 150 years. Say what?

And, the doctor tells me to exercise? I don't think so.

 

 

Chuckle for today:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Amen!

My favorite animal...

When I was 6 Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." 

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. 

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. 
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.  I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. 

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. 
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. 
  
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

 

garym

alice124 said:

My last day of work was Thursday, January 31. And I'm thrilled. I mean the Ravens won  the SuperBowl to extend my celebration, despite Gary pulling the power plug  at the beginning of the second half to change momentum.

And I've gotten too many to mention greetings from wonderful  coworkers/friends.  A common theme from them is "slow down" and enjoy. Just got this email to illustrate the point! Kind of cute. . . But my true intention is admittedly to gloat on RAVENS WIN! WooHoo!

______________

As I was lying in bed thinking one morning, I decided, it's the tortoise life for me! WHY YOU ASK? READ ON. . . . .

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is still fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it can live for more than 150 years. Say what?

And, the doctor tells me to exercise? I don't think so.

 

 

Chuckle for today:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Amen!

Leave it to a farmer...

Reflection from the seat of an old tractor

 

“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don't judge folks by their relatives.

“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll likely just kill you.”

garym

garym said:

Leave it to a farmer...

Reflection from the seat of an old tractor

 

“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don't judge folks by their relatives.

“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll likely just kill you.”

Getting old...

Last one for awhile, off to St Maarten for a couple weeks of fun in the sun...see ya all on the 25th

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would prefer it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"

Texas_wedge

garym said:

Getting old...

Last one for awhile, off to St Maarten for a couple weeks of fun in the sun...see ya all on the 25th

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would prefer it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"

At the younger end ...

 

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

 

 

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.

 

 

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'

 

 

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.

 

 

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

 

 

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

 

 

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada.

 

 

Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

 

 

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Polish border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Polish boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.