Funny Bonz II...

A couple that had been married for only a short time and moved, decided to join a local church and made an apointment with the pastor.  After telling him of their desire to join the church the pastor explained that he considered this a big commitment and that all prospective new members must pass a test to be deemed worthy.  He then told them that in order to be accepted they would have to abstain from all phyisical contact for one month.  They agreed to try and made an appointmant for one month later.

After the month had passed they returned for their appointment and the pasrtor asked how things went.  "It started out well said" the man "we thought of several projects to keep our minds off it and help pass the time."  We had been wanting to repaint our apartment and thought that would be a good longer term project to work on."  "Then she dropped the paint brush and when she bent over to pick it up, something came over me and I had to have her so I took right then and there."  "It was our only transgression and we're very sorry, Is there any chance you'll let us join the church?" he asked.  "I'm sorry" came the reply "this test has served us well for a very long time and you are not welcome in our churck."

"Yeah, we're not welcome at WalMart anymore either." he said.

alice124 said:

LOVE IT!

Kid and dog jokes - love 'em Gary. Really cute!

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a porrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You are a stupid bird, why don't you just shut up and die!"

To which the bird replied, "Get'im Killer!"

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If your dog is barking st the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course....at least he'll stop yapping after you let him in.

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A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "I knew I should have said Mantle?"

garym said:

"Shaggy" dog story...

An elderly lady who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the her own dog was a female that was in heat and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and thought she would be able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the she was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was 11:30pm, she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

 After she explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his e***tion and be able to withdraw."

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well," The vet replied, "it just bloody -well worked on me!"

(I swear, I did not change the names on this, but I did clean it up a bit for the censors)

Alice and her husband John went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Alice went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands everywhere they didn't belong, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!

Alice now very quiet, buttoned up her blouse, and sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to John and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do it?'

John thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

garym said:

Grandma and Grandpa...

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R"!

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!

people to panic and seek medical attention!

garym said:

Elderly golf...

Beverly is 90 years old. She's played golf every day since her retirement 25 years ago. 
          

One day she arrives home looking sad.
"That's it,"she tells her husband. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."

Her husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take me with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Beverly, "your a hundred and three. You can't help."
 
"I may be a hundred and three", says Gus, "but my eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course with her husband, Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
 
She turns to Gus says, "Did you see the ball?"
 
"Of course I did!" replied Gus. "I have perfect eyesight".
 
" Well, where did it go?" says Beverly.
 
"I don't remember." Gus answered

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over
and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.


Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1.)  Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2.)  Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3.)  Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4.)  Give more.
5.)  Expect less.


 
NOW . . . . .

Here's the end of the story . . .
The donkey later came back and bit
the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the
farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover
your ****, it always comes back to bite you!

alice124 said:

Alice & John & the Therapist

Darn Gary - I just now saw this. The speed of CSN has kept me from several of the threads. And that's aggravating. I've already missed three appointments!

I prescribe multiple...err...sessions until you catch up...