Unplanned Scan + Set My New 'Clear' Record
Comments
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Don't you DARESundanceh said:Big Heavy Sigh, Tina...
But, yeah...
Life always seems very hard for those of us who are left behind to carry on...
I think about the fallen quite abit. They never leave me.
Glad you two have hung it up - good for you! Glad you and the G-man got it all going on:)
I'll persevere...just keeps getting harder now...I have not realized that until this latest string of events...makes you just want to bolt out the door and never look back.
But, some of my friends are still here...so I want to be here with them.
Big hugs and much TX love to you and G...and thanks for dropping in...us '09'ers gotta' stick together!
-Craig
P.S. You like my little sunshine in my lap?
Don't you dare leave us behind in the dust....... I personally come to Texas to find you and give you a talking to you will never ever forget. No bolting out of doors allowed.
So now I have this of my mind. None of us knows why ones fight is shorter and someone else's is over many years. One is NED and another is not.
I am in this not as long as you have been and I also mourn the fallen every day. Often my mind goes to the pictures no longer on the posts and wonder what they would have answered.
They have fallen, but never forgotten.
We do need you Craig, so do not even think for one moment to take a hike. A posse will come to Texas.
And YES , what a cutie, seeing a ray of sunshine like that is worth to fight another day.
Love you Craig, so glad to hear thing are going OK for you.
On another note I have "linkednd" ( website for professionals) up with some other writers and we are looking in..... WHO WHAT and HOW we can get your book out in the open.
Hugs, Marjan0 -
Let's Keep Hope Alive
I know Craig it is easy to get down reading some posts from people we have come to love thru this sites.. I say love even though it is distant... I feel it too.. and I haven't been on here as long as you .. only about a year..
Let's keep Hope alive.
Love you... Donna0 -
Good news
Hi there Craig.
Mom and I are so happy for you and your news!
Thank you also for being there for us all this time. Over two years now. We can't believe it.
Mom is still doing great and holding her own.
You will always have a place in our hearts Craig.
Lots of love and hugs to you my friend
Linda and Mom0 -
Good Discussion
Craig, This is a great discussion to have and although hard for some to handle. I find that I am in denial at times as to the serious nature of my condition. Even though just had liver resection and returning to chemo next week y attitude of one day at a time is not always realistic. As you have noted I started to lurk and post hesitantly thinking that this group of people were the ones who had beat the odds and in some strange way they would rub off on me. My Oncologist has made no suggestion of a promised cure or any longterm hope; which I found frustrating. As the time has passed there have been many who are non longer with us and the stories they tell resounded like a hollow bell. The war against cancer that I am fighting is a series of battles that are fought one at a time; as a soldier knows battles are not always won.
Now the board is a point of anchor that keeps me centered and more real with my expectations. Seeing others go through the cancer journey has changed my attitude from why me to why not me. At first my emotions were down and I was honestly feeling sorry for myself in what I consider now to be very selfish without regard for the pain my family was feeling. Now my focus is winning the battles I can and being as available as possible to my family.
Thanks for this thread Craig and hope it continues...Please accept my wish that the community grow and share love...Art0 -
We all have to keep up the
We all have to keep up the good fight! Sometimes the battle with the Big C gives us years, and sometimes it gives us months. Either way time is better then zero time. A friend Jim told me often, "Go out there and slay a Dragon, because tomorrow you do not know your fate." Jim fought a 14 year battle with cancer.
We all have our own path and destiny. How many lives we can affect in the positive is what it is about.
Best Always, mike0 -
Brenda, this really hit home for me...Brenda Bricco said:I have to admit that I am
I have to admit that I am feeling a little hopeless as we continue to lose friend after friend lately. It makes me think that those first docs were telling us the truth and it really is just a matter of time. I have slipped into a depression and I'm afraid it's one of the deepest so far. I am living scared and mourning my husband that in reality is doing wonderfully physically and by my side. I say physically because I don't know that we are ever okay emotionally after such an attack on our lives. We are trying to live but we just really don't know how to live this new "cancer life". I have had many people tell me that I am so strong and that they are in awe of how I handle it all. Here's the thing... I DON'T SEE IT. I dont feel strong and I don't want to have to fight anymore. I don't want to wake up to having it all rush back at me every morning. I found myself driving last night, I couldn't even drive the speed limit because I just couldn't react to everything at the speed it seems life is going. I pulled in garage and sat there with tears streaming down my face. I didn't want to get out, I didn't want to come back to cancer reality. I was at the point that I just couldn't function anymore. I was emotionally exhausted and just didn't want to have to see or talk to anyone. I drug myself out of my car and into the house. My husband saw the condition I was in and knew that what I really needed was some time. I rolled up in a fuzzy blanket on the couch and just layed there until I fell asleep. I can sleep twelve hours and wake up tired (sound like a flag? I know...) So, that was my pityfull evening, one of the most pityful I have had. I feel GOD carrying me and I don't know why he keeps coming to rescue me but he does, he never hasn't.
Maybe I don't belong posting this here but you are the people I know and sometimes it's you that I need to talk to. So, I feel a little better this morning, I don't want to fight anymore but I will.
Thank you LORD for not forsaking me. GOD's blessings to you all.
Brenda
I haven't been posting because I just don't have the energy. I am physically and emotionally drained. I understand exactly how you feel because I have been there with my husband and now I am there with my only child. I was sitting on the back porch today just thinking I wish we - my daughter, her husband and new baby son, all of us - could just have one day of cancer not being a part of our lives, could wake up refreshed with a new day ahead without this dark cloud hanging over every waking moment and many sleeping moments, too. And today I learned a high school friend lost her battle with cancer. I haven't gotten to know anybody on here that well but Jennie's death really hit hard. She just seemed so invincible to me and was so positive and supportive when my daughter had to switch from Folfox to Folfiri. We have left the negative oncologist behind and moved on and are still fighting. It's all just so hard. I feel we've been so violated by this disease.
The bravery here in the face of this disease astounds me. Everyone here has my admiration and respect. It takes a lot of guts to join a community of people with your same disease, knowing that friendships will be made and many friends lost. I see the love and longing for hope for the future from spouses and other caregivers, and other parents like me, and the day to day living and acceptance of the people with the disease and it just brings it all back, what we went through with Bill's cancer - what I went through, what Bill went through.
And now my precious baby girl. And it is simply more than I can bear. So I'm right there with you and feel we all deserve a great big pity party. All of us. Cry our eyes out. Howl at the moon. Eat pounds of chocolate. Drink ourselves under the table. Cuss and throw things and scream.
Sandy0 -
I don't know that I willSundanceh said:Whooosh!
Don't mess with J:)
I can hear your frustration and I truly understand it. Alot of my early frustrations the first five-years centered on the lack of information about everything from surgeries to treatments to the permanent side-effects.
It's the reason that I continue to stay here, in the event that I can spare somebody else from being practiced on and learning the results "after the fact" like what happened to me.
I'm glad you could unload some of this in this post. Build-up does lead to shutdown, no doubt about it...I'm glad this post could act as a relief valve to get some of that out.
Pity parties are okay...I've had a few in my day...I always invite Me, Myself and I:)
At least we're not by ourselves:)
LOL!
Even to the parking lot:)
You are cordially invited - meet me in the corner of the Walmart parking lot - you bring the tacos:)
LOL!
Seriously, J, I'm sorry things are difficult...last year I was about done...just about the time I met you...and things were going south in a hurry. I'm still recovering but doing pretty good for all the things they have done to me.
I wish the same for you. If I can ever be of any help, you know where to find me.
Thanks for posting and thanks for listening!
-Craig
I don't know that I will ever look at the Walmart parking lot with out wondering if there is someone out there hurting or in a fog. That is where I spent some time last night, just sitting with my engine running and not answering my phone. I was probably worthy of a bright unit stay but I made it to today and marched on.
Janie, I am sorry that you are going through all that you are and I am really sorry that your husband is gone at this time. I think some of the hardest times are when we are alone; maybe because we are busy looking strong and being the positive one until we realize there isn't anyone around to see us have a weak moment... we allow ourselves to feel the anger and self pity because some times we need to blow off that poisonous gas that you spoke of. I was blubbering again today, I just feel better afterwards.
Thank GOD that we have folks here like Craig to lends us his understanding.
I think I am going to write a letter to Walmart and let them know sometimes their parking lots are moonlighting as a place to have our little parties. Maybe they will serve refreshments next time they see one of us out there "partying". lol
GOd bless you.
Brenda0 -
G'gay Craig
The old adage that what doesn't kill you ,makes you stronger. It is true in some regards but not in others. I think that I am mentally and emotionally stronger now than I have ever been but physically I couldn't whip a bowl of cream. I share with you the anguish of losing friends. I found Blake and Jennie particularly tough but the greatest lesson I have lerned from cancer is acceptance. Whenever we lose someone from the board I just accept that they have done everything in their power to beat this disease and most have gone above and beyond the call of duty to their family and friends. Then there is the likes of you and phil,John,Maglets and many others who have endured hell on earth and I am not being overly dramatic, just to get to where you are. I read with sadness the post from Buzz but I accept his decision. He too has fought his demons for a long time.
At one stage I decided to opt out and not return to this board but after some thought I had to accept that I am what I am ,a cancer survivor. I saw my nephrologist the other day. My kidney results were not very good,my protein loss is getting very close to the three gramms a day where they feel obliged to start giving me drugs that are worse than the chemo tho I only learned the other day that one of the chemo drugs I was on was withdrawn from use in 2002 in the US and 2003 in Canada because of serious side effects and that there were now less dangerous drugs available. I am sure that those of you on them don't think so. My Doctor was very concerned about my general condition ,my arthritis and neuropathy are worse than they have ever been and I seem to bee all over the place with the diabetes.
For those who don't know me,there are so many new people here,I joined the board late in 2001 . I was originally treated for stage3 c colon cancer in jan 1998 and had a year ,well,48 sessions of 5Fu enhanced with levamisole. So this Jan (if I makeit)I will be 15 years ca free. I live on the east coat of Australia and I have made and lost so many friend on this and other boards to keep track of. There are others on this board like Neons ,foxy, emily ,scouty,staceygleason and many that my poor worn out brain can't bring to mind at this moment who have emerged from ca to live as normal a life as is possible for anyone touched by this disease. I lack Craigs eloquence but I thank him and others like him who despite their own problems continue to support orther sufferers and one day I would love to sit under a shady tree with him and the other and raise a glass in salute to lost friends,best wishes to all Ron.0 -
I know what you mean aboutVarmint5 said:Brenda, this really hit home for me...
I haven't been posting because I just don't have the energy. I am physically and emotionally drained. I understand exactly how you feel because I have been there with my husband and now I am there with my only child. I was sitting on the back porch today just thinking I wish we - my daughter, her husband and new baby son, all of us - could just have one day of cancer not being a part of our lives, could wake up refreshed with a new day ahead without this dark cloud hanging over every waking moment and many sleeping moments, too. And today I learned a high school friend lost her battle with cancer. I haven't gotten to know anybody on here that well but Jennie's death really hit hard. She just seemed so invincible to me and was so positive and supportive when my daughter had to switch from Folfox to Folfiri. We have left the negative oncologist behind and moved on and are still fighting. It's all just so hard. I feel we've been so violated by this disease.
The bravery here in the face of this disease astounds me. Everyone here has my admiration and respect. It takes a lot of guts to join a community of people with your same disease, knowing that friendships will be made and many friends lost. I see the love and longing for hope for the future from spouses and other caregivers, and other parents like me, and the day to day living and acceptance of the people with the disease and it just brings it all back, what we went through with Bill's cancer - what I went through, what Bill went through.
And now my precious baby girl. And it is simply more than I can bear. So I'm right there with you and feel we all deserve a great big pity party. All of us. Cry our eyes out. Howl at the moon. Eat pounds of chocolate. Drink ourselves under the table. Cuss and throw things and scream.
Sandy
I know what you mean about being emotionally drained Sandy... there are times that I read a post and want to respond but I just don't have it in me to say anything. I feel guilty but I see that someone is always around here with their smiling words ready to help someone in a bad place to find hope or comfort. When I feel strong I am here trying my best to help but when I am down I have to let one of you do it.
I think what caught me off gaurd when Jennie left was she was so positive and up beat, I never dreamed she would go any where. Those are the moments that I want to cry, scream, cuss, throw things and eat myself into a coma(I have tried the drinking but that really hurts the next day).
The very idea of you having to watch your daughter do this makes me want to tear up something. I am so sorry that your prescious child in battling, it's not okay, a mom should never have to see their child fight for their lives IT'S JUST WRONG.
May GOD bless all of us.
Brenda0 -
oh wowlepperl said:Thank you for your heartfelt words
Hi, I am a newbee here and am just so touched by your story as well as your strength. You keep on kicking cancers butt!
Lori
.
..
buzz pete every one of you ...thinkin about you.
sometimes I just don't get it....sorry best i can do....
mags0 -
Congratulations on breaking your record
15 months clear - that's great. Thank you for posting your good news. We need to hear it. Although I'm not from the class of 09 (more like 10) I have followed your posts, musings, practical advice and yes "feelings". Thank you for sticking with us. Keep it up.0 -
Oh, Craig
You always have such a way with words, and you always reach my heart. I'm so glad you joined our community, and I'm ecstatic that you're still here! The losses are hard to take, and they work on our minds so much at times, but I'm always grateful when we rally and pull together and continue our community here.
*hugs*
Gail0 -
Toots:)tootsie1 said:Oh, Craig
You always have such a way with words, and you always reach my heart. I'm so glad you joined our community, and I'm ecstatic that you're still here! The losses are hard to take, and they work on our minds so much at times, but I'm always grateful when we rally and pull together and continue our community here.
*hugs*
Gail
Big Billy just loves "your new look."
It looks like "France" is still a distant trip, Gail:) I think back to that early conversation often.
My boarding pass has yet to be validated...that's okay though...I can wait:)
Hugs/Craig0 -
The team
Craig, I'll never forget coming in here in 2010 and there you all were, the 2009 people, you let me join right in. I've laughed, gossiped, cried, screamed and darn near had an aneurism from too much laughter at times.
Your thoughts pretty much mirror mine at this moment. Cheryl and Jennie leaving so quick and now Clift saying his goodbyes to us, seeing Kerry go, Eric, Donna, Lisa,John so many...brings a great sadness that is sometimes overwhelming.
But it has helped me now with this second round coming, if I hadn't known what to expect this would have been a shock to me. I would have been at my wits end like I was at the beginning of this cancer. This time I didn't overreact, didn't have to call anyone to get me out of that tree, I knew it could happen, I also know that I can continue to do things with my onc in order to continue living longer. I know that I could die, and when that bridge comes I'll cross no matter how disappointing it will be that I couldn't hang in there. But I also know I could also live, I've got you to show me that, got Mags and a few others, so I still got HOPE. And I've got this family, sure isn't the same Craig, we got so emotionally attached to those that are leaving or have left us, and I think we're trying harder not to now. But until my time comes, I'm still happy to have all the cheerleaders here with us on the board, we got each other, kind of reminds me of the Sonny and Cher song, "I got you babe". We got each other.
Love you man,
Winter Marie0 -
Yay!Sundanceh said:Toots:)
Big Billy just loves "your new look."
It looks like "France" is still a distant trip, Gail:) I think back to that early conversation often.
My boarding pass has yet to be validated...that's okay though...I can wait:)
Hugs/Craig
Glad Big Billy approves! *L* I'm so GLAD that France is still distant for you! It's so sweet that you remember that conversation.
*hugs*
Gail0 -
Dear WMherdizziness said:The team
Craig, I'll never forget coming in here in 2010 and there you all were, the 2009 people, you let me join right in. I've laughed, gossiped, cried, screamed and darn near had an aneurism from too much laughter at times.
Your thoughts pretty much mirror mine at this moment. Cheryl and Jennie leaving so quick and now Clift saying his goodbyes to us, seeing Kerry go, Eric, Donna, Lisa,John so many...brings a great sadness that is sometimes overwhelming.
But it has helped me now with this second round coming, if I hadn't known what to expect this would have been a shock to me. I would have been at my wits end like I was at the beginning of this cancer. This time I didn't overreact, didn't have to call anyone to get me out of that tree, I knew it could happen, I also know that I can continue to do things with my onc in order to continue living longer. I know that I could die, and when that bridge comes I'll cross no matter how disappointing it will be that I couldn't hang in there. But I also know I could also live, I've got you to show me that, got Mags and a few others, so I still got HOPE. And I've got this family, sure isn't the same Craig, we got so emotionally attached to those that are leaving or have left us, and I think we're trying harder not to now. But until my time comes, I'm still happy to have all the cheerleaders here with us on the board, we got each other, kind of reminds me of the Sonny and Cher song, "I got you babe". We got each other.
Love you man,
Winter Marie
Very insightful..the part about us trying so hard "not too" get too close. I feel it too. That does not work for me...I've got to be emotionally vested to be effective. I can't be dispassionate about what I say, or it rings hollow.
Folks must have thought I was nuts with some of the stuff I said...I was further up the path and you all were just getting started...alot of folks could not see my perspectives then, but you guys did listen.
Now, it's probably getting a little clearer...
I've watched you grow from where you started then...Jenny too:) And scores of others as well...it's been a treat having a front-row seat for all of it.
I'll never forget your w/end post that time about "blowin' smoke"...LOL! You've come a long way, baby!
'09 was a special time for me - a time of naivete - and a time of innocence...
You know I'm with you still and know you will respond favorably and get back clear:)
Big TX Hugs!
-Craig0 -
Yo-VYoVita said:Congratulations on breaking your record
15 months clear - that's great. Thank you for posting your good news. We need to hear it. Although I'm not from the class of 09 (more like 10) I have followed your posts, musings, practical advice and yes "feelings". Thank you for sticking with us. Keep it up.
It's hard for me to believe, because...it's never happened until now. It's hard to win late in the 8th year...you expect to be holding on - not winning.
Of course, I'm still waiting for things to return...I've done it 3x now...but maybe, Yo...just maybe...it's gone...is that even possible?
Only Time will tell...
Thank you for watching and posting:)
-Craig0 -
Welcome, Lori:)lepperl said:Thank you for your heartfelt words
Hi, I am a newbee here and am just so touched by your story as well as your strength. You keep on kicking cancers butt!
Lori
And thank you so much!
Alot of water has passed under this bridge this decade due to cancer, but I refuse to have it still my voice.
And when the community is behind me - I can't be beat:)
Nice to meetcha'!
-Craig0
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