How do you survive when people you love decide to leave you because you have cancer?

bluwillo said:

It's about control
If someone has already said this, my apologies for repeating it.

As a kid, I changed schools almost every year. By the time I graduated high school, I'd been to 13 different schools. And no, I never got caught in my shenanigans, so it was not a discipline problem. My dad had itchy feet, so we just moved a lot.

By the time I was in 3rd grade, I knew not to make "lifelong" friends...cos I probably wouldn't see them the following September. So, I kept myself pretty aloof. sure, I had friends that I hung out with, and considered "besties"...but I knew it wouldn't last.

I'm sure there's a psychological term for it (and my bad spelling!) but I learned not to get too attached to people, other than family. That's a sad commentary...Anywhooo...

Some of these people may be "leaving" you because they're afraid you'll die and then where will they be? I mean, you might be so rude as to die in the middle of the night, or on a trip...or the day before you were supposed to have lunch with them. It matters not a whit what your diagnoses is, or how your treatment is going. Some people just hear "cancer" and think "uh oh, dead girl walkin'" (Very rude, I agree)

So, in their minds, they're shutting down the relationship now, under their terms, rather than later, whenever God decides your time has come. They are protecting themselves. Sadly, they are also showing what kind of friends they are. Not very good ones.

As I've gotten older, I've not gained many more good friends. My family keeps me busy...and if my end time comes sooner than later, they all know the drill. Party till I drop! Get kicked out of the hospital cos I play my music too loud, or too much dancing in the halls. It's good when family can be friends also.

...
@ bluwillo - are you sure we're not sisters?!! Sometimes it'd be 2 or 3 different schools in one year. And yeah, unfortunately I too learned to not really bother getting attached to people. Well that and how to be totally self reliant. I'm sure we must somehow be related... lol

(((Hugs)))

jendrey said:

...
@ bluwillo - are you sure we're not sisters?!! Sometimes it'd be 2 or 3 different schools in one year. And yeah, unfortunately I too learned to not really bother getting attached to people. Well that and how to be totally self reliant. I'm sure we must somehow be related... lol

(((Hugs)))

...
jendrey, as a kid, I hated it. As a grown up, although it does make for a limited circle of lifelong friends,at long last, I am able to do what my mom was always yelling at us kids: "Can't you just entertain yourself?!" LOL! yeah, we must be cousins or something!

Bar_B said:

How do you delete?

How do you delete?

Delete what? Your post? It
Delete what? Your post? It says edit at the bottom of what you posted. Is that what you wanted to know? LOL

Lex

What I've experienced is
What I've experienced is some friends and family have a hard time accepting the "new me". Once you're faced with cancer, you're forever changed. It changes you physically obviously, but all the emotions and fears that you go through - it changes you. I'm still essentially "me" - but I think new & improved. My priorities have changed. My tolerance for BS is zero - life is too short to deal with drama and feeling upset! Im much less likely to put up with crap! I enjoy the little things, i make lots of fun memories with my kids, i do things that I enjoy. I try new things, i take risks, I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.I think finding this "new me" is my silver lining to all this BC crap. Most of the people around me are liking new Heather, or are adjusting. But I've had a few who I've done nothing but argue with once treatment stopped. Had a friend actually log on to CSN here to read my posts, and then got mad at me about what I had written. Luckily my husband and the majority of my friends and family have been patient and supporting and are just as happy to get to know the "new Heather" as I am.
Hugs to you! I know it's sad when friendships go bad, but you have to do what's best for you. Some bringing you down? Forget about them! Life's too short!
*hugs*
heather

Double Whammy said:

First - give them an opportunity to do something
Relationships just plain take work. I've given this a whole lot of thought because I was really hurt by 2 of my closest friends, a lifelong friend, and my only sister. And it's taken me 2 years to get to where I am. But enough about my situation.

My "take" on this is similar to others - they're frightened, angry, and then there's all the wonderful stuff in the press/movies that makes cancer sound like it's just not a big deal anymore, and you're going to be fine because so and so was. And then there's "she'll call me if she needs anything" "I'll call tomorrow", etc. And remember, they're "outside". They don't get it. They really don't.

I think when this happens and we feel hurt by it, we need to re-evaluate how important this person is to us and if they are, then we may have to make that contact with them. We might need to tell them what we need/want from them (a visit/phone call/ride, etc.). If the relationship isn't really important, then we need to recognize that. But if it is, sometimes we just need to speak up and say "I need your friendship, will you please whatever".

We're here for you - always. Because WE understand.

Suzanne

The best advice I could ever
The best advice I could ever give is just Live Your Life! If you can, don't deal with all the drama from friends or family. It is their loss if they don't want to support you. This is a time when you find out who your true friends are. Perhaps they have trouble dealing with the fact that you have bc, so, maybe you could just talk to some of them. Ask them what's going on?

Live, Live, Live! Life is great and you deserve to enjoy it!


Big hugs, Angie

friends disappear
It's been a year since being diagnosed with breast cancer at age 41, and I have lost the majority of my friends. They cannot handle the change. Before, I was the go-to person, always optimistic, now that I cannot help them. It seems like they do not want the relationship unless they can gain something from it. They are needy, and now that I have become the one in need, it is no longer convenient for them. None have actually said goodbye, although I know I will not see them in the same light again. I feel the decision is mutual; if we wanted to revive the relationship, we could but deep inside we know what is healthiest for us and our survival to let go. Conserve energy for a good cause.

hope4thebest said:

friends disappear
It's been a year since being diagnosed with breast cancer at age 41, and I have lost the majority of my friends. They cannot handle the change. Before, I was the go-to person, always optimistic, now that I cannot help them. It seems like they do not want the relationship unless they can gain something from it. They are needy, and now that I have become the one in need, it is no longer convenient for them. None have actually said goodbye, although I know I will not see them in the same light again. I feel the decision is mutual; if we wanted to revive the relationship, we could but deep inside we know what is healthiest for us and our survival to let go. Conserve energy for a good cause.

hope4thebest
This is where I am too. Exactly. I actually found one in particular, my daughter, tried to one-up me with going to the doctor to try to dig up something wrong with her so that she could still get the attention diverted back to her instead of being willing to be inconvenienced with me when I needed HER. I was amazed. My husbands take on her was: "I'll see your cancer and raise you a heart palpitation" Right on the mark. When I didn't have anything to give her she walked away.

So well written!
Rebecca