How do you survive when people you love decide to leave you because you have cancer?
Has anyone else had this experience?
Comments
-
Maybe they just need time to
Maybe they just need time to adjust to you having cancer. It can be scary for them as well. My daughters didn't think I had any thing so terrible because my cancer was small. But..... to me it was CANCER.....
My Prayers are with You,
This is a great place to be right now. Everyone is just great.
Diana0 -
Common
You are finding out who your friends are as we all have. It's not about you, remember that. It is about them. Their fear, their inability to look at this in the face, and sometimes, just the frustration and helplessness of not knowing how to do any good for you. The reasons are as many as there are people, some more noble than others and some cruely selfish. Just remember it has nothing to do with you, it is their unresolved issues within themselves.
My Onc Psych described cancer as a river we have all crossed. with the rest of the world on the other side. Sometimes that river is a torrent, and the ones who stand by you are only on the other side of a little trickling creek.
One day at a time. You are your best resource.0 -
Thankstufi000 said:Common
You are finding out who your friends are as we all have. It's not about you, remember that. It is about them. Their fear, their inability to look at this in the face, and sometimes, just the frustration and helplessness of not knowing how to do any good for you. The reasons are as many as there are people, some more noble than others and some cruely selfish. Just remember it has nothing to do with you, it is their unresolved issues within themselves.
My Onc Psych described cancer as a river we have all crossed. with the rest of the world on the other side. Sometimes that river is a torrent, and the ones who stand by you are only on the other side of a little trickling creek.
One day at a time. You are your best resource.
Thanks for the encouragement. It really seems like a lonely boatride right now. I said yesterday I am thankful Jesus is my life preserver on this river ride.0 -
Thankstufi000 said:Common
You are finding out who your friends are as we all have. It's not about you, remember that. It is about them. Their fear, their inability to look at this in the face, and sometimes, just the frustration and helplessness of not knowing how to do any good for you. The reasons are as many as there are people, some more noble than others and some cruely selfish. Just remember it has nothing to do with you, it is their unresolved issues within themselves.
My Onc Psych described cancer as a river we have all crossed. with the rest of the world on the other side. Sometimes that river is a torrent, and the ones who stand by you are only on the other side of a little trickling creek.
One day at a time. You are your best resource.
Thanks for the encouragement. It really seems like a lonely boatride right now. I said yesterday I am thankful Jesus is my life preserver on this river ride.0 -
I think this is a greatgagee said:Maybe they just need time to
Maybe they just need time to adjust to you having cancer. It can be scary for them as well. My daughters didn't think I had any thing so terrible because my cancer was small. But..... to me it was CANCER.....
My Prayers are with You,
This is a great place to be right now. Everyone is just great.
Diana
I think this is a great resource... thanks for the encouragement and sharing.0 -
We understand...Bar_B said:Thanks
Thanks for the encouragement. It really seems like a lonely boatride right now. I said yesterday I am thankful Jesus is my life preserver on this river ride.
We certainly understand how you feel...we've probably all had this happen...i know it's happened to me.....as was said, it's NOT you! I have a "friend" of almost 25 years...she lives 4 houses down....and this is my second go round of the beast, chemo, brain radiation, etc....anyway, she has never so much as walked down the street to see me....and when I do see her, her standard words are "if you need anything let me know"...as if I would ask her! No thanks! My immediate family consists of my husband, grown kids and 4 grands...both kids and grands live an hour away...they're all I need! My extended family are hundreds of miles away...yet some have made the trip....yet I have a friend of just 2 years who can't do enough...but she gets it...she had bc two years ago....
So, sad as it is, you have to let it go....you can come here anytime...this is a fantastic group of women!!!! I can't stress that enough! Always someone to answer questions, give moral support...only thing we can't do for you is cook meals or clean your house! haha....Or make people understand what we're dealing with....
Please post agin...we really do care
Hugs, Nancy0 -
...MAJW said:We understand...
We certainly understand how you feel...we've probably all had this happen...i know it's happened to me.....as was said, it's NOT you! I have a "friend" of almost 25 years...she lives 4 houses down....and this is my second go round of the beast, chemo, brain radiation, etc....anyway, she has never so much as walked down the street to see me....and when I do see her, her standard words are "if you need anything let me know"...as if I would ask her! No thanks! My immediate family consists of my husband, grown kids and 4 grands...both kids and grands live an hour away...they're all I need! My extended family are hundreds of miles away...yet some have made the trip....yet I have a friend of just 2 years who can't do enough...but she gets it...she had bc two years ago....
So, sad as it is, you have to let it go....you can come here anytime...this is a fantastic group of women!!!! I can't stress that enough! Always someone to answer questions, give moral support...only thing we can't do for you is cook meals or clean your house! haha....Or make people understand what we're dealing with....
Please post agin...we really do care
Hugs, Nancy
Unfortunately, I have also had a great friend of many years just stop being my friend for lack of better explanation. We shared a lot together but I can only surmise that my cancer was just something she could not allow herself to be any part of. I really miss her friendship, some days more than others. Occasionally, on holidays, I might call and leave her a voicemail wishing her well. I'm always surprised that she hasn't changed her number.
(((Hugs)))0 -
How I wish this scenario
How I wish this scenario wasn't so all around us. I found out that most people are too scared to face this dreaded disease even though they are not the ones actually being beaten down by it.
We all want to believe that family will always be right beside you in one of the darkest hours of our lives. I found out that my family seems to care on the surface only. It's the niceties of "how are you" "what's new" etc. Never did one of them ask if I needed help. They just assumed I was doing what I have to and that was the end of it. SO, I surround myself with a new family. They are called my true friends.
You know, having been on the other side (the one who didn't know what to say when another person was sick) has shown me how weak we all are in the throws of this disease. I feel sorry for those who cannot help a fellow human being because they are scared of it.
I am now looking at some bad news and have decided that my family will not know about it. If they find out, which most likely will happen, and want to know why I didn't say anything, I will simply tell them that this is a private matter and leave it at that. That's something they tell me all the time. They have told me that they would never tell anyone about a serious illness because it's private. So ... then I will do the same.
It's sad to know that you are going through this. I wish I could comfort you. The one thing I can say is to stay positive and surround yourself with folks YOU KNOW are there for you because they want to be.
Hugs and sincere wishes that the sky will bluer and the sun a little bit shinier with each passing day0 -
my thoughts
I too have lost longtime friends. I think they just can't handle dealing with thkier own mortality. Maybe they worry it might happen to them and they don't wnat to see what it does to you. Frankly they really were not your friends but aquaintences mistaken for friends because a real friend will be there for you. I have three good friends that I love like sisters. The others were just blips in my life. Its not you its them. Let them go lifes to short to worry about them. Terry0 -
We understand
I think that people don't want to be sad, and dealing with our cancer issues makes them sad...so they leave. They want to laugh and have BBQ's and go out to dinner and take cruises and not think about death. And that is what they think about when they are around us. The end. But we "AIN'T DEAD YET" that is what I want to scream at them with my deepest southern accent. And I don't want to be defined by cancer and talk about it all of the time either, but when you are tired or sick you really can't do anything else.
We all seem to have this problem. But, I can say that I have other friends now, and most of them have or have had breast cancer. The others have become friends due to having had a close family member that had cancer and they want to stay close in sympathy. So, all things change...don't be too hard on the ones that couldn't stay close. You have it in your power to comfort others and make friends with different people now.
All things change!
You have friends here,
Rebecca0 -
You have us!
Hi sweet sister, and welcome! So sorry you had to join us. But we are here to help on anything we can. We too need love and support so we have each other to count on! YAY!
I am also sorry you are loosing some friends. And you know what? It's better to be alone than to deal with fake people, right? I know we all need a lot of love and support during bad times, but not everyone can offer that. The word "cancer" is pretty scary to most people. Specially when they haven't lived through it, or have not seen someone else go through it. And this is OK. I hope you have the love and support from your family, or closer friends. You have us too.
@sdukowitz - there are actually people who think cancer is contagious?! This is so ignorant and funny at the same time. I have heard some worse comments that I feel embarrassed to post here. Out of respect. What can we do but to forgive them and move on?0 -
It's about controlLoveBabyJesus said:You have us!
Hi sweet sister, and welcome! So sorry you had to join us. But we are here to help on anything we can. We too need love and support so we have each other to count on! YAY!
I am also sorry you are loosing some friends. And you know what? It's better to be alone than to deal with fake people, right? I know we all need a lot of love and support during bad times, but not everyone can offer that. The word "cancer" is pretty scary to most people. Specially when they haven't lived through it, or have not seen someone else go through it. And this is OK. I hope you have the love and support from your family, or closer friends. You have us too.
@sdukowitz - there are actually people who think cancer is contagious?! This is so ignorant and funny at the same time. I have heard some worse comments that I feel embarrassed to post here. Out of respect. What can we do but to forgive them and move on?
If someone has already said this, my apologies for repeating it.
As a kid, I changed schools almost every year. By the time I graduated high school, I'd been to 13 different schools. And no, I never got caught in my shenanigans, so it was not a discipline problem. My dad had itchy feet, so we just moved a lot.
By the time I was in 3rd grade, I knew not to make "lifelong" friends...cos I probably wouldn't see them the following September. So, I kept myself pretty aloof. sure, I had friends that I hung out with, and considered "besties"...but I knew it wouldn't last.
I'm sure there's a psychological term for it (and my bad spelling!) but I learned not to get too attached to people, other than family. That's a sad commentary...Anywhooo...
Some of these people may be "leaving" you because they're afraid you'll die and then where will they be? I mean, you might be so rude as to die in the middle of the night, or on a trip...or the day before you were supposed to have lunch with them. It matters not a whit what your diagnoses is, or how your treatment is going. Some people just hear "cancer" and think "uh oh, dead girl walkin'" (Very rude, I agree)
So, in their minds, they're shutting down the relationship now, under their terms, rather than later, whenever God decides your time has come. They are protecting themselves. Sadly, they are also showing what kind of friends they are. Not very good ones.
As I've gotten older, I've not gained many more good friends. My family keeps me busy...and if my end time comes sooner than later, they all know the drill. Party till I drop! Get kicked out of the hospital cos I play my music too loud, or too much dancing in the halls. It's good when family can be friends also.0 -
friendsbluwillo said:It's about control
If someone has already said this, my apologies for repeating it.
As a kid, I changed schools almost every year. By the time I graduated high school, I'd been to 13 different schools. And no, I never got caught in my shenanigans, so it was not a discipline problem. My dad had itchy feet, so we just moved a lot.
By the time I was in 3rd grade, I knew not to make "lifelong" friends...cos I probably wouldn't see them the following September. So, I kept myself pretty aloof. sure, I had friends that I hung out with, and considered "besties"...but I knew it wouldn't last.
I'm sure there's a psychological term for it (and my bad spelling!) but I learned not to get too attached to people, other than family. That's a sad commentary...Anywhooo...
Some of these people may be "leaving" you because they're afraid you'll die and then where will they be? I mean, you might be so rude as to die in the middle of the night, or on a trip...or the day before you were supposed to have lunch with them. It matters not a whit what your diagnoses is, or how your treatment is going. Some people just hear "cancer" and think "uh oh, dead girl walkin'" (Very rude, I agree)
So, in their minds, they're shutting down the relationship now, under their terms, rather than later, whenever God decides your time has come. They are protecting themselves. Sadly, they are also showing what kind of friends they are. Not very good ones.
As I've gotten older, I've not gained many more good friends. My family keeps me busy...and if my end time comes sooner than later, they all know the drill. Party till I drop! Get kicked out of the hospital cos I play my music too loud, or too much dancing in the halls. It's good when family can be friends also.
I agree that people abandon a cancer victim because it makes them face their own mortality. It's tough to take, when you really need a friend. You really find out who your real friends are, too. BTW, many people we think of as "friends" really are just acquaintances or colleagues who are thrown into the same environment as we are.
I was a coach for 25 years and I often said the same thing to the young men & women that I worked with. "You have far fewer friends than you think you do."---If I had a dollar for every time I had told someone that....
Hang in there, be strong, and remember that we are here for you. (((Hugs)))0 -
I'm sorry forTux said:friends
I agree that people abandon a cancer victim because it makes them face their own mortality. It's tough to take, when you really need a friend. You really find out who your real friends are, too. BTW, many people we think of as "friends" really are just acquaintances or colleagues who are thrown into the same environment as we are.
I was a coach for 25 years and I often said the same thing to the young men & women that I worked with. "You have far fewer friends than you think you do."---If I had a dollar for every time I had told someone that....
Hang in there, be strong, and remember that we are here for you. (((Hugs)))
I'm sorry for what your friends have done.No longer want to associate with you.I can't understand it but to me they were never your friends.True friends wouldn't do that.Oh and if they can't be your friend now I sure wouldn't want them to ever come back around if they ever take a notion. They are inconsiderate and self centered.They can walk away if they can't take it but they never know if it may strike them or a loved one.Also who knows we cancer patient may live very long lives. Whose to say.My mom was a 60 year survivor dx at age 21 in the 1940's.
My cancer was very very small also.No chemo or radiation but I have CANCER.I was the lucky one to not have chemo but would've felt more comfortable with radiation. I was Stage 0.Still doesn't make you feel that much safer.Like my doctor told me I could get other types of cancer
I didn't have problems with my friends.Honestly most of my friends have been dx before me.Long time survivors with a much more advanced cancer than mine. Still life is uncertain.I tell everyone I have a long life Ahead of me and I feel that some days but not other days.Just uncertainty with this beast.
Planned my class reunion a couple years ago.Of course I told them I will be back for my 50th Class reunion.It will be one HAPPY REUNION.
You'll make new friends.You have all of us here on the Board.We care about you.
Lynn Smith0 -
What do you do? Make room in
What do you do? Make room in your life for all of the great people you will meet on this journey. Is not your fault and it's not about you.
The same thing happened with one of my best friends. I was also dating a man who "couldn't do cancer", I was stunned and my breast surgeon told me it happens more often than you might think- he's had so many patients where the men leave. (he's kind of an amazing doctor that you find yourself telling him everything).
It's not about you-their own coping abilities are severly challenged and I was so surprised to learn that about these two people. Now with some time I can see that they we're emotionally deficient. the great thing- it made room in my life for new people and other people who stepped up and are still friend today-6 years later.
I'm sorry for the loss you are feeling but it will get better. Let the new people in. They are the ones who can cope and will provide the supprort you need.
I promise- it will get better!0 -
VERY well Said..!tufi000 said:Common
You are finding out who your friends are as we all have. It's not about you, remember that. It is about them. Their fear, their inability to look at this in the face, and sometimes, just the frustration and helplessness of not knowing how to do any good for you. The reasons are as many as there are people, some more noble than others and some cruely selfish. Just remember it has nothing to do with you, it is their unresolved issues within themselves.
My Onc Psych described cancer as a river we have all crossed. with the rest of the world on the other side. Sometimes that river is a torrent, and the ones who stand by you are only on the other side of a little trickling creek.
One day at a time. You are your best resource.
Denise
VERY well Said..!
Denise0 -
I am not sure how to answertufi000 said:Common
You are finding out who your friends are as we all have. It's not about you, remember that. It is about them. Their fear, their inability to look at this in the face, and sometimes, just the frustration and helplessness of not knowing how to do any good for you. The reasons are as many as there are people, some more noble than others and some cruely selfish. Just remember it has nothing to do with you, it is their unresolved issues within themselves.
My Onc Psych described cancer as a river we have all crossed. with the rest of the world on the other side. Sometimes that river is a torrent, and the ones who stand by you are only on the other side of a little trickling creek.
One day at a time. You are your best resource.
I am not sure how to answer you except to say that if anyone, a friend or relative abandon you when you have cancer, I don't think you want them in your life anyway.
Good luck to you and we are your pink sisters,
Debby0 -
WOW!
I am overwhelmed by the support and encouragement from all of you, thank you! Your comments have helped more than you will ever know. This is an amazing group.
I feel like saying... Alrighty, then... leave those people to their own lives... pick up the boots, jump on the horse and ride off with the new friends I've made here!! Yeehah!
lol... Ok, as you may find out in the future, I have a sense of humor and I have some funny stories to tell about cancer. Maybe we should start a topic of funny things that have happened?0 -
First - give them an opportunity to do something3cbrca said:What do you do? Make room in
What do you do? Make room in your life for all of the great people you will meet on this journey. Is not your fault and it's not about you.
The same thing happened with one of my best friends. I was also dating a man who "couldn't do cancer", I was stunned and my breast surgeon told me it happens more often than you might think- he's had so many patients where the men leave. (he's kind of an amazing doctor that you find yourself telling him everything).
It's not about you-their own coping abilities are severly challenged and I was so surprised to learn that about these two people. Now with some time I can see that they we're emotionally deficient. the great thing- it made room in my life for new people and other people who stepped up and are still friend today-6 years later.
I'm sorry for the loss you are feeling but it will get better. Let the new people in. They are the ones who can cope and will provide the supprort you need.
I promise- it will get better!
Relationships just plain take work. I've given this a whole lot of thought because I was really hurt by 2 of my closest friends, a lifelong friend, and my only sister. And it's taken me 2 years to get to where I am. But enough about my situation.
My "take" on this is similar to others - they're frightened, angry, and then there's all the wonderful stuff in the press/movies that makes cancer sound like it's just not a big deal anymore, and you're going to be fine because so and so was. And then there's "she'll call me if she needs anything" "I'll call tomorrow", etc. And remember, they're "outside". They don't get it. They really don't.
I think when this happens and we feel hurt by it, we need to re-evaluate how important this person is to us and if they are, then we may have to make that contact with them. We might need to tell them what we need/want from them (a visit/phone call/ride, etc.). If the relationship isn't really important, then we need to recognize that. But if it is, sometimes we just need to speak up and say "I need your friendship, will you please whatever".
We're here for you - always. Because WE understand.
Suzanne0
Discussion Boards
- All Discussion Boards
- 6 CSN Information
- 6 Welcome to CSN
- 121.8K Cancer specific
- 2.8K Anal Cancer
- 446 Bladder Cancer
- 309 Bone Cancers
- 1.6K Brain Cancer
- 28.5K Breast Cancer
- 397 Childhood Cancers
- 27.9K Colorectal Cancer
- 4.6K Esophageal Cancer
- 1.2K Gynecological Cancers (other than ovarian and uterine)
- 13K Head and Neck Cancer
- 6.4K Kidney Cancer
- 671 Leukemia
- 792 Liver Cancer
- 4.1K Lung Cancer
- 5.1K Lymphoma (Hodgkin and Non-Hodgkin)
- 237 Multiple Myeloma
- 7.1K Ovarian Cancer
- 61 Pancreatic Cancer
- 487 Peritoneal Cancer
- 5.5K Prostate Cancer
- 1.2K Rare and Other Cancers
- 539 Sarcoma
- 730 Skin Cancer
- 653 Stomach Cancer
- 191 Testicular Cancer
- 1.5K Thyroid Cancer
- 5.8K Uterine/Endometrial Cancer
- 6.3K Lifestyle Discussion Boards