Mixed Feelings

First ... I want to say thank you for the birthday wishes. It's a nice surprise and much needed pick me up. THANK YOU!!

Last week was such a see saw. I was up and I was down. Let me give you a snap shot.

The week before last, I had seen my pulmologist. He went over the results of that methacholine challenge and said I have asthma. So he prescribes an inhaler called Provent. By Saturday afternoon, I was having an allergic reaction. No biggie. I just take some benedryl and wait for it to pass. I called his office on Monday to discuss this. I was having so much trouble getting 3 words out no less breathing. The nurse was mad at me for not going to the ER over the weekend. I didn't see any reason to go since I know they would only do what I did. Give me benedryl. She wanted me to go there...STAT. I refused. I get a call about 15 minutes later from a doctor I don't know but who knows my pulmonologist. He told me to go to the ER and he would meet me there. I HAD TO GO....Fast forward...I am admitted for observation (I arrived at the hospital at 11 AM and finally got a bed at 9:30PM) Lots of tests and lots of drugs being pumped into my system and NO SLEEP. The cough is better and I am breathing better too. I was on steroids and because of that, my blood sugar rose to over 400! Now I am started on Lantis and Prandin. It was just one drug after the other. Now here is where I get a shock that put me into a tailspin.

While in the ER I had an xray. I didn't hear anything about the results until Tuesday morning. I was told that the largest lung nodule had grown from 8mm to 1.3cm. I couldn't speak. Literally couldn't speak. The doctor asked when I was scheduled to see my oncologist. I tell him after Labor Day. He said "NO...you need to get in to see her by next week". How scary is that???? I was released late Tuesday night (with a nebulizer too). I decided not to make an appointment with oncologist because I know I have an appointment with the thoracic surgeon on Friday.

Wednesday was a blur. I was scared, tired and anxious. Then Thursday (my birthday) I am sitting with the BS. Gawd I love her. She gives me the big pink bow for my birthday and says she will see me in 6 months. She did ask about the lung issues though. She said "crap" when I tell her what's going on and then hugged me. She wanted to know what my MO thought (she was talking about the first MO I had) I told her I don't see her anymore because I felt talked down to. Know what the BS said? She said "Dr so and so did the same to me!" Holy cow ... She only qualified my decision to show that doctor the door. Anyway, my BS wants me to stay in contact with her as I go through this lung stuff. She wants to help me any way she can. I am blessed.

OK ... the thoracic surgeon appointment. He says he isn't too concerned just yet about the nodule that has grown. Of course I didn't understand this but he had his reasons. First, he knows I am being treated with steroids and doxycycline (sp?) Which tells him there are other issues going on right now. Second, he tells me that surgery is very risky and he has seen this sort of thing many times and it sometimes will work itself out. Third, the only "evidence" of this nodule having grown to 1.3cm is on an xray. He won't even qualify an xray. He did read the CT scan and report however and did say that this is something he wants to keep a watch on. I was a bit un-nerved at one point cuz he was saying that the original 1.2cm nodule had only grown .01mm. I had to point out to him that the 1.2cm nodule is in the right lobe and the 1.3cm nodule is in the left lobe. He looked at the report 3 more times and then said he wanted to look over the scan again. He leaves the room and comes back still saying that it's not the right time to do a biopsy.

We talked about what the next course of action will be. He told me that because I am a breast cancer patient I will need to be followed closely forever. He doesn't want to take any chances with me. He says "one more scan and this time I want it done here at Sloan Kettering". I have that scan and an appointment with him in 3 months.

It's been a difficult week. I was so depressed and felt so uncertain. I am still a bit uncertain but am starting to understand why people say "this is my new normal". I may not be in the same place as many of my sisters, but I understand how cancer changes lives FOREVER. I am not out of the woods just yet.

I am going to forget about this until 2 weeks before that next scan. MAN ... I hate this. The NOT knowing is going to make me crazy.

So there it is. The week in hell. Now ... I am getting ready to go see the Doobie Bros and Chicago rock out tomorrow night. Hubby got us VIP BOX seats for my birthday. Then we are off to upstate NY. Going to the Baseball Hall of Fame and then to the lakes region and some wine sampling. (wink wink) From there we will be visiting a dear friend (known her for 30 years) who I haven't seen in 15 years. I am wicked excited.

Life is good ... not always kind ... but good.

xoxo
Mary