Didn't have to make the decision....

My doctor made it for me. Today I had my appointment with him. I was scheduled for chemo, Herceptin, Decadron and Xgeva. I had my vitals done, was accessed, my nurse started the Herceptin. Then I went in the examining room to wait for the doctor. He came in and asked me how the week went.

I told him I had the low-grade fever, 99.something last Monday when I was there. Told him it started the Friday before, 2 days after stopping the antibiotic, and between Monday and Friday morning, it bounced from 99 - 102, with the highest 102.4. He told me I should have called him or gone to the ER. I told him didn't know where it was coming from, other than the UTI back.

He then said we were not doing the chemo, we would finish the Herceptin, and the Xgeva. He again explained when the positive effects of treatment are outweighed by s/e and toll it is taking on your body, it is time to stop. I made him promise me at the beginning when I reached this point that he would be honest with me. This was one of the conditions I placed on having chemo again.

In 2 weeks, August 20th, I have a Pet Scan and CT, possibly an MRI following. I see him on August 27th. I see my hospice doctor this Thursday to start the Fentanyl. I am done with chemo for good, unless these scans end up being miracle scans.

He gave me the prognosis from here going forward. I sat and cried like a baby, and he cried right with me. Then my nurse (who really has become a good friend over the years) came in to remove the line, looked at me and she just sat with me for a few minutes and cried right with me.

Then the hard part. First my younger son text me from work to find out what I had decided, I was replying, when my older son called. When I heard his voice I couldn't stop crying, and felt so bad for making him so sad. This is not new news here, I knew this was coming, I have felt my body going south fast for the last few months. I have done so much better than was ever expected, yet, it is so hard now that the decision is made.

Honestly though, I am in bed more than out, and when I am active, I am down for the days following. I have had friends (and watched some when I was volunteering with hospice) who insisted on chemo up till the end and were chemo sick til their last breadth. I did not want this. My doctor has always referred to this as chemo junkies. He understands the hope part, but has said it is usually that the patient is getting pressured from family not to quit, so they keep getting it even though they know it is no longer helping enough to make a difference, but they don't want to let their family down.

He said my boys have talked to him about this, and what ever he feels is best, if I agree, they support. I am very blessed that I am doing this with the blessing of my family and my friends. Almost all of my sisters and one of my brothers know my doctor from when he was treating my mom, and they all trust him so this makes it much easier for me.

I thank all of you for being so supportive, and there are never too many prayers.

Love, Carol