“HOPE” – The Straw That Stirs the Drink

Hope is an interesting fella’, isn’t he?

I’ve found him to be a very elusive at different times in my life – he can give with one hand – and take away with the other. Sometimes he can be with us in one breath – and then gone in the next.

It seems we are always chasing him down throughout our lives…this makes sense to me as I’ve come to understand that Hope is the cornerstone of our foundations – it is the building block that we construct our lives upon.

And when we lose Hope – we lose part of ourselves.

And when Hope is gone – we are gone – because Hope equals Life, and without it present inside the fabric of our being – we cease to live – and shift to existence – which is Life minus Hope.

It’s not always easy to just put Hope back in one’s life – it’s not like a light switch that you can turn on and off on a whim or because you demand it to be so. It’s not something that can just magically be there again, because someone told you that it should be.

That’s because Hope – much like Life – is a constantly moving target and as such, it’s hard to pinpoint with any real accuracy. We can aim for it, but we’re blind to what the target is supposed to look like.

“What is Hope supposed to look like?”

Good question – I don’t think it takes on the form of a physical shape in our lives. I don’t think that Hope can really be seen.

“How do you see it then – what’s your definition of Hope?”

I see Hope as something that we cannot see – instead, it is that intangible human element that only we can feel.

We “feel” Hope don’t we?

We can only see it after we have felt it – that’s how we know when we’ve found it. When you feel your spirit lifting and your backbone straightening – those are feelings of Hope, aren’t they?

Hope is that pride swelling in your chest – the feeling that you’re heart is gonna’ burst – that innate human need to climb onto the nearest rooftop and shout something to the world that you’re gonna’ be okay…or that you at least think it will be okay again…

See, that’s "The Feeling of Hope."

And it’s overwhelming as the sensation roars through your veins with the thunderous noise of stampeding buffaloes across the Great Plains.

It’s a part of the emotional equation that we all need to have in our cancer fights – but aside from that – we need to have that feeling at different times in all aspect of our lives in order to make it to the next stop – with or without cancer.

For hope itself is found through every crevice of our lives – it nestles itself in our subconscious during our waking and slumbering hours – it nurtures and talks to us in our dreams as well as our nightmares - and it manifests itself and takes on the shape of the person who holds it.

Once we feel Hope – then we can see Hope.

The vision through our eyes then are nothing more than the confirmation from what we are feeling at that moment – that Moment of Hope that we are experiencing for that time frame in our life.

But, make no mistake – Hope can be a fleeting sensation as well – one second we are holding onto and then the Winds of Change blow it right out of our hands - and our hearts quickly follow suit.

We are then left with Fear, Fright, Uncertainty, Apprehension and a big dose of The Unknown.

When Hope slips out under the fence – he can be long gone before you recognized that he had even left. And as I mentioned, he is sometimes hard to find again – but try and find him we must.

We can’t go crazy searching – some things in Life just come to us when they were meant to – when they are needed the most – when we are down to our last flicker….

I’ve found that all we can really do for Hope – is to leave the light on for him – for surely, he will return to us and by leaving the path lit – we show him the way back to us.

One last thing I can tell you as a veteran fighter who has many tours of duty under his belt…

Hope is an emotion – and as such, it burns like a brightly lit candle burning at both ends…it shines bright – but not for very long. I see it as an instrumental piece of our armament that we use, when we use EMOTION as part of our battle strategy.

Cancer is a long, hard battle that can go on endlessly for years….for that very reason, Emotional fighting will inevitably fail us, if that’s solely what we’re relying on.

Here’s an analogy. You know how at the beginning of a sporting event, how the teams are huddled up, jumping up and down and pumping themselves up before they go play?

They are all fired up – they hit the field and get their **** whipped by the other side, because the other side did not let their emotions overrule the discipline they needed to keep a level head.

Emotion runs like that with cancer. Now, I absolutely feel that we have to “Use and Harness” certain emotional moments in our fights and our lives to get us through – there’s no mistaking that. It’s critical and essential to our well beings to tap into those moments and ride those waves to the shoreline.

But, we can’t solely rely on our emotions – you have to treat cancer like a business and for the most part, keep the emotions in check – until it’s time to tap into them and draw from the well what you need at that precise time.

This helps prevent the tremendous Hi’s and Lo’s that we all experience in life as well as cancer.

There are always going to be those times when we draw our swords and yell “Charge” as we race out onto the battlefield full speed into the foray ready to embrace the challenge that is also charging full speed against us.

But, we must use Logic, Time and Patience into this equation as well….these are the great equalizers and are the weapons of choice when we are fighting “The Long Haul.”

They will be what sustain our daily fights in life – and Hope and our emotions are the gunpowder we use to ignite that special weapon that each one of us possesses inside us that can take us to heights that we need to climb – at the time that we need to do it.

Now, you know I like to “Huck and Shuck” and puff and bluster a lot of times when I talk…I build myself up so I can tear it down and get to what’s real. During my time, I’ve talked openly and honestly about many things – on many different topics. I talked about whatever I was feeling.

I’ve talked about Hope, Courage, Strength, Tenacity, Perseverance, Trust Honor, Integrity, Character…I’ve also talked about Depression, Loneliness, Hopelessness, Helplessness, and Despair…

And most importantly, I’ve talked about my own frailties, fallibilities, and human weaknesses – and how I’ve dealt with them and overcome them.

This is a topic where my dad disagreed with me…it was one of the last real discussions that we had at the end of last year, before he turned ill and passed away this year.

He told me that I was “not smart” for doing what I was doing….for telling everyone on this board how weak that I was and the struggles I was enduring. He said people will not think too much about you.

He told me I was wrong.

I disagreed with him then – and I disagree now.

I told him that I thought my story lended some credibility and validity to the things I was talking about. We respond to the Underdog - we like stories of tragedy and then triumph...we get Hope from that....and I thought that at times, I was able to provide some folks with a glimmer of Hope that would reflect themselves when they read some of what I had written.

All I’ve ever done is show the “Vulnerability and Insecurity” that has been inside me at times – which is the same feeling that you have been feeling; only I committed it to words on a page.

“Embracing the Vulnerability” is what I’ve learned in this life – that’s where it’s at - that’s what connects you to people – that’s what makes them feel – that’s what makes them think – that’s what makes us care.

For, we see a part of ourselves through someone else’s eyes – and it’s then that we realize that we aren’t unique – rather, we are all bonded along the same seams as the next person. And that’s always important for someone else to realize – that feeling that they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings.

I know that I had lost Hope these past six-months - “Life Got in the Way.”

And I found myself existing – I found myself back in the clutches of what I like to call “The Living Depression.” This differs greatly from clinical depression. I was going through the motions of life, but there was no joy – no hope – no satisfaction – no matter which way I turned.

Of course, dad played a big role in this and the way that he constructed his life, acted as huge black hole that swallowed our very existence and our lives just became his. I’ve handled a lot of adversity in my life – but this one was just about the nail in the coffin for me.

In addition, I had started feeling irrelevant on this board and that my time had come. With the recent influx of new members, I began to tell myself that none of the new folks would be interested in what this cancer dinosaur had to say anymore – the window had closed and perhaps it had finally come time for me to make a graceful exit, while I still had my dignity intact.

It was just a combination of things and many factors that came together at the right time that sucked Hope right up through the roof – like the vortex of a tornado. It was the convergence of all these events at just the right time…"The Perfect Storm."

And then…..

I began to get some correspondence from some members – and they were letting me know that they needed help – and their words helped to ease my transition back into the mainstream and get me heading back towards the other direction that I was led astray from during the recent storm in my life.

Along the way, I discovered Hope again for myself and my future – and for that of others and their futures as well.

Recently, I was talking with my wife about a “2nd Chance” at life after we settle all of the estate business and if my health continues to hold out. It was here that I once again felt the “Rumblings of Hope” trying to come to life in my soul once more.

It was like going out to pull-start your mower after a long winter season of non-use. With each pull, I could feel a little bit more as I cranked the cord – but we’ve still not got the engine started yet.

But, I ‘feel’ like we can get it started one more time if we just keep going and things hold together – and therein lays the key – for me – and for you.

“I Feel Again - and Now I Can See Again.”

And now that my vision is slowly clearing – I can see direction once more over the horizon – and with direction, I can see purpose – and with purpose – I can see a chance – and a chance is all that any of us can ever ask for, isn’t it?

“Got Hope?”

I’ll let you know after Thanksgiving when we scan again:)

-Craig