Really just so disappointed

My implant became contaminated some weeks ago. What happened is that there was a rough patch of skin that began to leak clear fluid, effectively it was called a seroma. My PS insisted it was contaminated although the culture came back that it wasn't infected. So, it was exchanged for a new implant.

All was well and the wound closed up nicely with a thin line for a scar. Then, I was rubbing/massaging it aggressively - as I'd been told to do in the past to break up the collagen for minimal scarring and capsular contraction. I managed to rip 1/3 of the wound open after 3 weeks of being closed already.

I've been to the ER twice so far for steri-strip closures and then dermabond. Numerous visits back to my PS for staples last week and now this week I have 4 Frankenstein-ish stitches. This is because the wound had actually gotten bigger, I was so surprised because to me it looked like the wound was getting smaller over time.

Now my PS will be on leave for the next month or so with no replacement so I'll be seeing a general surgeon instead.

My PS actually told me to stop picking at the wound area. It took a lot of resolve to not yell at the top of my lungs that I was not EVER at ANY time 'picking' at ANYTHING whatsoever. And that I was only doing what I had been told to do after prior surgeries by the very same PS. Yeah, it's my fault - but I can't help but think that I wouldn't ever even thought about touching the area let alone rub or massage it vigorously had I not been told to do this previously.

Yeah it's my fault but seriously where did I get the idea from in the first place?!!

Really, I am just so disappointed about all of this.