Religious nuts etc...

garym said:

Blonde in first class...
A blonde was sitting in economy class on a flight from Seattle to Chicago. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. "Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear. "I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class. "What did you say to her?" asks the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot. "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago", the pilot replied.

garym said:

No book...
Some are original, some I just run across and save for the right occasion, here's more:

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1..Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2..Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ****.
3..Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4..Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5..Bozone( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6..Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8..Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9..Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one received extra credit.)
11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer, man.
12.Decafalon(n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13.Glibido: All talk and no action.
14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15.Arachnoleptic Fit(n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16.Beelzebug(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17.Caterpallor( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit yo u're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1..Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2..Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3..Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4.esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5..Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6..Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7...Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. (I looove this one!)
8..Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9..Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10.Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11.Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12..Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13.Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15.Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.Circumvent, n.. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Texas_wedge said:

The Defective Parrot
This message is especially for Gary, who has a healthy attitude towards being over-serious (hence his starting this thread). I must warn those of a sensitive disposition that they may be well-advised to give this story the go-by.


The Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you
asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your
wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at
the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her
nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and
began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch!'

garym said:

Nonagrams...
And by trading the "W" for a couple other letters in TEXAS WEDGE you get;

GOLFER EXTRAORDINAIRE, RESEARCH CHAMPION, and ONE FUNNY GUY

garym said:

The hairdryer...
A young woman on a flight
from Ireland asked the priest beside her, Father,
may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for
my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over
the
Custom limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way
you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your
robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will
not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of
her.


The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything t o declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And
what do you have to declare from your waist to the
floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said,'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

donna_lee said:

Only the truth
This is true. I was asked to speak to the Survivor's Luncheon at the local Relay for Life a couple of years ago and was looking for comments to "hook" the audience. I'd purchased one of the multi colored beaded bracelets from a local bank doing an ACS fundraiser, and really got to looking at it.
"Now I can understand using the pink bead to recognize womens' breast cancer; and the blue bead for prostate cancer; and gold for childrens' cancers....but who on earth decided on Pea Green for Kidney Cancer?"

Been There, Done That...three times.
Donna_Lee