Religious nuts etc...
Comments
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Stitch-bustersgarym said:Blonde in first class...
A blonde was sitting in economy class on a flight from Seattle to Chicago. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. "Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear. "I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class. "What did you say to her?" asks the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot. "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago", the pilot replied.
Gary, do you have a book of these? Please either give me the book title or go ahead and publish your book!0 -
No book...Texas_wedge said:Stitch-busters
Gary, do you have a book of these? Please either give me the book title or go ahead and publish your book!
Some are original, some I just run across and save for the right occasion, here's more:
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1..Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2..Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ****.
3..Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4..Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5..Bozone( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6..Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8..Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9..Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one received extra credit.)
11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer, man.
12.Decafalon(n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13.Glibido: All talk and no action.
14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15.Arachnoleptic Fit(n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16.Beelzebug(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17.Caterpallor( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit yo u're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1..Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2..Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3..Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4.esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5..Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6..Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7...Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. (I looove this one!)
8..Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9..Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10.Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11.Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12..Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13.Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15.Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.Circumvent, n.. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.0 -
Bookmarkedgarym said:No book...
Some are original, some I just run across and save for the right occasion, here's more:
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1..Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2..Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ****.
3..Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4..Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5..Bozone( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6..Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8..Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9..Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one received extra credit.)
11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer, man.
12.Decafalon(n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13.Glibido: All talk and no action.
14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15.Arachnoleptic Fit(n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16.Beelzebug(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17.Caterpallor( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit yo u're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1..Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2..Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3..Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4.esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5..Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6..Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7...Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. (I looove this one!)
8..Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9..Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10.Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11.Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12..Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13.Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15.Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.Circumvent, n.. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
and well worth sending on to word-smithing members of family and friends who will appreciate such a good collection. Thanks again Gary.0 -
The Defective ParrotTexas_wedge said:Bookmarked
and well worth sending on to word-smithing members of family and friends who will appreciate such a good collection. Thanks again Gary.
This message is especially for Gary, who has a healthy attitude towards being over-serious (hence his starting this thread). I must warn those of a sensitive disposition that they may be well-advised to give this story the go-by.
The Defective Parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you
asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your
wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at
the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her
nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and
began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch!'0 -
AnagramsTexas_wedge said:The Defective Parrot
This message is especially for Gary, who has a healthy attitude towards being over-serious (hence his starting this thread). I must warn those of a sensitive disposition that they may be well-advised to give this story the go-by.
The Defective Parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you
asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your
wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at
the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her
nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and
began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch!'
As a quid pro quo for Gary's Mensa Invitational posting above, i offer these anagrams which a golfing buddy sent me the other day:
PRESBYTERIAN:- BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: - MOON STARER
DESPERATION:- A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:- THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE:- HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:- DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:- CASH LOST IN ME
MOTHER-IN-LAW:- HITLER WOMAN
ANIMOSITY:- IS NO AMITY
SNOOZE ALARMS:- ALAS NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT:- I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:- THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:- TWELVE PLUS ONE
and my personal favourite;
ELECTION RESULTS:- LIES - LETS RECOUNT0 -
Nonagrams...Texas_wedge said:Anagrams
As a quid pro quo for Gary's Mensa Invitational posting above, i offer these anagrams which a golfing buddy sent me the other day:
PRESBYTERIAN:- BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: - MOON STARER
DESPERATION:- A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:- THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE:- HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:- DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:- CASH LOST IN ME
MOTHER-IN-LAW:- HITLER WOMAN
ANIMOSITY:- IS NO AMITY
SNOOZE ALARMS:- ALAS NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT:- I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:- THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:- TWELVE PLUS ONE
and my personal favourite;
ELECTION RESULTS:- LIES - LETS RECOUNT
And by trading the "W" for a couple other letters in TEXAS WEDGE you get;
GOLFER EXTRAORDINAIRE, RESEARCH CHAMPION, and ONE FUNNY GUY0 -
Golf rulesgarym said:Nonagrams...
And by trading the "W" for a couple other letters in TEXAS WEDGE you get;
GOLFER EXTRAORDINAIRE, RESEARCH CHAMPION, and ONE FUNNY GUY
Since you've mentioned golf:
And, you thought you were a tough weather golfer.
This notice posted in war-torn Britain in 1940/1 for golfers with stiff upper lips.
You have to admit --- these guys really had guts!
German aircraft from Norway would fly on missions to northern England ; because of the icy weather conditions,
the barrels of their guns had a small dab of wax to protect them. As they crossed the coast, they would clear their guns by firing a few rounds at the golf courses. Golfers were urged to take cover.
Richmond Golf Club Temporary Rules, 1941
1. Players are asked to collect bomb and shrapnel splinters to save these causing damage to the mowing machines.
2. In competitions, during gunfire or while bombs are falling, players may take shelter without penalty for ceasing play.
3. The position of known delayed action bombs are marked by red flags at a reasonable, but not guaranteed, safe distance therefrom.
4. Shrapnel and/or bomb splinters on the fairways or in bunkers, within a club's length of a ball, may be moved without penalty, and no penalty shall be incurred if a ball is thereby caused to move accidentally.
5. A ball moved by enemy action may be replaced or, if lost or destroyed, a ball may be dropped not nearer the hole without penalty.
6. A ball lying in a crater may be lifted and dropped not nearer the hole, preserving the line to the hole, without penalty.
7. A player whose stroke is affected by the simultaneous explosion of a bomb may play another ball. Penalty one stroke.
I hope I have the stiff upper lip gene - it may come in handy with this tiresome cancer business!0 -
Cultural differencesTexas_wedge said:Golf rules
Since you've mentioned golf:
And, you thought you were a tough weather golfer.
This notice posted in war-torn Britain in 1940/1 for golfers with stiff upper lips.
You have to admit --- these guys really had guts!
German aircraft from Norway would fly on missions to northern England ; because of the icy weather conditions,
the barrels of their guns had a small dab of wax to protect them. As they crossed the coast, they would clear their guns by firing a few rounds at the golf courses. Golfers were urged to take cover.
Richmond Golf Club Temporary Rules, 1941
1. Players are asked to collect bomb and shrapnel splinters to save these causing damage to the mowing machines.
2. In competitions, during gunfire or while bombs are falling, players may take shelter without penalty for ceasing play.
3. The position of known delayed action bombs are marked by red flags at a reasonable, but not guaranteed, safe distance therefrom.
4. Shrapnel and/or bomb splinters on the fairways or in bunkers, within a club's length of a ball, may be moved without penalty, and no penalty shall be incurred if a ball is thereby caused to move accidentally.
5. A ball moved by enemy action may be replaced or, if lost or destroyed, a ball may be dropped not nearer the hole without penalty.
6. A ball lying in a crater may be lifted and dropped not nearer the hole, preserving the line to the hole, without penalty.
7. A player whose stroke is affected by the simultaneous explosion of a bomb may play another ball. Penalty one stroke.
I hope I have the stiff upper lip gene - it may come in handy with this tiresome cancer business!
WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE......
Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
[Lest there be any misunderstanding the last item refers to the all-too-familiar phenomenon of support calls, particularly in IT, having been so comprehensively off-shored that you're almost certain now to be answered by someone in Bangalore or elsewhere in the Sub-continent, invariably very courteous and highly intelligent but usually very soft-spoken, with a hard to interpret accent and having to slavishly follow a script.]0 -
Heart warming story...Texas_wedge said:Cultural differences
WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE......
Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
[Lest there be any misunderstanding the last item refers to the all-too-familiar phenomenon of support calls, particularly in IT, having been so comprehensively off-shored that you're almost certain now to be answered by someone in Bangalore or elsewhere in the Sub-continent, invariably very courteous and highly intelligent but usually very soft-spoken, with a hard to interpret accent and having to slavishly follow a script.]
In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant... Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.0 -
The hairdryer...garym said:Heart warming story...
In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant... Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
A young woman on a flight
from Ireland asked the priest beside her, Father,
may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for
my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over
the
Custom limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way
you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your
robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will
not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of
her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything t o declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And
what do you have to declare from your waist to the
floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said,'Go ahead, Father. Next!'0 -
Chicken joke...garym said:The hairdryer...
A young woman on a flight
from Ireland asked the priest beside her, Father,
may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for
my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over
the
Custom limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way
you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your
robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will
not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of
her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything t o declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And
what do you have to declare from your waist to the
floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said,'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
One day, Mr. Purdue of Purdue Chicken came up with this great marketing idea involving the Catholic Church. So he flies to Rome and makes an appointment to see the Pope. When he sees the Pope he says: "Your Holiness, I have a business proposition for you. My company, Purdue Chicken, is ready to give the Church a million dollars if you will just change one small line in the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. What do you say?"
The Pope looked at Mr. Purdue sternly and shook his head "no".
Mr. Purdue was undeterred. He continued: "Your Holiness, Purdue Chicken is a reputable company. We are prepared to increase our offer to $5 million dollars if you will just make that one tiny change from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'."
The Pope thought for a minute and again shook his head and said, "No, my son."
But Mr. Purdue was not ready to give up. "All right Your Holiness, you drive a hard bargain. We are willing to give the Church $10 MILLION DOLLARS if you will just make that one tiny little change from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' Do we have a deal?"
The Pope thought for a minute, then looked at Mr. Purdue, smiled, and said "All right, my son."
Later that day, the Pope called a meeting with the Cardinals. He said: "I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The good news is that the Church just made $10 million dollars in one day.
The bad news is that we lost the Wonderbread account."
0 -
Only the truthnyc_girl said:Chicken joke...
One day, Mr. Purdue of Purdue Chicken came up with this great marketing idea involving the Catholic Church. So he flies to Rome and makes an appointment to see the Pope. When he sees the Pope he says: "Your Holiness, I have a business proposition for you. My company, Purdue Chicken, is ready to give the Church a million dollars if you will just change one small line in the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. What do you say?"
The Pope looked at Mr. Purdue sternly and shook his head "no".
Mr. Purdue was undeterred. He continued: "Your Holiness, Purdue Chicken is a reputable company. We are prepared to increase our offer to $5 million dollars if you will just make that one tiny change from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'."
The Pope thought for a minute and again shook his head and said, "No, my son."
But Mr. Purdue was not ready to give up. "All right Your Holiness, you drive a hard bargain. We are willing to give the Church $10 MILLION DOLLARS if you will just make that one tiny little change from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' Do we have a deal?"
The Pope thought for a minute, then looked at Mr. Purdue, smiled, and said "All right, my son."
Later that day, the Pope called a meeting with the Cardinals. He said: "I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The good news is that the Church just made $10 million dollars in one day.
The bad news is that we lost the Wonderbread account."
This is true. I was asked to speak to the Survivor's Luncheon at the local Relay for Life a couple of years ago and was looking for comments to "hook" the audience. I'd purchased one of the multi colored beaded bracelets from a local bank doing an ACS fundraiser, and really got to looking at it.
"Now I can understand using the pink bead to recognize womens' breast cancer; and the blue bead for prostate cancer; and gold for childrens' cancers....but who on earth decided on Pea Green for Kidney Cancer?"
Been There, Done That...three times.
Donna_Lee0 -
Good onedonna_lee said:Only the truth
This is true. I was asked to speak to the Survivor's Luncheon at the local Relay for Life a couple of years ago and was looking for comments to "hook" the audience. I'd purchased one of the multi colored beaded bracelets from a local bank doing an ACS fundraiser, and really got to looking at it.
"Now I can understand using the pink bead to recognize womens' breast cancer; and the blue bead for prostate cancer; and gold for childrens' cancers....but who on earth decided on Pea Green for Kidney Cancer?"
Been There, Done That...three times.
Donna_Lee
Good one DL!0 -
Golf ballfoxhd said:Good one
Good one DL!
This priest not known for hitting that good a golf ball, was approaching a par three of 220 yards. The carry had to be at least 180 yards over water.. So he begins digging through his bag to find a water ball that he doesn't mind losing as he really does not expect to clear the water. As he sets it up on the tee he looks toward the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, please help me hit this old ball across the water." He then hears a voice from above. "Use a new ball." The priest thinks for a moment and says, "Do you really think I should?" Again he hears, "Use a new ball." So the priest tees up a brand new titliest and sets up to hit it. He then hears the voice again. "Take a practice swing." The priest knows that that is a good idea. So he steps back, takes a practice swing and hears the voice from the heavens one more time. "Use the old ball."0 -
Poor Leroy...
In a Tottenham church Sunday morning a preacher said,
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one of his fingers in Leroy's ear,
then he took his other hand and placed it on top of Leroy's head;
and then he prayed and prayed and eventually the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm .
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."0 -
Happy Friday everybody!!garym said:Poor Leroy...
In a Tottenham church Sunday morning a preacher said,
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one of his fingers in Leroy's ear,
then he took his other hand and placed it on top of Leroy's head;
and then he prayed and prayed and eventually the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm .
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
A few thoughts for the day
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do... and the eyesight to tell the
difference. Now that I'm older(but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you really haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. It 's not hard to meet expenses . . .they're everywhere.
17.The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18.These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after0 -
Pumkin bumkin...garym said:Happy Friday everybody!!
A few thoughts for the day
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do... and the eyesight to tell the
difference. Now that I'm older(but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you really haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. It 's not hard to meet expenses . . .they're everywhere.
17.The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18.These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after
The Washington Post published an article describing this as 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, for fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? S**t ... is it midnight already?0 -
Scottish Pragmatismgarym said:Pumkin bumkin...
The Washington Post published an article describing this as 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, for fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? S**t ... is it midnight already?
(As an Englishman I probably shouldn't post this but having lived most of my life in Scotland now I like to think of myself as an honorary Scotsman.)
A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"
The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."
The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."
The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.
Then the Priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Doctor said,
"Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."
The Businessman replied,
"I think I'll donate £50,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."
And the Scotsman said,
"Why kin they no play at night?"0 -
The perfect husband...Texas_wedge said:Scottish Pragmatism
(As an Englishman I probably shouldn't post this but having lived most of my life in Scotland now I like to think of myself as an honorary Scotsman.)
A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"
The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."
The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."
The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.
Then the Priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Doctor said,
"Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."
The Businessman replied,
"I think I'll donate £50,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."
And the Scotsman said,
"Why kin they no play at night?"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead buy it if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"0 -
Patience...garym said:The perfect husband...
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead buy it if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women
ahead of them is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over
and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another 10 feet and finally hacks it another 5 feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f-----g lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. ...............He would have been 62 next Tuesday...0
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