trying to cope with losing Mom

Wow, these posts really
Wow, these posts really brought tears to my eyes. I too lost my mom/best friend after a short but painful struggle with lung cancer. During this struggle my father passed away suddenly and I was left to be the only caregiver for her. Within 6 weeks and 6 days, I lost both of my parents...my best friends. Although I am married and have children of my own, I am heartbroken. It has been three weeks since mom passed and 10 weeks for dad. I cannot believe how fast this disease took her. My father also suffered from esophageal cancer for 4 1/2 years, but he was doing great! I think the stress of caring for mom got the best of him. It is so sad to see the people you love the most pass away. I was there with both them in the end, but this is not really solace for me as I just hurt so much. I hope the pain gets better...help!

RamonasSon said:

Finding a thought just one
I lost my mother on 01-01-11, like Swalsh she was diagnosed with gall bladder cancer after the gall bladder was removed. Diagnosed in July 2010, up and down, no cancer then cancer, lympnodes, metasticised, 2 hospitals, chemo, port. A month from thier 35th anniverssary. I watched her the same as you, I went home three times in that period from Chicago to Texas, spending weeks at a time. She was the beacon of all of her five boys lives and the nighmare lingured. The worst part was the end, I made it by her side to talk with her one last time. Death I have seen plenty of, nothing prepares you for losing someone so treasured and close. I can feel eveyones pain in the softest parts of my hardened heart. Today was the first time I dreamed of her, while having a nap, I dreamed of her beautiful face as if she was here. I was talking to her, knowing she died, and she was picking fun at me, everyone in my dream (dad, brothers, wife) were asking me what's wrong and I screamed I don't want her to die and she laughed saying she wasn't.....I get up eyes full of tears, walk to the computer and google my mom died, up comes your post, I am greatful for yours and the others but especially the one written from hollyberry, the mother who was dying of cancer who gave us all the gift of a Mothers perspective, sounded like something my mom would say, what a selfless blessing...

I just lost my Mom on May
I just lost my Mom on May 29. She had gall stones and was admitted to emergency on Feb. 4th with jaundice. They said they would remove the gall blatter in the next couple of days and we were not worried, it's so routine. I met her at the ER after work and we goofed off and joked around. My sister met with us and we waited and went with her to the room she'd be staying in. My Mom never left the hospital. She had stints put in the bile duct a few days later because the stones were large and blocking flow. That procedure caused severe pancreatitis. My poor Mom suffered so many complications the 4 months she was hospitalized. They were sure there was no cancer, they ran so many tests. But, as I am sure you are well aware, gall blatter cancer is rare and difficult to detect. I knew nothing about it until very recently. She had IVs for nutrition in those 4 months, she was so strong though. I held on to hope she would get stable enough for surgery and be ok. But the surgeon did not want to do surgery for fear of her being too weak passing. Her liver, pancreas and ducts were too swollen to attaempt anything. Her condition was so up and down. She would be doing so awful and then she would bounce back and we would think "Finally. She's going to keep improving now and we can get this over with and take her home." Then she would fall back again to even worse then the last time. Eventually, after 4 months of this, there was no other option and she was transferred to a better staffed hospital. Her surgeon knew a good surgeon there and seemed confident she would be ok. She got there on Thurs, they tried one last procedure Friday, she went into critical condition Saturday morning and they scheduled an emergency surgery. Her blood pressure was so low they had her on meds to bring it up enough for the surgery. The surgeon sat us down 1st and explained that she may not make it through. Even if she survives the surgery, she may die in the weeks following. She has septic shock and was so sick they didn't seem too hopeful. I told my sister "If Mom dies today there is no God!" I cried and cried like never before. Finally, the surgeons called on us to meet them and let us know that they found stage 4 cancer in her gall blatter and it had spread to her abdomen and they estimated she would have 2-4 weeks left to live if she made it through the surgery and recovery process. They left the choice to us: do all they can to keep her alive or take her off of the BP meds and let her go peacefully then and there. We couldn't let her wake in all that pain just to say, "You have cancer, Mom. You only have a couple weeks." So we let her go. I have been fighting with God for a few weeks now. I am coming to terms slowly. It's only been a little over a month. My heart is still in bad shape. I know I am not myself. Losing Mom does something to you. My sister reminded me that we had 4 months where we visit with her everyday telling her we love her and spending time with her and that we should be grateful to God for that time. And she's right. It's just so unfair. I, too, just dreamt of my Mom for the 1st time last nigt and she was so happy. When I read your post I was shocked because it sounded so similar to mine. I was laughing and so happy with her. She was joking with me and I felt like a little kid (I'm 33) I was so happy to be with her. Suddenly, I realized she was passed and I started crying so hard and she was right there, comforting me. I am truly sorry for your loss. This pain is so impossible to describe. I try to act ok at work, afraid to express my sadness openly because I don't want to come off as a drama queen. I, like just about every single person on here, don't want to bring it up to my siblings because I am afraid of making them upset and ultimaitely causing them to avoid me because I need them so much right now. She was so strong. She tried so hard to get better, do her execises in her hospital bed when she had the energy. I just can't get the memories switched over to happier times yet for some reason. I am trying to be strong because I know my Mom would tell me to be strong. It's hard. It's always been just my Mom and us. She was our rock. Sorry for the novel, but reading your post opened the flood gates. I know they are still with us. Some days I have so many signs and the next my mind goes back to hopelessness. All part of the process I guess. I am glad we got our dreams, I have asked for one from the beginning, just so I could see her again and know she is ok. God bless you and help you through this process. And thank you for sharing your post, it helped me today. All of the posts that I have read here have been a comfort somehow. My heart goes out to each and everyone. Take care.

Noellesmom said:

time is a healing balm
Although it will not seem so to you right now, Sandee. Right now, time only seems to echo your grief and you feel its resonance.

Yours was a unique struggle in a few aspects but it shares the commonality of loss many people are feeling.

You must be sure to take care of yourself and get help which you very well may need. See your family physician and tell her everything you have been through; find a grief support group, a best friend to help you through this, a church which will support you - or all of these things, if possible.

Time will help but there will always be pain associated with loss. Your parents were suffering: they are not now and it is not necessary nor desirable that you suffer in their place.

Get any and all help you need. You deserve it and you should have it.

Come back and let us know how you are doing.

Your parents were
Your parents were suffering: they are not now and it is not necessary nor desirable that you suffer in their place

So well said and so true. It is hard enough to lose 1 parent. I could never imagine losing both in so short a time span. I really do hope you find someone or some place to help you through such a difficult process as I am sure such a loss could easily overwhelm anybody. And remember they are together and their pain and suffering has ended. God bless you.

Losing an adult child
I lost my daughter who was only 50yrs old and who had already suffered a heart attack at 48 and survived that, then also had to pass a large kidney stone that needed to be blasted and then while healing from that she was diagnose with breast cancer. The doctor suggested she only needed a lumpectomy and he didn't even remove all of the lump during that. With a month her breast cancer has escalated and was then discovered to be a highly aggressive form of breast cancer and even after having a radical mastectomy it had already matastesized into bone cancer that had already spread to her liver and lungs. This bagan in fall of 2009 by July 1st of 2011 she died a very horrible death. She passed as I held her hand. She had suffered a fall while in the hospital to have blood transfusion that caused a hematoma and that is what the ME said she died from. We in the family who consisted of both of her brothers and son were here, have such horrid memories of her pain and agony before she died. I live in the house she passed in and everyday I am reminded of all that horror. Does anyone have words of wisdom to help a mother get past a daughters painful dying?

jangram1 said:

Losing an adult child
I lost my daughter who was only 50yrs old and who had already suffered a heart attack at 48 and survived that, then also had to pass a large kidney stone that needed to be blasted and then while healing from that she was diagnose with breast cancer. The doctor suggested she only needed a lumpectomy and he didn't even remove all of the lump during that. With a month her breast cancer has escalated and was then discovered to be a highly aggressive form of breast cancer and even after having a radical mastectomy it had already matastesized into bone cancer that had already spread to her liver and lungs. This bagan in fall of 2009 by July 1st of 2011 she died a very horrible death. She passed as I held her hand. She had suffered a fall while in the hospital to have blood transfusion that caused a hematoma and that is what the ME said she died from. We in the family who consisted of both of her brothers and son were here, have such horrid memories of her pain and agony before she died. I live in the house she passed in and everyday I am reminded of all that horror. Does anyone have words of wisdom to help a mother get past a daughters painful dying?

As a Mom of a young daughter
As a Mom of a young daughter I can't imagine what you went through. But I do know that if I could choose who is there with me in my final hours, it would be my Mom. And you were there for your daughter which was a great comfort. No matter how old we are, we always need our Moms, especially in the hardest of times and you were there. She had you so take comfort that you were a tremendous comfort to your her. I am so sorry for your loss. God bless you.

kevinfdn said:

Trying to cope, too
I lost my mother last year on October 12, 2010. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008. Her last week and a half was spent in the ICU on a respirator keeping her alive after a surgery. During the last 6 months of her life she had done a fine job of convincing us she was okay. She was doing everything any normal person would do: grocery shop, take care of the finances, do chores around the house, etc. All the while I was preparing to enter Texas A&M University's engineering department that fall. I had to drop out after she passed away to return home and consolidate her estate. I tried to go back the next Spring (2011), but found myself too depressed in class and ended up skipping, staying in my apartment and getting so dosed up on drugs that I couldn't move. It was the next best thing to suicide - to be out of my mind and in another world, so much that I sometimes would forget who she was. Now I'm in another city attending college and was recently laid off. I'm an only child and my parents have been divorced since I was 1 year 1 week old, and to this day my father has never supported me with anything. He wouldn't even let me live with him when my mother passed away. I'm on my own, and sometimes it just sucks. I've been prodigious about managing my finances without Mom, but can't say it's gotten easier having been laid off recently. The light at the end of the tunnel is that we only get one chance at life, and there is no right or wrong way to do it. Just do what makes you happy. If people want to judge you, let them. As far as I'm concerned, everyone at my mother's funeral (and there were lots of them) who probably asked the person next to them "What is he going to do now that his mother's gone? He's all on his own and isn't even out of college." are getting their answer. I'm not on the streets, I still make good grades in college and have a place to live with a 2009 car paid off. Does this mean I'm happy? Not in the least bit. It's not good enough for me. I still strive to do what would honor my mother's wishes, and every day I find it impossible from the moment I step out of bed.

one day at a time, Kevin
Kevin, your mom would be so proud to know that you are doing better now.

Happiness is relative. There is comfort for you in knowing you are doing well in school, are keeping your head above water financially (and I say a prayer your find another job soon - check to see if your school has a program that can help you there - the company I work for here in Alabama mentors the local engineering college with co-op jobs and more) and just keep on keeping on, Kevin.

I'm at least twice what I suspect your age to be and I lost my mom last May and it is still hard, even for me with grown children. I think if I were you what I would be missing is having others around to talk about my mom with with and even laugh at some of the things she said and did. I hope you can keep in touch with some of the people with whom you and your mom shared a relationship - maybe an aunt or uncle or cousin?

Hugs, Kevin. Bunches of hugs. You are doing just fine for where you are in this journey of grief and recovery.

manda_branka said:

my mum died on the
my mum died on the 25.10.2011. technically she beat lymphoma. she got it in 2008 did 2chimos and 3 months later she got it back aggressivly they decided to do a bone narrow transplant and intensive radiation. transplant started 1st jube this yeah and she stayed in the hospital until she went. she had everything under the sun, GVHD, infections, mucasitis, liver damage etc and she more than once was close to death but she jumped out of it numerous times with the doctors surprised. my stepdad and I were her nurses. there everyday looking after her most of the time she couldnt get out of bed but she was amazing my mum such a strong lady and she was determined to live through it. the first bone narrow didnt take because she got too sick and she was at the state were she needed 2bags of platelets and 2bags of blood a day so they tried another round on the stem cells. she fought so hard and the second round fixed that and she was making her own blood, i was so positive that she would make it home because she deserved it she went through so much, before te cancer we just left my physically abusive dad and she met my stepdad and she was finally getting happy and she got struck with cancer.
a week before she died she was walking on the walker, eating normal food and the GVHD and everything was under control and the doctors finally said she would be able to go home in a couple days, obviously with us both at home taking care of her. but the day after the doctor said that she got toxic shock and she just crashed. she was in ICU for 5 days until me n my stepdad made the decision to take her off treatment and put her on jst morphine to make it comfortable. her cries of pain and her begging us to kill her still wake me up with cold sweats in the middle of the night. to watch someone so strong fall is just tragic. im 21 i have an older brother and sister but they were hardly there so they dont understand. i stayed overnight in iCU after we took her off treatment and it took her 3 days to go. to sleep on a chair those 3 nights and watch her blood pressure slowly go down and watch her lye ther like a vegetable gargle each breathe.
i am in histeric tears everynight i dont sleep i can hardly eat and not a secod goes by that i dont miss her like crazy i feel like my world is going to end i feel broken. i cant imagine getting married and having children without her being there. i cant imagine how it gets any better how i can move on. i can only picture her sick and helpless she was likethat for over 2years its difficult to picture her old healthy self
its so unfair. she went through 30years of beating she fought a rare aggressive lymphoma and she just dies of an infection (C dephicil) which we all can get rid of that easily but she just didnt have the strength anymore and the cancer already ate away at her.
everyone tries to helpyou the first few weeks but theydont understand that those weeks u r half numb and its the month or so after that hit you and thats when most people just leave u thinking the worst parts r over and they should b ok by now. i have no one who understands my pain.
i am at the stage where all i have is anger inside me i am just so angry that someone so amazig and strong never had a brake in her life she deserved a happy ending.

I feel your pain
My mom just died this week and my life has changed forever. She had endometrial cancer and I found out less than 5 months ago. As I saw here health slowly deteriorate each month I kept praying she would make it into the new year at least. I spent many days in and out of the hospital, nights in the icu and then the hospice watching her suffering and having to be heavily medicated to remain comfortable. I miss her like crazy and Im only 22. Like you I cant imagine ever getting married now or having kids. I have a younger sister who is 21 and although she is hurting I know she wants to move forward and graduate to make our mother proud. But for me every second I eat or feel a second of being happy I think about how she is not here to spend it with me and it kills me because I rather be with her. My family I feel will never understand nor will my friends even though some of them have lost their mother to cancer and have managed to enjoy life years later I don't think I ever will and I don't know what to do. My Mother was 49 and my biggest supporter. Any thing I did she was proud of and even when we fought she could never stay mad at me for more than a minute. She was always there for me and worked hard to give my sister and I a good life. She was diagnosed last jan and kept it a secret for 8 months because she wanted to protect my sister and I. She is truly an angel and deserved so much more.

lifeisntfair said:

I feel your pain
My mom just died this week and my life has changed forever. She had endometrial cancer and I found out less than 5 months ago. As I saw here health slowly deteriorate each month I kept praying she would make it into the new year at least. I spent many days in and out of the hospital, nights in the icu and then the hospice watching her suffering and having to be heavily medicated to remain comfortable. I miss her like crazy and Im only 22. Like you I cant imagine ever getting married now or having kids. I have a younger sister who is 21 and although she is hurting I know she wants to move forward and graduate to make our mother proud. But for me every second I eat or feel a second of being happy I think about how she is not here to spend it with me and it kills me because I rather be with her. My family I feel will never understand nor will my friends even though some of them have lost their mother to cancer and have managed to enjoy life years later I don't think I ever will and I don't know what to do. My Mother was 49 and my biggest supporter. Any thing I did she was proud of and even when we fought she could never stay mad at me for more than a minute. She was always there for me and worked hard to give my sister and I a good life. She was diagnosed last jan and kept it a secret for 8 months because she wanted to protect my sister and I. She is truly an angel and deserved so much more.

Not Fair
You are right. Life isn't fair, but then nobody ever said it was. I am sorry that you lost your mom. This has got to be a hard time for everyone in your family. Your mother will continue to be with you as long as you remember her and her love. Right now, though, you need to grieve. It is a process and each of us must find our own way. You may need some help, and you shouldn't try to do this alone. If talking with your family is not helping, find a grief group or counselor. Talk with your dr, you may need to take meds for awhile. There is no shame in finding help. Remember, too, that others in your family are grieving. They may grieve differently, but they are grieving. Just as you say they will never understand you, they may feel that you are not understanding them. Also, it is very early in your grief. Time will help even though it may not heal your hurt. Right now it is very raw. Take care of yoursel. It is what your mother would want.

manda_branka said:

my mum died on the
my mum died on the 25.10.2011. technically she beat lymphoma. she got it in 2008 did 2chimos and 3 months later she got it back aggressivly they decided to do a bone narrow transplant and intensive radiation. transplant started 1st jube this yeah and she stayed in the hospital until she went. she had everything under the sun, GVHD, infections, mucasitis, liver damage etc and she more than once was close to death but she jumped out of it numerous times with the doctors surprised. my stepdad and I were her nurses. there everyday looking after her most of the time she couldnt get out of bed but she was amazing my mum such a strong lady and she was determined to live through it. the first bone narrow didnt take because she got too sick and she was at the state were she needed 2bags of platelets and 2bags of blood a day so they tried another round on the stem cells. she fought so hard and the second round fixed that and she was making her own blood, i was so positive that she would make it home because she deserved it she went through so much, before te cancer we just left my physically abusive dad and she met my stepdad and she was finally getting happy and she got struck with cancer.
a week before she died she was walking on the walker, eating normal food and the GVHD and everything was under control and the doctors finally said she would be able to go home in a couple days, obviously with us both at home taking care of her. but the day after the doctor said that she got toxic shock and she just crashed. she was in ICU for 5 days until me n my stepdad made the decision to take her off treatment and put her on jst morphine to make it comfortable. her cries of pain and her begging us to kill her still wake me up with cold sweats in the middle of the night. to watch someone so strong fall is just tragic. im 21 i have an older brother and sister but they were hardly there so they dont understand. i stayed overnight in iCU after we took her off treatment and it took her 3 days to go. to sleep on a chair those 3 nights and watch her blood pressure slowly go down and watch her lye ther like a vegetable gargle each breathe.
i am in histeric tears everynight i dont sleep i can hardly eat and not a secod goes by that i dont miss her like crazy i feel like my world is going to end i feel broken. i cant imagine getting married and having children without her being there. i cant imagine how it gets any better how i can move on. i can only picture her sick and helpless she was likethat for over 2years its difficult to picture her old healthy self
its so unfair. she went through 30years of beating she fought a rare aggressive lymphoma and she just dies of an infection (C dephicil) which we all can get rid of that easily but she just didnt have the strength anymore and the cancer already ate away at her.
everyone tries to helpyou the first few weeks but theydont understand that those weeks u r half numb and its the month or so after that hit you and thats when most people just leave u thinking the worst parts r over and they should b ok by now. i have no one who understands my pain.
i am at the stage where all i have is anger inside me i am just so angry that someone so amazig and strong never had a brake in her life she deserved a happy ending.

trauma
i was scared to research peoples personal experience of losing their mother, but i'm glad now i've read all of your touching experiences, i have found comfort in knowing i am not alone. manda_branka, your story touched me the most because it reminded me of what i had to go through after losing my best friend of only just 20 years, 26-12-11, boxing day. my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer 11 years ago. it had come back 3 times, and that third time she'd lost the battle of the ugly disease i had to watch eat my beautiful mother away. after my mum was hospitalised and i slepped the night at the hospital with my family because my mums body had crashed overnight, that is when i went through the most traumatic experience i will ever experience in my life. for years i've been worried about my mum, i always had death in the back of my mind... i was scared for a long time. when i was 17 years old, i remember seeing my mum cry because she wished she could watch me turn 18... she lived until i was 20. i have never felt so numb in my life. after she was hospitalised i took care of her 24/7. i saw too many things which i only WISH i could erase. it was too ugly. i was with my mum a lot when she was getting treatment at the hospital. i ran out of the building once so i could just cry because i couldn't hold it in any longer, i knew this time the cancer wasn't right... i was scared she wasn't getting better. i quit my job so i could be with my mum. she was very dozed up one drugs to make her comfortable at home, she became a different person. i witnessed a lot that my dad and brother didn't see because i was taking care of her. i had to wash her in the shower, and always go with her when she wanted to go to the toilet. i saw my mum light up (she wanted to smoke) in the bathroom at 3am in the morning (i watched her move 24/7) but she had lit up but put the lighter in her mouth, she clearly didn't know what she was doing because of the meds. i slepped on the couch with her, and i remember randomly waking up, and seeing my mum, on her knee's with her eyes closed. watching her fall asleep every night, was awful, i could see her suffering and pain, it was difficult watching her struggling for each breath. watching my mum become anorexic, her body looked so distorted... and her stomach was so swollen because everything inside was shutting down and wasn't working. and on her very last day i saw her psychically dying infront of me, got the point where she couldn't hold her head up. i knew that was her last day, and urged dad to take her to the hospital immediately and i looked back at her and she just nodded her head in agreement, and then she said 'it's time'. my dad stayed at the hospital with mum the night she passed... my dad fell asleep but something had woken him him, he looked over to mum and her eyes were opened during her final last breathes, she couldn't do anything/move, her eyes remained open until her last gasp of air. when my dad called me to come to the hospital he hadn't told me that mum died. as i arrived on the level where my mums room was all the nurses were looking at me, knowing what happened yet i didn't, and when i opened the door seeing her dead body, i yelled out repetitively 'no'... no tears were coming out, i was staring at her beautiful face, all i felt was numbness. so i took my mums smokes and left the building for fresh air and have taken up on smoking, as silly as it sounds but it makes me feel better. then recently i found a notebook of mums... one page made me ball my eyes out, it said '3 months to live' and a small list of what she wanted to do. she never would tell me the truth of what was really happened, she never wanted to worry the family. she went through such struggle which makes me hurt even more, she didn't deserve it, just like the rest of our mothers. i use to believe that 'everything happens for a reason' but now i don't. the good ones always seem to go... my mum is the only person that understood me, no one can replace what we had, it was so special, she has taught me so much. i'm left with such anger inside of me. i want to heal and feel at peace but i can't because of what i saw. it's just too hard. i feel so alone and sad inside, which i can hide very well. but i feel so weak and hopeless. i just want to see her again. also i'm very sorry to have written so much! but it's lovely knowing i am not alone.

sherryzwell said:

My Condolences
It seems we all are in the same boat. My mother was everything, donning the role of a father, mother and a teacher. She was staying independently to bring up me and my little brother. But fate had other plans when she was diagoised with Cancer in the uterus on June 2011. The stage of Cancer was B. She was a ataff in afraq Hospital, Abu Dhabi. She being a staff had health insurance and medical cover, thanks to GOD. She had to go through the uterus removal operation and her chemotherapy and radiation was taken in Al ain. Her treatment got over on August 2011. She was getting well. But never i had seen her in such a position. It just couldn't be absorbed within me. Suddenly my world was changing. She was recovering quite well. She was getting back to herself andstarted going for work. Everything was fine untol that fateful day, i.e. 29th Feb 2012. My little brother is 10 years old. He called me up telling that mom is not speaking. Me out of anxiety and fear rushed to my house. I could see my mother sweating and her mind was totally misplaced and askin me that she need to sleep. Without a moments hesitation i took her to the hospital. The doctors, nurses, my mother's colleagues and friends stayed with her. My brother was not knowing what was happening. The doctor came to me and told me tht she faced a cardiac arrest due to an urinary infection, which wasspreading through her body. She wasn't feeling the pain due to diabetes. The antibiotics were not working within her body. She was fighting through and the doctors had a hope. But unfortantely, early morning on a friday i.e. 2nd March 2012 at 5.00am she passed away. I couldn't believe it. My brother broke into tears. I had to accept it.

Now she is just memory. My life crashed. I am just 25 years and I need to live for my brother and father. My father is not well and he needs me. He stays in india while me and my brother are in abu dhabi. He is all that we got. Mom was staying seperated from him for 10 years, but she never did it legally thinking about us. Now i am working for my bro and dad. I am getting words of assurance from my relatives, yet i am seeking for a way to survive. I hope my quest would be fruitful for all around me.

It feels a little better when i could express my mind through these words. Hope it may give you an assurance that we are not alone. God had written all this in our lives. All we can believe is that our mom and dad are in a better place with GOD. Think positive and do good to all around you and create happiness.

Life became meaningless
My mum left me 4 months ago. Till now I still cant believe she's not around anymore. I wanted so much to join her but my religion tells me I might go to hell and if that's the case I still wont get to see her.

Her CA was discovered 7 years ago, and she remained CA free till Feb 2011. But her quality of life was good till Feb 2012 when the cells spread to her brain. No words can ever justify the pain I felt when I saw her lying on the hospital bed, in such great discomfort, and there's nothing I can do except to sleep in the hospital to keep her company 24/7. It wasn't so much as to just keep her company, but because I didn't dare to live a life without her, I couldn't bear the thought of not being with her. I wanted so much for it to be me who had to go through the pain she had to endure. It was really inhumane to have to watch someone you love more than your own life suffer, watch her leave you and there's nothing you can do to stop that.

I wanted so much for me to be taken instead of her. It's impossible to still believe god loves us when he allows us to go through such pain.

Everytime the emotions gush out, I wanted so much to call my mum's phone like how I used to last year whenever I miss her. Friends who went through the same thing said time will heal. But the pain and missing of mum will never go away. Just less painful. Maybe cuz as time passes, one gets immune more and more towards such feelings.

It doesnt really help that I know there are many people out there who is experiencing the same thing.