What can you tell me??

karen1951 said:

hi billie.....i am so sorry
hi billie.....i am so sorry you are faced with this....i am stage IV as well...diagnosed in aug 10.....my cancer has spread all thru out the peritoneal cavity....i have a colostomy as wall. and my ca125 has been as high as 1384...my onc. told me that if the gemzar i'm on doesn't work that we are running out of options.
as far as the end...i've had the priviledge of being at the bedside of my beautiful mother, my father in law and my mother in law when they passed....all three were peaceful ...especially my mom...i always said if death could be called beautiful...her's was.
but i think you and i are thinking along other lines....we want to live our life as fully to the end but are afraid to. i have booked my entire family on a four night vacation to st. maarten at the end of april. i should be so excited , but all i can think of is the "what if's??? i have pains in my upper abdomen, the fatigue is maddening, and i'm constantly out of breath from the pleural effusion. like you, my house is my comfort zone ... i feel better here than anywhere. on the other hand....consider the memories you may be passing up....i say book the cruise and take out the cancellation insurance....maybe you could consider a trip a little closer to home....the thought of a transatlantic flight sends me into a tailspin just thinking about it. my mission at this point is to create a fabulous memory for my family....i want them to look back and remember a great trip we ALL were able to take together...something that hasn't happened in over 10 years....and hope that will put a smile on their faces . only God knows when he will take us....it's up to us to choose how to spend our remaining days. my prayers are with you....i hope you GO !!!! xoxo...karen

Hey Karen,
I am so happy you
Hey Karen,
I am so happy you replied. I have read some of your posts and I thought the same thing... you and are in in a very similar boat. And we do have similar attitudes about living our lives fully. I am not going to sit on my duff and whimper. I don't see many woman on this site that do! Isn't that inspiring.
I know the feeling when they tell you there aren't a lot of options. Hey, that is okay. I was already feeling done in with chemo anyway. I want to feel good and I feel so much better without it. And if it doesn't work, I just don't see the point.
Thanks for sharing the experience with your Mother, Mother in law and Father in law. Death is not something I am afraid of. My Hubbie on the other hand, watched his Mom suffer greatly at the end of her battle, 20 years ago and he is so afraid of seeing me go through what she did, but it was a completely different scenario. I have read to him what most of you have said in response to this post and he does feel better. I am a happy person and try to maintain it as much as possible. This is my next great adventure and while I will miss...(am missing)everyone, I get an idea of whats ahead of me and I think it is joyful.
I think going on a big family trip to St. Martin is perfect! I have been there once on a cruise and it was the most serene place I have been. Perfect lagoons and very low key, laid back people there. You will love it. I would much rather do that than go on the Italian cruise be ourselves. It just seemed, well, too much money and too bitter sweet. We are having parties instead! LOL! I am having a party next Saturday because my oldest son, his wife and my two oldest grandchildren are coming for spring break. CAN'T WAIT! We live in Florida about 1 mile from the beach so we are doing the beach and having a BBQ. I am trying to secure a giant water slide for the kids to play on and renting a cotton candy machine and sno-cone machine! Yea... so its expensive too but who cares. I'd rather have 5 parties and blow them out than spend a week cruising Italy.
SO, don't you worry, I am making some memories!
You are going to do great. Don't worry. Just hold on to the idea of how wonderful that trip is going to be and it will. I remember pulling into the port at St. Martin just as the sun was coming up... birds flying along the ship and singing... early morning cool breeze in your face... a new adventure.
XOXO you too!
Billie