drinking

sue5749 said:

today
Today I stayed in even though it was warm and sunny out! It didn't match my mood at all. I really hate it here! I know it's not good to lock yourself in. But I don't feel like going anywhere. I know my husband is not suffering anymore, there is a lot of things I know, but I am hurting. So I have to take one day at a time. There's nothing else that I can do. I walk in the living room and see how empty it is in there, he's not sitting in his chair that he went to sleep in. It's just so dark. and so very quite. I e-mail my sister and vent to her. But there is nothing she can do but listen. I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. Everyone was here for my for 5 days, they all left had to get back to their lives. Sue

Missing soulmate
Bless you Sue. I was a caretaker for my wife and soulmate for 4 years. She had kidney cancer. The battle ended 3 weeks ago. Its been hard, but I can say two things. Having your friends and family around helps considerably. When I am alone I go dark. But with others around, I find it's distracting. Distractions help. I find that as time goes on, I need less distractions. I think of her for short periods, then I need distractions to steady myself. As time goes on I find that I need less distractions to keep steady. The second thing is that alcohol is only a temporary relief, it just pushes the pain down the road. You still have to deal with it sometime. People/distractions help me deal with the pain in small pieces, in my own time. Get out of the house and visit people if they don't come to visit you. Some people think that leaving you alone helps you. They are wrong.

sue5749 said:

today
Today I stayed in even though it was warm and sunny out! It didn't match my mood at all. I really hate it here! I know it's not good to lock yourself in. But I don't feel like going anywhere. I know my husband is not suffering anymore, there is a lot of things I know, but I am hurting. So I have to take one day at a time. There's nothing else that I can do. I walk in the living room and see how empty it is in there, he's not sitting in his chair that he went to sleep in. It's just so dark. and so very quite. I e-mail my sister and vent to her. But there is nothing she can do but listen. I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. Everyone was here for my for 5 days, they all left had to get back to their lives. Sue

The hardest part
Hi Sue,

I agree with you, the hardest part is the empty house. I absolutely hate it. But to help me through my process of grieving I asked my daughter and her boyfriend to move home. I feel a bit better because they are here. I don't feel so very alone, just "alone". They both have jobs and work late at night. There are days where I don't see them at all but I know their presence is here, just sleeping.

I also started doing "routines". I immediately make the bed as soon as my feet hit the floor. I write in the journal that was given to me by my best friend. I carry his picture around everywhere I go. I have his wedding ring, a black diamond cross and a "broken heart" pendant on a nice chain around my neck. I talk to him constantly, talk about him to anyone willing to listen. There are still days where I don't want to do anything but cry all day. Then there are days when I need to get things done so I cry my crocodile tears in the morning and do my errands in the afternoon. And even while I do my errands I am tearful with emotions. I don't care who sees me. He is the love of my life and he is gone. There are days when I am so numb I can't function. I will never be the same ole Kelly and everyone knows it. They try to be as much comfort and compassionate as they can for not having to experience a loss of a spouse. But as it was said before, everyone grieves different. Not one person will got through it the exact same way. I know of a lady who lost her husband in September (she is in my support group). At the times I saw her she was "a rock" til the last time I saw her, she was a mold of jello. The roller coaster ride that you take will be one of many twists and turns and a few loopty loops. And it is not a fun ride. Only thing "I" can do is hang on tight.

Glad to hear that you are getting some sort of counseling. It has helped me but again, I will never be the "same ole' Kelly".

Take care and God Bless. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

~Kelly
wife of Mark Scoville RIP 11/14/11 NSCLC w/mets