Things you probably shouldn't say to a cancer patient

stayingcalm
stayingcalm Member Posts: 650 Member
edited March 2014 in Humor #1
Great article from Christopher Hitchens from Vanity Fair

Comments

  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #2
    Good article
    Hi,
    This was a good article. Can't believe how many stupid things people do say. I know it's hard to find the right words sometime, so maybe that's why it happens. Take care! "Carole"
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    #3
    Hitchens
    I heard him interviewed on NPR the other week and he was talking about this. Good article
  • Orleans
    Orleans Member Posts: 6
    #4
    Well, I did this to my
    Well, I did this to my cousin. She had advanced cancer. While my cousin was visiting, I talked about a friend of mine whose mother just died from cancer...blah blah blah. My last sentence trailed off like I had run out of air when I realized what an idiot I was being. Luckily for me, my cousin was an amazing, bright woman who realized that I did not mean harm. I had a chance to apologize. She passed away a year later.

    Now I have skin cancer. And I get from well meaning friends and family..."skin cancer?, thats nothing.", or my personal favorite, "just get out in the sun it doesn't matter!", amoung other comments.

    And I think...just like me...a few years ago.
  • soccerfreaks
    soccerfreaks Member Posts: 2,788 Member
    #5
    Lady Willpower
    Should have figured you and Phil for Hitchens fans :)

    Take care, my friend,

    Joe

    PS: My favorite one is where I was trying to eat Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner (I think Christmas) just a month or two post head/neck cancer surgery, and a lady we had over (a widowed lady we invited every year) sat beside me at dinner table and commented on how she wished she had my willpower as I struggled to eat tiny bits of anything. HAHAHAHA.

    Always makes me laugh.
  • nasher
    nasher Member Posts: 505 Member
    #6
    great article thanks for
    great article thanks for linking it

    I am recovering from Thyroid cancer and the worst thing i hear is "well if your going to get cancer then Thyroid cancer is a good one" or something to the like from Doctors.

    I have gotten to the point that i asked if they wanted a transplant of my thyroid tissue.

    Mind you I love going to cancer support groups where everyone is eithor a survivor, or battleing cancer or a loved one. Sure we talk about friends faimly and such who have died of cancer or our own personal battles but it helps in that situation since if you dont feel like talking about cancer then you just dont show up to that group meeting
  • Gypsy1021
    Gypsy1021 Member Posts: 5
    #7
    My daughter-in-law who is
    My daughter-in-law who is blind is very blunt and when I was diagnosed with cervical cancer told me "Well, if you have to have cancer, that's probably the best kind to have because it's so easy to treat!"
    My next cancer episode was breast cancer... I am very short - 4'10" - and before the mastectomy - rather well-endowed and could not reach the bottom of my washing machine to transfer the clothes to the dryer. This same daughter-in-law said "Well, as soon as you heal up and aren't sore, you should be able to reach the clothes now!" Bless her little heart... You just gotta' love 'em don't you??
  • thomasman
    thomasman Member Posts: 20
    #8
    " i know how you feel."
    " i know how you feel." welp, hate to say it, but even if you have fought cancer, you still dont know how i feel. " you have such courage!" well, good it is showing now because sometimes the fear is overwhelming. " keep up the faith!" as opposed to what? glad to see others have the same experiences as i do. sometimes i just gotta laugh at the good intentions of others.
  • Aderyn
    Aderyn Member Posts: 18
    #9
    "Don't say that, you must think positive."
    NOT that I'm opposed to thinking positive, but I hate the censorship. Hey, sometimes I am afraid/mad/resentful/depressed/just plain whiny, and I need to be allowed to be that in order to get past it. I have a friend who does sort of a virtual fingers-in-the-ears, "la la la la la" whenever I express any thought that isn't happy.
  • soccerfreaks
    soccerfreaks Member Posts: 2,788 Member
    #10
    Aderyn said:

    "Don't say that, you must think positive."
    NOT that I'm opposed to thinking positive, but I hate the censorship. Hey, sometimes I am afraid/mad/resentful/depressed/just plain whiny, and I need to be allowed to be that in order to get past it. I have a friend who does sort of a virtual fingers-in-the-ears, "la la la la la" whenever I express any thought that isn't happy.

    virtual fingers
    Hmmm...my wife has been doing that for more than 30 years and it has nothing to do with cancer :)

    Take care,

    Joe
  • AussieMaddie
    AussieMaddie Member Posts: 345 Member
    #11
    soccerfreaks said:

    Lady Willpower
    Should have figured you and Phil for Hitchens fans :)

    Take care, my friend,

    Joe

    PS: My favorite one is where I was trying to eat Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner (I think Christmas) just a month or two post head/neck cancer surgery, and a lady we had over (a widowed lady we invited every year) sat beside me at dinner table and commented on how she wished she had my willpower as I struggled to eat tiny bits of anything. HAHAHAHA.

    Always makes me laugh.

    :D

    :D
  • AussieMaddie
    AussieMaddie Member Posts: 345 Member
    #12
    Great article
    Reading the article, I see it written:
    "get straight to the point and say what the odds are. The swiftest way of doing this is to note that the thing about Stage Four is that there is no such thing as Stage Five."

    I must make a note to ask what stage I am at with my peritoneal cancer. I was told to prepare for the worse from day one, but some sentences seem say the same thing more precisely. Maybe we just hear them differently.

    .....

    "there was the unreasonable urge to have a kind of monopoly on, or a sort of veto over, what was actually sayable"

    I've not yet been in this position (I think). Will probably come, but I can place what he means.
  • lbinmsp
    lbinmsp Member Posts: 266
    #13
    Aderyn said:

    "Don't say that, you must think positive."
    NOT that I'm opposed to thinking positive, but I hate the censorship. Hey, sometimes I am afraid/mad/resentful/depressed/just plain whiny, and I need to be allowed to be that in order to get past it. I have a friend who does sort of a virtual fingers-in-the-ears, "la la la la la" whenever I express any thought that isn't happy.

    I am so with you on this one!
    I get sick to death (pun intended) - when people say I need to be positive! I always say -I am positive - positive that I have cancer. WOOOHOOO!
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #14
    lbinmsp said:

    I am so with you on this one!
    I get sick to death (pun intended) - when people say I need to be positive! I always say -I am positive - positive that I have cancer. WOOOHOOO!

    Positive Thinking

    I am positive that I feel bad and I am not going to work today….
  • analfighter
    analfighter Member Posts: 12
    #15
    and how are you today?
    I found this was just an accepted greeting in passing at school, and the acceptable answer was to be positive, no matter who was answering or how you felt. I don't think anyone truly listens to your answer. I read on the ACS site that a much better question, if someone really wants to communicate with a cancer patient and take the time to listen, is "What are you feeling today?"

    The communication I seemed to have to deal with was, "Gee, you look great." Now, I actually looked horrible. Steroids had made me put on 60 pounds. The chemo was doing a number on my skin and it looked abolutely horrible. I could no longer use the chemicals to dye my hair. (privately, I loved my white halo around my face) My eyelids had started to droop so much, I could no longer see well enough to read. My feet hurt so badly, I had started waddling. So I truly was a sight that contributed to sore eyes.

    I decided that what they really meant was, Gee, you still have your hair, OR Gee, you're still alive. Never expected to see you again. I did't take too much offense, because I never expected to see them again either, but 4 years later with my 2nd recurrence behind me, here I am making excuses for my well-meaning friends and acquaintances.
  • Firstlymostly
    Firstlymostly Member Posts: 1
    #16
    The worst thing I've

    The worst thing I've encountered was random strangers and "friends" who suddenly started showing up and messaging to ask "what are you going to do with your farm?" I've been asked to list it by realtors, asked when it was to be auctioned off, and received multiple offers. Mind you I have never even considered selling as it is in a trust for my children. Since the word got around that I have cancer people apparently expect me to sell out and die. I'm appalled by the nerve of people. 

  • SophDan2
    SophDan2 Member Posts: 150 Member
    #17
    You look great!

    I know that people mean well. My favorite is when people that heard that I have cancer finally see me, and the first thing they say is "you look great". My reply is either "you look pretty good yourself" or "you mean as opposed to how you thought  I would look?" Another one I say is "can you imagine how good I would look if I didn't have cancer".

     

    It looks like it has been a while since some one last posted on this forum, so I figured why not bring a small smile to us cancer people!

     

  • ConnieSW
    ConnieSW Member Posts: 1,688 Member
    #18
    Thanks, Dan

    It worked

  • Liver cancer
    Liver cancer Member Posts: 52 Member
    #19
    positive thinking

    I have to admit now that my battle is over and I have won, a lot of my positive thinking was purely ignorance of the disease that swooped down and interrupted my life. I had no idea of the facts, if I had I probably would not have lasted so long, and never would be cured. A lot of my positive thinking came from a doctor who is also a researcher and wanted a cure because my type of cancer took out healthy livers, I kept hearing him say hang in there, we are only a couple of tests away and I think this is it...just the intrigue kept me going. Excitement of a cure is contagious and keeps the spirit up knowing someone cares enough. 

    Now if I could just find and catch this darn little tsa tsa fly that keeps biting me at night. It takes a lot of effort to get to  work, and I have a variable job that isnt daily, just still gets the bills paid.  

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