brain mets.

two weeks ago, my mom was diagnosed with 2 brain mets that metastasized from her BC. One was located right on her brain stem. The neurosurgeon came in and told us that if we didn't do surgery, we would lose my mom, but that surgery was still risky. It could drastically impair her quality of life, speech, mobility, you name it. At that point, i just lost it and started to sob uncontrollably. I begged my mom to do whatever could be done to survive. I'm only 20, turning 21 in 1 month. I need my mom. She needs to see my get married, and have a family of my own. She needs to see me grow and learn still. If she was going to die anytime soon, it was going to be fighting this monster, and not succumbing to it. Call me selfish, but I could take her rolling around on a wheelchair. I could even take her not speaking well. Hell, I could take her bedridden. just as long as she was here with me and the rest of the family.

Fortunately, my mom's neurosurgery was a huge success. After an MRI was done, the neurosurgery said he was confident he was able to get it all. Again...tears. I walked into my mom's ICU room and immediately told her how proud of her I was. She rolled into the operating room not knowing if she was going to come out the same, and she still risked it. That's my mom for you. A fighter.

Mom's onc kept her in ICU for 3 days then transferred her to a nursing home so she could undergo therapy to gain back what she had lost, which, let me tell ya, wasn't much. She was a little weak on her left side. Couldn't walk or stand without assistance. But after a week and change in a nursing home, mom can finally put some weight on her left foot. Walking is still a challenge, but worst case scenario is she needs a wheelchair.

She's coming home from the nursing facility tomorrow and I couldn't be happier. I've missed coming home from school and work and seeing her sitting on the couch on her iPad. I've missed telling her my crazy stories of working as a hostess in a busy restaurant(and trust me, there are many!). I've missed laying in bed watching reruns of Frasier, Golden Girls, and I Love Lucy. I've missed watching padres games with her. I've missed HER.

Up next...10 rounds of radiation for 2 weeks to finally nuke the hell out of this cancer once and for all. One downside is that it will probably cause permanent hair loss. I was bummed to hear this, as she just had her hair grown after ending chemo for breast cancer. But I keep telling her it's a small price to pay in order for you to still be here with me today.

Overall, I've never been so scared in my life. This is the only time in my mom's year-long cancer journey that I ever considered her dying a legitimate option. I can't believe how close she was to death, and how well she's recovered since her surgery. Right after she came out of her craniotomy, she was cracking jokes with everyone as if nothing ever happened. Unbelievable.

All I can say is that my mom had angels with her in that operating room. I've never prayed so hard for anything in my entire life. I even pleaded with God: Please take all of her hurt and pain and put it on me instead, because she doesn't deserve this. Sometimes, I still wonder why this all had to happen to my sweet, loving, caring, vibrant mom. The best answer I can come up with is that God never gives us more than we can handle. He puts obstacles in front of us all to prove our strength, and from that, I gain a sense of peace.

For those who have read this post in its entirety, I appreciate it. I guess I just needed an outlet to let my feelings go. And for those who are going through similar situations, I hope you gain a sense of hope. Please don't lose faith. Every moment you're with your loved one affected with cancer, remind yourself how lucky you are to have them with you in that moment. Treasure it. Just remember: Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. Can't lose.

Hugs to all.

Psalm 46: God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.[c]

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.