I don't quite know how to deal with this

missrenee · September 2011

A friend from my cancer support group passed away last week. I went to her memorial service on Saturday. She was a sweet soul and I loved her. She joined the group at about the same time I did. When we joined, she was just finishing chemo and on to rads and I was just finished with rads, so I was a little farther along than she was. She was Stage 2C IDC (I was Stage 3C IDC). I am so full of grief because of her passing and also because of the fact that I was at a more advanced stage and she was 13 years younger than me. And now she's gone.

I have so many negative emotions right now--the tears have been flowing for days. Not only am I so, so sad that she was taken, but I have such a feeling of impending doom right now for myself. I also feel extreme guilt--why is she gone and why am I still here? I have tried to be positive throughout this, but this has hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm sad and I'm afraid.

I hate cancer so much.

Thanks for listening and letting me get these feelings out.

Hugs, Renee

dyaneb123 · September 2011

Hi Renee
Every time we lose a sister from this site, I feel this way. It's so scary to think you are being treated for the same dx, but one of you survives and the other is gone.
I've lost two male friends over the last year with agressive cancers. Each time, it just reinforces that sense of mortality. But if anything it makes me more vigilant and aware of my own body. It won't sneak up on me again.
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, I'm sure your love and support made a difference in her life.
Dee

Annette 11 · September 2011

It is so hard to get thru something like this. Of course you feel so sad and afraid. But Renee, everyone is different, you may have a stronger constitution, she is younger so BC is more aggressive, lifestyle, etc. So you can't compare yourself to your friend. Try to busy yourself with something that you like to do. Try not to put yourself thru this in that way and try to stay positive. I know it's hard to do.
We are here for you.
Hugs,
Annette

mamolady · September 2011

Renee,
We all hate cancer. (I don't use that word very often) It sucks that she didn't survive. I am not sure there is a way to be positive in this situation. The fact that she was 13 years younger means her cancer was probably more aggressive. There is no way to know for sure.

Never ever feel guilty that you are still here. I am sure she would say the same thing. Every one has their own journey. Hers just ended sooner or began sooner depending on how you look at it. She is home now.

Big hugs!
Cindy

Marsha Mulvey · September 2011

Annette 11 said:
It is so hard to get thru something like this. Of course you feel so sad and afraid. But Renee, everyone is different, you may have a stronger constitution, she is younger so BC is more aggressive, lifestyle, etc. So you can't compare yourself to your friend. Try to busy yourself with something that you like to do. Try not to put yourself thru this in that way and try to stay positive. I know it's hard to do.
We are here for you.
Hugs,
Annette

it's so hard
It's so hard to lose someone that we've met while in treatment. My best "chemo friend" died on June 3rd this year. We met and became immediate friends in April 2010. We were the same age and both Stage IV with liver mets. In addition to that, I also have mets to my bones, skin and many lymph nodes involved, so...why am I still here? I try not to ask myself that question. Perhaps there are things that I'm still meant to do while here.

There's not a lot you can say for sure about cancer, but one thing does come to mind, CANCER IS NOT FAIR! Please don't feel guilty. Take time to mourn your friend but then get on with your life. Best wishes, Marsha

sinee · September 2011

So sorry
for the loss of your friend, you have a right to whatever emotions you are having right now. Just let the tears flow, there is more room outside. I think we all feel that sense of doom now and again, and the death of someone so close in so many ways personifies for you right now...what I am saddest about is that you are afraid. I really hate that feeling when it creeps in, and sometimes it just hangs around for days...it too will go away, and your peace will come back. Know that. You don't have to be, what you are not right now. Your positivity will return, your peace will come back, just mourn the loss of your friend. Do not try and make sense of it, because none of this makes sense. It just is. We are all holding onto you Renee...take as many deep breaths as you can, whenever you can. Feel our hugs of support, we all know that she felt yours. Love to you, Sinee

Gabe N Abby Mom · September 2011

Here's a big (((((hug))))
Here's a big (((((hug)))) for you, and you hold on to it as long as you need...keep holding on till some of the grief has eased and you start feeling a little more stable. Then you just let me know when you need another one...

Linda

laughs_a_lot · September 2011

We are here to listen
That is part of why we are here. Try not to have survivors guilt if you can find a way around it. Now here is a story and I think you will see the correlation.

When I was in college I had a friend. He was super smart and I was smart as well. We both got into the same accademic fraternity in our Junior year of college. To get into this fraternity durring your junior year you had to be at the 95th percentile of in the nation or higher. Seniors only had to reach the 90th percentile.

My friend and I were non traditional students so we had plenty of family issues to deal with on top of accademics. He knew some of my children through another association. We both went on to grad school. (I needed to keep up my momentum or I would never restart). My friend was so smart that he was going to be fast tracked to a doctoral degree letting him skip one year of college in the process. I was not jealous of him as he had to be at least twice as smart as me. I was happy for him.

He however, had another problem that snagged him durring school, and it took him right down to the bowels of He11. A few years after I got my Master's I was working and my daughter called me to inform me that he had committed suicide as he had been struggling to get a job. I freaked out. He was a genius and I was near genius. I worried that I would commit suicide like him. I then realized that I was not him. We had a lot in common but I was not going to commit suicide. Survivors guilt was not going to get me. I went to his funeral and it was quite a comfort to me to go but also a comfort to my children as they realized we not only went to school together but belonged to that same fraternity.

Breast Cancer is kind of like a sorrority. We are all here. Some of us don't have the high IQ that others in college have. Some never make it into an accademc fraternity. My friend should not have committed suicide. He was a genius but could not figure a way out of his issues. I am near genius. Do you know that many of the kids who had lower grades than me are far more successful in thier careers than I am. Yes I am still employed but no longer in my chosen proffession as it was too stressful for me. But I'll tell you I am very grateful to have my life as it is now even with bc. Life makes no sense to me either. It is not logical that I should be happier now than 4 years ago.

RE · September 2011

Tears for your friend, hugs for you!
Oh Renee I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear friend, it is always hard to lose one of our own. I know when I lost my sister to cancer in 07 it hit me like this is hitting you as I was just out of treatment and she was diagnosed and gone within 4 months all after she had battled cancer twice previously. I told my onco how fearful I was and that I was losing hope. Renee he looked at me sternly and said "she is not you, you are not her, your illness and her illness are not the same". I will never forget that, he was making sure I understood. He even told me that she and I have a different chemical make up and therefore cannot be compared, it did help although I was distraught and sometimes still am when she crosses my mind. Cry and be angry for a bit as you have had a great loss and it is part of the grieving process, but do not let it steal your hope she would not want that as she was your friend and she surely would want you to strive to survive in her honor. I hope you feel better soon and remember your cancer journey is unique to you and cannot be completely compared with anyone elses.

Hugs,

RE

Lighthouse_7 · September 2011

RE said:
Tears for your friend, hugs for you!
Oh Renee I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear friend, it is always hard to lose one of our own. I know when I lost my sister to cancer in 07 it hit me like this is hitting you as I was just out of treatment and she was diagnosed and gone within 4 months all after she had battled cancer twice previously. I told my onco how fearful I was and that I was losing hope. Renee he looked at me sternly and said "she is not you, you are not her, your illness and her illness are not the same". I will never forget that, he was making sure I understood. He even told me that she and I have a different chemical make up and therefore cannot be compared, it did help although I was distraught and sometimes still am when she crosses my mind. Cry and be angry for a bit as you have had a great loss and it is part of the grieving process, but do not let it steal your hope she would not want that as she was your friend and she surely would want you to strive to survive in her honor. I hope you feel better soon and remember your cancer journey is unique to you and cannot be completely compared with anyone elses.

Hugs,

RE

Renee,
I'm so sorry for your loss. This is so hard sometimes and when we lose a loved one, it gets even harder. I understand what you mean about her stage of cancer and her age but there must have been other factors that caused her death.
Please try and remember that and not compare yourself to her. I have heard that younger women have a harder time than older ones, just like someone else mentioned.

I hope you feel better soon and remember that we are all here for you.
Big Hugs,
Wanda

aysemari · September 2011

My condolences Renee
It is hard to loose another sister. But steer clear of the guilt. You can
turn the table around and think others live to 80 and up, why should
you not? It is very hard to make future plans and believe, really believe
that you will be ok, but that is what I strive to do. I find it hardest when
my physical condition is not so well.

Go to your safe place, if I recall you do Yoga and cuddle on the couch
with Jake, allow yourself to grief but don't slip into the dark murky waters
of what ifs. We are all so different. I know you and I know that you will
be up and at them again, just need to give yourself some time to grief
over the loss of your friend and validate your feelings.

Sending you hugs,
Ayse

Alexis F · September 2011

Gabe N Abby Mom said:
Here's a big (((((hug))))
Here's a big (((((hug)))) for you, and you hold on to it as long as you need...keep holding on till some of the grief has eased and you start feeling a little more stable. Then you just let me know when you need another one...

Linda

I'm so sorry Renee. Big
I'm so sorry Renee. Big hugs to you too!

Lex

ms.sunshine · September 2011

aysemari said:
My condolences Renee
It is hard to loose another sister. But steer clear of the guilt. You can
turn the table around and think others live to 80 and up, why should
you not? It is very hard to make future plans and believe, really believe
that you will be ok, but that is what I strive to do. I find it hardest when
my physical condition is not so well.

Go to your safe place, if I recall you do Yoga and cuddle on the couch
with Jake, allow yourself to grief but don't slip into the dark murky waters
of what ifs. We are all so different. I know you and I know that you will
be up and at them again, just need to give yourself some time to grief
over the loss of your friend and validate your feelings.

Sending you hugs,
Ayse

Friends are gifts
Consider it a privlege, and a blessing to have known your friend, even if for just a short time.

Whenever I read of someone passing away it reminds me of the Toby Keith song, Crying For Me.

chenheart · September 2011

There is no right or wrong
There is no right or wrong way to react to what you have gone through~ sadness and grief over the loss of someone so close to you, and obviously a Kindred Spirit of the highest order, coupled with what can be even more devastating~`FEAR. It brings all of the dark places to the fore, and makes us question everything we know and more than that, the things we dont know...

My only advice is that you don't allow your grief and fear to swallow you~give yourself "reasonable" time to cry, but then, even if it means forcing yourself, do the physical things which will produce endorphins. Let your body and mind use its own natural resources to bring you to a peaceful place. Walk, swim, dance, love, laugh....

We know each other because of a horrid, unfair, frightening, wannabe life-stealer. Scary as that of course is, we have also connected in such meaningful, life-sustaining ways. Lean on all of us, because we will also be leaning on you in the days ahead. And don't ever forget that we also laugh, rejoice, get together with, send gifts to and genuinely LOVE each other. And that gets us through most of the pain. Hold on to that, and the knowledge that your friend had you in her life. A blessing, indeed.

Hugs,
Chen♥

fauxma · September 2011

chenheart said:
There is no right or wrong
There is no right or wrong way to react to what you have gone through~ sadness and grief over the loss of someone so close to you, and obviously a Kindred Spirit of the highest order, coupled with what can be even more devastating~`FEAR. It brings all of the dark places to the fore, and makes us question everything we know and more than that, the things we dont know...

My only advice is that you don't allow your grief and fear to swallow you~give yourself "reasonable" time to cry, but then, even if it means forcing yourself, do the physical things which will produce endorphins. Let your body and mind use its own natural resources to bring you to a peaceful place. Walk, swim, dance, love, laugh....

We know each other because of a horrid, unfair, frightening, wannabe life-stealer. Scary as that of course is, we have also connected in such meaningful, life-sustaining ways. Lean on all of us, because we will also be leaning on you in the days ahead. And don't ever forget that we also laugh, rejoice, get together with, send gifts to and genuinely LOVE each other. And that gets us through most of the pain. Hold on to that, and the knowledge that your friend had you in her life. A blessing, indeed.

Hugs,
Chen♥

So sorry about this loss.
So sorry about this loss. Right now you are feeling very raw. The loss of a friend is so difficult under any circumstances but losing one who had this link with you makes it even harder. Chen and the others had good thoughts for you so I will just say I will keep you in my prayers hoping that your spirits will be restored.
Stef

gagee · September 2011

Please try to go on with
Please try to go on with your life as best you can but take time to grieve. I have a very good friend with a much worse cancer than me and I feel so guilty when I complain. She is so strong and I try to learn from her. My prayers are with you at this time of your loss. Please try to stay strong.

Hugs and Prayers, Diana

LoveBabyJesus · September 2011

So sorry.
Renee -- I am very sorry about your friend. I understand your feelings. Going through treatments my tears came down like a baby thinking of my family members who didn't make it. And wishing how they had gotten the same treatment I did, or better yet, I wish they had survived. While going through this journey, we often think about others.

Fear is often present when we learn of other people's bad cases. I can relate. I always pray that we all go though this with positive minds as we never know what the future holds. But we are not alone. You're not alone.

RozHopkins · September 2011

Good old cancer....
I would feel the same way. Today I met a little second grader at school with Book Buddies (a reading program) she has been through cancer treatment and still ongoing I think. She doesn't know I have had cancer, no need to tell her. Goodness she was such a happy little thing, bouncy and not a hint of what has happened to her marring her life. It gives me strength because of her strength. Dont torture yourself. Another person I know had breast cancer, just got over it, then her mum got it. There is no uniformity with this thing..... Keep strong, grieve but stay strong. XX

missrenee · September 2011

RozHopkins said:
Good old cancer....
I would feel the same way. Today I met a little second grader at school with Book Buddies (a reading program) she has been through cancer treatment and still ongoing I think. She doesn't know I have had cancer, no need to tell her. Goodness she was such a happy little thing, bouncy and not a hint of what has happened to her marring her life. It gives me strength because of her strength. Dont torture yourself. Another person I know had breast cancer, just got over it, then her mum got it. There is no uniformity with this thing..... Keep strong, grieve but stay strong. XX

I sure knew where to come for comfort, strength, compassion,
wisdom, hugs and love! All of you are truly wonderful. I have read all your posts over and over again. Such affirming, positive words--filled with caring and love. I'm still processing my feelings, but all of your words have been what has been helping me the most.

You are all dealing with your own battles--but yet you took the time out to try to help me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Hugs, Renee

VickiSam · September 2011

missrenee said:
I sure knew where to come for comfort, strength, compassion,
wisdom, hugs and love! All of you are truly wonderful. I have read all your posts over and over again. Such affirming, positive words--filled with caring and love. I'm still processing my feelings, but all of your words have been what has been helping me the most.

You are all dealing with your own battles--but yet you took the time out to try to help me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Hugs, Renee

I have no words to comfort you, Miss Renee ...
wisdom has gone by the wayside .. frustration has set in. I get angry and discouraged by this disease that we all have in common, breast cancer aka the dreaded beast.

I hate the vulerability and lack of a 'cure' our medical professional has left up to stats, age, grade and stage.

My heart aches for each Sister we lose to this disease -- and I find myself going into a little depression -- each and every time. The only thing that pulls me out of my funk, is the knowledge that my daughter, niece, friend or sister is depending on me and my volunteer work to keep breast cancer and our fight out in the public === in an open forum -- day to day, month to month .. year to year.

I promise to commit myself to becoming a better me, and not allowing the devastation of this disease ... stop me smiling each and every day.

Please smile and thank your friend for her friendship!

Gentle hugs, my dear friend, Renee.

Vicki Sam

skipper54 · September 2011

VickiSam said:
I have no words to comfort you, Miss Renee ...
wisdom has gone by the wayside .. frustration has set in. I get angry and discouraged by this disease that we all have in common, breast cancer aka the dreaded beast.

I hate the vulerability and lack of a 'cure' our medical professional has left up to stats, age, grade and stage.

My heart aches for each Sister we lose to this disease -- and I find myself going into a little depression -- each and every time. The only thing that pulls me out of my funk, is the knowledge that my daughter, niece, friend or sister is depending on me and my volunteer work to keep breast cancer and our fight out in the public === in an open forum -- day to day, month to month .. year to year.

I promise to commit myself to becoming a better me, and not allowing the devastation of this disease ... stop me smiling each and every day.

Please smile and thank your friend for her friendship!

Gentle hugs, my dear friend, Renee.

Vicki Sam

There's nothing to say that will make it feel better or answer
your questions. I'm just sending {{{{{HUGS}}}}} and prayers. We all go through this at some point and I know that's no comfort. Just know that there are sympathetic "ears" here. Peace my friend.

I don't quite know how to deal with this

Comments

Discussion Boards