My adult children are not too supportive. Hurts

I can sadly relate to you
My thoughts and prayers go out to you!! I do not have grandkids yet, but my two grown daughters are really wrapped up in their own lives. One daughter actually told me when I talk about my health--it is boring to her. I was a single parent and gave them all of my love, time, support, and money.

Some people say it is the way children might deal with the illness of a parent. Do you think that may be it?

carkris said:

Hugs to you.

Hugs to you.

adult children
I have had the same sad experience. I do think that many of our children really do
not know what to say or do in these circumstances. I also believe that many of our chldren are so wrapped up in their lives that they do not feel affected by our illnesses.
(((Hugs)))

I'm sorry Kaycee,
It seems like we, as Mothers have always been so strong, so supportive that maybe they don't think it's a big deal? Or maybe they just don't want to accept it? Whatever the reasons, it is so hurtful. We would NEVER want them to experience what we went through but if they did, they would be in shock of the physical and emotional pain we experienced.

Sometimes fear makes us say things we don't mean. Your daughter might be trying to minimize your experience to somehow "lessen" your cancer.

I hope and pray you get a chance to talk to them and they are more empathetic. I know my son is also kind of aloof when it comes to discussing cancer. And my daughter really doesn't want to hear about it because of fear.

I'm sending you big hugs and I hope this finds you in better spirits,

Sylvia

sea60 said:

I'm sorry Kaycee,
It seems like we, as Mothers have always been so strong, so supportive that maybe they don't think it's a big deal? Or maybe they just don't want to accept it? Whatever the reasons, it is so hurtful. We would NEVER want them to experience what we went through but if they did, they would be in shock of the physical and emotional pain we experienced.

Sometimes fear makes us say things we don't mean. Your daughter might be trying to minimize your experience to somehow "lessen" your cancer.

I hope and pray you get a chance to talk to them and they are more empathetic. I know my son is also kind of aloof when it comes to discussing cancer. And my daughter really doesn't want to hear about it because of fear.

I'm sending you big hugs and I hope this finds you in better spirits,

Sylvia

sorry to hear about
your daughter's hurtful comments. It's been my experience that sometimes people (including those close to us) simply don;t know what to say and end up saying the wrong things. A close friend of mine told me that "breast cancer is now 100% cured" and I was like "What????"" Someone else told my husband "only lucky men's wives die" when he heard I was first diagnosed...again,,,,what?????

And, it sounds like your daughter may be trying to "minimize" how much you've gone through because she's really scared.

I know how much it hurts when you don;t get emotional support from those close to you. Our experience has been that my husband's family, who we always considered ourselves very close to, have been completely unable to support us emotionally through this cancer journey. His brothers/sisters in law never call, and if they call they never want to listen, just keep telling us "don;t be nervous, everything will be fine." Only one sister in law has called me regularly just to check on me.

We have had to reach out for support from other sources like support groups as our families. If your family cannot be there for you find others who can. I have two wonderful friends that I can call anytime and cry, yell, whatever I want about my cancer. Other friends prefer to stay very much on the surface.

Laura

Maybe...
All these things are true and it hurts I know but, I watched a 21 yr old young man almost faint when he saw his dad in a hospital bed for a very minor thing. He never realized his dad was vulnerable in any way and he just totally lost it. I watched my brother be completely at a loss when his baby got cancer ( it broke up the marriage), and later with our parents illnesses, completely helpless and withdrawn from the family.

When we go through all this, our children, in addition to their busy self-centered lives, will not see that it is not a time for us to understand THEM but they know us only in that role and will react in a number of ways, none of which do us any good and are often emotionally painful.

I do not know an answer to a situation like this. A time when we are just the person we are and not a parent. A child will mostly still see themselves as our child no matter what, and we lose.

Unless we are very very lucky

Dear sweet woman
So very sorry for your pain in the heart. I know you are disappointed in your daughter, and so am I. The only thing I can think of is she is really afraid to face it, as a woman, as a mother, as a daughter. So she ignores it. It can't be that bad, it is my mother, and she is a rock. Obviously you have them well trained for this position. Really? you cooked for Thanksgiving like everything was normal? Bet you won't do that again. You have been caring for people your entire life, and just when you needed some care you felt abandoned. Sorry that you had that pain, you don't deserve it. Call your grandchildren when you feel good. Tell your daughter what you are going through, and let her know that you will be there for her if she is ever struck with this horrible disease in her life. That is no doubt, what she is most afraid of. When the "rock" in the family is ill, no one really knows what to do, and everyone feels very vulnerable. Hang in there, don't close any doors, you and your daughter can grow closer. Be how you feel. Stop pretending everything is great, ie, Thanksgiving. Do what you can and what you want to do. It is time to be selfish with your health and well being. Take care of you, pehaps for the first time ever. I am glad that you sent her a text, but perhaps a phone call, so that she could of heard the pain in your voice would of been better. Congratulations on the clean margins, you aren't off the roller coaster yet, so hang in there. When you need help, do let your daughter know what you could use help with. She has heard about all the women who have lost the battle, believe me, that scares the S#@t out of her. She is coming from a place of fear. Glad your "poor husband" is supportive, he should be! Time to put someone first, YOU....When you do that, they will follow your lead...hand in there sister...and let us know how it is going...don't wait for them to call, you call them~

sinee said:

Dear sweet woman
So very sorry for your pain in the heart. I know you are disappointed in your daughter, and so am I. The only thing I can think of is she is really afraid to face it, as a woman, as a mother, as a daughter. So she ignores it. It can't be that bad, it is my mother, and she is a rock. Obviously you have them well trained for this position. Really? you cooked for Thanksgiving like everything was normal? Bet you won't do that again. You have been caring for people your entire life, and just when you needed some care you felt abandoned. Sorry that you had that pain, you don't deserve it. Call your grandchildren when you feel good. Tell your daughter what you are going through, and let her know that you will be there for her if she is ever struck with this horrible disease in her life. That is no doubt, what she is most afraid of. When the "rock" in the family is ill, no one really knows what to do, and everyone feels very vulnerable. Hang in there, don't close any doors, you and your daughter can grow closer. Be how you feel. Stop pretending everything is great, ie, Thanksgiving. Do what you can and what you want to do. It is time to be selfish with your health and well being. Take care of you, pehaps for the first time ever. I am glad that you sent her a text, but perhaps a phone call, so that she could of heard the pain in your voice would of been better. Congratulations on the clean margins, you aren't off the roller coaster yet, so hang in there. When you need help, do let your daughter know what you could use help with. She has heard about all the women who have lost the battle, believe me, that scares the S#@t out of her. She is coming from a place of fear. Glad your "poor husband" is supportive, he should be! Time to put someone first, YOU....When you do that, they will follow your lead...hand in there sister...and let us know how it is going...don't wait for them to call, you call them~

An adult child asking for help
First of all, I am so sorry for all of you who are dealing with your children's issues along with your cancer. I am the younger daughter of a woman with breast cancer, and I found this discussion while looking for support and ideas on how to help my mother. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that my mother would be able to relate to many of you.

Here is my situation: My sister and I haven't spoken to each other in several years, starting long before my mother was diagnosed, and in "normal" times, she usually treats my mother poorly. She lives a mile away from my parents with her husband and two daughters but is not terribly supportive, from what I've been told by my mother's sister. I live in Wisconsin (my parents are in Ohio), and I feel completely helpless. I call about once a week to check in with my parents, who are both in their late 70s. Whenever I ask my parents what I can do to help, they insist that they don't need anything. I've asked my parents point-blank if my sister or her husband are doing anything to help them, but they just make excuses for them, so I don't really know if they're doing much of anything. My mother is in surgery right now having a mastectomy, and when my mother told me the other day who was going to be there with my dad, she did not name my sister (whether my sister isn't there or my mom just didn't say because of the ill will between us, I can't say, but I suspect it's the former).

I know I'm making my sister out to be the villain, but the truth is that I haven't done much to help either, except to call and check on my parents and ask what they need. After my mother had a lumpectomy in February, she developed a blood clot in her leg and was hospitalized. I drove to Ohio over a two-day weekend to visit with her and to help my dad a little at their house. As I expected, she scolded me for coming and seemed genuinely angry that I had. In one sense, I was glad I went because I knew it was the right thing to do, but I also felt foolish because of my parents' reactions - like I was totally overreacting. I think in a way they were grateful that I came, but they also chastised me and definitely made me feel like I should not have come.

When I found out just a few days ago that my mom was having surgery today, she repeatedly insisted that I shouldn't come. In all honesty, I can't afford to go, between missing work and the cost of travelling, but I would absolutely go if either of my parents asked me to or if I thought they would be appreciative instead of upset. My mother is having surgery again in September for an unrelated issue, and she has forbidden me from visiting then as well.

I guess my question for all of you is this: What would you want your children to do if you were in this situation? Should I go ahead and visit in spite of my mother's protests, or would that just make the situation worse? Is there anything I can do from this distance that would be truly helpful and not just an empty gesture? I found out about Cleaning for a Reason from a friend of mine and filled out an application, but I need to get a letter from my mother's doctor verifying that she is in treatment. Obviously, I need my parents' cooperation to do that and for them to allow someone to come into their home, but I haven't had the guts yet to ask them if they will follow through because I'm afraid of them chastising me and belittling me for suggesting that they need help.

I know that, even without my mother's cancer diagnosis, these issues would start coming up at some point because of my parents' age and generally declining health. It breaks my heart to think of how much my mother has already suffered emotionally at the hands of my sister (and myself, at times, although we've reconciled a lot over the past few years) and now to be faced with this physical and emotional suffering. I just want to do something to help ease her burden and my father's as well.

Thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy post, and I hope all of you find the support you need, from your children or elsewhere.

damahtar said:

An adult child asking for help
First of all, I am so sorry for all of you who are dealing with your children's issues along with your cancer. I am the younger daughter of a woman with breast cancer, and I found this discussion while looking for support and ideas on how to help my mother. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that my mother would be able to relate to many of you.

Here is my situation: My sister and I haven't spoken to each other in several years, starting long before my mother was diagnosed, and in "normal" times, she usually treats my mother poorly. She lives a mile away from my parents with her husband and two daughters but is not terribly supportive, from what I've been told by my mother's sister. I live in Wisconsin (my parents are in Ohio), and I feel completely helpless. I call about once a week to check in with my parents, who are both in their late 70s. Whenever I ask my parents what I can do to help, they insist that they don't need anything. I've asked my parents point-blank if my sister or her husband are doing anything to help them, but they just make excuses for them, so I don't really know if they're doing much of anything. My mother is in surgery right now having a mastectomy, and when my mother told me the other day who was going to be there with my dad, she did not name my sister (whether my sister isn't there or my mom just didn't say because of the ill will between us, I can't say, but I suspect it's the former).

I know I'm making my sister out to be the villain, but the truth is that I haven't done much to help either, except to call and check on my parents and ask what they need. After my mother had a lumpectomy in February, she developed a blood clot in her leg and was hospitalized. I drove to Ohio over a two-day weekend to visit with her and to help my dad a little at their house. As I expected, she scolded me for coming and seemed genuinely angry that I had. In one sense, I was glad I went because I knew it was the right thing to do, but I also felt foolish because of my parents' reactions - like I was totally overreacting. I think in a way they were grateful that I came, but they also chastised me and definitely made me feel like I should not have come.

When I found out just a few days ago that my mom was having surgery today, she repeatedly insisted that I shouldn't come. In all honesty, I can't afford to go, between missing work and the cost of travelling, but I would absolutely go if either of my parents asked me to or if I thought they would be appreciative instead of upset. My mother is having surgery again in September for an unrelated issue, and she has forbidden me from visiting then as well.

I guess my question for all of you is this: What would you want your children to do if you were in this situation? Should I go ahead and visit in spite of my mother's protests, or would that just make the situation worse? Is there anything I can do from this distance that would be truly helpful and not just an empty gesture? I found out about Cleaning for a Reason from a friend of mine and filled out an application, but I need to get a letter from my mother's doctor verifying that she is in treatment. Obviously, I need my parents' cooperation to do that and for them to allow someone to come into their home, but I haven't had the guts yet to ask them if they will follow through because I'm afraid of them chastising me and belittling me for suggesting that they need help.

I know that, even without my mother's cancer diagnosis, these issues would start coming up at some point because of my parents' age and generally declining health. It breaks my heart to think of how much my mother has already suffered emotionally at the hands of my sister (and myself, at times, although we've reconciled a lot over the past few years) and now to be faced with this physical and emotional suffering. I just want to do something to help ease her burden and my father's as well.

Thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy post, and I hope all of you find the support you need, from your children or elsewhere.

It's hard being the kid..when you're finally an adult!
Damahtar, I feel so badly for you! Not only are you dealing with an ill mom (WHAT??? OUR MOMS GET SICK??? IMPOSSIBLE! OUR MOMS WILL LIVE FOREVER AND ALWAYS BE THE BOSS OF US!) but with an aging one as well. You have a two-pronged problem. I of course cannot give you the perfect answer, but having spent the last couple of nights not at a Holiday Inn Express, but at the hospital with my 86 yr old mom, do have some insights.

As our parents age, most of them demand to be independent. My mom, thinking she may be having a heart attack, asked my sis to drive her to the hospital, but ONLY after Mom finished her shift at work...4 hours later. yes, my 86 yr old mom still works full-time, as a security guard, no less! She didn't want to mess up anyone else's work schedule..so they waited. Luckily, her attack was mild...but she really didn't want to go at all.

What I'm saying here, in such a long winded fashion, is that our parents want to be able to take care of themselves for as long as possible. They don't want to have to depend on us kids, they don't want to inconvience anyone. I spent about 4 hours going thru the legal procedures (the 5 Wishes) booklet with my mom. That was very hard to do, it's all about end of life decisions. Her big theme was independence.

So, when you went to your parent's, while you did it with the best intentions, they were probably freaking out, thinking you were coming to see if they could still live at home, or if it was time to start shopping for a nursing home!

I would suggest maybe calling them more often, and always telling them you can be there in X hours (10?) if they need you. And that you will be very hurt if they don't call when they need the help. But keep reminding them that you realize they can take care of themselves, you don't want to be the boss of them, and you'll help them to remain independent as long as possible.

If you just lay your cards out on the table, tell them you get it, maybe it will be easier for them to reach out when they need the help.

As for your sis....I'm thinking your mom knows of the hard feelings and will always cover for Sis cos your mom wants her girls to get along. Your mom will never tell you if your sis is ignoring her. You might try joining forces with Sis. Try to put the past behind you, and unite for your mom (dude, I've got 6 brothers and sisters...I swear somedays the only reason I speak to all of them is because I know my mom will kick my azz for wasting time on petty little fights.

Have you checked with your mom's local Cancer society about help? I know ours will do driving for treatments. Also, there is Meals on Wheels to consider. While your parents may at first poo=poo these ideas, if you sell it to them as new social contacts, saving on gas and food money, and they've lived this long, they deserve a little luxary (sorry, somedays chemo brain really does come back!)

So, to sum up: Don't treat them like kids, don't ride into town on your white horse, make it all better, then ride outta town in a few days. Join forces with your sister. Keep telling your parents how much you respect their wishes. And, when you really can't stand it, just call your mom and say "Mom, I really wanna come home. Can I? I won't make you change anything, I'm coming home because I wanna see my Mom and Dad!" Promise, that will never fail!

Good lord, how I've run on! For the record, my adult kids were fab during my surgeries and treatment. They dropped off food, knew to keep the visits with the grandkids short, and never yelled at me when I said stuff like "Hey, when I die, make sure this goes to so and so". (Of course, the girls are urging me to have a garage sale...I finally said yes, but told them we're splitting the profits. Told them we could either clear all this chit out now, or they could do it after I am gone...so let's do it now, while we can have fun and make some mad money!