Damn it... I hate this cancer...hate it..hate it...
Husband, 58, was dx with SCC tonsil October 2010. In April, it had met to lungs, which totally freaked us out. Started chemo. Without it, he's in hospice. We're both having a very hard time believing this is real.
He's been doing great on the chemo -- side-effects but all manageable. Actually thought he might be one of those very rare survivors. Yesterday, he was mowing our huge lawn and hoping he could be drawn for a local hunt. (We're country people) Last night, had a wonderful evening, watching coyotes running in the distance and little rabbits running through our back grassed acreage. He said he really hoped he could bring home an elk (with help from male friends) for winter. One elk can carry us through a winter and our meat freezer is in need of filling with game.
So, today, he went to chemo, which is 80 miles north. For the first time, I did not go. That's testament to how well we thought he was doing.
I just got a call that the tight area on his neck that we thought was scar tissue from his neck dissection is most likely a cancerous tumor. AGGGGGGGGGG.
He was calm..reserved. I broke into tears.
I can't even wrap my head around the over-the-top fear he must have. And, me, I'm so afraid of what's coming for him and for me. We have no family here. It's just me and him...for almost 3 decades...out in the middle of miles and miles of open land and dirt roads. I can't imagine losing him. He's been the "muscle" that's needed for our lifestyle..
I am just so sad...and so scared for him..
Sorry for dumping here..just had to let it out.
I know everyone else here is going through pain too. I pray you are in a better place than we are. If you are, jump for joy!
Comments
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It's like I worst fears
It's like our worst fears coming up and bitting us on the azz. I so feel your heartache. We are still in the unknown territory. My husband had stage 4a BOT SCC, he is 6 weeks out. Sending big ol' bear hugs your way. Please keep us updated, if you need someone to talk to you can always message me. We are all hear for you.0 -
nwsunni
I am so sorry for the news you received today. My heart hurts for you. I know exactly what you mean about going from thinking things are getting better and having great times, to a smack in the face reminder that things are never going to be "ok" in the sense we are used to, ever again. We also live in the country, and I also know what you mean by your hubby being the "muscle" needed for the lifestyle. So many things go through our minds at times like these and for me, everything gets jumbled up.
Here is to hoping that things are not as bad as they must seem to you right now. I hope you take the time to take care of yourself and your hubby and cry as much as you need to - be scared - scream - hit something inanimate - and come here to vent and for support. Once you get past this initial shock and fear, here is to hoping that you can find the right treatment options for both you and your hubby. I know that everyone on this board will be here to support you.
Thoughts and prayers with you always.
Myka0 -
Hey MWluv2cut1 said:nwsunni
I am so sorry for the news you received today. My heart hurts for you. I know exactly what you mean about going from thinking things are getting better and having great times, to a smack in the face reminder that things are never going to be "ok" in the sense we are used to, ever again. We also live in the country, and I also know what you mean by your hubby being the "muscle" needed for the lifestyle. So many things go through our minds at times like these and for me, everything gets jumbled up.
Here is to hoping that things are not as bad as they must seem to you right now. I hope you take the time to take care of yourself and your hubby and cry as much as you need to - be scared - scream - hit something inanimate - and come here to vent and for support. Once you get past this initial shock and fear, here is to hoping that you can find the right treatment options for both you and your hubby. I know that everyone on this board will be here to support you.
Thoughts and prayers with you always.
Myka
I heard on this board once that our cancer and our treatment is a "chronic condition". Even when it gets better, it is still a chronic condition mentally. I hope your hubby can work his way through this crap. He sounds like he is in good shape and that will help. The treatment we get is tough, but I am glad to have contracted this cancer in the U.S. We have the best treatment methods, Dr's and staff of any country I know of.....Have faith and pray together. Keep telling him how you feel. Believe me he feels the same.
I will add you to my prayers. He needs your support right now as you need his..you can beat this together.
Steve0 -
Hi -- What is 4aBOT? Was hearndog64 said:It's like I worst fears
It's like our worst fears coming up and bitting us on the azz. I so feel your heartache. We are still in the unknown territory. My husband had stage 4a BOT SCC, he is 6 weeks out. Sending big ol' bear hugs your way. Please keep us updated, if you need someone to talk to you can always message me. We are all hear for you.
Hi -- What is 4aBOT? Was he dx 6 weeks ago or was that when treatment ended? Thanks for the offer to message you. I may be doing just that!0 -
Hi Myka -- Thanks for theluv2cut1 said:nwsunni
I am so sorry for the news you received today. My heart hurts for you. I know exactly what you mean about going from thinking things are getting better and having great times, to a smack in the face reminder that things are never going to be "ok" in the sense we are used to, ever again. We also live in the country, and I also know what you mean by your hubby being the "muscle" needed for the lifestyle. So many things go through our minds at times like these and for me, everything gets jumbled up.
Here is to hoping that things are not as bad as they must seem to you right now. I hope you take the time to take care of yourself and your hubby and cry as much as you need to - be scared - scream - hit something inanimate - and come here to vent and for support. Once you get past this initial shock and fear, here is to hoping that you can find the right treatment options for both you and your hubby. I know that everyone on this board will be here to support you.
Thoughts and prayers with you always.
Myka
Hi Myka -- Thanks for the kind words. Was good to learn that you live out in the country, also. Someone that understands this lifestyle -- yahoo! You are sure right about everything getting all jumbled up. On one hand, I'm thinking of him and what he must be feeling, what it is really like to be having this experience and on the other hand, I am going "oh no" how am I going to deal with everything involved with living out here? He started teaching me how-to's a couple weeks ago. Oh boy was that rough. I am just not as strong as he was, no getting around it. And the poignancy of him preparing me for him to not be here. WoW. We could hardly talk as it was right there on both of our minds what we were really doing. I am already thinking "snow" and how in the world I am going to plow things out.
We were already told in April that he's not curable...with chemo he was told he had 6 to 9 months. But there was a 2 percent or so chance that something great could happen. Rats.
You are right. I need to hit a pillow. And then, I'm going fishing -- it's only 15 min down the road to the river. Need to clear my head. Hope he'll go with me.0 -
I'm sorry, sweetie.nwsunni said:Hi Myka -- Thanks for the
Hi Myka -- Thanks for the kind words. Was good to learn that you live out in the country, also. Someone that understands this lifestyle -- yahoo! You are sure right about everything getting all jumbled up. On one hand, I'm thinking of him and what he must be feeling, what it is really like to be having this experience and on the other hand, I am going "oh no" how am I going to deal with everything involved with living out here? He started teaching me how-to's a couple weeks ago. Oh boy was that rough. I am just not as strong as he was, no getting around it. And the poignancy of him preparing me for him to not be here. WoW. We could hardly talk as it was right there on both of our minds what we were really doing. I am already thinking "snow" and how in the world I am going to plow things out.
We were already told in April that he's not curable...with chemo he was told he had 6 to 9 months. But there was a 2 percent or so chance that something great could happen. Rats.
You are right. I need to hit a pillow. And then, I'm going fishing -- it's only 15 min down the road to the river. Need to clear my head. Hope he'll go with me.
I don't know what to say, yet again. Prayers outbound.0 -
WoWnwsunni said:Hi Myka -- Thanks for the
Hi Myka -- Thanks for the kind words. Was good to learn that you live out in the country, also. Someone that understands this lifestyle -- yahoo! You are sure right about everything getting all jumbled up. On one hand, I'm thinking of him and what he must be feeling, what it is really like to be having this experience and on the other hand, I am going "oh no" how am I going to deal with everything involved with living out here? He started teaching me how-to's a couple weeks ago. Oh boy was that rough. I am just not as strong as he was, no getting around it. And the poignancy of him preparing me for him to not be here. WoW. We could hardly talk as it was right there on both of our minds what we were really doing. I am already thinking "snow" and how in the world I am going to plow things out.
We were already told in April that he's not curable...with chemo he was told he had 6 to 9 months. But there was a 2 percent or so chance that something great could happen. Rats.
You are right. I need to hit a pillow. And then, I'm going fishing -- it's only 15 min down the road to the river. Need to clear my head. Hope he'll go with me.
Is right. Poignancy off the scale. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be going through that. I think about it all of the time, but have not actually had to experience it right there in my face like that. Please PM me anytime if you want to talk. I will give you my email address also if you want that.
Where do you live? Obviously, you live where there is snow. We do too - we live in Colorado. Our driveway is about 1/2 mile long, and the thought of trying to plow out by myself is daunting, to say the least. We have a tractor with a snowblower, but I am really not sure I could hook up the snow blower or remember how to operate it once it was hooked up. I love living in the country, but I am not very apt with machinery and, like you, I am not even close to being as strong physically as Pat is. My thoughts are with you in so many ways.
Please let me know if I can help.
Thoughts and prayers are with you always and I hope you both went fishing.
Myka0 -
4aBOTnwsunni said:Hi -- What is 4aBOT? Was he
Hi -- What is 4aBOT? Was he dx 6 weeks ago or was that when treatment ended? Thanks for the offer to message you. I may be doing just that!
4a is staging and BOT is Base of Tongue... (location)...
Just don't ever give up hope and the power of Faith, Family and Friends.....like Lance Armstrong, even 1% is better than nothing...fight, fight, fight....
Thoughts and Prayers,
JG0 -
Cancer
If I understand your post correctly, you said "most likely cancer" which means the doctors aren't sure yet? If that is the case, please do not allow the unknown to scare you and send you back over the edge. I know it is hard to do, but try to wait until you know the diagnosis for sure.
My doctors thought I had cancer return in an area and scared my husband and I with their somber news. Come to find out, it was only scar tissue.
Stay strong and keep your chin up. Approach each day as it is given to you. One day at a time.
Hugs,
Teresa0 -
Hate
Hating on it with you. Praying and thinking of you both. Dump on us anytime. That doesn't sound right but you know what I mean.
AB0 -
I wondered this tooPam M said:Hate It
When will you know about the tight area in his neck? Am hoping doc jumped the gun on throwing out the "most likely a cancerous tumor", and happily has to eat their words later.
Did one of the chemo nurses 'diagnose' the possible scar tissue/tumor? Usually on chemo days we didn't see an MD oncology diagnostician; we loved most of our chemo RNs and they had plenty of opinions. But it takes special scans/biopsies etc to determine cancerous tumors and I hope when you do get news, it's good. I know you guys are having a rough time, here's hoping the sunny times shine brightly.0 -
PRAYERS AND POSITVE THOUGHTS HEADED YOUR WAY
I am sorry to hear of your latest news. keep thinking positive.
Best!!
Mike0 -
Hi -- knew the staging (wishSkiffin16 said:4aBOT
4a is staging and BOT is Base of Tongue... (location)...
Just don't ever give up hope and the power of Faith, Family and Friends.....like Lance Armstrong, even 1% is better than nothing...fight, fight, fight....
Thoughts and Prayers,
JG
Hi -- knew the staging (wish I didn't!) but didn't know BOT. Thanks for the edu. Yep re 1% but my guy is running out of fight I think.0 -
We'll (he, actually) bepalmyrafan said:Cancer
If I understand your post correctly, you said "most likely cancer" which means the doctors aren't sure yet? If that is the case, please do not allow the unknown to scare you and send you back over the edge. I know it is hard to do, but try to wait until you know the diagnosis for sure.
My doctors thought I had cancer return in an area and scared my husband and I with their somber news. Come to find out, it was only scar tissue.
Stay strong and keep your chin up. Approach each day as it is given to you. One day at a time.
Hugs,
Teresa
We'll (he, actually) be having a CT scan next Wednesday right before chemo. I'm sharing your message with Bob as he's having a really hard time today -- he's on the verge of tears and all choked up whenever I talk with him. He's talking about being close to ending all of this treatment and just going out to the woods and dying. We've had nothing but bad news, after bad news since last October.
The area on his neck is below the incision from the neck dissection but further to the front, next to the larynx, which is really scarey to us. For the past four weeks, we have thought it was scar tissue, too, and so did his oncologist. But it's been getting bigger which is the same thing that happened with the "bump"on his neck when this all started eight months ago.
When we go to chemo, he is seen by the oncologist before every treatment. Doctor told him that the growth of the lump "that's a bad sign..doesn't look good... looks like a tumor is growing" It sure looks like it to me, also.
We called today and asked about surgery for it but the doctor told us that surgery is not an option. I don't know why but will learn more next week.
Trying to stay strong but easier said than done.
Oh, how I hope it's scar tissue. Did your look like the "normal" lump on the neck that most head/neck folks find as the first symptom???0 -
Wish it had been a nurse...Lelia said:I wondered this too
Did one of the chemo nurses 'diagnose' the possible scar tissue/tumor? Usually on chemo days we didn't see an MD oncology diagnostician; we loved most of our chemo RNs and they had plenty of opinions. But it takes special scans/biopsies etc to determine cancerous tumors and I hope when you do get news, it's good. I know you guys are having a rough time, here's hoping the sunny times shine brightly.
Wish it had been a nurse... We see the oncologist before every chemo treatment, which is great I guess. If you saw what I see now, though, it really does look like "the lump" he had before on his neck. For the longest time, we thought that tight area was scar tissue but it's changing and growing. It's right next to his larynx.
I just don't understand why others his age have the darn surgery and radiation and then go on and live for years without any mets while he had mets just a couple months later -- and 21 of them to boot on what was a clean lung. I'm feeling so terribly jealous of everyone else here which is horrid of me!! Oh well.0 -
Hey Sweetb --- You were sosweetblood22 said:I'm sorry, sweetie.
I don't know what to say, yet again. Prayers outbound.
Hey Sweetb --- You were so right on about his "anger" in your other post. He has been apologizing to me profusely since then. Told me that he's just a "jerk sometimes." But we all know it's the cancer fear talking. He also told me that he didn't know what he ever did in his life to deserve me but he's so glad that I have stuck by him even in his worst behavior moments. So thanks for your earlier words and keeping me going. I don't wish this journey on any one. Never knew any one with cancer before this began and had no idea what this kind of agony felt like. I'd rather be eating ice cream and fishing, that's for sure. :-))0 -
Don't knownwsunni said:Wish it had been a nurse...
Wish it had been a nurse... We see the oncologist before every chemo treatment, which is great I guess. If you saw what I see now, though, it really does look like "the lump" he had before on his neck. For the longest time, we thought that tight area was scar tissue but it's changing and growing. It's right next to his larynx.
I just don't understand why others his age have the darn surgery and radiation and then go on and live for years without any mets while he had mets just a couple months later -- and 21 of them to boot on what was a clean lung. I'm feeling so terribly jealous of everyone else here which is horrid of me!! Oh well.
I don't know if this is of any comfort, but you and your husband have been in my prayers all week. It sucks, and I hope for good news next week. But you have some time to wait, so I also wish you some comfort and relaxation, possibly some fishing that you mentioned, a bit of laughter, and a bit of peace.
Sending you a hug.0 -
Prayers . . .nwsunni said:Wish it had been a nurse...
Wish it had been a nurse... We see the oncologist before every chemo treatment, which is great I guess. If you saw what I see now, though, it really does look like "the lump" he had before on his neck. For the longest time, we thought that tight area was scar tissue but it's changing and growing. It's right next to his larynx.
I just don't understand why others his age have the darn surgery and radiation and then go on and live for years without any mets while he had mets just a couple months later -- and 21 of them to boot on what was a clean lung. I'm feeling so terribly jealous of everyone else here which is horrid of me!! Oh well.
Continue to be with you. I know it is hard for both you and him to keep up the fight. Hang in there as best you can together and know that everyone here is praying hard for you.
Myka0
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