Spouse surprises me -not in good ways-anyone else?

Pinkpower said:

Hi Denise
So sorry to hear
Hi Denise

So sorry to hear there are so many woman going thru similar situations with spouse, I also agree thank God for your daughter. I have 2 daughters so Im lucky I will always have 1 or both at my side. In Sept 2009, At age 41, I had stage II, HER2 +, estrogen and progestrogen +, my cancer though caught early was very aggressive, I had lumpectomy, chemo (taxotere, carboplatin and herceptin) plus radiation. Thru it all I cont to work full time, only missing 2-3 days after each chemo, went full time thru all 33 daily rounds of chemo. Was put on Tomaxifen but Oncologist and my Gyno doc, so I had my ovaries and tubes removed to lower my chances. Thru all of this my husband was very very helpful and sympathetic, help with housework, the kids, cooked, everything. But I did complain in earlier discussions how he became my caregiver and stopped being a husband. I felt physically and emotionally negleted. After a few talks, we got over his fear of pushing me to do something i was not ready for, after awhile things finally got really good in the intimate department. Then I lost my job, his only sister who lives in another state was dx with Pancreatic Cancer, and I noticed things started to change a little. Then finally, his sister died within 9mo after dx and it really took a toll on him. The grief for his sister, my constant medicine changes from Tomaxifen to Femera to Aromasin to back to Tomaxifen which not only gave me severe side effects to deal with but screwed with my moods, and add to all of this a 17yr old teenage girl with normal problems and a hispanic father who refuses to let his little girl grow up, and as if not enough add financial struggles and his job throwing him into 3rd graveyard shift. Let just say that I can see it all too much for him to handle, but I have been the superwoman thru it all, I did not ask for cancer, side effects issues, being laid off and his sister passing. But Im the one paying for it. So do I relate? oh yeah. I want my loving husband back! Sorry I ranted on.

Praying for you and all of us, Lupe

sea60 said:

Sorry Denise
And it's not my place to say but I'm gonna say it...that's just plain selfish. It just bakes my cookies when I hear such lack of compassion. I'll just bet if it was him sick you would be right there for him, physically AND emotionally.

I'm sorry to hear that on top of what you have to deal with, you have to deal with this unwanted behavior.

Hang in there Sister.

Hugs,

Sylvia

Angie2U said:

I am so sorry Denise that
I am so sorry Denise that you are having this problem now with your husband. I just don't understand why he doesn't understand that you need help.

Have fun tonight, you deserve it!


Hugs, Angie

cahjah75 said:

Denise
while reading (Double Whammy) Suzanne's reply I thought that would be exactly what I would have written. My husband has worked so hard in order to provide for me since I had to quit my job 3 years ago (broke both shoulders). Breast cancer treatment just added to the fatigue. Amazingly I no longer need antidepressants. My husband will do anything I ask him to do but I have to ask...... He also has to do the vacumming and much of the cooking because I can't lift anything. Although he doesn't do things to my satisfaction I have learned not to criticize. I hired a cleaning woman and had her come every other week for almost a year but eventually I couldn't afford to keep her. So, I do what I can when I can and we both have to be happy with that. I used to clean my house every week but those days are gone forever. You say your husband wasn't supportive about standing by in case you needed him while taking a shower. My husband had to give me a shower and wash my hair for more than 18 months! I hope life improves for you but you come here anytime just to vent and we'll listen
{{hugs}} Char

Lynn Smith said:

My husband
My husband has never been supporative.I have had long hospital stays and other major surgeries. The only one he did anything for me was my hysterocomy.The doctor told him how it was and he listened.Anyway with my complications no way would I have been able to move like I did with other surgeries.

My husband and I have been married for 42 years.When I came home with surgeries he found something to do(mow etc).He also acted like he just couldn't get off work one extra day.With the 6 breast surgery operation I did about everything(but lift).I slowly put clothes in the washer and dryer, slowing folded and walked to put away.Not the treatment my friends always get.There husband wait on them hand and foot.

The last 2 breast cancer surgeries.First one to take out the cancerous tumor and second to check margins and take out a benign tumor.I told my husband and he said "I will take off the day of surgery".I told him NO the doctor said I shouldn't be home alone the next day.I should be watched 24 hours later.So he took off but balked.Any other time he goes to work.Doesn't like the place but never wants off if it means superwoman can't do anything.

I put my foot down.I was tired of all the years no attention but if I said someone else was sick he thought that's to bad. Now he has changed. We have a tiff now and then but he took a 360 degree turn.I told him I needed to be happy and feel loved.Life is to short.I didn't think about life before but now with my dx I do.I think we all do.Until someone else walks in our shoes they can't understand.So far my husband has had good health.Not alot of major surgeries but some heart problems and stents put in. He has no idea because he never stayed in a hospital but overnight but I've had a 2 months stay and a month stay throughout our marriage. He even hated waisting time in the hospital but I was lonely.He could at least do that.

My husband does have a demandiing job.7 days a week and for many years 12 hours a day.In over 25 years I don't remember him ever being on just 5 days a week. That could be the reason I got no attention from him.

Lynn Smith

Heatherbelle said:

same here
I wish I could offer you words of wisdom Denise, but I am in a similar place with my family. My husband is never home, he is always working, which I understand is to provide for us, but when he is here it's like because he works all day he's exempt from household chores. I'm having a terrible time with our 10 year old. I actually told my husband last night that we need to get into family counseling, because I can't handle fighting all summer long. I need to call my Dr, too, because I'm really depressed-I'm manic depressive and am in quite a depressive state lately, and I don't think my medication that I'm on is working as well anymore. But the household issues are not all my fault! They like to blame everything on the cancer-so nobody is at fault but me I'm with you sister -sending big *hugs*
heather

Lynn Smith said:

Denise
Gee after reading other posts looke like alot of us are going through this.I felt since my dx and reading others posts I was the only one who wasn't getting support.Now others are speaking out about the same thing.

I bet there are many many more.I think since my dx and no chemo or radiation made my husband thought this is just like all other surgery.BUT it isn't.My life has changed drastically. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.But if there is someone out that who could care less about me and my health then let them walk in my shoes.It called a WAKE UP CALL. ONE none of us wanted. There is no turning back. We have to move forward.I came to that conclusion.

I feel stronger in our relationship now. He has changed ALOT!!!! And I hope he stays that way.

Strange thing tonight.I went to the store with my husband.A lady(cashier)that I dont know (but husband knows) from going in there called him honey,sweetheart and you name it.She said I always flirt with your husband when he walks in.I'm not jeolous of him but I got sick of it.I don't think my husband would have taken me in if he THOUGHT she would say it in front of me but she did. It takes all kinds to make the world go round.In fact I am probably 20 years older than her and look younger than her. LOL. Maybe I should say call him anything you want because I look better than you.Or maybe "we must be the same age"."Are you over 60" or pushing 70????

Lynn Smith