Spouse surprises me -not in good ways-anyone else?

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disneyfan2008
disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
Been through Breast cancer , radation and now hysterctomy due to tamoxifen! My husband of 25 yrs (26 next week) is so throwing me off wtih lack of compassion, concern and help. IT is kind of surprising but hurts. I was told by Dr to do no housework etc, take it easy etc..I am listening completely! When first home from hospital I got very woozy in shower and he was kind of annoyed. He is doing my laundry and it's like I am just lazy. I have been super woman,super mom and super wife for many years! I told him how much misc things hurt and his body language speaks many words. IS IT his fear of me being sick or just 26 yrs of me doing it all and unsure how to handle me putting ME as # 1?

Any thoughts or simular experience?

Denise

Most hurtful thing was prior to surgery terrible time getting IV starting..he was watching tv...did hold me hand but watching tv...so not like him for all these years...I just don't get it..
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  • robang13
    robang13 Member Posts: 333
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    I think I kinda know what
    I think I kinda know what you're saying. I've been noticing similar looks in my hubby of 27 years. I think at first they are afraid and try to do everything they can for you to make it easy. Then as days turn into weeks turn into months they start to feel like there may be no end in sight and this may be their job in addition to what they already do? At first my hubby was running around asking what he could do for me. Now I have to tell him to please do something and I get a sigh. I then remind him that I am not 100% healed yet and I think he then realizes that he is wrong. He is in such a hurry for things to go back to normal that he is annoyed that it isn't happening fast enough? It's like we have to remind them daily that it isn't our choice to be needy. I think they are just so used to us being wonder woman that seeing us like this for a prolonged period of time is just too confusing for them. The other day I told my dear husband that just because I was finished with rads does not mean I am 100% back to normal and that he better get his **** together until I am. I must say that I noticed an improvement in attitude since then!! Maybe your hubby needs the same "talk" ? As for the IV thing, maybe he couldn't watch you get stuck over and over again? They don't like to see us in pain so maybe he was getting wheezy?

    Angela
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
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    robang13 said:

    I think I kinda know what
    I think I kinda know what you're saying. I've been noticing similar looks in my hubby of 27 years. I think at first they are afraid and try to do everything they can for you to make it easy. Then as days turn into weeks turn into months they start to feel like there may be no end in sight and this may be their job in addition to what they already do? At first my hubby was running around asking what he could do for me. Now I have to tell him to please do something and I get a sigh. I then remind him that I am not 100% healed yet and I think he then realizes that he is wrong. He is in such a hurry for things to go back to normal that he is annoyed that it isn't happening fast enough? It's like we have to remind them daily that it isn't our choice to be needy. I think they are just so used to us being wonder woman that seeing us like this for a prolonged period of time is just too confusing for them. The other day I told my dear husband that just because I was finished with rads does not mean I am 100% back to normal and that he better get his **** together until I am. I must say that I noticed an improvement in attitude since then!! Maybe your hubby needs the same "talk" ? As for the IV thing, maybe he couldn't watch you get stuck over and over again? They don't like to see us in pain so maybe he was getting wheezy?

    Angela

    @angela thanks for the reply
    IT brings tears to my eyes....I just don't get it...after therapy 7 yrs ago (both of us) i was told dont' try to be super woman they IS NOT SUCH person. I let things go for me! I did tell my hubby other day good thing I DID NOT have chemo....sick, vomiting etc...I said when I get real ILL I will have to check myself into nursing home.

    (I MUST say my 19 yr old was great..she slept with me whole hospital stay, helped me shower, changed my bandage daily, went to the ER with me two days in row...got me food etc...she was /is great...true love) I told my hubby I dont' know what I WOULD have done without her! no comment..

    I just don't get it 26 yrs ...denial? mad? sad? I am high energy person and he is not used to me sitting on couch 20 hrs a day...

    other thing first day home he came home to check on me...yet didnt' ask if i wanted drink or food..just came in and left...I told him that and no comment..

    I said this am in nice tone...i did it all for years and now that I can not it's like annoyed instead of making you appreciate all I did for all these years..

    Thanks again for reply..i just needed to vent..
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
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    robang13 said:

    I think I kinda know what
    I think I kinda know what you're saying. I've been noticing similar looks in my hubby of 27 years. I think at first they are afraid and try to do everything they can for you to make it easy. Then as days turn into weeks turn into months they start to feel like there may be no end in sight and this may be their job in addition to what they already do? At first my hubby was running around asking what he could do for me. Now I have to tell him to please do something and I get a sigh. I then remind him that I am not 100% healed yet and I think he then realizes that he is wrong. He is in such a hurry for things to go back to normal that he is annoyed that it isn't happening fast enough? It's like we have to remind them daily that it isn't our choice to be needy. I think they are just so used to us being wonder woman that seeing us like this for a prolonged period of time is just too confusing for them. The other day I told my dear husband that just because I was finished with rads does not mean I am 100% back to normal and that he better get his **** together until I am. I must say that I noticed an improvement in attitude since then!! Maybe your hubby needs the same "talk" ? As for the IV thing, maybe he couldn't watch you get stuck over and over again? They don't like to see us in pain so maybe he was getting wheezy?

    Angela

    @angela thanks for the reply
    IT brings tears to my eyes....I just don't get it...after therapy 7 yrs ago (both of us) i was told dont' try to be super woman they IS NOT SUCH person. I let things go for me! I did tell my hubby other day good thing I DID NOT have chemo....sick, vomiting etc...I said when I get real ILL I will have to check myself into nursing home.

    (I MUST say my 19 yr old was great..she slept with me whole hospital stay, helped me shower, changed my bandage daily, went to the ER with me two days in row...got me food etc...she was /is great...true love) I told my hubby I dont' know what I WOULD have done without her! no comment..

    I just don't get it 26 yrs ...denial? mad? sad? I am high energy person and he is not used to me sitting on couch 20 hrs a day...

    other thing first day home he came home to check on me...yet didnt' ask if i wanted drink or food..just came in and left...I told him that and no comment..

    I said this am in nice tone...i did it all for years and now that I can not it's like annoyed instead of making you appreciate all I did for all these years..

    Thanks again for reply..i just needed to vent..
  • helen e
    helen e Member Posts: 223
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    I totally understand!!
    My husband and I have been in therapy for the last year because while he was there for me physically, emotionally he was gone. He even admitted this to our therapist. It was all about him. He lost his mother three weeks before my diagnosis and told me a total of 6 times that because of my diagnosis he hadn't had a chance to mourn his mother. Like I asked God to give me cancer right then. Then he lost his job and hurt his back and I wound up having to take care of him while I was recovering for 2 1/2 months from a mastectomy and TRAM Flap reconstruction.
    I has been a long hard road back but we are slowly rebuilding our marriage again - although I am no longer doing the super mom or super wife routine anymore. I think that is what hurt me to begin with. I have to let him be the adult too. I hope that this lets you see that you are not alone. If you need to talk pm me.

    Helen
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
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    helen e said:

    I totally understand!!
    My husband and I have been in therapy for the last year because while he was there for me physically, emotionally he was gone. He even admitted this to our therapist. It was all about him. He lost his mother three weeks before my diagnosis and told me a total of 6 times that because of my diagnosis he hadn't had a chance to mourn his mother. Like I asked God to give me cancer right then. Then he lost his job and hurt his back and I wound up having to take care of him while I was recovering for 2 1/2 months from a mastectomy and TRAM Flap reconstruction.
    I has been a long hard road back but we are slowly rebuilding our marriage again - although I am no longer doing the super mom or super wife routine anymore. I think that is what hurt me to begin with. I have to let him be the adult too. I hope that this lets you see that you are not alone. If you need to talk pm me.

    Helen

    @helen
    yes I get it, kind of like checked out emotionally....I had to go to er by ambulance shortly after surgery...I said to him I wanted my daughter HE was not going for that...but she couldn't find her glasses to drive so she came with me. I was happy..she was very caring, loving and sweet during 2 of the worst procedures in my life...I was so happy she was there.

    I just dont' get it-I was super woman 110% and when I am slacking off DUE TO medical I THOUGHT i would be tended to. IT"S LIKE i personally did this to him....

    I am confused/hurt and sad...

    HOW DO I PM you? I have only replied to PM...sorry..!

    Thanks for reply..

    Denise
    I started going to therapist prior to surgery etc, I told him, showed him the office etc. HE never asked why I am going or mentioned him coming with me sometimes. (in past years we went for long time and he was the one who requested and set it up)
  • natly15
    natly15 Member Posts: 1,941
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    @helen
    yes I get it, kind of like checked out emotionally....I had to go to er by ambulance shortly after surgery...I said to him I wanted my daughter HE was not going for that...but she couldn't find her glasses to drive so she came with me. I was happy..she was very caring, loving and sweet during 2 of the worst procedures in my life...I was so happy she was there.

    I just dont' get it-I was super woman 110% and when I am slacking off DUE TO medical I THOUGHT i would be tended to. IT"S LIKE i personally did this to him....

    I am confused/hurt and sad...

    HOW DO I PM you? I have only replied to PM...sorry..!

    Thanks for reply..

    Denise
    I started going to therapist prior to surgery etc, I told him, showed him the office etc. HE never asked why I am going or mentioned him coming with me sometimes. (in past years we went for long time and he was the one who requested and set it up)

    Sounds like he has
    Sounds like he has emotionally checked out. Your surgery has thrown his comfortable ways out of whack. Perhaps he has made himself immune to your pain because he's been there and done that, perhaps because he is angry at your illness, scared, and his life has been turned upside down once again. Your surgery is also an inconvenience, you aren't going thru cancer treatment and perhaps he doesnt understand that a hysterectomy is major surgery. Men are creatures unlike us. My hubby was most supportive thru all my treatment, but when I had my scans this week which threw me into an emotional state, he reacted somewhat indifferent. I had to explain to him what I was going thru and then he apologized. We are mostly all super women, and sometimes we become their moms. When illness hits us they have a very difficult time accepting and handling it. Men simply do not handle situations like us. They also dont feel like we feel things. Hope you have that talk with him. Let him know how hurt you are and let him know you need both his physical and emotional support right now. Wishing you the best. Hugs
  • robang13
    robang13 Member Posts: 333
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    @angela thanks for the reply
    IT brings tears to my eyes....I just don't get it...after therapy 7 yrs ago (both of us) i was told dont' try to be super woman they IS NOT SUCH person. I let things go for me! I did tell my hubby other day good thing I DID NOT have chemo....sick, vomiting etc...I said when I get real ILL I will have to check myself into nursing home.

    (I MUST say my 19 yr old was great..she slept with me whole hospital stay, helped me shower, changed my bandage daily, went to the ER with me two days in row...got me food etc...she was /is great...true love) I told my hubby I dont' know what I WOULD have done without her! no comment..

    I just don't get it 26 yrs ...denial? mad? sad? I am high energy person and he is not used to me sitting on couch 20 hrs a day...

    other thing first day home he came home to check on me...yet didnt' ask if i wanted drink or food..just came in and left...I told him that and no comment..

    I said this am in nice tone...i did it all for years and now that I can not it's like annoyed instead of making you appreciate all I did for all these years..

    Thanks again for reply..i just needed to vent..

    Denise,
    email me if you want

    Denise,
    email me if you want to talk...
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
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    natly15 said:

    Sounds like he has
    Sounds like he has emotionally checked out. Your surgery has thrown his comfortable ways out of whack. Perhaps he has made himself immune to your pain because he's been there and done that, perhaps because he is angry at your illness, scared, and his life has been turned upside down once again. Your surgery is also an inconvenience, you aren't going thru cancer treatment and perhaps he doesnt understand that a hysterectomy is major surgery. Men are creatures unlike us. My hubby was most supportive thru all my treatment, but when I had my scans this week which threw me into an emotional state, he reacted somewhat indifferent. I had to explain to him what I was going thru and then he apologized. We are mostly all super women, and sometimes we become their moms. When illness hits us they have a very difficult time accepting and handling it. Men simply do not handle situations like us. They also dont feel like we feel things. Hope you have that talk with him. Let him know how hurt you are and let him know you need both his physical and emotional support right now. Wishing you the best. Hugs

    checked out alright
    My 19 yr old just said to me is dad okay? i said yeah why? oh he just seems ahhhhhhhhh!

    My Breast cancer (3yrs ago) I never missed a beat with anything around the house..only missed 6 days of work..did radiation on my lunch hour....everything stayed the same...THIS was my 10 surgery-misc procedures over the years and this is the first time I ever really truely took it easy (also I am now 51 yr old so makes a difference)....THis is my 4th week of being lazy...so not me..I am energizer bunny 24/7 and now sit on couch..no house work at all...being totally selfish...(or doing as the Drs told me)

    LIKE he's not in there when I LOOK at his eyes...I TOLD HIM how bad it hurt me and only thing is said was you are right it was wrong of me to watch Tv while you were in pain...never sorry...OR how rotten of me etc....

    Thanks for input..

    Denise
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
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    natly15 said:

    Sounds like he has
    Sounds like he has emotionally checked out. Your surgery has thrown his comfortable ways out of whack. Perhaps he has made himself immune to your pain because he's been there and done that, perhaps because he is angry at your illness, scared, and his life has been turned upside down once again. Your surgery is also an inconvenience, you aren't going thru cancer treatment and perhaps he doesnt understand that a hysterectomy is major surgery. Men are creatures unlike us. My hubby was most supportive thru all my treatment, but when I had my scans this week which threw me into an emotional state, he reacted somewhat indifferent. I had to explain to him what I was going thru and then he apologized. We are mostly all super women, and sometimes we become their moms. When illness hits us they have a very difficult time accepting and handling it. Men simply do not handle situations like us. They also dont feel like we feel things. Hope you have that talk with him. Let him know how hurt you are and let him know you need both his physical and emotional support right now. Wishing you the best. Hugs

    long talk priror to this situation
    I said you have no clue what most other wives could or would be like while going through breast cancer...I dont' complain...work...you never even knew I went to radation (since I never said boo about it) HE SAID well maybe if you complained more I'd pay more attention..LIKE dahhhhhh that makes NO sense...

    I am so confused....
  • TKMomma
    TKMomma Member Posts: 54
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    Same Thing
    Denise ..... going thru something very similar. Two surgeries, completing rads in two weeks. Working full time and have never felt such fatigue before. He mever asks how I'm feeling, never offers to help with obvious things that need done like taking laundry upstairs, etc. and golfs and goes to our hangout very frequently leaving me alone and never asks if I want to do something. He has no idea what I look like and leisions starting, etc. I have never felt so alone in all my life. Sent him a direct letter via email on Friday explaining how I felt and that I came close to asking him to leave, etc. Never acknowledged the email. He was mad and it made me feel like I was the bad guy in this situation. I don't get it either but what I do get is this will take along time to heal..... more than the cancer. Hang in there Denise. You're not alone.
  • TKMomma
    TKMomma Member Posts: 54
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    hysterectomy
    Denise ..... I am also soon to begin tamoxafin. Did the drug cause you to have a hysterectomy? I'm really worried about taking this tamoxifin. Blood clots scare me. I'm also in the midst of that great time in life - the change - and worried what tamoxafin is going to cause. I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts on the drug. thanks.
  • LoveBabyJesus
    LoveBabyJesus Member Posts: 1,679 Member
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    Not married, but...
    I understand what you're going through. I am with someone for two years now and he has been there for me. However, I do know there may be a possibility of him being so scared, and feeling like he can't control the situation, that he may change. I have spoken to another girl, 33, who is married and has been experiencing similar things. Where her husband does not want to hear the word "c" at all. He just doesn't want to hear it, period.

    This is a very hard situation, which is why I have suggested - in my relationship - to go to a support group for men. I happen to have a relative in my family whose wife had BC twice and they both volunteered with ACS to help wives and husbands go though these difficult times. The husband talks to men who are having a difficult time dealing with the situation, and in return do not support their wives. This is not because they don't care - many times - it is because of many factors, like fear, insecurity, and the lack of ability to handle the situation. Thank God for your daughter. She too is a woman, and women are built emotionally stronger than men, in my opinion.

    My suggestion is to seek some help under Oncology. There are therapists for cancer patients as well as support groups to help not only the patient, but their loved ones. I think the earlier you start the better, to make him cope with the situation and lose some of that fear. I think it will help (I hope he agrees to do this). I will try this too, although I am not married, I want him to feel comfortable with his decisions and lose the fear.

    Good luck to you Denise. You're are a great woman! God bless you.
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
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    TKMomma said:

    hysterectomy
    Denise ..... I am also soon to begin tamoxafin. Did the drug cause you to have a hysterectomy? I'm really worried about taking this tamoxifin. Blood clots scare me. I'm also in the midst of that great time in life - the change - and worried what tamoxafin is going to cause. I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts on the drug. thanks.

    baby asprin a day while on tamoxfen
    after 2 1/2 yrs I had issues...thickening of uterus which is common.MY onologist insisted @ 6mths to have internal ultrasound to check for it..(followed by d & c each time) then after post meno I started bleeding...so that is why I had hysterctomy...I was taken off tamoxifen for 2+mths and it didn't get better...(prior to surgery of course)

    Denise
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
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    Not married, but...
    I understand what you're going through. I am with someone for two years now and he has been there for me. However, I do know there may be a possibility of him being so scared, and feeling like he can't control the situation, that he may change. I have spoken to another girl, 33, who is married and has been experiencing similar things. Where her husband does not want to hear the word "c" at all. He just doesn't want to hear it, period.

    This is a very hard situation, which is why I have suggested - in my relationship - to go to a support group for men. I happen to have a relative in my family whose wife had BC twice and they both volunteered with ACS to help wives and husbands go though these difficult times. The husband talks to men who are having a difficult time dealing with the situation, and in return do not support their wives. This is not because they don't care - many times - it is because of many factors, like fear, insecurity, and the lack of ability to handle the situation. Thank God for your daughter. She too is a woman, and women are built emotionally stronger than men, in my opinion.

    My suggestion is to seek some help under Oncology. There are therapists for cancer patients as well as support groups to help not only the patient, but their loved ones. I think the earlier you start the better, to make him cope with the situation and lose some of that fear. I think it will help (I hope he agrees to do this). I will try this too, although I am not married, I want him to feel comfortable with his decisions and lose the fear.

    Good luck to you Denise. You're are a great woman! God bless you.

    Thanks...I did email my
    Thanks...I did email my husband...said I did it all and now that I can't...(tend to every need of family)you dont' like it...I am so confused...he said I am so hung up on he watched CNN while i was in pain....! HE thinks that is my only issue..

    first shower at home I truly almost passed out and he was not compassioante at all...he just shut down...I have therapist but just for misc things...not illness etc...I may call her today to make appt...she is 3 floors up in old building so I couldnt' to stairs..but it's time..

    Thanks for reply....denise
  • poplolly
    poplolly Member Posts: 346
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    Denise, I agree with what
    Denise, I agree with what our sisters have said. It sounds like he doesn't really think there's anything wrong with you. I do think it is because when we're sick through the years, we have to go on and do all the things you said. He could be going through the stages of grief. One of the stages is anger and it really sounds like he's mad about the illness. Then, I wonder how has he been through the years. Is this a drastic change or has he always been selfish??
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
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    poplolly said:

    Denise, I agree with what
    Denise, I agree with what our sisters have said. It sounds like he doesn't really think there's anything wrong with you. I do think it is because when we're sick through the years, we have to go on and do all the things you said. He could be going through the stages of grief. One of the stages is anger and it really sounds like he's mad about the illness. Then, I wonder how has he been through the years. Is this a drastic change or has he always been selfish??

    pretty drastic
    I think it's just cuz in past I never missed a beat...and now I am much older then past issues...and really listening to Dr...in past I did what I had to go to keep going with family matters...

    Maybe scared...or just clueless how major operation complete hyterectomy....

    Even for the Dr to say 4 wks and now said week or two more...for complete recovery..

    Thanks for reply...

    Denise
  • Pinkpower
    Pinkpower Member Posts: 437
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    pretty drastic
    I think it's just cuz in past I never missed a beat...and now I am much older then past issues...and really listening to Dr...in past I did what I had to go to keep going with family matters...

    Maybe scared...or just clueless how major operation complete hyterectomy....

    Even for the Dr to say 4 wks and now said week or two more...for complete recovery..

    Thanks for reply...

    Denise

    Hi Denise
    So sorry to hear

    Hi Denise

    So sorry to hear there are so many woman going thru similar situations with spouse, I also agree thank God for your daughter. I have 2 daughters so Im lucky I will always have 1 or both at my side. In Sept 2009, At age 41, I had stage II, HER2 +, estrogen and progestrogen +, my cancer though caught early was very aggressive, I had lumpectomy, chemo (taxotere, carboplatin and herceptin) plus radiation. Thru it all I cont to work full time, only missing 2-3 days after each chemo, went full time thru all 33 daily rounds of chemo. Was put on Tomaxifen but Oncologist and my Gyno doc, so I had my ovaries and tubes removed to lower my chances. Thru all of this my husband was very very helpful and sympathetic, help with housework, the kids, cooked, everything. But I did complain in earlier discussions how he became my caregiver and stopped being a husband. I felt physically and emotionally negleted. After a few talks, we got over his fear of pushing me to do something i was not ready for, after awhile things finally got really good in the intimate department. Then I lost my job, his only sister who lives in another state was dx with Pancreatic Cancer, and I noticed things started to change a little. Then finally, his sister died within 9mo after dx and it really took a toll on him. The grief for his sister, my constant medicine changes from Tomaxifen to Femera to Aromasin to back to Tomaxifen which not only gave me severe side effects to deal with but screwed with my moods, and add to all of this a 17yr old teenage girl with normal problems and a hispanic father who refuses to let his little girl grow up, and as if not enough add financial struggles and his job throwing him into 3rd graveyard shift. Let just say that I can see it all too much for him to handle, but I have been the superwoman thru it all, I did not ask for cancer, side effects issues, being laid off and his sister passing. But Im the one paying for it. So do I relate? oh yeah. I want my loving husband back! Sorry I ranted on.

    Praying for you and all of us, Lupe
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
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    Pinkpower said:

    Hi Denise
    So sorry to hear

    Hi Denise

    So sorry to hear there are so many woman going thru similar situations with spouse, I also agree thank God for your daughter. I have 2 daughters so Im lucky I will always have 1 or both at my side. In Sept 2009, At age 41, I had stage II, HER2 +, estrogen and progestrogen +, my cancer though caught early was very aggressive, I had lumpectomy, chemo (taxotere, carboplatin and herceptin) plus radiation. Thru it all I cont to work full time, only missing 2-3 days after each chemo, went full time thru all 33 daily rounds of chemo. Was put on Tomaxifen but Oncologist and my Gyno doc, so I had my ovaries and tubes removed to lower my chances. Thru all of this my husband was very very helpful and sympathetic, help with housework, the kids, cooked, everything. But I did complain in earlier discussions how he became my caregiver and stopped being a husband. I felt physically and emotionally negleted. After a few talks, we got over his fear of pushing me to do something i was not ready for, after awhile things finally got really good in the intimate department. Then I lost my job, his only sister who lives in another state was dx with Pancreatic Cancer, and I noticed things started to change a little. Then finally, his sister died within 9mo after dx and it really took a toll on him. The grief for his sister, my constant medicine changes from Tomaxifen to Femera to Aromasin to back to Tomaxifen which not only gave me severe side effects to deal with but screwed with my moods, and add to all of this a 17yr old teenage girl with normal problems and a hispanic father who refuses to let his little girl grow up, and as if not enough add financial struggles and his job throwing him into 3rd graveyard shift. Let just say that I can see it all too much for him to handle, but I have been the superwoman thru it all, I did not ask for cancer, side effects issues, being laid off and his sister passing. But Im the one paying for it. So do I relate? oh yeah. I want my loving husband back! Sorry I ranted on.

    Praying for you and all of us, Lupe

    understand fully
    My husband is completely selfish, the sun rises and sets on him huh! He has no compassion, feels no empathy. I think there is something wrong with him. Our marriage is not good. All the hell that I've been thru, and most days I hurt. He is upset because of the weight that I have gained. Unbelieveable!

    Don't know what the future holds for us, but I know whatever happens I'll be alright.
    Jennifer
  • Double Whammy
    Double Whammy Member Posts: 2,832 Member
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    Pinkpower said:

    Hi Denise
    So sorry to hear

    Hi Denise

    So sorry to hear there are so many woman going thru similar situations with spouse, I also agree thank God for your daughter. I have 2 daughters so Im lucky I will always have 1 or both at my side. In Sept 2009, At age 41, I had stage II, HER2 +, estrogen and progestrogen +, my cancer though caught early was very aggressive, I had lumpectomy, chemo (taxotere, carboplatin and herceptin) plus radiation. Thru it all I cont to work full time, only missing 2-3 days after each chemo, went full time thru all 33 daily rounds of chemo. Was put on Tomaxifen but Oncologist and my Gyno doc, so I had my ovaries and tubes removed to lower my chances. Thru all of this my husband was very very helpful and sympathetic, help with housework, the kids, cooked, everything. But I did complain in earlier discussions how he became my caregiver and stopped being a husband. I felt physically and emotionally negleted. After a few talks, we got over his fear of pushing me to do something i was not ready for, after awhile things finally got really good in the intimate department. Then I lost my job, his only sister who lives in another state was dx with Pancreatic Cancer, and I noticed things started to change a little. Then finally, his sister died within 9mo after dx and it really took a toll on him. The grief for his sister, my constant medicine changes from Tomaxifen to Femera to Aromasin to back to Tomaxifen which not only gave me severe side effects to deal with but screwed with my moods, and add to all of this a 17yr old teenage girl with normal problems and a hispanic father who refuses to let his little girl grow up, and as if not enough add financial struggles and his job throwing him into 3rd graveyard shift. Let just say that I can see it all too much for him to handle, but I have been the superwoman thru it all, I did not ask for cancer, side effects issues, being laid off and his sister passing. But Im the one paying for it. So do I relate? oh yeah. I want my loving husband back! Sorry I ranted on.

    Praying for you and all of us, Lupe

    Tell him what you need - don't expect it
    Men need instructions. Giving instructions is also a self-protection against being disappointed/hurt. Example: Husband, I need to take a shower. I'm afraid I'll fall because I'm so weak. Please be closeby (in the bathroom, on the bed, outside the door, in the shower, whatever) while I shower - just in case. I'd like to shower around 10. Can you help me then? . . .I'm not supposed to lift over X lbs., so I can't bring the laundry basket upstairs. If you bring it up and leave it on the bed, I'll be able to put things away this afternoon after I rest.

    My husband will do anything that I ask him to do, but I have to ask. And it pisses me off, but that's the way it is. He could tell me to go fly a kite, but he doesn't. He does what I ask.

    Bottom line is don't expect him to know what you need and then be angry when he didn't do something. Unless your husband is a woman, he doesn't have a clue what to do and he doesn't see the pile of dirty clothes and know you would like him to wash them. He probably already thinks he's doing everything. My husband often does the dishes I've left in the sink overnight. The story he tells is that I always leave dishes in the sink (I don't) and he always has to clean them up (he doesn't ever - I'd do it).

    My husband's excuse is that I don't think he does anything good enough. Well, he doesn't, but I had to turn a blind eye to that when I was down and out.

    It sounds like you made everything look easy and let him off the hook previously so now he really thinks you can do everything - or he doesn't think about it at all (more likely).

    Bottom line - tell him what you need him to do and don't need it immediately (unless of course it's urgent). Don't tell him what he's not doing for you and be appreciative when he does something.

    Cancer effects everyone emotionally. I hate it.

    Suzanne
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
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    Tell him what you need - don't expect it
    Men need instructions. Giving instructions is also a self-protection against being disappointed/hurt. Example: Husband, I need to take a shower. I'm afraid I'll fall because I'm so weak. Please be closeby (in the bathroom, on the bed, outside the door, in the shower, whatever) while I shower - just in case. I'd like to shower around 10. Can you help me then? . . .I'm not supposed to lift over X lbs., so I can't bring the laundry basket upstairs. If you bring it up and leave it on the bed, I'll be able to put things away this afternoon after I rest.

    My husband will do anything that I ask him to do, but I have to ask. And it pisses me off, but that's the way it is. He could tell me to go fly a kite, but he doesn't. He does what I ask.

    Bottom line is don't expect him to know what you need and then be angry when he didn't do something. Unless your husband is a woman, he doesn't have a clue what to do and he doesn't see the pile of dirty clothes and know you would like him to wash them. He probably already thinks he's doing everything. My husband often does the dishes I've left in the sink overnight. The story he tells is that I always leave dishes in the sink (I don't) and he always has to clean them up (he doesn't ever - I'd do it).

    My husband's excuse is that I don't think he does anything good enough. Well, he doesn't, but I had to turn a blind eye to that when I was down and out.

    It sounds like you made everything look easy and let him off the hook previously so now he really thinks you can do everything - or he doesn't think about it at all (more likely).

    Bottom line - tell him what you need him to do and don't need it immediately (unless of course it's urgent). Don't tell him what he's not doing for you and be appreciative when he does something.

    Cancer effects everyone emotionally. I hate it.

    Suzanne

    Suzanne....you are so
    Suzanne....you are so right.....I finally asked him to vaccum....after weeks....I have said I DO NOT have clean underware----days later I would say I really need my laundry done..well tomorrow is 4 wks so I did all my laundry today...all in one day....not item here and there....you are so so right...with many of your thoughts....

    thanks..
    Denise