Spouse surprises me -not in good ways-anyone else?

robang13 said:

I think I kinda know what
I think I kinda know what you're saying. I've been noticing similar looks in my hubby of 27 years. I think at first they are afraid and try to do everything they can for you to make it easy. Then as days turn into weeks turn into months they start to feel like there may be no end in sight and this may be their job in addition to what they already do? At first my hubby was running around asking what he could do for me. Now I have to tell him to please do something and I get a sigh. I then remind him that I am not 100% healed yet and I think he then realizes that he is wrong. He is in such a hurry for things to go back to normal that he is annoyed that it isn't happening fast enough? It's like we have to remind them daily that it isn't our choice to be needy. I think they are just so used to us being wonder woman that seeing us like this for a prolonged period of time is just too confusing for them. The other day I told my dear husband that just because I was finished with rads does not mean I am 100% back to normal and that he better get his **** together until I am. I must say that I noticed an improvement in attitude since then!! Maybe your hubby needs the same "talk" ? As for the IV thing, maybe he couldn't watch you get stuck over and over again? They don't like to see us in pain so maybe he was getting wheezy?

Angela

natly15 said:

Sounds like he has
Sounds like he has emotionally checked out. Your surgery has thrown his comfortable ways out of whack. Perhaps he has made himself immune to your pain because he's been there and done that, perhaps because he is angry at your illness, scared, and his life has been turned upside down once again. Your surgery is also an inconvenience, you aren't going thru cancer treatment and perhaps he doesnt understand that a hysterectomy is major surgery. Men are creatures unlike us. My hubby was most supportive thru all my treatment, but when I had my scans this week which threw me into an emotional state, he reacted somewhat indifferent. I had to explain to him what I was going thru and then he apologized. We are mostly all super women, and sometimes we become their moms. When illness hits us they have a very difficult time accepting and handling it. Men simply do not handle situations like us. They also dont feel like we feel things. Hope you have that talk with him. Let him know how hurt you are and let him know you need both his physical and emotional support right now. Wishing you the best. Hugs

LoveBabyJesus said:

Not married, but...
I understand what you're going through. I am with someone for two years now and he has been there for me. However, I do know there may be a possibility of him being so scared, and feeling like he can't control the situation, that he may change. I have spoken to another girl, 33, who is married and has been experiencing similar things. Where her husband does not want to hear the word "c" at all. He just doesn't want to hear it, period.

This is a very hard situation, which is why I have suggested - in my relationship - to go to a support group for men. I happen to have a relative in my family whose wife had BC twice and they both volunteered with ACS to help wives and husbands go though these difficult times. The husband talks to men who are having a difficult time dealing with the situation, and in return do not support their wives. This is not because they don't care - many times - it is because of many factors, like fear, insecurity, and the lack of ability to handle the situation. Thank God for your daughter. She too is a woman, and women are built emotionally stronger than men, in my opinion.

My suggestion is to seek some help under Oncology. There are therapists for cancer patients as well as support groups to help not only the patient, but their loved ones. I think the earlier you start the better, to make him cope with the situation and lose some of that fear. I think it will help (I hope he agrees to do this). I will try this too, although I am not married, I want him to feel comfortable with his decisions and lose the fear.

Good luck to you Denise. You're are a great woman! God bless you.

poplolly said:

Denise, I agree with what
Denise, I agree with what our sisters have said. It sounds like he doesn't really think there's anything wrong with you. I do think it is because when we're sick through the years, we have to go on and do all the things you said. He could be going through the stages of grief. One of the stages is anger and it really sounds like he's mad about the illness. Then, I wonder how has he been through the years. Is this a drastic change or has he always been selfish??

Double Whammy said:

Tell him what you need - don't expect it
Men need instructions. Giving instructions is also a self-protection against being disappointed/hurt. Example: Husband, I need to take a shower. I'm afraid I'll fall because I'm so weak. Please be closeby (in the bathroom, on the bed, outside the door, in the shower, whatever) while I shower - just in case. I'd like to shower around 10. Can you help me then? . . .I'm not supposed to lift over X lbs., so I can't bring the laundry basket upstairs. If you bring it up and leave it on the bed, I'll be able to put things away this afternoon after I rest.

My husband will do anything that I ask him to do, but I have to ask. And it pisses me off, but that's the way it is. He could tell me to go fly a kite, but he doesn't. He does what I ask.

Bottom line is don't expect him to know what you need and then be angry when he didn't do something. Unless your husband is a woman, he doesn't have a clue what to do and he doesn't see the pile of dirty clothes and know you would like him to wash them. He probably already thinks he's doing everything. My husband often does the dishes I've left in the sink overnight. The story he tells is that I always leave dishes in the sink (I don't) and he always has to clean them up (he doesn't ever - I'd do it).

My husband's excuse is that I don't think he does anything good enough. Well, he doesn't, but I had to turn a blind eye to that when I was down and out.

It sounds like you made everything look easy and let him off the hook previously so now he really thinks you can do everything - or he doesn't think about it at all (more likely).

Bottom line - tell him what you need him to do and don't need it immediately (unless of course it's urgent). Don't tell him what he's not doing for you and be appreciative when he does something.

Cancer effects everyone emotionally. I hate it.

Suzanne